Chapter 4 - Willow

"I'm fine!" I snap, slapping away the many hands that are trying to touch my face.

"Should we get someone to check on her?" my mother asks my father, completely ignoring my protests.

They're all surrounding me and I'm starting to feel a bit claustrophobic.

"Can you all just take a step back and let me breathe?" I gasp out, trying to get my point across.

Immediately they all back off, and I try to crane my neck around them to look for Julian, but he's nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Julian?" I ask, even though I already know the answer.

Kendall exhales loudly and crosses her arms in front of her. "Surprise, surprise. He just causes problems and bolts once he's made his mess," she replies, in a nasty tone.

I bristle at her words. "Can you stop? What the hell jumped up your ass?" I bite back. 

She flashes a fang at me and steps closer. "My problem," she says through her teeth. "Is that your rogue mate killed our brother and you're acting like a bitch in heat, just wanting to cling onto him."

"Kendall!" my mother shouts at her.

I'm stunned that she's acting like this. My sister and I have been tight since she was born just a year after me. She's had my back more times than I count and vice-versa. It's quite shocking that she's being so harsh. I guess people deal with grief in different ways. 

My wolf isn't as understanding. She hates that her mate is getting disrespected. To an extent, I feel the same, but this is the second time in a matter of a few hours, that he's done a Houdini on me. 

Kendall's chest rises rapidly as she stares down at me on the bed. I feel small and vulnerable with her towering over me like this. I scoot back a bit so that my back rests against the wall and our eye level is almost the same. 

A sudden wave of exhaustion hits me and I can't be bothered to dignify her words with a response. 

"I'd like to be alone," I remark directly. 

The room is silent before Joey decides to shuffle out first. He glances at me once, before nodding and exiting. 

Kendall backs up but doesn't turn to leave. Noticing her defiance, my mother repeats my words to her. She glares at me and it's almost like looking at a stranger. Kendall has never been so hostile to me. I know that she just watched Kai being buried today, but I've also had it hard. 

Once she finally leaves with my dad trailing behind her, my mother comes to sit next to me. Without hesitation, I curl into her warm body and rest my head in the crook of her neck.

I don't even notice that I'm crying until her soft fingertips wipe away the moisture on my cheeks. 

"Why...does everything hurt so much mum?" I cry into her shoulder. 

She adjusts us so that she can drape her hand over my shoulders and use the other to cradle my face closer to her. 

The sadness just came out of nowhere, ramming into my chest like a massive truck. 

"Today was a sad day," my mother coos, rubbing my head soothingly. "Baby, we lost your brother and your mate isn't here to soothe your pain."

I sniff and bury my face deeper into her neck. Her reminder of Julian makes my wolf howl in sorrow. It also makes my chest clench painfully. 

"It's all my fault," I say out loud. The sobs wrack through my entire body as I remember how my brother jumped in front of the knife meant for me. The panic I felt when I tried to pull out the silver knife, burning my skin in the process. How soul-destroying it was to watch my brother take his last breath. 

"If only I just stayed by him, instead of running into the chaos; he would still be here."

I hear my mother take a sharp intake of breath. She doesn't know any of this. I close my eyes tightly as I wait for her to blame me for the death of her male. 

But it doesn't come. In fact, her hold on me strengthens. 

"Oh, my sweet girl," her voice strains, and I can tell she's holding back her tears. "Don't you ever think that. Ever."

"But...but, he tried calling me back and I -"

"Your brother's death is not your fault Willow," she cuts me off. Her tone leaves no room for arguing. Yet that doesn't automatically mean that I feel guilt-free. 

My tears slowly subside and despite being held by my mother, all I want is my mate. What Willow said about Julian wasn't true. He wasn't the one who flung the silver laced knife. He didn't kill Kai. Maybe he brought the culprit with him, but it's not his fault. 

I shouldn't have run in the middle of a huge brawl in the first place. I should have been more aware of my surroundings. 

"Do you agree with what Kendall said?" I address the topic. 

Her silence makes me anxious. What if she thinks this is all Julian's fault too? What will I do if my entire family hates my mate? 

I shake my head as if I can shake away the thoughts. Why am I even thinking about Julian when he's left once again? How can we ever have a relationship if he keeps on leaving me in the lurch? 

This is the worst time of my life and he can't stand to be here for me. Not even for a day, just to see how I'm doing? 

"It's not his fault either," my mother finally answers. "Kai's blood is not on his hands." 

There's an invisible weight on my chest that refuses to leave me. I have a feeling that it's here to stay. 

Once the sobs stop, my eyes start to droop. Noticing this, my mum starts to sing me a lullaby-like she did when I was younger. It always helped then and it still does now. Within seconds I dose off into a solace sleep. 

*************

"If you weren't so stupid I would still be alive Willow! Your stupidity is the reason I'm DEAD! The reason this whole family is falling apart. All. Because. Of. You!" Kai seethes, spit flies from his mouth as he shouts the words at me.

A dark chuckle is heard next. "See why I had to leave her?" Julian cackles harshly. "Why would I stay with her when she's the reason her brother died? Even I couldn't kill my traitorous sister."

