Beneath the scars

Riley a daughter to the Essah family moved to high school. Three days after arriving at high school she met a guy named Johan Mills . Sometimes we think we will make our own ways but fate makes our lives ways . A certain incident separated the two . Leaving one in a psychiatric hospital  . What has fate planned for the two ? Will the two ever meet again ? Join them as they face reality to an end which was never expected.

Riley  is my name . Dark skinned , long crinkly black hair , pink lips , hazel orbs and medium height . My best friend is Johan Mills, I have a brother and I'm in high school , senior year . My parents always consider me a disappointment and the black sheep so I moved to a boarding school to avoid them. I met Johan three days after arriving in high school and trust me he is the best. We've been through so much and he even knows me better than my brother . My parents have always been a pain in the neck so don't blame me ever for any thing I do when I'm with them .

It was a very dark night , I remember . I walked into my dorm room after my phone call with my dad telling me how poor my grades are and how much of a disappointment I am . I threw my bag across the room as I jumped on my bed to hide my tears of shame . Everything around me was blurred due to the newly formed tears in my eyes . A knock on my door drove me to quickly wipe my tears and put on the smile I fake each time.

I walked to the door and opened it and in came my best friend Johan . Curly dark brown hair , dark toned skin , dark brown orbs, a sharp pointed nose and a million dollar signature smile . We walked inside and sat there chatting and smiling . It's only with him I can be myself and not feel ashamed . It would kill me to loose such a friend and a brother .

It was quite late when Johan left . The blurred up shadows of me walking floated on the ground. I dug into my pocket until I found my favourite gummy bears and I began chewing . This week has been quite exhausting and I can't seem to get over with it . I picked up my phone and scrolled through i*******m checking notification and viewing images untill my worst friend sleep called and took me with her.

I woke up to the sound of my door bell ringing . Typical of Johan to wake me up at 3am . I groaned getting up from bed and attended to the door. "Darling , what do you need? " I asked sarcastically with my eyes closed waiting for an answer. I stood there waiting, and when I got none I opened my eyes . It wasn't Johan or anyone I knew of . The man at the doorway looked like a mafia gang member . At times like this I miss Johan . "Sir , please can I help you ?" I asked "Yes, you can" he answered . Before I could digest what was happening I was being pushed to the wall with a handkerchief on my nose.

Fear gripped me, I had never been that scared in my life . My heart continued pounding in my chest ,sweat forming on my entire forehead , my throat immensely dry, tears trickling down my cheeks. My eyes were giving me away i felt it , i knew it . I gave up the fight and let darkness engulf me.

.....................................................................................................................................

I woke up to the same dream as years ago . Time could not heal my wounds .They kept cutting deeper and deeper , i see it not as a dream but an unforgettable memory which keeps haunting me . If only time could stand still.

Sometimes we think we will spend our lives the way we want but fate determines our path . I sat on the long bench with my mates by my side . Some things are better not said. Pretending to be mute is a better option . I took a paper and decided to write a letter to Johan .

Dearest Johan ,

        I genuinely doubted whether our friendship would ever last but in the last few years that I've known you , I know now that time has no correlation with a bond . Thank you , thanks for all the times that you stood by me , that you listened to me . Today writing to you I don't know whether to cry or to be overjoyed . It's been so long . After the incident that happened two years ago I've not heard from you . I've tried my level best to remain strong but I can't . I've missed your company a lot . I'm tired of staying here . The psychiatric hospital is something else . I want to come back and see the world .I'm crying right now , please , I'm begging you. I want to get out of here . It was nice writing to you. Hope to hear from you soon .

Love,

Riley

After I was done writing I gave my paper out to be sent to him . As I looked up a recollection of past events floated through my mind . It was him from years ago .He was watching me ." Come see me Riley , I'm not there , I'm here come , come, come !!!" he said . It can't be he is dead it's been two years . No I remember stabbing him , it can be I, I, I ... he died I saw it , his dead body .I quickly closed my eyes and used my hand to cover my ears . Beads of sweat trickled down my body . My body shook uncontrollably . "Riley" someone called but I choose not to listen" Riley" the same voice called . " No , no please go , please leave me." I screamed .I jumped out of my seat and left the hall .I felt suffocated there .I could not stay there.

While running I bumped into someone and fell on my knees. I was so frightened that I pulled my knees up to the level of my head and hugged it tight . Scared that he will find me , scared that he will take me back to that place. I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jerked it away . Please leave me I'm begging of you. I don't want to die please let me go , let me go . I said while crying.

Psychologist P.O.V

I was going to the main hall to see one of my patients when I bumped into a girl . She looked so broken like any single word could kill her . I've dealt with many patients and I can see it would not be very easy for her . She kept on repeating the same words " Please leave me , I'm begging of you, I don't want to die, please let me go, let me go ." I don't know what her situation is but I feel the urge to help her so I will . I'm not going to hurt you please trust me .I told her.

"I'm not going to hurt you" she said . It was not his voice so who was that . I looked up to see a pair of brown eyes staring at me. It was not him . I got up and cleaned the droplets of tears and sweat on my face .I then resumed running .I could hear her scream for me to wait but at this point I felt I cannot trust anyone ,not even my shadow. Those who I trusted turn their backs on me, even my parents . I rushed to my room closed my door and stood behind it my heart pounding . What if she hurts me like they did ? What if I trust her and she breaks me even more.

I jumped on my bed as I starred at the white ceiling . My eyelids suddenly grew heavy and I drifted off to sleep . "Come here, you are just a little puppet in my hand even an ants life is worth more than yours ." he said . I walked straight to him .I was frightened. He pushed me to the wall and his actions led to my head hitting the wall and as a result got bruised ." Please leave me , let me go , no, don't hit me . " I woke up only to find it a dream with tears flooding my eyes . I got up and left the room .  I walked further to the edge of the building . There were voices in my head telling me continuously to jump and kill myself . There were so many reasons why I needed to kill myself . One , there was no one in my life who would miss me if I died .Two , I was completely broken and feared to be told the truth that I was crazy . Taking in a deep breath I put one foot on the staircase ready to add the other when I heard someone shout "stop ".   I froze for a moment as I watched the woman from yesterday run to me . " What were you going to do ? Do you have any idea how many floors this building has ? Do you want to die?" she questioned .   " Yes I want to die ."  I answered truthfully ."Look I don't know what you've been through but I do know that death is not the answer." I've lost everyone ,what's there to live for . I said .

I'm Josy a psychologist. You can come see me whenever you want. I'm only 2 blocks away . Just remember " Place your hand over your heart , Can you feel it ? That is called purpose , You're alive for a reason so, don't ever give up."

After my encounter with Josy I realized that I wasn't ready to die , I just simply don't want to exist because I'm stuck here being miserable while the world is out there waiting for someone who can survive the  cold and warmth . I've decided to be that person . I may not be the same as I was back then but I'm going to fight till I win my battle.

It's been a week since I've seen Josy . These days I've been thinking of how to approach  Josy, how to turn a page further in my story .That is why I'm here in front of Josy's office to turn over to a brand new chapter .

I knocked on the door and waited for her to respond .After a brief moment I heard a come in and so I went forward to open the door.Josy sat there looking me straight in the eye with a smile plastered on her face .That alone gave me the encouragement that I needed . "Good morning Josy, I have thought of what you said and I'm here to turn a page further in my life." " So ,how has your day been?" she inquired" honestly they have been good". "Would you like to go for a walk ?"she asked. "A walk would be fine".I said

"I'm Josy Richard. I'm single and ready to mingle .I'm thirty years old .I'm from a family of six . I have three elder siblings and I'm the youngest .Your turn Riley" I'm Riley Essah ,I'm twenty years old . I'm from a family of four and I'm the youngest . Actually I'm adopted . "Would it be ok if I asked you about your biological parents ?" Sure it's fine Josy we're friends now and friends always share ."

We were a family of four ,my mom ,dad,my brother and I . My dad was a drunkard who always had bills to pay but even still we were happy. I was quite young then but I remember my dad running away from home because the police were after him .After that day we heard nothing more of him.

"It's getting to lunch time why not go back in ,have lunch and we will continue tomorrow." Josy said ."Sure". I went back inside sat with my mates and took my meal after which I went back to my room . I wish I could turn back time .  Maybe I would have applied the wisdom mom gave me ,not to open a door without peeping to see who was there . Josy seems nice I hope I made the right decision and I hope I don't regret it . I fell asleep and woke up later on in the evening . I walked out of my room and went straight to the place I was about to jump from a week ago only this time with a different mission . "Hey!" Oh hey Josy . "What are you doing here "?she questioned .I'm here for fresh air ."I've learnt two new songs on my guitar do you want to listen to them ?" Sure ,Josy. "Wait here for me I'll be back." She said . I waited there for five minutes before I saw her running with her wooden guitar. "Ok here we go"she said . "This song was written by Hope Ahlers but it's dedicated to you by me ."

Dear baby bird

Dear sparrow

You look alot like me when I lost my wings

Dear baby bird don't be discouraged maybe freedom doesn't come in touching the sky

Chorus

You can fly in the ocean

You can soar in your soul

you don't need wings to feel free

Dear baby bird

Dear sparrow

Don't feel pressure I know you just wanted to heal

Dear sparrow

Just hush now may be freedom comes when

We don't need to make a sound

You can fly and the ocean

You can soar in your soul

You don't need wings to feel free

I know you can fly

Dear sparrow

Dear baby bird

Dear sparrow

You look a lot like me

When I lost my wings

" Scars to your beautiful " by Alessia Cara

She just wants to be beautiful

She goes unnoticed, she knows no limits

She craves attention, she praises an image

She prays to be sculpted by the sculptor

Oh, she don't see the light that's shining

Deeper than the eyes can find it

Maybe we have made her blind

So she tries to cover up her pain and cut her woes away

Cause covergirls don't cry after their face is made

But there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark

You should know you're beautiful just the way you are

And you don't have to change a thing

The world could change its heart

No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful

And you don't have to change a thing

The world could change its heart

No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful

She has dreams to be an envy, so she's starving

You know, covergirls eat nothing

She says "beauty is pain and there's beauty in everything"

"What's a little bit of hunger?"

"I could go a little while longer," she fades away

She don't see her perfect, she don't understand she's worth it

Or that beauty goes deeper than the surface

So to all the girls that's hurting

Let me be your mirror, help you see a little bit clearer

The light that shines within

There's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark

You should know you're beautiful just the way you are

And you don't have to change a thing

The world could change its heart

No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful

No better you than the you that you are

No better you than the you that you are

No better life than the life we're living

No better life than the life we're living

No better time for your shine, you're a star

No better time for your shine, you're a star

Oh, you're beautiful, oh, you're beautiful

And there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark

You should know you're beautiful just the way you are

And you don't have to change a thing

The world could change its heart

No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful

And you don't have to change a thing

The world could change its heart

No scars to your beautiful, we're stars and we're beautiful

"How was it ?" She asked . It was amazing Josy . "Thanks" she said .There was a long moment of silence after that . I broke it by saying" the sky looks beautiful today the stars are all twinkling bright " ."Yeah, oh there look there that big bright star is my mum and that one there is my dad ." she said pointing at them . Do humans really turn to stars after death? I questioned ."We've just got to believe it ." she said . With that we talked through the night .

There are times that you would close your eyes, Those special memories of me will always bring back a smile, Calling my number repeatedly but with no response , If only you could have me back for just a little while you would say ,When I fade like the shadow of moon or like the whispers of the sea, The times of pain and the days of sorrow ,Miss me a little but not too long ,I want no cries, why cry for a soul gone to a better place, a home built with gold ,The time when living feels like dying ,Miss me but let me go , When I come to the end of the road and the sun has set for me , Miss me but let me go , For this journey is one we all must take , Bury your sorrow doing things that we once did, in memories we once made , then, miss me then let me go.

I finished writing the last words of my poem then pushed the book under my pillow .Maybe one day my talent will get me somewhere better in life.

Ah ,grief, I should not treat you like a homeless dog, who comes to the back door for a crust,for a meatless bone , I should trust you. I should coax you into the house and give you, your own corner,a worn mat to lie on, your own water dish . You think I don't know you've been living under my porch. You long for your real place to be readied before winter comes . You need your name, your collar and tag, you need the right to warn off intruders, to consider my house your own and me your person and yourself my own dog . A poem by Denise Levertov.

I pushed my thoughts aside as I walked into Josy's office.

Hey Josy , I would like to continue. "Sure let's begin ." She said. My mom, my brother and I were in the room discussing what we would become if we were to grow up when a knock on the door diverted the conversation.

" Mom, I would like to be a doctor in future. I said . I will like to be a lawyer." My older brother said ." I would support my kids in what ever they want to do." I smiled shyly at what my mom said not knowing it would be my last. A knock on the door broke our conversation and mom asked us to hide as she went to see the person there.

We could hear screams, loud arguments being exchanged a loud bang was heard before her last scream .That was when my brother got up and left to where my mom was. Another loud noise was heard and I covered my ears as I felt dizzy and slipped into unconsciousness.

Later on l woke up to the smell of smoke. The house was on fire. I screamed for help. I called out to my mom and brother but none of them responded. The fire service later came but no one came out with me it was only me .

I was sent to hospital and after my discharge I was told nothing remained in the house after me consistently asking . I was sent to an orphanage .. I lived there for a year before being adopted by my current dad. I was just 8. I wanted to be loved and be cared for but I guess my life was not meant for it. That was when I  discovered my hidden talent and started writing. My first poem was written at the age of 8 when I was just a girl who wanted to be loved the way she was in the falls of September 11,2004.

I ended with tears in  my eyes. My invisible pain was just like the one I witnessed back then on the 29th of November 2006. I remember vividly that fateful day when I entered their home.

A breeze of cold air brushed across my skin as the smell of fresh food got trapped in my nostril but all I wanted was to be back in my mom's arms. I walked to the room I was directed to ,picked up a book from my bedside and went forward to ask their son who was now my brother for a pencil.

I knocked on his door and after a brief moment it was opened. I walked forward and bowed my head as I politely asked for a pencil. His words in reply were so cruel it caused pain in my heart. Calling me a girl no one wanted and no one needed .The one whose parents were dead .

I rushed out of his room as my tears spilled uncontrollably. Was I really not needed? I asked myself. I was only 8. I repeated. Josy , It's really hard to explain to someone who has no clue, a world built not of sand but of memories we once shared , it's hard to explain the daily struggles created by pain , please, don't judge for you know not , day after day observing life instead of playing a part.If I showed my tears to you would you feel what I feel ,?Unspoken words that fall like rain  keeps falling and I don't know why, my soul is on fire and it's burning, I plan not to tell and I plan not to show , I blame not him or her I blame them all I trusted . The galaxy I thought I once had, was just another creation like the others, if you were in my shoes what would you do with this pain ,which can't be seen and can't be touched , it's as invisible as the ghost .Its as invisible as the creatures we hear of .It is as invisible as the world I thought I had built .

