Prolog

Anger overtook my chest, followed by the crazy pressure pressing until I almost forgot how to breathe.

I should have realized the consequences, I should have paid attention to the signs, I should have listened to my friends, and I should not have listened to my heart that was too infatuated with him. I've always been the most logical person, considering everything. But that doesn't apply to Maven... that guy is the only anomaly that makes me stupid.

Many 'what ifs' and 'shoulds' are now floating around in my head. All those regrets came brutally, taunting me about how stupid I was for this man.

"If you're tired of me, Maven. You can say so, and we can end things." I swallowed, trying to push away the lump of emotion clogging my throat. "You don't have to cheat and sleep with her when we're still together. I'll set you free, it's that easy. I know that I don't deserve you, and I'm not as perfect as Alice, so I won't keep you."

The heat behind my eyes was the threat of tears coming. I tried to hold them back. Restraining myself from looking vulnerable in front of the man who had hurt me. I didn't want to look pathetic and make him pity me.

"I've seen signs from you, you've been staying away for the past month and by then I was ready to let you go. If you had told me to break up back then, I would have stopped hoping that we could fix it, and I would have completely accepted your decision." I breathed, closing my eyes to calm myself before speaking again, "But everything has already happened, and, yeah.. I will let you go now." I looked away, unable to contain myself, when I saw his face was so upset.

"I'm sorry." He said heavily.

I nodded. "It's okay. I understand."

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"You already did, anyway." I bit my lip. "This time it's over, so I hope you're happy with her and stop playing with women's hearts. I hope you're truly loyal to her this time." I sighed and stood up, looked at Maven's face one last time, and smiled. "Goodbye."

He looked at me, not answering anything. I didn't wait for any parting words from him either, so I stepped out of the café that had become our usual meeting place, but from now on, there were no more dates at the café after class, no more sweet things that weren't really sweet because he was always busy with his own world.

I just realized that all this time, he never paid attention like a man always does for his girlfriend. I thought it was just his cold, flat nature, but it was only recently that I found out that he was giving his smile and all his attention to another woman.

Alice Howard is a beautiful, sexy, cheerful, intelligent, and wealthy woman who is undoubtedly above me. She always wears expensive brand-name clothes, a car that changes weekly, and social media full of vacation photos and party parties. She was living the dream.  That's probably why I'm the one Maven has forgotten about. They're so equal and so attracted to each other. I wasn't even sure he really loved me when he asked me to be his girlfriend one year ago.

And that it's been going on for five months already... I can't imagine what they've been doing behind my back.

Probably the worst.

And there's nothing I can do but cry right now. I try so hard.. and I'm never the one.

I can't make him regret hurting me. I can't. I can't force anything that was never mine, and I have nothing to do about it.

And like I always do, cry and cry.

Hoping that my pain would just go away when I woke up in the morning.

>>>

"Asshole!!!" Hannah, my roommate, yelled at me in the morning. There had been no other swear words since last night, and she apparently wasn't content to do so. "You'll see, he'll regret it. Not now but later." She continued.

I nodded, taking a sip of the herbal tea that she had prepared right after I woke up this morning. My head was so dizzy, and my nose was blocked. It was all because I couldn't stop crying last night. I was able to sleep with the help of sleeping pills that I hadn't had in a long time.

"That's why you should accept the scholarship." Hannah looked at me seriously. "You've been struggling to get everything since two years ago, and now look at the results.. you've made it!"

I took a breath. "But that means I have to repeat my studies."

I was almost on the verge of fidgeting at this point. The Architectural studies scholarship that I had fought for two years ago had finally been successful. I almost despaired about it because my destination college had a strict selection and determination that took a long time. I was already sure that I couldn't do it, but like a rainbow that comes after a storm.. it brought me such hope. But on the other hand, it was challenging to give up my studies here, and I also was curious if my parents would agree.

"You know that I haven't discussed it with my parents."

"Yeah, fuck them." She said. "They never even noticed you, you think they'd care?"

It was a harsh reality, but it was true. Being the youngest child apparently isn't as wonderful as anyone imagined. I've been a shadow since I was a kid, and it has lasted until now.

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to, because that's right."

