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CHAPTER 152
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A vow of hate CHAPTER 153
CHRISTIAN“Valerie, stop it,” I ordered. “I can’t cope with you right now.” She frowned, furrowing her brow the same way Hazel did when confused. Normally, I would find it adorable—today, I found it annoying. I glanced at my watch. How long was Hazel going to be in the shower? “What’s cope, Daddy?” she asked, milk dripping from her spoon as she stared at me. I stifled my groan. She was getting milk everywhere-- on her face, her hair, on the table and on me. She was also chatting nonsense, the same way she did every morning, and usually it was endearing and I would listen to her intently, but things had changed, and I wasn’t in the mood. I was never in the mood anymore. My body ached, my head hurt, and I was impatient. I hadn’t slept well again, and all I wanted was to be alone. I needed time to think without people hovering and my thoughts always interrupted. “It doesn’t matter,” I snapped. She stared at me, her lip quivering. “Is you mad, Daddy?”“Daddy?”
A vow of hate CHAPTER 154
“What about the pain? It hits me and renders me numb—why can’t you get that to stop?” He spoke slowly. “You’ve been checked and tested, Christian. Several times. Some pain is normal, but what you describe…” His voice trailed off. “There isn’t a cause that can be found, and I agree with the doctor’s assessment. It could be a phantom pain—something locked in your psyche only you can break.” I pounded my hands on the armrests. “Enough of the mental bullshit mumbo jumbo. It’s not in my fucking head. I feel it. I live it. If you’re not up to the challenge, I’ll find someone who is. Do your job. Fix me.” He picked up his bag, not reacting to my anger. “I am doing my job, Christian. You’re the one who isn’t giving one hundred percent. I think you need to talk to someone—someone who can help you work out this anger.” I glared at him. I was getting tired of people’s advice. The carefully chosen words that included professional and mind over matter. All bullshit. “I
A vow of hate CHAPTER 155
HAZELI pulled up in front of Grandpa and Sarah’s house and turned off the engine. I glanced in the rearview mirror, not surprised to see Valerie asleep. After getting her a treat of her favorite donut, and a cup of coffee for me, I had driven aimlessly for almost an hour, trying to collect my thoughts and calm down.Christian’s words ran through my head on an endless repeat. His actions frightened me. His impatience with our children. His cutting remarks. The way he sneered my name. I wasn’t lying when I said it was as if the old Christian had been resurrected in front of my eyes. The tone of his voice had been icy and uncaring—the same way he used to speak to me before he changed.Or had he changed? Was he right, and I had refused to see?I rested my head against my hands that clutched the steering wheel. No. Christian was hurting. Scared. He fell back on his old habits and lashed out. However, I wouldn’t allow him to take out his temper on our child. I could handle it, but not her.
A vow of hate CHAPTER 156
CHRISTIANI wheeled through the house, the quiet around me unsettling. Hazel had cleaned up the kitchen, the spilled milk gone, all evidence of my family being there, gone. It felt empty—much like my heart did at the moment. The Keurig machine was low enough I could reach it, a mug already in place for me. I knew without looking, when I opened the fridge, the cream would be in reach. Food I liked would be at eye level, easily accessible. She made every effort to ensure I had what I needed. She tried so hard to give me what she thought was necessary. I thought of the angry words I had thrown at her. The way I had snapped at Valerie. My impatience with my helpless toddler who needed to be fed. I had failed them all yet again. They were better off without me. If I couldn’t be the Christian I used to be, they would all be better off without me. I rolled myself back down the hall, not interested in food or coffee, and stared out the window at the backyard. The water of the pool glimm
A vow of hate CHAPTER 157
After Grandpa had left, I rolled around the house aimlessly, unsure what to do with myself now that I had finally gotten what I asked for. Silence. I used the elevator I hated and went upstairs, sitting in the doorway of the nursery, staring at the empty crib. Across the hall, Valerie’s room was an explosion of pink and white. Stuffed animals were piled high on her canopy bed. She loved it when I would stretch out on the mattress, and she would lie on my chest as I read to her. An ache began in my heart, and I had to move away from the doorway. The door to our room stood open and I wheeled in, immediately hit with Hazel’s soft floral scent. It was everywhere. Soaked into the very essence of the room. I stared at the bed. The adjustments she made so I could sleep there beside her at night. The lift board I loathed that helped get me onto the mattress. The special equipment in the bathroom. Everything she had done to help me. All of which emasculated me to the point I couldn’t even to
A vow of hate CHAPTER 158
Footsteps headed in the direction of the den. They were far too heavy to be her footfalls, and I withheld my groan. Obviously, Grandpa was back. I steeled myself for his expression when he walked in and saw the destruction around me. It wasn’t his face that appeared in the doorway, though. “Mia?” I asked, shocked to see her. She strolled in, glancing around. “In the flesh.” She stopped, looking concerned. “What the hell are you doing on the floor? Are you hurt?” I ignored her question and gave her a onceover. She had on one of those knee high Valentino boots– that explained the heavy footsteps. “Help me up.” She pulled the wheelchair beside me and, with a grunt, hoisted me in. She wasn’t gentle, but I held my tongue. I was grateful to be off the floor. She stared at me until I couldn’t take it anymore, and I broke the silence. “What the hell are you doing here?” I narrowed my eyes. “Did Hazel call you?” She pushed a pile of debris off the chair and sat do
A vow of hate CHAPTER 159
I spent a restless night, finally dozing off at dawn. I woke up to sounds of things being moved and Maddox’s booming voice downstairs directing whatever was happening below me. I pulled myself up, glancing at the empty spot beside me. It felt like I had never slept in this room alone until last night. I didn’t like waking up without Hazel. The sheets were cold and empty, echoing the feeling in my chest. I ran my hand over her pillow and held it to my face, inhaling deeply. I could smell her fragrance deep in the fibers, which increased my longing for her. I reached for my phone and stared at it, my fingers hovering over the screen. I had no idea what to say to Hazel. I knew I needed to apologize and to tell her what was going on, but after the way I spoke to her yesterday and the look of devastation on her face, I knew it wasn’t enough. My words and actions had cut deep—not just yesterday, but since I woke up in the hospital. I had put up walls and shut down on her, effectively
A vow of hate CHAPTER 160
Leaning back against the headboard, I groaned. My body ached. Muscles I didn’t know I had ached. Maddox was relentless. I pushed on my thigh, amazed at the twinge I felt as I pressed. I hadn’t said anything to Maddox, worried it was a different sort of sensation, but for the first time since waking up in the hospital, I felt a small glimmer of hope. It gave me the courage to reach out to my wife. The pain I feared happened with every new routine, but it faded as we went along. I never knew when it would hit, but Maddox watched me closely, making notes. I had no idea what he was keeping track of, yet I knew when he was ready, he would tell me. I dialed Hazel’s number, tension radiating through my body. It had been three days of silence from her. I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone three days without speaking to my wife. I needed to hear her voice. “Hello,” she answered, her voice quiet and cool. “Ah, hi. It’s me. Christian,” I sputtered, sounding like an idiot.
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