This is the poem I wrote at age 8 . Invisible pain is its title and it shows my emotions . I don't blame them Josy , I blame my desire to have a perfect family and to be loved by them . I tilted my head up to meet Josy's eyes only to see her at the verge of tears and and with a look of pity on her face . At this moment I let my tears flow freely  not caring about anything but to release the pain I feel every time .

Josy will it ever really end ?

I felt numb when I left Josy's office . When will all this end? My troubles ,my pain , my tears . Don't let your heart freeze, stop remembering memories  so the mind will be at peace .Start to walk away to get rid of risks, forget the past, begin where you'd last, Again,make sure that you'll never crush, for your heart not be scratched . Don't be afraid to fall in love again , just assure that lessons will be gained, Don't put your heart in pain ,Unless, yourself will inclose into the chain . A poem by Vang .

As I was walking I felt dizzy and with my teary eyes it became almost impossible to see. I could hear voices ,my mom's ,my brother's sweet voice, my dad's ,those men and every other person I had lived with .They were all talking which made it impossible to identify who was speaking. I fell to the ground as I felt all my problems subside and my world enveloped in darkness. I opened my eyes to see that I was in a ward room with Josy by my side sleeping . I must have put her through a lot of stress, since it was almost morning. I felt pain everywhere and my headache was more than anything I had ever felt . Was this my punishment for not dying with them or was Josy the angel sent to protect me. I just hope that I don't experience another breakdown and live a little longer to experience what true family love is and what having a relationship feels like. I fell asleep thinking of when my life would take a turn .

"Riley , Dexion hide don't come out till I tell you to. Okay sweethearts " Okay mom ,we said systematically. Mom I want to listen to one of your many poems . " Okay sweetheart here it goes , The song of my heart is like the clouds with it's tears ,it's like a poets words to it's audience,it's like a heart beat with it's thumping sound , what's the beauty of a faded rose lost among the depth of soil , what's the beauty of a star if it stops twinkling , what's the beauty of the heart of it stops loving . How was it my princess ? " Mom again , again again .I said repeatedly. The fire was burning our home and I could not see my mom or brother . What were those sounds I heard? My head was hurting a lot .

I woke up trembling , sweating profusely and with tears in my eyes. Josy quickly woke up asking why I was trembling but I could not form words not even a letter could come out . I was quivering and felt myself broken like glass which when broken could not be fixed .What have I done to deserve this ? Josy handed me a glass of water and I politely took it and emptied it. I'm scared ,insecure, depressed,tired of living and a walking dead . I answered Josy with a hoarse voice .

"Riley I have something for you it actually a very small item but I believe it would help you . I'm going to visit some patients and I will be back later on . "Sure goodbye Josy ." I opened the box Josy gave me and it turns out it was a letter . I began opening it as I started to read .

Riley,

When I was eighteen I was a girl used to experiencing life , I loved to have fun but I never imagined it would lead to me getting pregnant. I found it the worst news ever since I had lost my parents and was living with my aunt at that moment . My aunt made it clear she did not like me and abused me. When I was 38 weeks pregnant I gave birth to my daughter Amy . She was still born. Two days before Amy's death I noticed she was sluggish in her movement . My intuition told me something wasn't right so I called my doctor .Amy died of undiagnosed placental abruption. Her death may have been prevented had I known the importance of monitoring my daughter's movement during the third trimester . Amy was my first child and I had never had anyone to teach me, to guide me and those I had left me. Just imagine the pain and the struggles . My boyfriend at that time left me accusing me of causing my child's death . 29th October 2009, if my baby was alive she would be 12 by now. There are still days when the pain outweighs the joy and I'm okay with that.  You see , she was once my joy and my grief is due to the love I had for her .I know I'll finally see my sunshine when I get to heaven .There we will have so much time for fun and my pain will be erased.

Everyone has a story Riley . Everyone has been through pain . Everyone has lost someone they loved before but it depends on them to learn how to heal. My life was not easygoing.  It was difficult to be the person I am today.  I had to fight my battles , put my pain aside and learn not to be affected by these things . Up till now I still remember vividly what the doctor said, how she looked . If I were to follow these emotions I would not be this psychologist you see today . I believe you can do it Riley not because we're friends but because I've been there . I have seen it all good and evil .I want to see you happy with your past behind you.This is all I wish for you every day Riley . Thanks for reading to this level I believe this is the last line ,stay safe and healthy .

Love,

Josy.

After reading her letter I felt warm crystal like beads falling from my eyes , I was crying . Why was the world so cruel . I thought on earth we are supposed to experience happiness so why is there so much pain . Every stage in life leaves a scar ,a mark that will be with you for a life time . Josy looked so clean like not a single particle of the earths struggles had occured in her life but looks can be deceptive . I was being discharged today, which is great news since I've been waiting to continue the story of my life with Josy . I would have loved to be fourteen again if it meant to be with Johan again . I wish I could remain frozen in time at fourteen . The time I had a friend and a brother. Since I lost Johan I lost my home , my friend, my brother and my only family . Could it be that he got fed up with me or he lost interest in me but there again if my own family left me why won't someone I met not long ago.

Thinking of this I did not notice the droplets of water that flowed through my eyes . You never really know how much someone means to you until you loose that person . There is a pain within this heart,  pain within my sadness through my eyes, My eyes are like a burden that you can see right through, No pain I ever felt was that single broken heart that, There is way out of this pain but somehow I can't see it , See the light , the hope ,the happiness I once wanted to feel , Now I ever feel is this sadness , this pain, this heartache, A pain within these wall I can hear it say, There is no way out , No way to way away the pain , The pain I feel . This poem was written by Jennifer Rondeau . Johan please come back I miss you.

I shut my eyes , no glimpse of light , I go in silence , and I scream in my mind, what in the heavens did I do wrong , to feel such hell , would this pain end shortly , Or would it last long? (Written by Kurt Geric Dili.)

There's no more you and I feel more lonely , there's no more you and my tears seam not to flow , there is pain everywhere ,yet it seems not to show , my blood is oozing out of my scars yet I feel no pain , just numb , I feel just numb ,like a broken piece of glass . I wrote this down in my notepad .

I quickly got up and turned my head hearing voices behind me . " Did you think you could run , I love to play hide and seek . Would you like to see what I do to them after finding them ? I punish them just like I'm about to do ." He spat out . Please leave me I'm begging you just kill me , death would be better than a life like this . " SHUT UP " He shouted . "Guys lock her up ." He said to his subordinate ." No, please leave me , don't do this , I'm begging you , leave me ! " I shouted with all my might but to blocked ears . I'll never be strong please leave me. I shouted as I exited the room . How I wish I could have amnesia.  That way I would be able to erase all my pain . Please God help me out of this problem ,only this and I won't ask of anything again .   It is hard to get my head around , can you hear the voices behind the shadows?My silent plea, my begging ,the scars on me are telling their stories. I know its selfish to ask for more but this pain is more than fire. My saddened heart only holds one name Johan a person it can't seem to find .Behind the shadows i am told time will heal my wounds and that my grief is worth it .Its hard when you find out that you are not as important to someone as you thought .Imagine cutting your finger the pain, the brief confusion before you notice the blood . See the light grab it all before you experience the darkness life has in store.

     "Riley wake up, its morning .'' Josy said holding a plate full of food . '' Here have your breakfast i have something to tell you after.'' Josy thanks for yesterday if you had not been there i don't know what would have happened. '' It's fine we are friends so what's the big deal.'' Thanks again Josy. I finished eating my food and followed Josy to where she was taking me. Trusting someone was one of the things i dared not but with Josy i felt safe.

''Riley, have this book and pen with todays lesson .I want you to make a list.Make a list of situations,places or objects that you fear . Build a fear ladder . Once you have made a list, arrange things from the least scary to the most scary. Its just like rating them from 0 [no fear ]to 10[extreme fear].After you are done we will continue with facing your fear .This will need loads of time  from my experience after which we will practice how to over come it. I leave the rest of the day to you . All i ask is you fill it truthfully. See you tomorrow Riley.'' See you too Josy.

After i left Josy's office i went for a walk thinking of what to write.  I did not know what would be considered sensible  .  I sat down looking at the book and pen i held ,my hand urging me to write something.

THE BIG COPING SKILLS LIST

SITUATIONS

When i hear a car horn beeping.                                                                                   That morning i tried escaping after being kidnaped i remember almost hitting a car , the beeping sound rings in my ear each time reminding me i should have died back then .

Im scared of the dark.                                                                                                          The dark was where i lived for a month where i experienced memories i wish i could forget.

Im scared of crowded places.

Im scared when i sit at quiet places. I knocked on Josy's door as I thought of what to say .I heard a faint come in and I walked into her room . Josy I'm done with what you asked for ." Yay!! Riley , have a seat you are one step away from achieving your goal . Can I have a look at what you wrote?" Yeah ,sure . I gave the book to Josy only to see her with an undescribable expression after reading it . Is it good or bad ? I questioned. "It's better than I imagined . You are not actually mentally unstable , you are just scared and turn to have illusions of the people who caused you harm . This is termed as post traumatic stress disorder. It is a disorder that may occur to people who have witnessed or experienced a traumatic event .'' So what are we going to do . '' That would be a tale for another day.Right now i only have one question that is , what did you like doing before all this happened ?'' I loved to read. I remember reading Nancy Drew's stories and they were simply amazing. '' Really i love reading too . Why not give you a book to read and you would come and tell me what happened every day?'' That would be amazing . '' Okay so todays book is entitled The highly sensitive person written by Elaine N. Aron .'' Thank you ,I would be sure to return it tomorrow.

I went to my room sat on my bed and opened the book Josy gave to me and started reading. After I was done , I placed it down to give to Josy. "How did you feel while reading it ?" Josy asked . When you recommended the highly sensitive person to me ,I was a little curious . This book was meant to tell me something about myself I did not know right ? But a few pages in , I was staring at the white paper with black writings wondering if the writer found my journal I burnt . All my personal problems I had been carrying since childhood was suddenly being explained to me. The author was telling me this could be positive and it could be to my advantage . It could be a good thing . I was mind blown after reading the book. "Good , that what I wanted to hear .       Today's book is entitled The happiness trap ,can't wait for you to come back tomorrow and narrate it ." Same thanks Josy . I sat on the bench as I opened the book entitled The happiness trap by Russ Harris.

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, happiness remains elusive. We seek to find it and hold onto it, but so often this in itself leads to worry and discontent. Based on the revolutionary approach of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), The Happiness Trap provides a path to escape this vicious cycle.

In 33 bite-sized chapters full of expert wisdom and scientifically proven techniques, Dr Russ Harris teaches us the skills to rise above fear, doubt and insecurity and move forward towards true fulfilment. Be empowered to climb out of the ‘happiness trap’ and focus on creating a rich and meaningful life. Wow was all I could say after reading the book . It's been  three months since Josy started her treatment with me . In these three months I've learnt to let go of the past. I gradually came to understand that I had all along been practicing the avoidance therapy. I had been trying to shut down the bitter memories of my past by keeping to myself, thereby becoming a mental recluse. I had been avoiding people, scenes, and events that brought back my bitter memories instead of facing and coming to terms with them.

                             My therapist Josy saw it as her responsibility to help remove those scares on my memory . Whenever I experience a flashback of frightening events from my past she would step in to help me cope with the situation . I kept wondering why she was so keen to help me . Occasionally she will try remedies like asking me to look around at the beautiful world  .

                  .           On one occasion she asked "when you look into the sky what do you see?" "I can see a lot of white foamy clouds shaded by darker clouds moving lazily across the sky ." I replied " I can also see the blue skies above them with the sun shining through ." I added " Do you realize that God's creation is wonderful", she asked " The mixture of dark and White clouds floating together peacefully represent blacks and whites co-existing peacefully in this beautiful world ."she added reflectively. "Despite the rain, thunderstorms and lightning occurring on occasions the good weather will always eventually return bringing with it the fresh breeze and lots of happiness with birds chirping happily in the sky.  The sun will shine once more. Every cloud has a silver lining."  she added.

                              One day I was sitting down when jazz music started playing . I sat down listening to the jazz music when my therapist suddenly appeared with a queer expression on her face. She looks surprised  . She put off the music and slotted in a new CD on country music. When she realized I had lost interest  she quickly slotted in the previous jazz music i was listening to earlier on which caught my attention. The jazz music with Louis Armstrong's song what a wonderful world. 

"What A Wonderful World" lyrics

Louis Armstrong Lyrics

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"What A Wonderful World"

I see trees of green

Red roses too

I see them bloom

For me and you

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world

I see skies of blue

And clouds of white

The bright blessed day

The dark sacred night

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world

The colors of the rainbow

So pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces

Of people going by

I see friends shaking hands

Saying, "How do you do?"

They're really saying

"I love you"

I hear babies cry

I watch them grow

They'll learn much more

Than I'll never know

And I think to myself

What a wonderful world

Yes, I think to myself

What a wonderful world

Oh yeah

I  realized had a soothing effect on me especially at times when I felt so low . My therapist had realized  it helps replace my bitter memories with music especially jazz.  She provided me with a lot of such music from her collection to calm my nerves . There was gradually less need to provide me with medications when I felt low.

                                 One Saturday she asked me if I was ready to go with her on a trip to  visit some friends. It was a cold rainy day but we eventually arrived at her church where the friends were gathered  . It was a social gathering made up of a group of people with bitter  frightening experiences like I had gone through. She introduced me to the members of the group . Several members stood up to share  with us experiences  they went through in the past and efforts they had taken to wipe of these memories. Many of them had physical scars to show from their experiences. One cheerful pretty lady had her leg amputated as a result of her experience yet appeared cheerful. I began to realize how lucky I had been. The scars on my memory seemed so little compared to what I was seeing and hearing from this lovely set of people .

                               I went back to the psychiatric hospital  feeling humbled and thanking God for his many mercies to me. I was gradually experiencing peace with myself. As we were leaving one of the members of the group asked me if Josy has ever talked about her own experiences . I told her about the lose of Josy's child hoping it to be that but she insisted otherwise. I was a bit surprised .I decided not to ask her hoping that one day in her own time she would let me know what the lady had been talking about. I realized how my therapist seemed interested in my back ground . She asked lots of questions whenever she returned from work about my past . She researched the locations of a few of them and managed to link me up to a few of them . One day she told me my adopted parents wanted to come over for us to talk . I was astonished. Although they had been sending me money and letters during functions I had not seen them. Why now after two years . Yet still I accepted to see them . There were some scores we needed to settle .

