Depression. It’s a word that everybody knows, yet people rarely discuss it. The word depression is like leprosy. If you don’t have it, you have no idea what it feels like to be in that deep, dark hole.
The best part of that deep, dark hole is the loneliness. You might find it odd that I say ‘the best part’ but it happens to be true. The loneliness is an escape in itself and that’s what makes it so dangerous.
Getting yourself out of that hole is one of the hardest things you’ll probably ever have to do in your lifetime. It’s worse than losing a loved one. Yes, it is. You might wake up and feel fine, nothing happens and suddenly you’re there.
That sinking feeling you can’t describe; nobody understands the extreme highs you feel and the extreme lows you sink to. It’s like a light switch. Nothing specific targets you, it’s just something that happens.
Wanting to die is not a new feeling when you’re in that hole. Wanting to end your suffering and be done with everybody and everything; it’s like coming up for air. It’s not something you can see and more of us suffer from it than we’d like to admit.
How do you keep on going when all the odds are against you? You feel suffocated and it’s not just tricking your mind into thinking you’re fine. You can do that and survive, for a while at least. The hardest choice when you’re there, is to choose yourself.
Somehow, I had gotten myself out of that hole. I did want to die, even though I loved my family very much. Climbing out of that hole, step by step, was an active choice. It had come down to me or them and I chose me. That choice is what saved me in the end. That was the real reason I had left. I had to save myself in order for them to survive me. It had been a choice that I would have to make again, sooner than I thought.
These choices that we make and sometimes don’t make, eventually lead you on a path of either complete destruction or infinite release. Whichever release you choose, well, that’s your choice, even if you don’t choose it.
Not making a choice is in itself also a choice. I had chosen to be the son Karani had raised me to be, the son Malachi had molded me into, the son that I should be. Little did I know that my life as I knew it would be filled with dread, disaster, a glint of happiness and that everything I had known up to that point, had been a lie.
I listened to “Fade To Black” by Metallica as I drove away from home. The song spoke to me. As I listened to the words I realized that I was lost within myself and I didn’t know what mattered anymore. Perhaps I had lost the will to live because I had nothing more to give. The road I had walked was not an easy one. I was nineteen and dead bodies littered the path of my life.
“Life seems to fade away, drifting further every day, getting lost within myself, nothing matters, no one else, I have lost the will to live, simply nothing more to give, there is nothing more for me, I need the end to set me free.”
Have you ever just really listened to the words of that song? It shook me, deep down, where I had tried and failed to bury it all. Sometimes listening to someone else’s words can have such a profound effect on your soul that you’ll never forget how you felt in that moment.
I had so much pain inside my soul, so many regrets, that I struggled to cope with all these new emotions. The emotions swirling inside me weren’t mine and my own pain and regrets were mingled somewhere in there too.
It all came down to choices, the choice I hadn’t made was haunting me and slowly turning me into the villain. All I can say is that I’m sorry for the pain I caused. There are things that would haunt me until my dying day, but those are things I try to push down.
I had lost so much in such a short time, that I knew chaos was on the horizon. I had to do something to save the people I loved, even if it was to save them from me. Life didn’t always work out the way we planned, and I, for one, learned that the hard way.
My life had taken a turn for the worst and I hadn’t felt this kind of pain even when Sarah had died. Karani’s death and Malachi’s pain had completely drained me of my will to even breathe. The death of my brother, my twin and Malachi’s deeply hidden secret just proved too powerful. I needed to come up for air, but at the same time I didn’t know how.
So I did the only thing I could do to save everybody, including me. I left.
It was the best thing I could do. That choice also had consequences, ones I would later think about and regret, but my regret wasn’t leaving. I regretted not seeing it sooner, not being in time to save them.
I’d always carried my heart on my sleeve and this time my heart was ripped from my soul. I had to learn to live with my heart being shattered, but I had people depending on me, depending on my strength, that somehow, I just pushed through.
We all have immense strength inside us, we just need to use it. My strength came in the form of love, my emotions and my ability to focus on that love. It’s what saved me in the end. My strength was also my family and no matter what, keeping them safe, keeping them alive, that was my only goal.
