Shame is Poison

Luciana's Point of View

Shame settled into my bones, like lead that weighed me down until I could barely follow Mikaela out into the hallway. They were right. All of them. I had pushed Katharine too far and I knew it. She might have been my daughter and I wanted nothing but the best for her but pushing her until her breaking point had been a stupid mistake. One I would never make again. I wanted nothing but the best for my daughter. The best and brightest future possible, but Julian had been right in being so angry. Maybe I had acted like Adrian today.

Mikaela’s footsteps echoed down the hall as I tried to catch up to her. Her sniffling bounced off my eardrums and I couldn’t help but feel worse. I had caused all of them such unrelenting pain over the last few years. From being kidnapped, to never being home afterwards. I bit the inside of my cheek and sped up my pace. Mikaela had taken a left turn, into a lounge area we barely used. Her sniffling had grown into sobs and I bit down on my teeth, but followed her inside.

There was no denying that my mate looked as beautiful as ever. She had opted to grow out her natural hair colour, an ash brown with golden sun streaks in them. Her eyes were as icy as ever, but her mole stood out against the red blotches on her cheeks. Katharine had kicked Mikaela out of her room, all for me. Being a parent was difficult enough as it was but throw in supernatural abilities and it grew to be an impossible task.

“Stop following me. I don’t have anything to say to you.” Mikaela ground out, pain slipping between the spaces of her words. She clutched at her stomach, bowing slightly over her legs. The couch she sat on was riddled with dust but didn’t seem to bother her in the slightest.

“I just want to apologize.” I offered up but Mikaela shook her head in response. She wasn’t going to make this any easier. Even if I felt like a dog being kicked, it wasn’t about me anymore. For the first few years, Mikaela had raised Katharine in my absence. The two were cut from the exact same cloth and no one could separate them. Not even I could. Then I had returned, Katharine had brought me back from death and suddenly Mikaela wasn’t her number one anymore. I had neglected Katharine and Mikaela hadn’t, but the girl still chose me.

“I don’t need your apology. I don’t fucking want it! What you did to her was unnecessary. You went out of your way to antagonize her!”

“I was trying to make sure she is ready! We want to retire, to become normal people, or slightly more normal. Julian is tired, I am tired. I wanted to know that we could leave it all in her hands.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t, Luciana! Julian is right. She isn’t stable enough for it and we don’t know when she will be stable enough for it. Elijah- “

“Elijah isn’t an Archenbow, no matter how dearly I love him. No matter how dearly I love all our children. They don’t have my blood in their veins and you know what the prophecy needs. My bloodline on the throne. For some fucking warped reason, my daughter needs to be up there. If I could have it any other way, I would gladly replace her, but that isn’t an option.” I ground out and flung my hands into my hair. The last arguments I had with Julian flashed into my mind and I cringed in response. I never thought I would have the same arguments with Mikaela.

“We don’t know what will happen if someone else takes our place. They are still Valentine and Carmichael. They are still a part of you. Maybe we need to take a step back and first see if Elijah can handle himself.” Mikaela whispered, her eyes searching for mine in the dimly lit lounge.

“I will speak to Julian about it, maybe even Miranda. We have been preparing Katharine for so long and now it feels as if it was for nothing. But I understand where you are coming from and I will take it up with someone who can tell us more about that shitty old paper we call the prophecy.” I assured her and turned on my heels to leave. Mikaela jumped from her position, her hand slightly reaching for me.

“Please don’t think that I don’t have faith in Katharine. I do. I am just not sure that she has any faith in herself anymore.”

With that, I slipped out the door and padded down the hallway. Mikaela remained in the lounge until I had walked so far, I couldn’t tell if she was still there or not. Weights were added to my shoulders with each step I took forward, closer and closer to the kitchen. A cigarette and a glass of vodka would do me wonders right about now. I pressed on the door to the kitchen, lost to the world around me.

Opening the double door fridge, I pulled the bottle of vodka from the door. It was still full, newly replaced for tonight’s festivities. The weight of it felt good in my hands but guilt still gnawed at the edges of my mind. Whilst I was away, drinking and smoking had become a vice to me. Along with meaningless sex. Some part of me would forever cling to those outlets, no matter how deranged they were. I had disappointed my mates, Caspian the only one who doesn’t look at me with pity in his eyes. They all knew a piece of my soul was left in that bloody bath. Knew that I would never fully come back to them.

A hand slapped the door of the fridge, making me jump a few centimetres back. Caspian’s head popped out from behind it, the most wicked smile plastered to his lips. I rolled my eyes at him and shoved the door closed, taking the vodka with me. Upon seeing the bottle, Caspian wordlessly grabbed two tumblers from the cupboard and set them down on the counter.

“It has been a rough day for you, I see.” He commented and tugged something out of his pocket. The lighter and cigarettes were a welcome sight, but I frowned at him.

“To say it was a rough day would be an understatement. It has been utter hell. I managed to enrage not only Julian, but Mikaela as well. Katharine even threw her from the room. Now I have to figure out a way to please all three of them.” I admitted and held up my full glass to Caspian. Caspian clinked the rim of his glass against mine and I downed everything in one go. The liquid burnt from tongue to stomach.

“You know, we could always go and make it better,” Caspian joked, wiggling his eyebrows at me. I rolled my eyes at him again but could feel my giggle bubbling up my throat. “Seriously, Lucy. I think you are just wound up too tight lately. You have all of these burdens on your shoulders, and it is taking its toll on you.”

“I am the queen; burdens are all I know. Don’t think that I haven’t noticed how utterly stressed I feel whenever my daughter is concerned. I know she is slipping, but that doesn’t mean she won’t catch herself. I caught myself plenty of times before.”

“Yes, but you had people around you that understood your burdens. People that could support you.”

 “I am her mother; do you think that I don’t support her?” I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest. Caspian scrubbed over his face, irritation setting into his shoulders.

“That isn’t what I am saying! I am saying that she needs someone as powerful as she is or someone who knows how she operates. Miranda isn’t cutting it, clearly.”

“I think I know of someone in the area. A brilliant idea, Caspian,” Julian grumbled from the doorway. His eyes a lighter shade of blue than I had seen earlier today. He spared a glance my way before smiling at Caspian. “I will get to work on getting him here, in the meantime, Luciana, don’t go looking for trouble again. Mikaela told me what happened with the three of you and I think it best you stay away from Katharine until tonight. Her feelings towards you might set her off again.” With that, Julian turned on his heels and left.

Caspian stared after him for a while, a frown etched into his brow, but more weights were added to my shoulders. There was nothing I could do right, it seems. Stay away from her for the better part of her life, I am abandoning her. Get close to her once I return, I am causing her emotional distress. Was there anything in life I was good for besides killing?