"Mom ",I called out seeing her . She had aged so much in these two years . The last time I saw her was in January last two years before I ended up here. " How are you doing mom?" I asked "I've had better days." she said with teary eyes. "How is dad doing ? Why didn't he come ? Where is my brother ? How is he also ?" I asked . " Your brother is fine ." She said ." What about dad?" I asked . With that being said she broke down in tears " He is not okay he has been hospitalized for a year now and doctors are saying he has six months left to live " she said "I'm sorry Riley for everything I have done to you . I treated you badly , always shaming and comparing you to your brother . I never made time for you and I'm sorry for that. I acted like how step mother's in movies act , caring only about my biological child despite the fact that I was the same person who adopted you ." " Mom why did you do that ?" I asked with tears running down my cheeks . " You know, I attempted suicide so many times and caused physical harm to myself so many times . I used to ask myself why you never loved me ,why you always defended him , why you never appreciated anything I did and why you always made me feel as though I was not part of the family when you were the people who adopted me . The reason why I always wear long sleeves t shirt is because I always try to hide the cuts I've made on my wrist .Today I want answers . I want to know why you did this to me " I cried tearfully " I'm sorry " she said whiles crying . "So, why now ? Why didn't you come and visit me then . Why are you now here all of a sudden? " She knelt down in front of me begging for forgiveness and honestly I  had sympathy for her .I held her hand and helped her up telling her she was forgiven  .  We can now concentrate on the future . She embraced me and for once in my life I felt the warmth of a mother from her . I smiled and wiped away her tears as she did same for me . We sat down and she told me that dad had a heart attack and that only forty percent of his heart was functioning now." This means that I have only six months to be with him ." I said ." He wanted to meet you so bad but some circumstances lead to him not being able to . He regrets every thing Riley , all he wanted was the best for you. " I remember her saying . I forgive him mom for that is every father's wish . That day I had a good nights sleep because at least I had one problem off my shoulder .

Another incident I remember clearly was a visit to a Catholic father friend of hers at his parish . I remember vividly,  my therapist Josy going in first to make a confession of her sins. I was then asked to follow suit .I went near the confession box and decided to bring all my  sins before my maker . I heard a door bell ring at 3am , thinking it was Johan . I opened the door . "Darling what do you need ?" I asked sarcastically with my eyes closed waiting for an answer. I stood there waiting and when I got none I opened my eyes. It wasn't Johan or anyone I knew of. The man at the doorway looked like a mafia gang member "Sir, please can I help you." I asked. "Yes, you can he answered. Before I could register what  was happening , I was being pushed to the wall with a handkerchief soaked in rohypnol on my nose . I had never been that scared in my life . My heart continued pounding in my chest, sweat forming on my entire forehead , my throat immensely dry and  tears trickling down my cheek .I was loosing consciousness.  I was slowly drifting off . I gave up the fight and let darkness engulf me.

I woke up suddenly and struggled to get up. It quickly dawned on me that I had been tied up  to the chair I was sitting on. I was in this dark and dirty room . A shade of light from the ceiling lit up a portion of the room like a torch . There was this skinny dark skinned guy sitting on the floor against the wall with a gun held loosely in his hand. I screamed and he pointed a pistol at me and barked at me to shut up . The door burst open suddenly and a huge, tall, solidly built man rushed in . "The young lady is awake right?" he questioned . He moved quickly towards me and struck me across the cheek with the back of his hand sending me crashing to the floor with the chair. The dark skinned man lazily rose up and he lifted me up right with the chair .

The strange huge looking man turned his face towards me and I saw a deep scar running across his left cheek . He was kind enough to tell me that I shouldn't bother taking note of his face because I'll be killed when he was done with me. I noticed a glint in his eyes as he observed me. I realized I was in trouble. The type of trouble reserved for the weaker race ,women. He looked down at me for some time and shuffled out of the room banging the door after him . I was left with the tall skinny man in the room now. I heard the sound of a vehicle driving off.

The tall skinny man rose lazily from the floor. He still had the gun swinging loosely in his hand like the cowboys do in films. He opened the door slightly and peeped outside and quickly shut and locked the door. He untied the rope tying me to the chair and I could feel my blood pumping through my veins . I stood up and suddenly fell back onto the chair since I was extremely weak, dehydrated and hungry .My eyes were gradually adapting to the weak lightning. I could see a bed against the far wall on my left . He picked me up and threw me onto the bed . He forcibly tore my clothing and despite my feeble struggles succeeded in forcibly raping me.Afterwards , I lay on my tummy weeping my heart out while he dressed up and headed towards door. He locked the door from behind and a few minutes later I could hear the sound of a car receding . The room was getting dark I listened to the sound of birds happily rushing home to their nests.They sounded so happy and free . Suddenly there was a flash of lightning cutting across the room through the high window, followed by the crack of thunder.

The sound of heavy rain could be heard hitting the metal roofing. It was now dark and I was in darkness. No lighting. I felt terribly hurt and abused. At this moment , I missed my parents so much. My mind flashed back to the many times my mother had shown that kind of love only a mother is capable of. I remember when mum had grabbed fearlessly the head of a snake and thrown it off me on one occasion we went out camping by the seaside . I had been fast asleep when the snake climbed onto the bed. Luckily mummy was just stepping in after sitting outside for some time to enjoy the cool evening breeze.This is the kind of mother I had lost . I shuddered and the tears came streaming down loosely on to the bed . I was very hungry and I fell into a fitful sleep dreaming of demons chasing me. Suddenly I woke up from my day dreaming. I heard the sound of footsteps rapidly coming towards the door  . A key was inserted into the lock, turned and the door flung open bringing in the cold chilly air  outside  . The scar face man had entered the room . I noticed he limped  .He scanned  the room with his wicked looking eyes . He came to me and handed over a bag containing some clothing , packed meals and drinking water . I guess he noticed from my torn clothing the ordeal I had gone through . He smiled and started moving towards me with that glint in his eyes when suddenly he had a call on his cell phone.  He seemed agitated after receiving the call . He rushed outside, closed the door and locked it from outside. I could hear the screeching of his car as he moved out at a very fast pace . I wondered what had disturbed him.  I had a premonition that my situation was going to get worse . I needed to find a way to get out of this place fast . I needed to get access to the locked cabinet . I instinctively had a feeling that somehow this cabinet could house my passport to freedom.

                                 The room was sparsely furnished . A bed, cabinet, ladder ,washing bowl ,towel  were all the furnishing I could see in this  dimly lit room  . After rushing through the packed lunch and changing my clothes I picked up the ladder  .  I spread out the two legs of this ladder so it could stand, climbed up and looked through the window at the free world outside. I watched the sun gradually imerging in the sky . There seemed a lot of wind blowing that morning . I saw the dry leaves floating around as the wind blew fiercely. These leaves being blown around included mostly dry but also green leaves I felt bitter and depressed looking at these leaves . Life has a way of being so unfair.  Like these green leaves my family had been snatched away from me just when they were in their prime . I missed my parents so much. Destiny had been so unfair to me. I also realized that the building I was locked in was in a secluded area . There were lots of trees outside . The sunlight fought to penetrate through these tree covers to offer some light to the surrounding areas. I stepped down finally from the ladder and placed it back in it's original position, went to bed and  promptly fell asleep.

                                    I woke to the sound of a key once again being inserted in the lock outside. The door was slowly opened and my skinny rapist stepped in. He had a sheepish look on his face. I jumped out of bed and stepped backwards away from him. I was terribly frightened . This time he held the knife pointed at me. He moved slowly after me like a lion hunting it's prey, with the knife still pointed in my direction. He motioned to me to move back towards the bed.As he got close to me he grabbed me and threw me onto the bed slapping me across the face  as I feebly resisted .  He ignored my screams and raped me once again. He quickly dressed up and turned to me and said "this is your last day on this earth lady let's make the most of it,By this evening your dead body will be resting peacefully in the soil behind this building" he stated morbidly . As I sat at the edge of the bed holding my torn clothing against my body I noticed a shiny object lying close to the pillow, I slowly put it under the pillow hoping to observe it later . It must have fallen from his trouser pocket.  He left silently and furtively just as he had entered and locked the door outside . I lay on the bed dazed .I couldn't come to grips with what was happening to me.

                                  Could man be so evil ? Gradually my misery was being replaced by an anger I never realized existed in me  . I hated the sight of these two criminals who had violently taking away my freedom of virginity and subjected me to such violence . I wanted to fight back.  I wanted to inflict upon them as much pain as possible but how could I do this ? I still have that fighting spirit I inherited from my mother.  I picked up the pillow and  held it against my chest and wept bitterly and silently.The only sign of me weeping were the  tears and my chest heaving up and down with the flow of my sorrow . I remember the object I had pushed under the pillow earlier on and picked it up . It was a key .  I rushed to the cabinet with the Key and fitted it into the lock .  It wouldn't turn in the lock. I was totally disappointed .it seemed to be the wrong key. I slowly lowered myself onto the floor with my hands covering my head and wept  . In desperation I once more went towards the cabinet and inserted the key and tried once more . This time the key turned in the lock and the cabinet doors swang open . I couldn't believe it . The rapists pistol was sitting on the first shelf .Other items like syringe ,some kinds of chemicals and a knife were also in the cabinet. Suddenly I heard movement outside . I reached for the pistol , locked the cabinet and rushed back to the bed . I flung the pistol under the pillow . I turned towards the door and realized  the door was open and the rapist was staring at me with an angry and suspicious look on his face.   "what were you up to?" he screamed in his shrill voice at me.  He noticed the handle of the silver pistol protruding from under the pillow and quickly reached for a knife hidden in his socks . He rushed at me with the knife in his hands . I stepped backwards, reached for the gun under the pillow and with little time to think pointed it at him .

                                   My anger was boiling over .  I pulled the trigger just as he managed to reach me with his knife . There was a loud "bang" just as his knife grazed  my shoulder letting out blood .  He stood still for a moment  with a surprised expression on his face.  He  swayed for a moment and suddenly fell on the floor . His body twitched for a moment then lay still covered in blood.  I had shot him . For a few minutes I stood still ,dazed with my eyes wide open and the gun still held in my hand .  It finally dawned on me the magnitude of what I had just done. I screamed in horror and flung the gun away like it was a serpent. I continuously scream  till mercifully I fell to the floor . I had fainted . I woke up feeling a lot of pain in my arm from the rapist knife attack . He had drawn some blood . The rapist lay motionless  on the floor with his sightless eyes wide open.

                       I sprung back in terror, picked myself up and rushed towards the door . I flung the unlocked door wide open and rushed blindly into the sunlight outside crushing the leaves under my feet . I fled along the pavement outside screaming "I killed him  ,I killed him I killed him." As I stood in the bushes outside weeping hysterically , I heard the sound of a vehicle screeching to a halt at the entrance of the building where I had been kept as an unwilling guest by the kidnappers . The hugh scare faced man stepped out of the car .I guess he also noticed the car of his accomplice still parked in the driveway. He saw the door had been left a jar and rushed into the room.My heart missed a beat. I was filled with terror . I could hear him from the bushes roaring loudly in anger and surprise when he saw  his dead colleague. I shivered in fear .I was in real danger . He rushed back to his car picked up an AK-47 rifle  and rushed into the bushes looking for me . He had a murderous expression on his face.  I was dead meat . I said the lord's prayer .I stepped on a twig and there was a creaking sound .He turned towards my direction and rushed over . I lay very low desperately trying to hide .

                               As he got close to where I was he lifted the gun and sprayed the area with bullets . I opened my eyes in shock.This bastard really wanted to kill me. I was still alive. This man was evil . A snake sprung out of the bushes near me at that moment obviously  disturbed by the gun fire. It slid into the bushes . Noticing the snake and thinking that was the cause of the disturbance he turned towards the other direction.  The belief that every creature created by God was important dawned on me.  My life has been saved by a snake . I could see him a distance away still combing  the bushes  desperately looking for me.  Suddenly the rain poured down from the sky. I was totally drenched.  I could feel the sharp pain in my shoulder from the knife attack earlier on . It hurt so much . I lost consciousness.

                                     I was told I was unconscious for 2 days and was brought to the hospital by a kind gentleman who rescued me from the bushes . I owe my life to him . I'll forever be indebted to him for what he did for me that day.  After narrating this story the Catholic father assured me that whatever sin I had confessed to have been forgiven by God as a result of my confession . He also assured me that since I had killed in self-defense there was no need to fear God's punishment in hell. He also made me understand that there was no need to continue having the feeling of guilt, shame and self blame because of what had happened to me in the past . He encouraged me to refrain from mistrusting  people as a result of my experiences in the past .

                          He assured me that just as there were evil people in this world there were also very good people around to make the world a better place . As we went back towards the car for our journey back home he came out to see us off. He pulled Josy aside.  I heard him in undertones quietly thanking my therapist for her good work and efforts she was making to atone for her sins .  I was not meant to hear and I seemed a bit surprised.

                               My therapist was more like a god to me . What sin had she committed  ? Definitely it must be something so little.She was such a nice person. This visit did me a lot of good emotionally. I was gradually feeling the change in me . I was now seeing the world around me in a new light .I now felt the need to socialize with new friends. When memories of my past came to mind I quickly erased it from my thoughts by thinking of other things. Life can be pleasant. Like was said, every cloud has a silver lining. This was something to ponder about.

                           Life was turning out so well after so much misery . Though situations have changed for the better I still sometimes had the faint anxiety in my thoughts "will such good fortune last forever?"I was due to leave the clinic in a weeks time . My condition is improving rapidly Josy seems a bit worried of late.  She seems to have a lot on her mind. I hope it's not because of the thought that I'll be leaving here soon . She occasionally came to sit by my side . She would sit silently by my side fidgeting . She seemed detached and worried .  This isn't the Josy I had grown to depend on . She seemed subdued.  One day she made a remark that unsettled me " Riley will you ever be able to forgive the murderer of your mother " she asked.  I jerked up right ,stared at her with an injured look on my face and retorted " Certainly not . This man took away from me the light of my life. I will never ever forgive him.  He  took away from me the only thing that made life meaningful to me . I want him dead " Josy  looked at me silently for a while and slowly asked " What if he is a changed man who has done everything possible to give back the society what he took from it . I  looked into Josy's eyes there was a hurt expression on her face. 

Will I ever meet such a person again in my life . One who will give all her selflessness to a stranger like me . She  was an angel. She tried making a remark but hesitated,  shut up and quietly left the room .I noticed she was shedding tears .I stared at her as she left in surprise . A day before I left the hospital to return to my adopted family she came over to see me and  we chatted for a while . She told me she was very pleased with the progress I was making . She handed over to me a tightly sealed envelope  and asked me to make her a promise . The promise was to leave the envelope sealed until I had arrived at my adopted parents home.  Then only  will I be free to open it . I was curious what's all  this was about.  I gave her that promise.  we hugged  and she left  .  

Today is my last day in the clinic Josy says to me "today is your last day . Whatever the outcome I have you know that I'll always be there for you if you need me.  What do you plan to do after leaving your adopted parents place ?" she inquired" I plan on going to see my father after I have plans to go to college and let destiny guide me .  I was wearing a plain blue t-shirt and jeans and a pair of vans my adopted mum brought over . "Riley remember my envelope it includes a gift I have for you I hope you get all the happiness you deserve."Thank you Josy I'll never forget you. I walked down the hallway looking for my adopted mom .

After a while I spotted her standing by someone who looked familiar. The same curly dark brown orbs, sharp pointed nose and the same killer smile . I walked closer till I saw the persons face . The same face I had longed for two years. The same face that managed to bring a smile on my face no matter what. The same face that brought back so many sweet memories. It was Johan , my best friend . With teary eyes I run and wrapped my legs around his waist as I hugged him . I had missed him so much . In his last letter he wrote that he had relocated to a new state .I never imagined he would be here today .