She chuckled, "Look, maybe here is a turning point that will change your life. You can walk away from all the people who have hurt you. For once you need to look after yourself, and love yourself. You don't have to think about them and see them all the time. You won't get hurt again. You will get better slowly."

I looked at Hannah, her eyes looking at me with conviction. She knew very well that it was the right thing to do. Out of all the people around me, she was the closest to me, the one I trusted. More than that, she was my best friend, the one who was always by my side. I was even so close to her parents. They treated me better than my parents. That's what always makes a part of me warm up and believe that I deserve happiness.

And about that chance.. maybe what Hannah said was right. I couldn't torture myself forever in Toronto, surrounded by people who had already put scars on my heart. I took a breath and nodded. "I'll tell my parents."

I reached into the pocket of my hooded jacket when a call notification came from my phone. I picked up the call from Andrea, my older sister, while looking meaningfully at Hannah.

"Bonjour," my sister's voice sounded excited from the other side of the call.

"Bonjour." I replied. "What's up?"

"Are you at home?"  

"I'm at the dorm, but I'll be back home later this afternoon." I replied.

"Great. Can you tell Mum and Dad that I stayed at your dorm last night and went to college afterwards?"

"Where are you now?"

"Montreal." 

"Your boyfriend is get into trouble again?"

"Yes, and I can't do anything about it right now. So you're all I have to make my problems less bad."

"Of course I do." Or maybe you should break up with him. I wanted to say that, but I didn't want to stir up the argument we'd already had a few times just because of the jerk she was dating. "When are you coming home?"

"Tomorrow. I'll be back tomorrow. Just tell me that I have a lot of work to do."

"Okay."

"Ah, there's one more, please complete one of my assignments, and please also give it to Mr. Morris. Just tell him that I'm sick."

Hannah rolled her eyes at me.

"Maybe you should finish it instead of dwelling on your boyfriend's problems." I replied sharply.

A sound of disbelief came from her. "Rude. You know how much Clay means to me. I'm his girlfriend, and he needs me. You think I'm going to just let him get into trouble and worry about my duties? That's not very nice, Abi. And if you don't want to help me, then don't. You don't have to, I'll be fine." She said.

I shook my head. There was no sense in the scolding she was giving. She was two years above me, and she was already in the last stage of her college. The first wise thing she should do is prioritize her studies over her asshole boyfriend. But I can't say anything else because I'm not that different from her. I'm also a fool for love.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way. I'll help you, just don't worry about anything and keep Clay out of trouble."

"Yeah, that's what I'm doing. Thank you, my sister. I love you. Bye!"

I didn't reply to her words and immediately turned off the call.

"About your sister's boyfriend Clay again?"

I nodded.

"What did he do this time?"

"Creating trouble. The usual thing."

She sneered. "What's the need for her to always be like this? She's always using you as a shield, and she's always overloading you with assignments. I bet you're the one who's been letting her pass the test all this time."

"What else can I do?"

"Leave, and let her do everything herself. You've always been in charge of her own life. Plus she's never done a single thing to you." Hannah placed her glass on the counter with some force. "Huh. I really don't like your family."

"Me too."

>>>

"Milan?" my father's heavy voice startled me. He didn't look at me, his eyes still looking at the scholarship papers I had printed before I returned to the house that had never been a real home.

My mom, who sat by his side, crossed her legs. "I don't think this is effective. You've been at UOFT for almost four semesters, and the major you're do is fine. Your grades are consistent. It'll all be wasted if you just throw it away." Mom took a breath, looking at me sharply. "On top of your father paying for the tuition so far, it'll also be wasted."

"And it'll add up if I don't move."

The University of Toronto is among the best campuses in the International rankings. It was perfect and plentiful. Excellent. But it wasn't what I wanted. It was everything my parents wanted. Unlike my two oldest siblings, Cannes and Andrea, who could choose where they would go after Senior High School, I had to take Accounting at UOFT and then try to stay in good grades.

It would have been fine if they took good care of me, were always with me, and treated me like they did Cannes and Andrea, but instead, I was like an outcast in this family. My father was strict and quiet with me, always having the excuse of being busy when I asked to play when I was little. He was always busy; the giant company he was building took up a lot of time to enjoy family time, but I never understood why he would leave work when Andrea was sick or show up for her play but never show up when I was in the hospital and had a play in second grade.

