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179
“Hmmm. I don’t know, Emma, am I? The woman I want a life with tells me she doesn’t actually fucking want it with me.” His anger rises at the closure of his sentence, his husky voice turning more to a growl. Deathly venom lacing his tone. That stubborn, impulsive, logic clouding his normally quick brain.
“I never said that … I said not yet, there’s an enormous difference.” My resolve is crumbling and some sort of weary feebleness creeping over me. I was used to Jake’s crazy violent temper when I was his PA, but I’ve never seen it as his lover. Right now, I don’t know how to react or calm him.
“Why not yet? I know how I feel already. If you don’t feel the same way after everything, then I doubt you ever will.” He slams his case shut and yanks it toward him to zip it up. The strength in the way he savages it is almost enough to snap it off.
He’s being impossible,
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Sarah isn’t home when I let myself into the apartment carrying my case. I let Jefferson go, assuring him I can manage and despite his fatherly protests, he is finally gone. I still have a key to the apartment and want nothing more than the coziness of the couch and throws and space to mull over Jake’s asshole attitude.I text Sarah informing her of my arrival, so she won’t be surprised when she gets home but my heart sinks at her response. Marcus has taken her to Florida for a few days to meet his family and she only left this morning. She tells me to help myself to the freezer contents and to call her later. My heart aches but I don’t tell her why I’m here.Meeting the family equals seriousness. It signals forever!Maybe Sarah and Marcus are really making a go of it this time, the thought bothers me, but not as much as it did before. I’m lost now that my stability isn’t here to lift my chin and help me get thro
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“Joey’s … An old friend from Queens.” I know how stupid his reaction to the bear was the first time he ‘met’ him, whether it was in jest or not, it highlighted Jake has a severe jealous side and would probably miss the name of the bear. I hope it makes him suffer in the way he’s making me suffer right now. I hang up just as he explodes. Silencing the onslaught of Carrero abuse and craziness. I stand trying to calm the panic surging through me, my body shaking violently and my nerves trembling. Weak and hysterical, my heart pounding through my chest. I know everything is falling apart around me. My world is crumbling.I jump as my phone rings and his number flashes across my screen, but I red button him in defiance. He wanted to be an asshole and now he suddenly wants to talk. I reject button him a second time when it rings again.ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!!!! The text beeps on almost as soon as I lay it face down
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“Emma … I want you to know how much I love you … I mean really love you … There’s no one else in this world for me. I need you …” He gets up and paces around for a moment, making me feel sick with worry but relieved that this isn’t a breakup speech. He comes back to his previous position and swallows hard. “Last night, when I thought you’d done something, after the talk about not wanting to marry me and pretty much breaking up … It fucked me up in the head.” His eyes are focused on my hands and I can see they are filled with unshed tears; he can’t look at me. “None of this changes how I feel about you … I need you to know that I still love you every bit as much as I did, I still want the same things with you, and I acted like a complete fucking idiot at the airport … I believe you when you text me that nothing happened. I wish I had the sense to realize it last night, but I was so
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I’m lying in a heap on the bed, numb from endless sobbing and wracking pain. I don’t know how long I’ve been lying listening to my own blood rush through my head as my heart self-implodes inside my body. I’m nothing but a shell, a quiet empty shell of exhaustion and heartache, rumpled beyond recognition.I lashed out, hit at him, and shoved him away with every ounce of strength I possessed, yet still he tried to cling to me.My Jake, my body, and soul. Now the destroyer of everything that I was. I told him not to touch me, to never touch me again, to leave, and to go away. I screamed and cried and fell to pieces on the floor at his feet. His words tumbling around me like noise that I couldn’t understand, so consumed by my grief. It’s only when I whimpered and begged that he leave me alone he finally listened; moving away so I could find my way to my feet, running into the solitude of this room … our room. His
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“I think it’s best if I go as soon as I can get myself together.” I don’t think that’s possible right now, my body is detached and useless, barely wanting to move, let alone get up. My heart is aching so heavily it throbs through my chest and stomach. I feel sick with all of it. My head is light and swimming with the effort of trying to breathe. My nose is blocked from crying and my throat is raw and raspy.“I can’t … I can’t, Emma!” His voice suddenly turns powerful, tugging me to him in a flash and I yelp in surprise. He buries his face into my hair, crushing me in his embrace letting out the pain he’s been holding back. I never in my life thought I would see Jake cry and it’s the most awful thing I’ve ever witnessed. My heart is broken in two. It has the same effect as watching everyone I love cut down and murdered while I lie useless and watch.I sob into his body in reaction, trying des
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I’m a little saner from the harsh jets of hot water drilling into my skull, distracting me from my own reality, and stand that way until my legs go numb, like a mindless drone on autopilot.I dress in fresh clothes and brush out my hair before moving to unpack my things into the empty wardrobe.The doorbell ringing snaps my focus around, and I hesitate, stomach lurching in panic. Sarah won’t be back for a few days and I’m not expecting anyone I can think of. Experiencing a moment of fear as my gut tells me it might be him, that maybe he doesn’t want to give me space to think, but I can’t see him so soon. My insides go weak, turning to liquid mush, my legs become rubber, and hands start sweating. I’m close to fainting when sense steps in.Wait! My brain snaps into focus, telling me it’ll be Mathews with m
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I spend the next several days locked in my own solitude, leaving only to buy groceries then returning home. I’ve mindlessly sat through so many hours of daytime TV and horrible romantic movies that make me want to throw books at the screen. Sarah should be back soon, and I don’t want her to see what I’ve become; some slobbish, tear-stained, mess of a girl who’s been living in a sea of junk food, chocolate wrappers, and screwed up tissues.Classy look, Emma; really holding yourself together, aren’t you? After a much-needed pep talk and a long agonizinglook in the mirror I am finally so sick of my depressive mood and disgusting behavior. I force myself to get up and stop moping around like a broken-heartedzombie, doing anything to stop mulling it over in my brain.I busy myself with cleaning the apartment, wiping away hours of lying around sobbing into tissues eating carbs; the endless sea of clothes on my floor
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“Emma, I believe he’s the one for you, mistakes aside. I truly believe you’ll never find another love or happiness in the way you found it with him. He seems to know what you need, almost instinctively, and he gives you it. He understands you. You have no idea how rare that is.” She tightens her grasp on my hand and gazes at me fondly. Those tropical blue eyes twinkling with love. “You changed someone like him, Emma, he changed you, you have no idea how huge that is. I don’t think he’ll ever look anywhere else again if you give him another chance, no, in fact I know he won’t.”“I can’t just push aside what he did.” I sigh.“But you can learn to forgive him, and you can only do that by talking to him and seeing what happens next.” She strokes back my hair from my face wiping away some of the wetness on my cheek. “You can’t wallow in here and hide away forever.”&
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