I touched his cheek to make sure that he was the one and that I was not dreaming. I felt a thumb wipe my tears and I melted in his touch . I had missed him, how protective he was over me acting as though we were related by blood . " I missed you . You look healthy and happy. Your eyes have gotten those sparks back . I miss this side of you ." I heard him say." I missed you too Jo." I managed to say even though the lump in my throat did not permit me to say more .

"You're here Jo, I really missed you. If not for Josy and some other people I would have never come to understand what you meant by  letting go of the past brings peace to the soul. Thank you for all the letters and for never giving up on me." " Thank you too mom . " While leaving I saw Lydia a woman I had made friends with recently. She looked sad . Who wouldn't when her own flesh and blood ,her own daughter wants nothing more to do with her . Her daughter left her here and throughout her stay here she did not receive even a letter from her. I went towards her and hugged her. " I'll miss you aunty Lydia." I said . "Always stay happy dear."  she said. " I'll always come and visit when I get time.  I'll never forget all your advice and your stories. I'll miss you alot aunt " I said . " They are waiting for you dry your tears . I don't want your tears to be the last thing I see." She said . " Good bye aunty. Hope we meet again soon." "Goodbye " she said. I followed Johan and my mom outside as I stood frozen and let the cold air embrace me . It's been so long . So, so long and now I finally have my freedom . I had so many plans I had set aside for this day and now the day had come into reality. I didn't know if I could be the same person I was before but I was determined to at least try . When I got home nothing had changed.  My room still had the black and pink theme I left two years ago . With my pictures hanging on the wall near my bed and my painting and poems stuck on the other side of the room.  The room felt different. I felt like something had changed . All these colours were giving me a different vibe. It felt dull and lifeless.  I went near my art wall and used the tip of my fingers to brush over the words. I sat on my bed thinking of everything that had happened in these two years. From the part where I was kidnapped to where I was raped and how I met Josy. Life is really funny,the older you keep getting the more you see things in a different way. It has a funny way of teaching us. One thing life has thought me is to love the people who saw me in my misery,when I was invisible to everyone . Those that stuck by my side encouraging me. Life has also thought me that to pluck a rose there are two outcomes, to either get hurt or to pluck it with ease if you are lucky.

I dug into my bag which was placed near my bed till I found the envelope given  to me by Josy. What could be in the envelope was a mystery to me. I held it tightly as I opened it up and picked out the piece of paper inside. Just as I was about to open the piece of paper my brother walked in. I quickly place the paper back in the bag and watched him approach me." Hey sis." He said "Hey" I replied. I noticed him sit by me and I shifted feeling uncomfortable. We sat there without saying anything for a while until I voiced out my thoughts. " This is awkward". I said. " You know ,I missed you. I missed your teasing, your tricks,your voice . I remember the time when you used your eye liner to draw a moustache on my face and the time you threw water on me. I got mad at you but these memories are what always came to mind when I thought of you. I know I've not been the best brother. I know most of the words I spoke to you were hurtful but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all those times I embarrassed you at school. I'm sorry for all those times you needed me and I let you down. I'm really sorry. I can no longer live with this guilt . I missed you so much."  He said . I looked into his dark orbs only to see tears in them. He was shedding tears for me. Thinking of everything he had ever done to me, what Josy told me about keeping relations and what Lydia told me about family always being the compass that guide us through the good and bad times I went closer to him and hugged him."  It's ok ." As Dave Willis once said " Family isn't defined only by the last name or by blood , it's defined by commitment and by love .  It means showing up when they need it most. It means having each other's backs. It means choosing to love each other even on those days when you are struggling to like each other. It means never giving up on each other. "  You're my brother and I will always love you. There's no need to ask for forgiveness it makes us look like strangers. I said. " Thank you , I promise to always have your back as my younger sister. We sat there and talked for a while till we were called for dinner. After dinner I went back to my room lay on the bed and took out the paper Josy gave to me.

Dearest Riley,

I believe you are curious to know what is written in this letter. This letter contains a part of my life I have hidden from you. This letter is about the things I went through after Amy's death .                                                 

After Amy's death , I was depressed and had insomnia. The days that followed just reminded me of how my carelessness had killed my daughter. Some days I could see a shadow of a baby reaching out to me and other days I would hear it cry . I was traumatized. I became a living corpse . Sometimes I refused to speak and other days I refused to eat . I was later thrown out of the house by my aunt . That was when I felt the urge to commit suicide. I roamed the streets for days  eating the leftover food people had thrown away . I was homeless and had to find a way to survive . One day I had a very severe fever. I was sure I was going to die , I was sure I was going to meet Amy . While I was laying on the street a woman passed by and told me she could help me . She took me to a fancy house and treated my fever. She put a roof over my head and listened to me narrating my problems. She told me there was a way to get rid of all my pain and that she would help me if I was ready. With images of Amy always floating in my mind and the constant pain in my chest I asked for her help. She sent me over to a man in his mid-30s and asked him for her regular. I was confused . What could it be that she would take regularly? He placed a bag in her hand and she requested we go." Life is a game baby girl . On the street you have to find your means of survival. " She said to me.  When we arrived at her home she opened up the bag with a huge smile on her face." What could it be? " I thought . She took out the packet and placed it on the table and sniffed it ." This is so good baby girl try it you would love it ." she told me.  I was confused whether to try it or not but then I saw Amy's face and sniffed the content in the packet. It was weed. It was so strong that it made my problems subside. I was in my own world and I didn't care what people said. I felt so relaxed.  I felt happy. I began to think if this was only what one dose felt like then maybe more would stop the pain so I constantly took it for six months until the lady requested I pay for it if I needed it. I was so engrossed in it to the extent I could do anything to get that white powder near my nostril. I couldn't do without it. I needed it . I could even kill to get it . What she said was very easy. I just had to introduce people to it like she did to me. She needed people to supply it to so she can raise money to buy more since one  dose  cost more than hundred dollars . My life was at risk if I were to be caught but I needed it so bad. So far I hadn't felt guilty and I wanted it that way.  I started distributing drugs to students and others. As long as I got the money I can talk about them. There were days when she would refuse to give me the weed .  On such days I acted as though I was mad. It was my only means of survival. One evening after supplying the students with their favourite drug and was returning home I felt someone following me. I pulled out my pocket knife and faced whoever it was. It was a teenage girl she looked so scared . "What do you need ?"I asked "I need a place to stay. I'm begging of you." She said. "What's your name and how old are you? "I asked . "My name is Amelia and I'm 16 years old ." she said . "Listen Amelia life on the street is hard but you're gonna regret going with me if I let you." I told her ." I'll never regret. I promise .

I'll do anything you ask of me." She replied back . "Anything , even risking your life?" I asked. "Anything." she replied back. Follow me. I told her . I took her home that evening and had my boss explain everything to her . She promised to always stay obedient and like me she was also given a taste of her new life. Things were going out well. We made so much profit and the business was expanding with us exporting them. Amelia was made to sell them to students in need while I sold them to people of higher rank. I switched from smoking weed to injecting heroin.

Everything was going on smoothly until one day Amelia came home running telling us the cops were after us . My boss Emelia , was mad more like furious . She packed some of the goods and clothes and asked us to make a quick exit . The others were in the basement when it all happened but rushed out when they heard the gunshot. Everyone was running trying to find an escape route. I couldn't give up now. This is not the ending I wanted . I wanted to be happy and to do that I needed to run . There was another gunshot and I watched Amelia's lifeless body fall to the ground . I stood rooted to the spot I was as I saw the cops place handcuffs on me. Amelia was dead that too because of me. I introduced her to this , I caused this. I saw Amy's face and Amelia's flash before my eyes. I killed them both. At night time I would see both of them call me with Amelia crying for help . I couldn't take it and my only means of support was gone . I was in jail and was sentenced to three years in prison . This was no surprise since deep within my soul I had always expected this . The urge to take drugs became my only motive. It was all I could think about. Some days I just wanted to end my life because all I could feel was pain. During my stay there I met other drug addicts like myself who were also sent to rehabilitation. The demand for drugs decrease after a year of staying there. Slowly I started living freely without the need for weed or heroin yet I still couldn't forgive myself for what I did to those who reminded me of my mistake. A Catholic father came over one Monday morning and asked for those who wanted to give their lives to Christ. He spoke about how Christ forgives all sinners who come to him and the joy it brings  unto Christ.           " Would Christ really forgive me?" I thought . The Catholic father asked everyone who wished to be born again to say a prayer and I said mine with an open heart . As the months passed I gradually told Father Augustine everything about myself and he assured me I have been forgiven.

He came every Monday to enlighten the youth and adults about Christ's love. He is and will always be one of a kind. Due to my good conduct I was released eight months earlier. The Catholic Father sent me to his church which provided me with shelter and better education. The church helped me to forfill my dream academically to be a psychologist. They helped me a lot. I still see Amy and Amelia in my dream and I know they keep watching me . I have forgiven myself and hope they forgive me also . You know during my stay in jail I met an elderly man who told me about his life . He said , to escape being caught for stealing and doing drugs he ran away from home. He left behind his wife and his son and daughter  . His daughter might be the same age as you but his son might be a little older. He told me about the regret he felt leaving his family and not watching his children grow. He has been in jail for 11 years . He also said if time could go back and if he could change one thing in his life he would change and become a better person someone worthy of his children's love. This man taught me a lot from his life story. I learnt that harbouring pain just leaves a scar. A scar which never heals and increases with time . Your past is done and gone so forget it but remember it's lessons .  Your future will definitely come so dream about it but your present is now so live like there's no tomorrow . Letting go of the past is the only way to move further so please forgive them . Forgiving them doesn't mean forgetting it. There will always be a time when it flushes through your mind but forgiveness is the only way to move forward.

I ended the letter with tears  in my eyes . One thing I've learnt during my years on earth is that life is not always perfect. We will not always get what we want . Even though it hurts alot things that shouldn't have happened , happened . People who we never thought would leave, left . Our lives will not always turn up the way we want but  all we've got to do is let go of how we thought life should be. We've got to forgive those who wronged us because if we are waiting for them to give an apology before we forgive then that will probably take a life time . I thought of what Josy wrote all night and I realized that forgiveness is really the only way to move forward . I walked into my step father's room and watched the man I had longed for love from for years . There were so many tubes attached to his body and despite that he stretched his arms to welcome me for a hug ." I missed you little fairy." He said with pain laced in his every word. " I missed you too papa." I said ." Dear, I know along the line I have made some mistakes and I'm sorry for that . I look at you and I see the passage of time . My little fairy with a paint brush is now the woman I look at with pride. You are a big girl now and you understand much about life and death. Papa has to leave this world because God needs him. From now on you must be strong enough to look after mummy and your elder brother. I love you and will always do . Please work hard in your studies and do well in your exams. Your mom and brother will continue to teach you when you make a mistake but that does not mean they do not love you. They want you to become a better person. I always thought that I was stronger until I saw the strength you used to heal. Remember, papa will always be proud of you and will always watch over you." He said. Papa as someone once said ," To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." I forgive you papa. I know you did what you thought best for me and I understand you . Davis Willis once said ," Family means choosing to love each other even on those days you struggle to like each other ." You're my father no matter what others say and I'll always love you . Josy was right . Maybe forgiving someone really is the only way to move on. I walked out of dads room with tears in my eyes. Was I really gonna lose him also ?

Today was Sunday. I decided to go to church with my family. While in church the Catholic father announced the topic on which he was preaching was forgiveness. He said " Forgiveness means to forget  someone's bad deeds or mistakes and not punishing him or her for that bad deed or mistake or bad behavior. Sometimes, a person performs such act which is damaging for us, hurts us or makes a part of our live tough but " true forgiveness is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." This is a quote by Lewis B. Smedes. As Martin Luther King JR. Once said " Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act. It means, rather,that the evil act no longer remains a barrier to the relationship. Forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning." We stood up and said a prayer . He told all those who believed that they had been forgiven to say " Dear lord , bless me with the power to forgive give me the grace to forgive those who have done me wrong . Give me the strength to forgive myself for my failings and sins knowing that you have already forgiven me. Free me from all the hate , bitterness , unforgiveness and anger." After reciting the prayer the choir brought a song by Lynda Randle called God On The Mountain .

"Verse 1

Life is easy when you're up on the mountain

And you've got peace of mind like you've never known

But when things change and you're down in the valley

Don't lose faith, for you're never alone

And the God on the mountain is still God in the valley

When things go wrong, he'll make them right

Chorus

And the God of the good times is still God in the bad times

The God of the day is still God in the night

Verse 2

We talk of faith when we're up on the mountain

But talk comes so easy when life's at its best

But in the valley of trials and temptation

That's when faith is really put to the test

Chorus

And the God on the mountain is still God in the valley

When things go wrong, he'll make them right

And the God of the good times is still God in the bad times

The God of the day is still God in the night

The God of the day is still God in the night. Months have passed by quickly and so has time . During these five months I have stayed with my adopted family, I have had the best time of my life and  created so many memories. My adopted dad came home two months ago because he insisted he wanted to have a feel of home before he passed on . Mum was upset with him because she did not want to lose him or see him die at home . She claimed it will be very painful and that the memory would haunt her for life but seeing how happy papa was she gradually accepted the situation   .

I was in my room writing down a poem I intended to give to Papa when I heard a loud scream . With the speed of light I descended the flight of stairs to come face-to-face with mum staring at Daddy's closed eyes with her eyes brimming with tears as she stroked his hair to wake him up . He looked too peaceful and quiet his skin looked pale . Mom begged for me to wake papa she continuously said " Riley , your dad doesn't want to wake up . He's mad at me for not bringing him the ice cold beer he asked for.  Tell him it's because of his health.  Tell him I'm not ready to lose him I'll go get it for him if that's what he wants . Just please tell him to wake up . " She said.  I hugged her tightly as I heard her weep on my shoulder while dad was being carried away.  A lonely tear escaped and gradually my sobs filled the room.  Why did he have to go now when everything was doing great . He didn't even get to see my poem for him . I hope you are happy dad  . Dear God as Michelle Frizzel Thompson one said " if roses grow in heaven Lord please pick a bunch for me, place them in my father's arms and tell him they are from me.  Tell him I love him and miss him, and when he turns to smile place a kiss upon his cheek and hold him for a while because remembering him is easy I do it everyday but there's an ache within my heart that will never go away.     