"I...I'm sorry," I sob out. My voice is heavy with angst. "I am...so...sorry. Please forgive me," I plead out desperately. My hand digs into the ground as I try to clutch onto something physical to keep me from falling apart. 

"Oh, you're sorry that you killed me?" Kai sneers, grabbing a fistful of my hair and pulling it hard.

I whimper leaves my lips as I can feel the hair being tugged from my scalp. 

Through blurry eyes, I can see Julian staring stoically at me. I put my hand out, silently asking him for his help. "Please."

But I can tell that he hates me too. His eyes are emotionless, not an ounce of empathy for me.

Kai tugs at my hair even harder, causing me to scream out. 

"Shut her up," Julian mutters, placing his hands on his ears. 

I can't see Kai's face, but when I smell the unmistakable tang of silver close to my face, I tense and freeze up instantly. 

From the corner of my eye, I watch helplessly as Kai brings it closer to my neck. It's not even touching my skin yet, but the fumes make my skin burn and itch.

"No...no. Please no!" I stutter, desperately trying to escape Kai's hold. "Please don't!Julian! Help me!"

Julian shakes his head in disgust and just walks away. 

As soon as his back is turned, Kai slices my neck with the knife. 

My eyes fly open and bolt up into a sitting position. My body is drenched in sweat. 

This is the seventh time in seven days that I've been waking up from the same nightmare. 

My heart is thumping so violently, every bit of my body vibrates too. I lift a shaky hand to my neck, even though it was just a dream, I still feel the burn of silver. 

My tongue is so dry and thick, it grates the roof of my mouth as I try to move it around. 

Everything is dark. Only the bright moon can be seen and it annoys me immensely. 

Why is she still shining when my world is so dark? 

This past week has been my own personal hell. Not only do I wake up in a cold sweat, with my anxiety at extreme levels, but my wolf is also miserable without the presence of her mate.

I've been in and out of consciousness, my mum told me. I can't keep track of time or even days. Everything just passes me by while I sleep or get so caught up in my own misery that I can't even notice the sun rising and setting each day.

My appetite is gone and the effects of not fueling my body sufficiently are catching up to me. But what's the point of eating if I'm only going to throw it up ten minutes later?

Every day is the same, in the sense that I sit in my pitch-black room and drift in and out of sleep. The only thing that changes is the thought that consumes my soul. Sometimes it's the guilt of Kai's death, other times it's the raw need to have Julian beside me. My nightmare is always a combination of the two. 

The feeling of complete sorrow eats at me every minute of every day. The only time I'm able to get away from it is when I sleep. But even then, it's like the universe is punishing me for trying to get a break because the chills I get from the nightmare is never worth the few hours of peace I get. 

My life is just a never-ending cycle of gloom. 

I wish my brother was still here. 

I wish Julian hadn't left me. 

My stomach turns and I jump up from bed, rushing to the toilet, to expel my supper. 

My throat burns as the bile gushes out of my mouth. Even eating next to nothing doesn't help. 

Sitting on my haunches, I wipe my mouth on my sleeve and press my damp forehead against the cool rim of the pan.

Right now  I don't care about the hygienic factor. I just want a moment of relief.

The dizziness follows once everything is out of my system. Just like it has the past seven days. 

Pulling the lever, I slowly stand up on jittery legs and carry myself to the sink to rinse the pungent taste from my mouth.

Once I'm done, I turn the tap off and just stare at the stranger staring back at me in the mirror. My movements are sluggish as I push my hair off my face, and actually flinch when I see get a better look at myself.  

A red, puffy face, a trembling jaw, and splotchy skin with detached eyes look back at me. 

This is not me, it's just a shell of who I once was. Not being able to see myself in such a state, I once again drag myself back to bed. 

Once I'm in, my eyes close, and tears start seeping out, running down the sides of my face into my ears. 

Why does everything hurt? 

Why does the only comfort I can get have to come from my mate who takes every chance he can to leave me?

Worst of all, why do I still ache with the need for the same mate every day? My heart thumps in agony each time I think of him and I think of all the time. 

All I want is for the pain to stop. The emotional misery I can deal with, but the physical pain that comes with it is debilitating.

The thought of ending it once and for all has crossed my mind more times than I'd like it to admit. But I couldn't go through with it. Not because of me, but because I could never do that to my family. I won't let them bury another child or sibling. I won't be that selfish. 

My wolf is hanging on to the thought of being reunited with her mate again. It saddens me that she's so hopeful when I know that Julian won't be coming back. Why would he? If he, a leader of wild, crude rogues, couldn't kill his sister, why would be want to come back to me? A supposedly gentle wolf, who ultimately killed her brother.

Joey, my father, and mother have all insisted that it's not my fault, but it is. If I didn't run off, Kai would never had had a reason to run after me and put himself in the face of danger. 

It is my fault and I deserve this hurt. 

I know that I shouldn't get to be happy, but I wish with all might that I could have Julian. Even it was just for a day.  He would make it all go away.