Adrian Peters sat in his car and looked at the house. He knew that Jeff Smith was inside. Jeff’s wife had died two years earlier, leaving him to care for their six-year-old twin daughters, China and India, by himself. They were identical twins and they reminded Adrian of little porcelain dolls.Jeff spent most of his time at home, writing books for children. Adrian prided himself on his abilities to be, firstly, a real man, and secondly, to gather information. Jeff seemed to lead a fairly boring life, just like the others he had preyed on. Jeff Smith had a live-in nanny that took care of his daughters while he wasted his time writing books.The look on Adrian’s face was one of utter disgust. Couldn’t he find a real job? He looked down on weak people and he refused to tolerate that weakness, especially within himself.Jeff went jogging at five thirty pm every evening with Travis Michaels, another pack member. Travis would drive to Jeff’s house and they would jog together.Travis lived
Adrian quickly put a smile on his face and displayed his badge. “Good afternoon, Sir.”“Yes?” Jeff was almost rude as he looked at Adrian. He was a big man but Adrian still felt sure that he could subdue him with the gun if he could only manage to gain entry into the house.“I’m going house to house to ask if any of the residents have noticed any suspicious activity in the area…” Adrian began to talk but Jeff interrupted him.“Like you, Officer? You’ve been sitting in your car for a week now, watching my house. I think I should call Chief McKenzie, who I play poker with once a month and inform him of the suspicious acts of one of his officers.” Jeff’s gaze bored into Adrian.“I apologize, Sir, my intention wasn’t to ruffle any feathers. I’m working overtime and watching certain areas every week on my days off.” Adrian tried to save the situation. He could feel that he was losing this argument with Jeff Smith.“Stop watching my house or I will report you!” Jeff said and slammed the doo
Dezrael opened her eyes and looked at the flickering light of the candle in front of her, smiling triumphantly. She was beautiful, like you would expect a movie star to be. She had long blue-black hair that came down to her mid-back with full lips and soft green eyes. In a way, she reminded you of a gypsy, with her olive skin and exotic cheek bones.She had finally found him; he was in Seward, Alaska, of all places. She sighed audibly. She would have to move, again. The half-breed Seiomaor was no longer a boy and the time was right. She wondered what he might look like and if he resembled his half-breed mother, Karani.She closed her eyes briefly and thanked her ancestral spirits for taking Karani’s spirit, hopefully to Muspelheim. She also sent up a quick prayer to her mother, asking for guidance in what she had to do next.Before today she’d been unable to find Kiran Sinclair, due to the cloaking spell Karani had placed around him from the moment of his birth. Dezrael had grown up w
“Hi, I booked a cabin,” she said to the woman working in the vegetable garden. She smiled at the woman who was completely gray and her face showed kindness.“Oh, hello dear, what’s your name?” The old woman looked like a grandmother with her garden gloves on her hands and her hair trimmed short. She had wrinkles but Dezrael could see that she had been pretty in her younger days.“Dezrael Danielsson,” she answered and looked towards the beach. The view was breathtakingly beautiful and for a moment she forgot the cold as she got lost in the thundering waves that broke onto the beach.“What a beautiful name! You can call me Addie. Let’s go get you settled in. Where are you from, dear?” Dezrael liked this older woman and hoped that she could be a source of information for her.“I’m from Sweden, on a retreat as I write my thesis. I’m studying Environmental Psychology.” Dezrael lied easily and she could see that the woman was confused.“What’s that, dear?” Addie asked her.“It’s the study o
Malachi hugged Adara tightly and kissed the top of her head as they stood in the airport in Anchorage. She was crying and she hadn’t really stopped since Kiran had left. She was withdrawn, depressed and moody, everything he felt as well.Malachi put his hands on her shoulders and looked her in the eye. “You’re not being punished. I just need you to be safe. With everything going on, I can’t keep an eye on the pack and keep you safe at home.”“I know, I just wish I knew what I did wrong,” Adara said to him.“You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s hard to explain, but one thing I do know for sure is that he’ll come back,” he replied gently.There was an announcement that the boarding gate would open in five minutes and Malachi looked at his watch.“You have to go and before you know it, you’ll be coming back with Kiran standing right here waiting for you.”Adara hugged him once more and then walked away. The smile faded from his lips as he walked back to his car. He drove back to Seward in
That evening James welcomed all the men from their pack and they went to the dining room. Shoran had bought snacks and drinks and had carefully arranged them on the table. She excused herself and went upstairs. This was a men’s only meeting.“Where’s Kiran?” Carl asked James as they stood around the table pouring drinks. Normally it would be Kiran that received them at the house when Malachi was unavailable.“And why isn’t Garrick here?” Carl asked before James could answer his first question.“I think we should rather wait for Malachi. Garrick couldn’t get away from the hospital,” James said as Carl frowned at him. Twenty minutes later Malachi walked into the dining room and looked apologetically at everyone.“I apologize for my tardiness, I was with Robert Jones. Please take a seat, this is an informal meeting but a serious one,” Malachi said as he sat down at the head of the table. The chair across from him at the other end remained empty and he looked at it.“Welcome and thank you
Adara had reluctantly flown back to Ireland, her soul numb. Kiran hadn’t even bothered to say goodbye to her, that hurt more than she could’ve imagined it would. She had cried so much that she didn’t think she had any tears left. Rejection was something she was used to, though it hurt so much more coming from him.His note had just said ‘I’m sorry.’ Sorry for what? Sorry for leaving or sorry for pushing her away? She wasn’t sure which one was worse but his absence just made everything hurt all the more. It even hurt more than the years of abuse she had endured.Adara looked at the screensaver on her phone. It was a picture of Kiran. She had taken it while he was laughing at something silly James had said at the time. He wasn’t looking directly at her and she remembered that day well.Now it seemed that everything had changed. He had just left, he had yelled at her, told her not to touch him. She could barely remember a time when she hadn’t loved him. The screen darkened and she put th
Adara excused herself to go upstairs even though it was only six pm. She was exhausted. She checked her phone and saw that all her messages to Kiran still showed unread. She sighed and turned on her side. She felt so alone that she cried herself to sleep.Adara finally phoned Malachi after she’d been in Ireland for a week. The phone kept ringing and then went to voicemail. She ended the call without leaving a message. She was about to walk out of the room when her phone rang. “Hello Malachi.”“Adara, I do apologize. I was on another call,” Malachi said to her.“Have you heard from Kiran?” she asked him and he was quiet for a bit.“Nothing yet. He isn’t answering your calls either?”“No. I haven’t heard anything from him in seven days!” Adara replied. She was beginning to worry.“He’ll call. I’m sure of it.” Malachi tried to ease her anxiety. “He used his credit card in Canada six days ago.”“Why would he go to Canada? What about his GPS?” Adara asked him.“It just shows him crossing t