Today my dad was to be placed six feet  under ground. There was a part of me which still could not accept this. As someone once said " If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane  . I would walk right up to heaven and bring you back again. No farewell words were spoken , no time to say goodbye. You were gone before I knew it, and only God knows why . My heart still aches with sadness and secret tears flow . What it meant to love you no one can ever know. But now I know you want me to mourn for you no more ; To remember all the happy times life still has much in store . Since you'll never be forgotten, I pledge to you today a hollowed place within my heart is where you'll always stay. I cleared my tear filled eyes as I walked to the stage to read my speech . " Hello everyone. I'm Riley Essah . I appreciate you all coming out to celebrate the life of my father.  My father was an incredible person. He was not only the best role model but he did a lot of voluntary work in his free time. My dad's most notable feature with his height.  He was over six feet tall and you would think his towering presence would be intimidating but he was one of a kind and a wonderful person I learnt so much from . In his time  on earth he helped so many children through charity events and put smiles on so many faces . One important lesson I learnt from my father was to stand up for myself , to let people know what I think, to be strong to be confident and most importantly to believe in myself. After my father passed  away I found a letter he left for me.  I read. When tomorrow comes now I'm not here with you know that you are loved and always will be . When the sun rises and sets with no glimpse of me know Papa will always watch over you. I'll be your past and will watch as we move forward . I'll miss you always and every time but I have to go my maker seeks for me . A street made of gold awaits me . A world where age doesn't change and time has no value awaits me , you'll be missed always and forever . When I come to the end of my journey, don't weep for me, rather hold each other close and smile for me . You all will be missed always and forever. I ended his poem with a heavy heart . Before my dad died I wrote a poem I wanted to give to him about something I felt for a long time . In the cold white painted room stood hundreds of children in need of shelter . The act of kindness was all we needed to warm our heart . Out of these hundreds I was chosen and given a title daughter worth millions.  To me you will always be my papa my guardian angel my biological mother sent to me . I'll always love you no matter what and when your time comes to leave this world I'll let you go without regret for I know you'll be somewhere better .

I don't know how long it will take me to grieve over this tremendous loss. My father was the best I could ever have . I'll miss my dad's wonderful presents every day and I'm so grateful for everything  he did for me even though I was only adopted . I'm so grateful for every second I got to spend with him .Thank you."

I ended my speech as the choir began to sing spirit in the sky by Greenbaum. I couldn't stop my tears I ran into my adopted mother's arms as I let my tears flow  .  One day we shall meet again papa in a world filled with only sunshine and rainbow. After dad's funeral I decided it was time I continued my studies. During my childhood I wanted to be one of the best doctors and even now that dream still remains . I decided I did not want to continue staying here , because it brought back so many bad memories . Although I had forgiven all those who hurt me the memories were still there . Every where I went held a memory. Today I have decided to discuss with my mom my decision to leave the country to study abroad . I knew it would be tough for her. She might think I'm leaving because of her but honestly I wanted to be away for sometime, to heal ,to start my life again, to pick up from where I left off and to do that I needed to leave here where it all began.

I walked into my adopted mom's room and sat beside her ." Mom I will like to speak to you about something. Well the thing is I was to be in the university two years ago but because of certain circumstances I was unable to . I remember dad telling me to do well in my exams and to work hard in my studies and I've decided to go back to school . I've applied for a university in the states . I would like to go outside the country to fulfill my dream to become a doctor . I've been giving an admission at sky high college on scholarship and I will be leaving God willing next week . The course I'm applying for is a six years program and I would love it if you support my decision . " Mom looked at me with tears in her eyes and said " Of course I'll support your decision . I want your wounds to heal and for you to follow your dreams. I want to look at the list of best doctors and see your name. I'm proud of you for wanting to start school again . Whenever you need a helping hand always remember you've got a mom who will do anything for you ." I hugged mom and wept on her shoulder. "I'll miss you ." I said  .

My last days at home were the best I had ever had . I wish I could stay longer but I can't. Currently I'm at the  airport consoling my mom that everything was going to be alright.

" Goodbye's are said to people who we know we will never meet again so come back soon my dear we will wait for you." These were the last words I heard from my mom before proceeding further into the airport . On arrival I went over to a hotel for my stay. Things are going to be great tomorrow . I encouraged myself before falling into deep slumber.

The rays of sunlight fell upon my eyes as I rose up in discomfort.  I quickly checked the time and found that I was twenty minutes late for school. I quickly maintained my personal hygiene as I took my luggages and hailed a cab for school. I was to be placed in campus today which was great news since it would spare me excess traffic .

When I arrived in the school there was much agitation among the students , it was the mixture of  confusion and excitement. News got to them from different sources  on the arrival of a new student. Having a new student in Sky high was no new thing , but a dark skinned in an all white school was what they found weird . The news spread like wildfire during the harmattan. Some students confirmed they saw the new girl but her being dark skinned was excluded by the tale bearers.

I followed the secretary whom I got to know as Mrs Simpson as she told me more about the school . She gave me a booklet containing the school rules and regulations."The school focuses on the morals of students." She said . She told me to come for my books and time table first thing Monday morning. We both walked toward the place where the female dorms were situated . At the entrance of the building stood my bags . "Boys are not allowed into the female hostel for more than an hour and vice versa. You may leave your bags here for now, you can come back for it once I introduce you to the matron who will show you your room." She informed me as she opened the gate that leads to the hostel.

The  dorm rooms were  built in the form of an apartment with large glass windows and adequate space between each building. I stood in awe looking at the view . A woman seemingly in her thirties walked up to us sweating profusely like she had run a marathon. She glanced at me then turned to the secretary giving her all her attention. " Mrs Coker. Here's the new student I told you about ,Riley Essah. She is in the science block specialising to be a doctor. " Mrs  Simpson said . " Welcome to sky high college. Our vision is to shape  leaders." Mrs Coker said. Mrs Coker walked me to a particular room and took out a key from her small purse inserting it into the keyhole  . She turned it twice then the door opened . She entered as I followed suit.

The room was very large and cosy and was painted baby pink with white furniture.  I was taken on a tour to certain places in the apartment and I figured out where the kitchen , hall and other two bedrooms are . Apparently I was told I was sharing the room with a second year art student . " I'll leave you to get familiar with the room you should meet your roommate very soon after the orientation program of the new students ." Mrs Coker said . She left the room leaving me alone.  I walked toward the second room and began packing my things in the closet.As my first week in college gradually became history I can say I survived. It was much better than in the movies. I had so many fears and many doubts  but in the midst of it all I decided to enjoy every moment that had been granted to me. I had met new people and gained new friends. I can say I've accepted this place as my second home. I'm not going to lie but I felt homesick , tired and frustrated. Well let's just say my roommate is simply the best. Her name is Jessica she's got a brother named Dave and she prepares really good food. She's more of a sister to me than the stranger most people would consider. I can say I'm happy with the people that love me even after knowing about all my flaws . I can say little by little I'm going to grow into the person I dreamt of becoming, the person that my family wished for me , a person who lives to do what ever it is that he or she  loves to do and make the best of it. Well if someone asked me how my college life has been for the past five years I would say it's been hectic. Making room for my friends , making room for my books and above all making room for my family . I can't believe it's left with three weeks for Jessica to graduate and I am happy for her but all the same I'm going to miss her . She even stayed up late several nights to make coffee for me. I'm going to miss the heart to heart talks, the shoulder that is always there for me to lean on  and the sister who always have a solution to my problems.  Although I had other friends like Brandon, Anthony ,Genevieve and Dave who are always there for me Jessica is really a gold bar that means a lot to me.

Today we decided that after class we will have a sleep over since it's really been a long time since we did that and also since we wanted to spend time with Jessica. After my class is over I went to my campus and put the blankets on the floor as I packed the drinks and snacks we would need . After about 30 minutes they all arrived. We sat down talking  and drinking the pineapple punch Smirnoff I had placed on the floor. "Jessica , I would like to say a few words. Jess , thank you for being my partner in stupidity . Thank you for stepping into the role of my mother from helping me choose clothes to cleaning her room and sharing thoughts .Whenever I need someone you never deny listening to my things even my silly thoughts. With the help of your presence I learnt how to stay away from home and do all things independently. I remember when you left your essential lecture to take care of me when I was sick. You took care of me like my mother would have and also gave me medication and food . You took care of me throughout the night . I'm going to miss you bestie but I guess we got to grow up  The people who we want to stay with us will not  stay forever .What's important is that they know their value in our lives and how much impact they have had on it positively

I hugged Jessica tightly as I began to feel the alcohol take effect . " Jess,why do I feel like the room is spinning ?" I questioned. I heard laughter from behind me as I struggle to sit down . " why are you laughing?" I questioned " Guys there's this question that has been on my mind that I want to ask. Who has ever fallen in love and how was it like?" I questioned. " I haven't had the time to think about it but I think it's like what we see in the movies" Jessica said. "You are wrong Jess it's nothing like in the movies loving someone is like being a different person altogether you want to experience every thing with that person . You cant sleep without hearing from that person . It's nothing like in the movies. What happens in the movie  is just an illusion." Dave said. Dave have you ever been in love before ? I inquired. " Yes ,I have ."

" I loved a girl named Hannah. We were in the same high School. Jessica and my parents were in approval of our relationship. Hannah was what we defined as perfection. She had a sculptured figure which was thin. Her waist tapered down nicely and she had a burnished complexion. She had a pair of arched eyebrows and sweeping eyelashes . Her delicate ears framed a bottom nose . She had a set of dazzling angel white teeth.  Her hair was midnight black and it flowed over her shoulder. She had brown eyes and  heart-shaped lips . She had a cheerful character . She wore her clothing in a way that matched her personality . I had already made plans in my head on how during our college days I was going to propose to her then we will get married and have kids . But do you know what happened ? She left me. She left the world. She died during our Senior Year in high school. I remember it was a Friday night and Hannah and I were supposed to meet but she cancelled it saying she had a strange feeling. I tried to talk her out of it but she wouldn't listen. I was half asleep when I heard my phone ringing. I reached for my phone underneath my pillow . From the faint light coming through the curtains I could tell it was morning. I checked the time on my phone and found that it was 5:30 a.m. I answered the call and to my surprise it was male voice. "hello" the boy said breathing heavily . "who is this ?"I asked suddenly awake . "Daniel ,Hannah's brother ."I couldn't make out if he was running somewhere but there was a lot of noises from the background ." Whats up Daniel , where is Hannah ? " I asked anxiously throwing off the blanket on me ."Dave we are rushing to the ICU 

Hannah just had an accident."  Just like that my heart beat accelerated and I remembered something she told me a long time ago . " you might be happy to be with your friends today and ignore my calls but someday you might be sad when you might want to talk to me but I might not be able to."  I was scared . I wasn't ready to lose her so I rushed to my mum and Dad's room and told them after  which I went to Jessica's room. When we arrived at the hospital I saw her family crying. I thought everything was going to be fine since I prayed. I thought she would get better. That day I stayed  in the hospital waiting for the doctor's report . They told me she was improving. They gave me hope at least I would see her smile again. Upon hearing the news I was asked to go home and rest but how could I . I knew I had to rest if I wanted to take care of her. I knew I had to take care of my health . I went home with a heavy heart. You know that night I dreamt of her. She held my hand and told me to move on. She told me to be happy without her. I woke up dazed by what I dreamt of. I quickly called Jessica and told her about my dream. She told me that it was just 3 a.m. and that I should rest but I couldn't . I noticed my phone ring and picked it up hurriedly. It's was Hannah's dad. He spoke after a long silence " Dave.... it is a sad news but I believe you must know. Hannah is no more. She left us a few minutes ago . I couldn't accept the news Hannah couldn't leave me after all the plans we had made. I vowed to myself to never love again after I had lost Hannah. I too had a Love story guys but it wasn't like what we see in the movies" he ended. As the months passed by I realise that happiness is what you make of things not what others say or do to you.. You can be the reason for your own happiness. I looked around me seeing the happy faces of my loved ones standing beside me as I took my certificate and we blew the candle on the cake. I can't believe we've survived 6 years together. Even after Jessica completed school we still continued our friendship and made time for each other. I saw Jessica run to me as she entangled me in a hug . This is my family. A family made up of people who care for me. Get ready mum I'm coming back home tonight.

Upon arriving at the airport I picked a taxi. A gentle breeze ruffled the leaves on the maple tree. Sunlight gently bathed the houses around in a warm light. Birds flying to and fro chattered to one another. The taxi parked near the garage . I opened the door with the spare keys I had and took a deep breath. I had arrived. Nothing seem to have changed . The rickety old basketball hoop seems to guard the driveway proudly even though it had  long lost it's net. As I walked slowly down the side way I caught a glimpse of the backyard. This was where dad used to plant all his crops . Memories overwhelmed me as I lowered myself into the grass by the hole. The once green field was now overrun with weeds and dirt. I remember a time when it was overflowing with vibrant produce . Tomatoes, beans , onions and cucumbers .Most importantly, though ,were  the blueberries. I remember running out on hot days to steal some of those. Rising from the ground I dusted off my jeans before continuing past the garden . I passed where the metal swing used to stand long gone at this point. I remember swinging myself. Turning in a circle I took in all my surroundings. I finally dragged my suitcase inside the house.  Flipping the light on . I was greeted by silence. Walking further I saw pictures we took with dad before his departure. The familiar scent assaulted me as I struggled to hold back my tears of Joy and sadness . My joy at being back home and my sadness at missing my beloved deceased father. Memories crowd my mind as I wandered down the hallway. A voice brought me out from my million thoughts as I went to hug that person I had missed the most , my adopted mum. "I am back home mum and I'm never going to leave again."I spent the entire day unpacking my things and talking to mom . While talking to mom she told me about an envelope she received which was addressed to me. She went over to her room and brought the large brown envelope to me. When she left for me to rest I took up the envelope and opened it . It was a letter from my deceased mother's bankers . According to them they had strict instructions to release it to me on my 26th birthday . It contained a letter from my mom. The letter reads...My dear daughter I love you with all my heart. As you turn 26 years old  I believe it's time to know more about your past . Certain details I have kept away from you because I felt you were not old enough to absorb so much .My life is constantly in danger hence my decision to leave this information safe in the banks safe custody to be released to you by my lawyers just in case I don't live long enough to let you know.I met you dad when we both did undercover work with our countries security forces. I remember you sometimes wondered how I reacted instantly to certain situations like the snake that landed on your bed that day we camped on the beach. It resulted from the military and other intelligence training I had which I kept away from you to protect you and also fulfil the secrecy obligation demanded by my work.Your dad was such a lovely caring person then and we often carried out assignments together.He wasn't into drugs then and loved you two kids with all his heart. He however began to change after one botched operation. He had been given orders to blow up a vehicle containing two hardened criminals who possed a security risk to the country. Letting them live was out of the question because they had acquired certain information which endangered the security of the country if exposed. The instruction was to wipe them off the face of the earth. You dad traced their movements and finally managed to place a timed explosive device in their vehicle at a time they we're expected to be alone. Their vehicle blew up that late night as expected but there was one hitch. Our intelligence picked up hadn't made us aware that these criminals were to kidnap a little girl as part of their operation that night. This little sweet girl was tied up in the back seat of their car when your dad  attached the timed explosive device under the car. She died with the explosion. Your dad being the sensitive man that he was never got over that experience. He was torn apart as a result of that disaster and took to drinking and the use of drugs to calm him down.Your dad disappeared one early morning leaving me a note. He apologized for all the embarrassment he had caused his family. He admitted he had made several attempts to get out of drug use without any success . He told me he had information from his former intelligence sources that the  father of the little girl killed in his botched bomb blast happened to be a powerful man who had contacts who were in the security service. They had finally managed to source out the reason for the bomb blast and now very close to tracing him. The powerful man had placed a million dollar reward for any individual who can identify him. The man wanted him dead together with his family to avenge for the death of his daughter. Your dad stated that to avoid placing his family in danger in his present drugged state he had decided to go into hiding. He promised he would do all he could to get contacts to protect us in his absence. He stated that he loved you all and wished that you will one day find it in your heart to forgive him for the harm he had caused you.My daughter this is the reason we moved house so many times. The powerful man had finally traced your dad's identity and the search for us was intensifying . We are all in danger. I will do everything in my power to protect you. Please take good care of your brother for me if I loose my life trying to protect you. The name of this powerful man  is James Panga. There is a note attached to this letter giving you information that can help protect you. Please make sure you memorise the information so you destroy that note. May the good Lord continue to protect you and your brother my darling.We will meet again one day in that lovely place free from all this evil. I opened up the other envelope I was said to destroy only to find two note attached and a necklace . The letter reads. " Fourth street  Golden road . Follow the landmarks that lead to the old chocolate factory . The road that follows is not in good shape walk straight ahead till you reach the cream coloured house .This is the address to a house your dad and I bought which I think might be a good hide out for him to be at . The necklace placed in this envelope has a tracker . Your father wanted to gift it to you on your twentieth birthday. He has a similar one around his neck . I sat on my bed quietly after reading the letter. All sorts of ideas were passing through my mind. I remembered the numerous times we had to move house to settle else where. I remembered how frightened and worried my mummy always seemed to be. She seemed always on edge. I remembered how angry and alarmed she was when I brought to her a loaded pistol she kept hidden in one of our locked drawers. I had discovered the key to the lock and opened it. Everything seemed to fall in place now. I now understood her worries and what she had passed through . I spent some time memorising the contents of the note attached . I turned to the other page and came face to face with a picture which had the name James Panga inscribed on it . He had the same scar the same eyes the same hair colour. James Panga turned out to be the man that kidnapped me . I quickly wrote down the address and destroyed it together with the picture as she requested.