My mom did the same thing. I never joked with my mom like she did with Cannes and Andrea, my mom never kissed me on the cheek or made me cookies on the weekends like she did with Andrea, my mom never forbade Andrea and Cannes to shop as much as they wanted while I was always warned to be frugal, and my parents never came to any events that I was involved in for work reasons while they always made time to pick up Andrea and Cannes when they got home from school. Our schools weren't the same, which meant I always ended up with a driver picking me up or being picked up by my uncle Kevin.

And the worst part was that they tried to get rid of me when I finished Junior High School. They sent me to boarding school and only visited me twice for the next three years until I graduated.

They didn't care at all and didn't indulge me while they would give their all for Cannes and Andrea. All the things in my childhood that I experienced shaped the person I am today. Their indifference has become a habit for me, and the pain is frozen inside me until I remember the things they did to me.

"Milan is so far away from the family, Abi. We can't keep an eye on you if anything bad happens to you." My father said.

"Have you two ever been there for me when bad things happened to me?"

Their gazes shot straight at me. My father's gaze was surprised and flat, while my mother's eyes sharpened. I was used to getting those stares because all I got was that rather than actual affection.

"What exactly are you saying?? Remember, you can grow up because we gave you so much. You can live comfortably and well because of us."

I lost the argument, not knowing what to say other than. "But did you guys ever pay attention to me and give me affection like what you did to Cannes and Andrea?" I asked, closing my eyes briefly to calm myself down when I saw their disapproving stares.

"What do you mean ? We love you all equally." Denied my father, taking off his glasses. He was old but still handsome and fit. It also applied to his teenage-like thinking, not so mature and unable to see the big mistake that was in front of his eyes.

"Really?" I chuckled sarcastically. "So why did you kick me out of the house and bring me to the dormitory? Why did you never visit me when you could have gone on vacation to another country? Why did you never pick me up when I get home from school while you can always pick up Cannes and Andrea? Why do you prioritize them over me? And there are so many other things that you do. Why don't you ever give me that kind of love?"

There's so much more going on. It's not enough for me to say right now, and I can't bring myself to say it to them, afraid of the past and the image of how they left me overwhelming my mind. It's so bad,

"Is it because I'm stupid? Is it because I'm not like Cannes and Andrea?"

"That's not true. We love you just as much as we love Cannes and Andrea." My mother's deep expression pierced through me.

"Really?" I retorted. "What's my favorite food, Mom?"

My mom swallowed. Surprised. "Shrimp, right? You love seafood like me."

"I'm allergic to shrimp."

My mom's expression paled. My father looked at me in surprise. 

I swallowed, about to cry again. "I don't want to prolong our argument so you better sign the papers so I can leave here, and I'm not asking you for permission, I'm telling you." My chest tightened at the sight of them, and I turned my face away to regain the control that was already vulnerable inside me.

There was no answer from them, just silence, with Dad starting to put his signature on the paper while Mom stared at the form with a look that I didn't want to know what it meant. 

I sighed when the relief just came. Like something was off my shoulders.

I accepted the paper when Dad handed it to me. I nodded twice. "Thank you."

I started to get up but stopped when Mom asked, "Do you know where Andrea is? She didn't come home all night."

I winked. See, who does she care?

I looked into Mom's eyes, placing bets in my mind, daring her to tell me what Andrea had been hiding from them all this time.

I took a breath and let it out quietly.

Enough was enough. I didn't want to be Andrea's shield anymore while she judged what I did for myself.

"She went to Montreal, along with her boyfriend who almost went to jail."

My parents' eyes were shocked.

Dad was about to speak up, but I cut him off.

"You can investigate for yourselves, what she's been asking me to hide from you. I've had enough of everything, so that's my honesty. Whether you believe me or not, I don't care anymore." I said, stood up, grabbed my bag, and walked away from them.

There were no goodbyes, hugs, and crying like they always did when Cannes had to leave for his pilot school and Andrea had to go for a week for a study tour to America.

There wasn't.

It was just my back staring at them.