Self preservation

8 years ago...

    "She has no sense of self preservation. Distortion of her instincts brought on by past trauma. In a sense it may be a form of self preservation in of itself. Her lack of in turn protects her from fear and she searches for new ways to feel." My school counselor tells my foster mother as I sit on a bench waiting nearby. "What can we do? She is wild. She climbed a four story roof yesterday and was found standing out on the very edge. I'm afraid-I'm afraid she will hurt herself. Who will be held liable? I," she pauses and looks at me. "I have other fosters to care for." Whispers my guardian. 

    "Therapy will help. I'm going to give you the number of  a child psychologist. He is a good friend of mine and I think if we work in tandem we will see the best results. I do not want to put your expectations too high. Her instincts may not change, but we can try to instill boundaries. Twice a week visits for each of us. As for today, I would like to speak to Alma alone for a little while."

    I come to sit in the velvet chair opposite my counselor, Mrs. Stork. Her room is decorated brightly with gifts from past students, fidget spinners, an abacus-all distractions. They are all ways to persuade children to feel comfortable in her presence. I didn't need persuading. I fiddle with the abacus pushing the beads back and forth. I wonder how many children have sat in this chair before me? I ask and she answers, "hundreds." As I thought. 

    "Tell me Alma. How do you feel when you are on these adrenaline kicks? What fuels you?" I think for a moment before speaking. I can't quite guess at it myself. It's a number of mixed emotions really. "All I know is that I feel alive when I'm out on a ledge. When I'm high above the ground and I feel no one can reach me. I feel on top of the world. I love the challenge it brings. I love how one mistake can make me or break me. It feels like it's all or nothing." 

    "So you do not fear consequences-like death or injury?" She replies. I give her my quick answer and it is the truth. "I am aware of the consequences and possible dangers. I'm just not afraid of them. I'd rather die feeling alive than living years with no feeling. I've felt numb, almost nothing for a long time it feels. I know that my foster mother is afraid of her own consequences, I know she doesn't want to get in trouble if something happens to me. You'll help if it comes to that won't you? Don't let her get in trouble because of me."