That night I had trouble sleeping .Numerous thoughts clouded my mind. I had finally come to understand James Panga's hatred for me and reason for my father's behaviour . There was this place I knew I had to visit .I had postponed it long enough. When I woke up the following day I dressed up and picked a taxi to visit that one place .

I looked around me with tears in my eyes as I took in the view before me. This was the last place I wanted to be after several years of trying to forget the harsh reality. I looked beyond the cemeteries iron gate to the Stones inscribed as Dixon and Betrice. They bore the inscription a mother and a wife and a son and a brother. I lay down on the ground as I use my fingertips to trace the writings. " Dear mom, I hope you hear me . I know it's been years since you last saw me and I'm sorry for that . I hope my brother is keeping you company and making you smile like I would love to do. Well my life is going great. I've got a family that cares for me , friends that are always around and the job I always wanted . There are still days I miss you and days I try to understand dads reason for leaving us and it hurts. I know you would want for me to forgive him but it's so hard . Mum you know right after arriving in the city after a 6 years program in the states I received your letter . Until now I still feel scared to visit that address you gave me. What if I find him there? Mum I'm working hard if that's what you want to know. I'm an intern at the Rivers hospital . One thing that shows how unfair life is is that you were there when I took my first breath and I was there when you took your last , ironic right." I lay on the ground weeping. I heard footsteps behind me and turned to see a handsome young man approaching me . He hesitated when he saw me but approached me and sat beside me .My heart beat seemed to skip in a funny way. I felt confused. I just stared at him . He told me his name was Henry . He was there to visit his grandmother . The stranger held my hand gently and softly and asked me the reason for my misery. He sat quietly waiting for my reply. After a long while I regained control of my tongue and I narrated how I lost them. He encouraged me to push forward. He said " If you love them to a point of wishing they were never where they are it's understandable but not letting go and holding on to the past and praying they were here today after all the people you have in your life is being selfish. God has a reason for taking them with him and you must learn to accept that." He exchanged numbers with me and we partied off to our separate ways . I felt dazed. This gentleman certainly had an effect on me .My visits to my mom's graveyard brought peace to my soul  . I felt that I was gradually opening up new pages in my life and not just staying at the same spot . I went home feeling  relieved. At least now things were falling into place . I quickly sent a message to Josy who constantly stayed in touch with me that I finally did it . I smiled when she replied" I'm sure you did great." I texted back saying "yes I did and guess what I met someone today"" tell me about it " she texted back I laughed at this as I left her in suspense with a thought of visiting her tomorrow.

One bright morning a middle aged gentleman stepped out of prison carrying a back pack. He had a blank look on his face as he shaded his eyes with his left hand against the light. His original prison sentence had been cut short as a result of a pardon by the president who visited the cells a few days ago. He had fought hard in prison to overcome drug use. He sat on a bench near the roadside. As he sat quietly he thought about his life over the span of eleven years.He recollects lovely moments spent those early days with his wife whilst working together with their  country's secret service .He recollects struggles they had gone through together and come out safely. Successes they had chalked together . Sweet moments they had had in each other's arms. Tears steal down his cheeks.Tears dropped down his cheeks as he remembers the sweet kids they had had together. One girl and a boy. His mind goes deep into the past as he remembered the several occasions they visited the beach together with the kids. He smiles as he remembered how he carried his boy several times on his shoulders . He wept as he remembered how he had to leave this sweet family in order to save their lives and also prevent them seeing what he had turned into.Why had he gone bad. Why did he have to blow that assignment . Why hadn't he just checked to be sure there wasn't any other occupant in the car. He blamed himself for the girls death. He had lost track of his families movement as a result of their constant change of address and accommodation in their bid to avoid the drug baron.The message he picked up from his  vine yard contacts was that his family had been wiped out by the drug baron. He had spent several sleepless nights in his prison cell weeping over this lovely family he had lost. Life had been so mean to him . He had been arrested dealing in drugs and sentenced to 15 years of hard labour for his crime. He remembered one morning as he sat quietly musing he observed a new inmate walking calmly past him. Something about this man seemed familiar.As he looked in his direction   something drew his attention. He notices two inmates furtively following the new inmate on tip toes. One held a piece of metal which had been sharpened to a sharp point. The other held a hammer.These two guys he knew we're notorious bullies terrorising prisoners. As they glide furtively towards the new inmate from the back he gets up curious and moves towards them to get a better idea as to what they were up to. Suddenly one if the inmates swung his leg against that of the new inmate and sends him crushing to the floor in surprise . The two prison bullies now jumped on him swinging their weapons at him to strike him dead. He rolled away at the last moment to avoid their weapons. He had a scare on his cheek The quiet gentleman suddenly coiled up and swung into action . He bent down swiftly, grabbed the neck of one of the bullies just as he was about to sink his improvised knife into the new inmates belly and throws him easily across the yard.The bully hit his head against a pillar.The inmate with the hammer turned his attention to him and rushed towards him with the hammer raised .As the second bully swung the hammer in a wide arch towards him he swiftly stepped aside,bent low,reached out and grabbed the offenders swinging arm with his right arm. His left fist swung up violently in an uppercut and caught the surprised inmate in the mouth. The inmate dropped silently to the ground with blood oozing from his mouth.Everything seemed to happen within a split moment. The other inmates gathered around to watch this awesome display. None had expected this swift display of violence from this innocent looking gentleman who always kept to himself. The prison guards were alerted to the ongoing action and quickly rushed in to carry away the injured bullies. The gentleman was also taken away for questioning .  Bystanders justified his action to the authorities. The following morning as the inmates went in for their morning shower the new inmate with the scare moved towards the gentleman. He said "Good morning. I will for ever be grateful to you for saving my life yesterday. May I know name." My name is James Panga ." He said. As I stood in shock he smiled and continued"That was a good display from a drug addict like you. Like I said I owe you a favour and will forever be grateful for saving my life yesterday. That was the beginning of their friendship. The two men sat at one corner at the prison yard. They have just had  a long discussion and settled issues between them. The gentleman has just  made James Panga aware that he was the cause of his daughters death. He had expressed his deep regret over the issue. His apology had been accepted by James . He also got confirmation of his deepest suspicion that James had sent killers to wipe out his family. Each expressed regret at his action and they vowed to maintain their new friendship. There was one other thing made known to the gentleman. His daughter had not been murdered. She was alive. He had to look for his daughter . There was some one to live for after all. His daughter. James had given him a firm promise he will stop pursuing his daughter. The revenge on Riley's family was over. The urge to see his daughter once more as a changed man motivated him.

A visiting Catholic father and a young girl he met during rehab played a key role in helping him fight drug use. With the young girls help and from her story he learnt that by forgiving him self and working out to improve on his mistakes  was the only way he could be someone worthy of his family. God bless that kind soul for her words since it played a key role in his changed life .On the Catholic father's last visit to the cells  father Augustine wrote his name and address and offered it to him. He was to contact him for help if he ever got out prison. His only motive now was to find that kind soul and his daughter and to do that he needed to be in good shape. He picked a taxi and handed over to the driver  the address with a though of seeing the two very soon . Early this morning Josy messaged me the address to her husband's cafe . She spoke of how she wanted to hear everything that had happened in the past six years and also she wanted me to meet her husband Edward since I couldn't make it to their wedding two years ago . I walked to a flower shop and bought a bouquet of red roses for Josy . When I finally came out of the shop I picked a taxi and headed for cafe Rosa . When I arrived I texted Josy to tell her I have arrived that was when I spotted Josy with her seven months old pregnant self approach me .  " Josy , oh my goodness I missed you so much these are for you ." I said . " No need to be so formal come here , meet my husband Edward." She said . " Nice to meet you Mr. Edward Jones ." I said  . Josy took me to the far end of the cafe served ,me a cup of coffee and a plate of cookies and began talking . She told me that the man she met at prison had been released and that with the help of father Augustine he had gotten in contact with her . She told me that he was in search of his daughter and they were meant to meet in two days time to disclose information that would be needed to find his daughter . After two hours of constant talking and making up for the lost time I decided to leave Josy to rest. While walking home I saw the church building opened and walked right through the gate . If there was still one person I had to thank then that would be father Augustine .He helped me when I thought that the whole world was against me . When I got into the church room I listened to what he was preaching about which was something at the moment I needed to know . He was preaching about the need to let go .He said "Our past struggles can weigh heavily on our shoulders. When we refuse to let go of the past, it holds us back and prevents us from living in the moment. And from being who we really want to be.

According to Eckhart Tolle, people create and maintain problems because they give them a sense of identity.

Is it the fear of losing this identity that makes us hold onto a painful past for too long and prevents us from living in the present moment? Are we so attached to our struggles, because we don’t know how we would be without them? We spend too much of our precious time dwelling on the past. “I wish I could just erase that mistake.” “Why did that happen to me?” “I wish I’d made my own choices earlier.” But guess what, the past can not be changed but we can look forward and try to improve on the future .Your past has shaped you into the special and unique individual that you are today. Realizing this is a great first step to appreciating and embracing your own story. Nobody is perfect and we all carry a past with us. As the bible says in Isaiah 43:18 -19  “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!...." and in  Philippians 3:12; "but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” and also as Ephesians 4:31-32 say; "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Let us put the past behind us and forgive those who wronged is for forgiveness is the only way to move forward and by forgiving others the Lord too shall forgive you of your sins as said in  Matthew 6:15; "But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." After the Catholic father's preaching the choir proceeded to sing amazing grace a song sang by John Newton as well as what a beautiful name it is.

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me!

I once was lost, but now am found;

Was blind, but now I see.

’Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,

And grace my fears relieved;

How precious did that grace appear

The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares,

I have already come;

’Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,

And grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me,

His Word my hope secures;

He will my Shield and Portion be,

As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,

And mortal life shall cease,

I shall possess, within the veil,

A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,

The sun forbear to shine;

But God, who called me here below,

Will be forever mine.

When we’ve been there ten thousand years,

Bright shining as the sun,

We’ve no less days to sing God’s praise

Than when we’d first begun.

Verse 1

You were the Word at the beginning

One with God the Lord Most High

Your hidden glory in creation

Now revealed in You our Christ

Chorus 1

What a beautiful Name it is

What a beautiful Name it is

The Name of Jesus Christ my King

What a beautiful Name it is

Nothing compares to this

What a beautiful Name it is

The Name of Jesus

Verse 2

You didn’t want heaven without us

So Jesus You brought heaven down

My sin was great Your love was greater

What could separate us now

Chorus 2

What a wonderful Name it is

What a wonderful Name it is

The Name of Jesus Christ my King

What a wonderful Name it is

Nothing compares to this

What a wonderful Name it is

The Name of Jesus

What a wonderful Name it is

The Name of Jesus

Bridge

Death could not hold You

The veil tore before You

You silence the boast of sin and grave

The heavens are roaring

The praise of Your glory

For You are raised to life again

You have no rival

You have no equal

Now and forever God You reign

Yours is the kingdom

Yours is the glory

Yours is the Name above all names

Chorus 3

What a powerful Name it is

What a powerful Name it is

The Name of Jesus Christ my King

What a powerful Name it is

Nothing can stand against

What a powerful Name it is

The Name of Jesus

Tags

What a powerful Name it is The Name of Jesus

What a powerful Name it is The Name of Jesus

I dwelled over the words the Catholic father had said .It seemed that in this short moment he had managed to solve one of my problems . He had managed to help me understand the value of letting go and forgiving others and at this moment I was more than ready to meet my father . I wanted to forgive him for everything I held him responsible for , I wanted to free him of his guilt  . I wanted to let him know how I also feel and  how happy I am that he did not abandon us but he left for our safety . After the church service was over I walked over to the Catholic father to greet him and inform him of my arrival back in the country . He inquired how things went by over the span of my 6 years absence and also informed me of a middle aged man who always came to ask for information about me . He further   explained that the man had just been released from the jail where he normally went to preach and   had come to see him for shelter . He explained how miserable the man looked like one guilty of a crime which can not be forgiven . He said he spoke to the man and inquired the source of his misery and the explained to him in every detail from how he left his family to how he met Josy and again met the man whose daughter he had mistakenly killed ..  He was able to get into contact with Josy  with my help but now all he wants is to  find his only family left. The reason he is still alive ,the reason he choose to change ,the reason he stopped doing drugs ,his daughter his everything. He comes here after service everyday to search for you my dear.  After further information from him I found that his daughter and you have similar names so he comes here everyday to check if indeed you are the one and if I had been able to trace you. He left a necklace with me and said to show it to you if ever we meet again .He said you have the other part to this necklace. I fished into my bag and brought out the necklace mom had left for me and placed it in the hands of father Augustine . "Indeed this is a miracle the two part join perfectly ." He said . He gave both the necklace to me along with a paper with a number on it and said to call the number as it was my father's . I walked home thinking over everything . We live in a really small world turns out Josy knew my father all along and had even told me about him but I couldn't put the pieces together to realize it was him . From everything josy had told me over the past years to what father Augustine had told me today I realized I was more than ready to forgive him since I believe he is really a changed man. When I got home I thought of the perfect time to meet him and I found no better time than the day he was meant to meet Josy . I quickly spoke to Josy about everything and she agreed to help me meet my father . I walked into the cafe and scanned the area to find Josy and my dad. I was nervous about this meeting yesterday but after a phone call from Henry encouraging me I gathered courage . I spotted the two sitting at the far end with an extra chair placed near their table . With heavy steps I walked towards the table and took in the appearance of the man before me . He had similar hair and eye color like mine . He had prominent cheekbones and a long chin. He had dark circles beneath his eyes like he had not slept in days . He looked like a well built man despite his age . There were a few grey hairs round his temple .Indeed he looked miserable just like father Augustine said . I walked up to them and took a seat near them as I noticed my father looking at me strangely . What was I thinking? I thought . He had not seen me for close to 18 years and I expect him to talk friendly . I'm Riley Essah . I introduced myself . "Are you my daughter my baby girl who use to crawl with mischief and give heart warming smiles ?" He question at the verge of tears . "Yes I am.How is life treating you ? Where were you all those years when we needed you I understand you had to go for our safety but where did you stay at  after you left?  You know mom and brother they left me,they left this world . Dad there were days I spent blaming you for everything that had happened in my life . From losing mom and my brother to being kidnapped and then to ending up in a psychiatric hospital. There were days I attempted suicide thinking it was the best way to let go of the pain . You left for our safety and I always bad mouthed you . I'm sorry I thought you left our family and most importantly me your little girl . I kept on trying to hate you to a point I decided that I was never going to forgive you and I'm sorry. " I said . He held my hand as if confirming if I was really before him . I saw him examine my hand and he look into my tear filled eye with various emotions swimming through the pool of his eyes . "You really are my daughter . You've got the same mole I saw on your hand when you were younger. You look so grown now . I'm sorry I haven't been the best father . I'm sorry I left when you needed me the most . It's all my fault if not your mom and brother would be here . I'm sorry . words can't describe how I feel guilty about everything that has happened within the past 18 years . It's all because of my negligence . I should have checked the car . Because of my one mistake I've lost my entire family . I took to drugs as a way of trying to forget the past while in reality I was just causing more problems . If you could please find a place in your heart to forgive me  I will finally leave this earth a happy man. I have changed and would keep on trying to be a better person for you . " He said ." I forgive you father for as the bible says in Romans 12:17 "Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all." I am not all so righteous that I can't forgive a sinner like myself . I forgive you and hope the path of our future bring along happy memories. We spent several hours discussing events that happened when we were separated

                         I went home happy with my self ,glad that I made a decision I considered right for my self . God bless Josy for her constant support in my life . Not even once has she failed to hear me out and for that I know a reward awaits her in heaven . I quickly phoned Johan and told him about the joy I felt in my soul for taking another step forward and I later on replied to my messages some of which were from Henry . The kind hearted man had managed to steal a spot in my heart .He was the friend I could talk to at any hour of the day . This time I felf something more than friendship towards him. I believe I was in love. I couldn't spend a night without chatting with him

                        I look around me today after a year after meeting my father . This day is one every girl dreams of.  The day that she finally gets a different title . I had come a long way, from being a stranger to Henry to being a friend then on to being a girlfriend and finally a would be bride . They say good fortune does not last long but I believe it does depending on how it's kept . I looked into my dad's eye as he took my hands and walked me down the aisle into the arms of the man I love . "Take good care of her. She is all I have."He said gently to Henry before walking off .

          We are gathered here in the presence of God, family, and friends to unite Henry and Riley in holy matrimony. Marriage is an honorable estate, and is therefore not to be entered into lightly, but reverently, advisedly, soberly, and with God’s blessing. Today, they will receive God’s greatest gift; another person to share with, grow with, change with, be joyful with, and to stand with as one when trials and tribulations enter their lives. It is fitting, therefore, that we should on this occasion begin by asking for God’s blessing on this marriage. Let us pray.

Heavenly Father, we gather to celebrate your gift of love, and its presence among us. We rejoice that these two people have chosen to commit themselves to a life of loving faithfulness to one another. We praise you, Lord, for the ways you have touched our lives with loving relationships such as Henry and Riley's, and we give thanks for the special love and friendship you have put in their hearts. Renew within us an affectionate and loving spirit.

Enrich our lives with the gracious gift of your love so that we may embrace others with that same love. May our participation in this celebration of love and commitment, give to us a new joy and responsiveness to the relationships that we cherish. In your loving arms, we pray, Amen.

You may all be seated.

Marriage is a joyous occasion. It is connected in our thoughts with the charm of love, the warmth of home, and with all that is pleasant, as being one of the most important events of our lives. Its sacredness and unity is the most significant and binding covenant known in human relations.

Henry and Riley let me charge you both to remember that your future happiness is to be in mutual consideration, patience, kindness, confidence, and affection. It is the duty of each of you to find your greatest joy in the company of the other; to remember that your love pledged today must remain undivided for a lifetime.

It is your duty, Henry ,to be to Riley , a considerate, tender, faithful, and loving husband: to support, guide and cherish her in prosperity and trouble; to thoughtfully and carefully enlarge the place she holds in your life; to constantly show to her the tokens of your affection, to shelter her from danger, and to love her with an unchangeable love.

It is your duty, Riley , to be to Henry , a considerate, tender, faithful, and loving wife; to comfort, guide and cherish him in prosperity and trouble; to give to him the unfailing pieces of evidence of your affection; and to continue making the place he holds in your heart, broader and deeper; to support him, value him and work with him to make your marriage the very best that it can be.

I call your attention to the seriousness of the decision which you have made and the covenant you are about to declare before God. The vows you are about to take care not to be taken without careful thought, for in them you are committing yourselves exclusively to one another for as long as you both shall live.If you are ready to assume the obligations and duties before God, as I have defined them, you will unite your hands and pledge your love and your lives to each other.

Groom, repeat after me.

I Henry , take you, Riley , to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live. This is my solemn vow.

Now Bride, please repeat after me.

I Riley , take you, Henry to be my husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for as long as we both shall live. This is my solemn vow.

You will now exchange rings as a symbol of the lifelong commitment and abiding love which you as husband and wife have promised to each other.

Groom, please place the ring on Rileys finger, and repeat after me.

I give you this ring as a sign of my love and faithfulness.

And Bride, please place the ring on Henry’s finger and repeat after me.

I give you this ring as a sign of my love and faithfulness.

Eternal God, help Henry and Riley to fulfill the promises they have made here today and to reflect your steadfast love in their commitment to each other. Give them kindness and patience, affection and understanding, happiness, and contentment. May their family and friends continue to support them in difficult days, so that their love for each other may continue to grow as long as they both shall live.

Let us all pray.

Our Father, who art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name,

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On Earth, as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us,

And lead us not into temptation,

but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom,

And the power, and the glory,

Forever and ever.

Amen.

Henry and Riley having witnessed your vows for marriage before God and all who are assembled here, by the authority invested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride!

It is my pleasure to introduce you to you for the first time as Mr and Mrs Smith.

                     After the wedding ceremony my dad came up to me and said some heart touching words . He said " if there is one advise your mom would have given you today it would be the same as your grandma told her during her wedding.  Being married  you open up to new experiences since you would be seeing your spouse more than any other person in your life . Now that you are married you'll be witnessing your best and ugliest moments together. Remember you made a promise to be together for better or for worst  or even in sickness and health. Our homes will always be opened to you but that does not mean you will rush home when ever you have a problem . I wish you all the best in your new life ." After dad finished speaking to me I went to a room to change for my wedding reception . As we stood to cut the cake  a thousand years by  Christiana Perri began to play .

"A Thousand Years"

Heart beats fast

Colours and promises

How to be brave?

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall?

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt

Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath

Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more.

After the song ended marry you by Bruno Mars started playing . We grouped around and began dancing like there was no tomorrow.

It's a beautiful night,

We're looking for something dumb to do.

Hey baby,

I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,

Or is it this dancing juice?

Who cares baby,

I think I wanna marry you.

Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go,

No one will know,

Come on girl.

Who cares if we're trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow,

Shots of patron,

And it's on girl.

Don't say no, no, no, no-no;

Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;

And we'll go, go, go, go-go.

If you're ready, like I'm ready.

Cause it's a beautiful night,

We're looking for something dumb to do.

Hey baby,

I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,

Or is it this dancing juice?

Who cares baby,

I think I wanna marry you.

I'll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,

So whatcha wanna do?

Let's just run girl.

If we wake up and you wanna break up that's cool.

No, I won't blame you;

It was fun girl.

Don't say no, no, no, no-no;

Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;

And we'll go, go, go, go-go.

If you're ready, like I'm ready.

Cause it's a beautiful night,

We're looking for something dumb to do.

Hey baby,

I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,

Or is it this dancing juice?

Who cares baby,

I think I wanna marry you.

Just say I do,

Tell me right now baby,

Tell me right now baby. x2

Cause it's a beautiful night,

We're looking for something dumb to do.

Hey baby,

I think I wanna marry you.

Is it the look in your eyes,

Or is it this dancing juice?

Who cares baby,

I think I wanna marry you.

I looked around me . Life is really funny the person who should be here with me today is no more but she put so many people in my life to fill out the space she left . I saw a familiar face flash before me . It was that of James Panga . He waved at me but I was too shocked to reply. I stared at him as he moved over to greet my dad .They spoke for a moment and he quietly kept on moving towards the exit .

                

                                  My life is doing great even after being married for two year . Well being married doesn't mean your life will be showered with roses. There are up's and down's. It just depends on how you handle such situations . Today being the 25 of December my step mom has organised a Christmas dinner just like every year just that this year is going to be something special with the news I have . I walked hand on hand with Henry to mom's garden where I saw so many dishes arranged in a circular motion on the table . I saw my brother talking with mom holding hands with  his son like the proud father he is and  his wife standing beside him. From my left view I  saw Josy and her twins and husband taking pictures and laughing near the garden . I saw Johan with his lovely girlfriend pacing around trying to catch his niece Irene who was running around in circles . I saw my dad sitting and talking to James Panga the man I had long forgiven. A woman came up to hug me and I realise it was none other than aunty Lydia . The woman I had made friends with at the psychiatric hospital . She was released from the ward a year ago and had come to peace with her children . I looked at the seat at the long table as I watched each guest fill a spot on the table as we took our meal and thought back and revisited the memories of yesterday . I'm glad for everything that took place in my life I'm glad for every person I met and for every one I lost . I guess God really planned my future well. Although at the start of it all I experienced bitter moments the rainbow finally came after the storm. I took a spoon and clicked it on the wine glass I had in my hand to gain their attention . I have something to say I said . Well the thing is there is a bun in the oven . Henry and I are expecting our first child . I heard the chorus of laughter and witnessed the smile on each person's face . No matter what the future holds I know now that God has already planned it and in due time it will blossom cause this really is my story . The story of what lies beneath the scars of a girl. Some memories are hard to let go of like to one that keeps repeating in my head , memories of when my two most precious jewels were given life . I quite remember ,  I stood at the balcony of our home watching the stars in the mid night sky . Sleep was far from me with  the thoughts on my mind . I wondered if I would be a good mother . If I would be able to give the love my twins needed to them. I was scared . Scared that I won't be what they needed . Being in my last week of pregnancy I had become an emotional wreck. I placed my hand on my bloated tummy feeling some contractions. I felt a hand on my shoulders and I turned and melted in his embrace . Henry had always being there for me even at times I feared I won't be a good mother . He was my strength so far . Throughout these nine months he had tolerated my mood swings without a single complaint . Even at night time when I craved strange things he found ways and means to get it for me. He even stocked the freezer with lots of strawberry yogurt just because I mostly craved for it at night . Honestly , if I was asked to choose a partner again I would choose him a zillion times  . I looked up into his sleepy eyes as he asked me why I wasn't in bed at this time. He didn't even wait for my reply before walking me to bed and laying beside me . I felt another contraction the pain slightly intense . I tapped Henry slightly as he sprang up asking what's wrong  . I felt water slid down my leg and I screamed for Henry to grab the baby bags as my water broke. I watched the confused looking guy rush out to the  back of the door to grab the  baby bags as he came back near me and carried me into the car .In his confusion he forgot to take his car keys and rushed to go and bring it .  Throughout the ride to the hospital Henry kept reminding me to take deep breaths . After ten minutes we arrived at the hospital and I was whisked immediately to the labour room . "Relax your legs!” “Grab your legs behind your knees!” “Bear down while holding your breath!” “Okay good, but this time hold your breath!” “Let your legs relax!” It was the same set of instructions they kept repeating , but caught in the moment it was just too much to process. Next time perhaps I will repeat these to myself in the days leading up to labor! . After the first or second pushing session they said they could see the top of her head, and I felt it. The doctor told me that  I could probably have the baby in the next one push or two.I saw the tears and anxiety in Henry's eyes as he watched me . I could tell he was scared since  one out of two ladies die during labour  , I knew I had to give my all for him and my twins .“She’s coming out!” They said.“I know, I can feel her. I know.” I knew when she had left my body, and I strained for a look. It was 7:44, less than half an hour since we arrived at the hospital. She wasn’t crying, and it seemed like ages before they passed her up to me. I’m sure it wasn’t that long, though cause she was later passed to the nurses as I repeated my actions  . " It's another girl ." They said . The doctor waited for the cord to stop pulsing before she cut it, and a nurse was wiping their faces or something, I think. I was patient, and then next thing I knew I had them. They were so precious and perfect, and I was so happy I’d gone through all this .  " Who would have thought one day I would be the midwife of doctor Riley it really is an honour ." The younger nurse said. I laughed at that as I felt Henry stroke my hair . I felt like holding my babies , so I did. I held lily close to my chest as the nurse guided Henry on how to hold Vivian.Eventually they took them to the other side of the room for evaluation, and Henry went with them .  I just laid back and rested . I knew the rest could be handled by Henry . I was taken out of the labour room and placed in a ward room . My mom , brother, Josy and so many other relatives came over to visit me and my new bundle of joy . I saw Henry holding Lily as he passed me a smile with pride in his eyes . I saw love and so many other emotions swim in his eyes . He is the reason for all this . He is the reason I feel so complete. It's safe to say he is my own heaven, my happy place. "Congratulations" Josy said as she came closer to me . "Any names yet ? " My brother asked . I would like to introduce you to Lily Smith and Vivian Smith . I said . " Lily and Vivian it is , I love it ." Mom said . Dad walked over to Josy who was holding Vivian and said , "welcome Lily and Vivian you are going to be so loved ." Everyone left after a few minutes and I was left with Henry. He pleaded with me to take rest and thanked me for making him the happiest man alive but what he didn't know is he made me the happiest woman alive . I was discharged later on in the evening all I needed to do was to come back in a few days to check the girls and ensure they are okay  .  My eyes opened to the sound of kids crying. " Bloody murder." Henry muttered. Henry rolled off his back. " I think they are hungry ." He said and I nodded .  Having not slept enough these past few days and staying awake throughout the night was really taking a troll on me . Henry picked Lily up and moved her gently from side to side while I took Vivian . It took less than a minute for lily to go quiet again while Vivian was still crying. They were really going to be daddy's girls . I tilted my head to Henry as I didn't know what to do . I felt like I was not a good mother for them but this is my first time being a mom there are certain things I'm not use to. " Does it mean they are not hungry ?" I asked Henry . Henry shook his head " How am I supposed to know ? " He whispered. You're their father." I simply said." And you are their mother." he retorted. " I'm not good with the baby thing, I'm now learning." I said with my head hung low . Henry smiled and said " Go and rest, hun. I'll make sure she's okay and with that he put Lily back in bed and took Vivian. I went back to bed as Henry walked out of the bedroom with Vivian .  Even after being told to sleep I could not sleep . I kept on tossing and turning . Today was the day set for their naming ceremony . I just couldn't wait . I helped them arrange the gold coloured balloons as I watched time flew and the program begin . Lilly and Vivian were dressed in white attaires that looked so cute on them . In all honesty I was glad to have them .

Good morning everyone. On behalf of Riley and Henry  I would like to welcome you all to crystal pearl.  We are all here today to celebrate the naming of Lily and Vivian.

My name is Jessica and I have the pleasure of conducting this ceremony, which will have special significance for you all.  In particular for Lily and Vivian's  parents and supporting adults and grandparents, as they make their promises to care for Lily and Vivian throughout the rest of their lives.

The ceremonial naming of a child has a long tradition, it establishes their identity, and is celebrated in different cultures and religions throughout the world.

For you all as members and friends of this family, this ceremony is an opportunity to think about this childs future and to consider ways in which your relationship with them  can provide the love and respect that will strengthen their character.

Each child has a need to be part of a group of loving and supportive people to nurture their growth and development.  This provides them with emotional and practical guidance bound together with love, friendship and respect.

And each of you here today make up part of that special group with whom Lily and Vivian as well as Riley and Henry  will celebrate lifes special moments, and also to whom they turn in times of need.

The name we are given by our parents establishes us as an individual within the family and provides the foundation of our identity in the wider community.  No wonder then that such care is taken in the choice of a name.

Please confirm the name you have given to this child:

Lily Marian  Smith and Vivian  Jenna Smith I said .

Ladies and Gentlemen, family and friends, I give you Lily Marian  Smith and Vivian  Jenna Smith.

Lily and Vivian you are welcomed today by the family and friends gathered here in your honour and as a member of the wider community in which you will take your place. May you be proud of the name you have just ceremoniously received, as your family and friends are sure to be proud of you in the years to come.

Riley and Henry I am not only asking you to welcome Lily and Vivian by name into your family today but also to pledge your commitment to him/her in order that he/she will have a rich and full life as he/she grows towards adulthood. 

I will now ask Riley and Henry to make their personal promises to their child.

I silently  said my promise as Henry and I said an I promise

Riley and Henry do you promise Lily and Vivian a childhood of love, happiness, patience and understanding; sheltering them, and protecting them from harm for as long as they need you?

"Yes we do " we said in unison

Riley and Henry do you promise to love Lily and Vivian without condition, to support them without judgement, respecting them as an individual,  so that they may grow into  honest, responsible, caring and confident adults?

"Yes we do "

Riley and Henry do you promise to guide and stimulate their learning and development, and to give support and encouragement so that Lily and Vivian  may fulfil their  potential in life?

"Yes we do "

In our complex world, even the most loving and capable parents benefit from help in raising their children. It is therefore very reassuring to know that family and friends will also be around to offer their assistance.

Riley and Henry have chosen Jessica and Josy to play a special role in the life of their children.

Jessica and Josy  do you promise to be there for Riley and Henry so that they can turn to you for reassurance, help and support?

" We promise" they said

Jessica and Josy do you promise to offer Lily and Vivian  your friendship, to encourage their endeavours and celebrate their progress and achievements?

"We promise" they said

Jessica and Josy do  you promise to carefully watch over Lily and Vivian , and to be always ready to give comfort and guidance whatever life may bring?

" Yes ,we do " they said

Ladies and Gentlemen, a round of applause for Lily and Vivian,  Riley and Henryand Jessica and Josy

I would now like to invite parents and supporting adults to sign the commemorative certificate.

I together with  Henry, Jessica and Josy went and signed the certificate

Those of you here today are all especially important to Lily and Vivian, you will be part of their world, and they will look amongst you for leadership and companionship, for support and to be cherished. By watching you they will learn how life works.

I am sure that the welcome and support that you have pledged will be lasting and that you will love and care for Lily and Vivian throughout their life; and that they in turn will bring ever-increasing joy and gladness to your lives. 

I believe that it has meant a great deal to Riley and Henry that you have all been here to share this happy occasion.  Thank you all for coming and have a wonderful celebration.

The program began and ended just as planned and I sure would never forget this day . I remember  their first steps , theirs first words  their elementary school days , middle school , junior high school , senior high school , college and  now . I remember their sixteenth birthday gift , the letter I wrote . I really hope they understood every word written and I hope they always remember it like I do  cause it would send them far in life  . I remember writing "Life isn’t fair. Sweet girls, I love you so, but life sure does have curve balls. Just remember momma said there’d be days like this. If I could keep you little forever, I’d bottle you up and hold your heart so that nobody could hurt it. If I teach you anything, I want you to learn how to have mental toughness and grit. Overwhelming feelings may come, but know that they will also leave. And I’m here for you every step of the way.

People aren’t always going to like you. Oh, if I had a penny for every time I heard this… I’d be a wealthy woman! To tell you the truth, girls, I’ve always struggled with this. Until I became a mother, I didn’t realize how silly it is to care that much about what other people think. Just know that people aren’t always going to like you. If you did something to harm them, please apologize. However, sometimes there’s nothing you can say or do.

Your mother is here to help you. The day I dread most is when you two  decide you don’t need me anymore. I had this realization the other day, actually, when you didn’t want my help putting on your shoes. I know there are many things you can do on your own. But know this — I am here. I will always be.

God gave you each other for a reason. Have each other’s backs please. You’re family. I already have the realization (I have a lot of those, by the way) that you probably won’t both want to do the same activity or sport. And that’s fine. But if you do- -please love each other through the mistakes. I mean, what if you both decide to try out for the soccer team? What if one of you makes it and one of you doesn’t? Ugh. It’s almost too much for me to bear thinking about. I pray that you always feel for each other, though. Because sometimes it may seem that all you have is each other. Be on the same team.

Make memories with each other. You don’t have to be alike. People will sometimes think you’re the same because you’re twins. Take that and run with it. Make memories with each other–however similar or different you are! You are so uniquely made.

Stay humble. Stay kind. In a world full of news that is almost too much to bear sometimes, know that you’ve been given gifts to share with the world. Your gifts are meant to share, yes, but also know that those gifts can be taken away easily. Be humble if people praise your gifts. Stay kind no matter what. Being able to do these things, themselves, are gifts. Remember, you never know when someone needs your smile or your words or your kind act of service or your hug.

Social Media is only the perception of what others want you to see. Girlfriends, don’t get it twisted. I’m not even certain what social media will look like when you’re 49 and want to get on F******k or I*******m or Twitter. HA! Just kidding. You wont’ be 49, you’ll be 50! But seriously. The things you see on there are merely perceptions. It’s a highlight reel of people’s lives. It’s often times not reality. I pray you have the discernment to see that when that time {gulp} comes around.

Words do 1 of 2 things: give life OR give death. I mentioned having gifts before. You will discover what those are. But what I want you to know about words is this: words can hurt and cut very deep. Words can’t be taken back–and often words are what scar people so deeply. Be careful with your words. I’m not a pro at this, by the way. There are many things I’ve said and done that I’m not proud of. And when and if this happens, apologize if you can. Most importantly, forgive yourself and move on. A life spent looking backwards misses all the beauty that lies in front of it.

Your parents aren’t perfect. You might have realize this. But you’re pretty darn smart. So, like I said before, we have to forgive ourselves or the coulda, woulda, shoulda, fear and anxiety will creep into a crack of our weaknesses, and overcome us. Please know we’re not perfect, and we will never claim to be. Our personal journeys have stories to tell. THAT’S for sure. When it comes time for stories, though, talk to me first… because chances are your father’s are going to be inappropriate. HA!

You only get one life. Follow your dreams. NEVER APOLOGIZE for setting a goal and coming up with a plan to achieve it. I will help you. I promise. If I’ve learned anything in life, it’s that we only get one. Life is short. And no matter how hard you try to soak in each day, today is the only day that’s promised. Yesterday is for memories and learning. And tomorrow is never promised. Don’t live in fear, sweet girls. Fear is a liar that will steal your joy. So live each day with love for others, love for yourself, and faith in something bigger than yourself.

Dream big, daughters of mine. Momma loves you."                              I look around me  now with a proud look on my face . Looking at my grown up 19 year old kids together with me preparing a cake for their fathers birthday. The years have passed on soo soon and so have the kids . I miss their youthful days . I miss them running around , fighting with one another. Asking who is older and who is younger . Time flew by too soon . I heard the door bell ring as we placed  the cake on the arranged table and turned off the lights. Vivian went ahead and opened the door as I heard Henry and her exchange greetings . As soon as he stepped nearer to the table we flickered the light on as we began singing the happy birthday song we had made up for him and led him to the dinning table. " Happy birthday love ." I said . We blew the candle and cut the cake after which the twins insisted we dance to celebrate. We heard thinking out loud blast through the speakers as we held hands, forgetting the twins being there , looking into each other's eyes and dancing with the rhythm.

"Thinking Out Loud"

When your legs don't work like they used to before

And I can't sweep you off of your feet

Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?

Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70

And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23

And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

Maybe just the touch of a hand

Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day

And I just wanna tell you I am

So, honey, now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Place your head on my beating heart

I'm thinking out loud

Maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades

And the crowds don't remember my name

When my hands don't play the strings the same way (mmm...)

I know you will still love me the same

'Cause, honey, your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen

And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory

I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

Maybe it's all part of a plan

Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes

Hoping that you'll understand

That, baby, now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Place your head on my beating heart

Thinking out loud

Maybe we found love right where we are (oh, oh)

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, lo-ud

So, baby, now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart

I'm thinking out loud

But maybe we found love right where we are

Oh, baby, we found love right where we are

And we found love right where we are.

" I love you" I said . " I love you too" he replied .

"Thinking Out Loud"

When your legs don't work like they used to before

And I can't sweep you off of your feet

Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?

Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70

And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23

And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

Maybe just the touch of a hand

Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day

And I just wanna tell you I am

So, honey, now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Place your head on my beating heart

I'm thinking out loud

Maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades

And the crowds don't remember my name

When my hands don't play the strings the same way (mmm...)

I know you will still love me the same

'Cause, honey, your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen

And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory

I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

Maybe it's all part of a plan

Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes

Hoping that you'll understand

That, baby, now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Place your head on my beating heart

Thinking out loud

Maybe we found love right where we are (oh, oh)

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, lo-ud

So, baby, now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart

I'm thinking out loud

But maybe we found love right where we are

Oh, baby, we found love right where we are

And we found love right where we are.

" So mom how did you and dad's love story begin ?" Lily asked

" Even I don't know when or how it happened . Maybe it might have been the day he spoke those words to me or the way he stood by me and helped me though my rough times like a good friend would but what I do know is I love your dad and will never allow him to go." I said .

" I love you too ." Henry said

"Aww that so sweet " the girls said .

"Endless Love"

My love

There's only you in my life

The only thing that's bright

My first love

You're every breath that I take

You're every step I make

And I

(I-I-I-I-I)

I want to share

All my love with you

No one else will do...

And your eyes

Your eyes, your eyes

They tell me how much you care

Ooh yes, you will always be

My endless love

Two hearts

Two hearts that beat as one

Our lives have just begun

Forever

(Ohhhhhh)

I'll hold you close in my arms

I can't resist your charms

And love

Oh, love

I'll be a fool

For you

I'm sure

You know I don't mind

Oh, you know I don't mind

'Cause you

You mean the world to me

Oh

I know

I know

I've found in you

My endless love

Oooh-woow

Boom, boom

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom

Oooh, and love

Oh, love

I'll be that fool

For you

I'm sure

You know I don't mind

Oh you know

I don't mind

And, yes

You'll be the only one

'Cause no one can deny

This love I have inside

And I'll give it all to you

My love

My love, my love

My endless love

Maybe this is my safe heaven . My own family to love and care for . Just like how wet paper can dry but will never be the same , such is life . Certain imprint leaves lessons for us . Lessons that make us who we are . I'm glad I met all the people I have met in my life . I'm glad that I went though everything I went through cause maybe if I hadn't I wouldn't have all I have today . What ever the future holds I'll uphold it cause I know with God nothing is impossible and in due time all will blossom.  For now I'll just stick around till the lord sends for me and I account for everything I came to do on earth.

"All Of Me" by John legend

What would I do without your smart mouth?

Drawin' me in and you kickin' me out

You've got my head spinnin', no kiddin'

I can't pin you down

What's goin' on in that beautiful mind?

I'm on your magical mystery ride

And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me

But I'll be alright

My head's under water, but I'm breathing fine

You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

'Cause all of me

Loves all of you

Love your curves and all your edges

All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me

I'll give my all to you

You're my end and my beginnin'

Even when I lose, I'm winnin'

'Cause I give you all of me

And you give me all of you, oh-oh

How many times do I have to tell you?

Even when you're crying, you're beautiful too

The world is beating you down, I'm around

Through every mood

You're my downfall, you're my muse

My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues

I can't stop singing, it's ringing

In my head for you

My head's under water, but I'm breathin' fine

You're crazy and I'm out of my mind

'Cause all of me

Loves all of you

Love your curves and all your edges

All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me

I'll give my all to you

You're my end and my beginnin'

Even when I lose, I'm winnin'

'Cause I give you all of me

And you give me all of you, oh-oh

Give me all of you, oh

Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts

Risking it all, though it's hard

'Cause all of me

Loves all of you

Love your curves and all your edges

All your perfect imperfections

Give your all to me

I'll give my all to you

You're my end and my beginnin'

Even when I lose, I'm winnin'

'Cause I give you all of me

And you give me all of you

I give you all of me

And you give me all of you, oh-oh.

When your legs don't work like they used to before

And I can't sweep you off of your feet

Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?

Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

And, darling, I will be loving you 'til we're 70

And, baby, my heart could still fall as hard at 23

And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

Maybe just the touch of a hand

Well, me—I fall in love with you every single day

And I just wanna tell you I am

So, honey, now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Place your head on my beating heart

I'm thinking out loud

Maybe we found love right where we are

When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades

And the crowds don't remember my name

When my hands don't play the strings the same way (mmm...)

I know you will still love me the same

'Cause, honey, your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen

And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory

I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

Maybe it's all part of a plan

Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes

Hoping that you'll understand

That, baby, now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Place your head on my beating heart

Thinking out loud

Maybe we found love right where we are (oh, oh)

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, lo-ud

So, baby, now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Oh, darling, place your head on my beating heart

I'm thinking out loud

But maybe we found love right where we are

Oh, baby, we found love right where we are

And we found love right where we are.