Chapter One

 You know as a little girl, I was always told,

"Life is what you make it. If it doesn't turn out as planned, know you were in control."

Yet, what if it was too late to fix it? What if good intentions turn bad and suddenly you're in a never-ending cycle of bad? This isn't a love story or how I came to be, but a story about never-ending pain and suffering. I held onto his lifeless body after hearing him say he loved me. I stroked his light red hair and watched as his eyes were no longer staring into a future. I failed and yet I did nothing to find the solution, just created more and more of the problem. I was the problem.

My family is from Juarez, Mexico. A place with great food, but also so much sadness. The poverty is bad, the police are corrupt, and yet no one was doing anything about it. My father was raised in the Cartel life; never knowing anything else. Killing, kidnapping, drugs, and everything you've come to expect. Yet when he met my mother, she became his entire world. He feared for their lives and knew that the only way to protect his wife, twelve-year-old son, and his eight-year-old daughter was to leave with them and never come back. He thought he'd be in love and married. He wanted to protect us from the backlash.

But nothing made perfect sense until his daughter was born, Nadia Rosalina Hernandez. He always told me that he saw all the nasty things people did to girls of all ages, and when I was born, he wanted to shield me from all these bad things. Leaving the Cartel life wasn't something as simple as saying, "Hey, I am leaving the gang, I'll see you later." More often than not, you were killed for even thinking such a thing. So my father gathered my mom, my brother, Matteo, and I. Then headed for the border.

We eventually landed in the city of El Paso, Texas. But with how much business went on there, it wasn't far enough. He settled down with the money he saved up in a small town called Hatch, New Mexico. Just thirty miles of Las Cruces. We lived in a secluded area, where everyone had each other's back. This is what I loved about this place. We took care of each other and this is how we managed to stay here hidden for so long. Being a sanctuary city, it protected our family and the many immigrants from deportation. It's not a forever thing, but it's allowed us to breathe. My sister, Camila, was born seven years ago, and she was fortunate enough to be an American citizen; never seeing what we had to do in Juarez.

Remember when I said,

"It wasn't forever"?

Well, that day came very quickly. I was so close to graduating high school. I kept good grades, was captain of the debate team, a star student in math, and class president. I was an active member of the community, and I was told I didn't have a bad bone in my body. I wasn't popular for the fact that my English wasn't great. My accent was strong, and some had trouble understanding. But I was okay with everyone. My boyfriend, Eli, was who I had most of the time. I maybe even thought I could love him. It wasn't there as it was always something missing; passion maybe?

"Nadia, get downstairs!" My mother's voice rang out as I stumbled downstairs to the kitchen. My brother and sister were scarfing down their food.

My dad was behind my mom slowly swaying her hips while singing a tune. Their relationship was beautiful; I wanted something like that.

"Dad, are you coming to the game to watch me cheer?'' Camila asked as she took another piece of bacon and chomped down on it.

"Yes, we will be there," he answered, returning his attention back to my mom.

"Matteo? Nadia?"

I remembered that look in her eyes, as it was the most innocent stare ever,

"I will be getting off work early, so I will make it by half time," Matteo responded.

"I'm sorry Cam, I have to study for the SATs, and it requires my full attention. I will be there next week, I promise."

She looked disappointed, yet she smiled and she understood. I was really big on my studies, I wanted a scholarship so badly. My parents could afford for me to go to school, yet I wanted to earn it. I had no idea what I wanted to do in life, but I knew I wanted to be great. Everyone scrammed out the door while I continued eating my food. You know you never really see certain things coming. So when it happens it's more of a shock, and the vile that fills your stomach once it does shouldn't be surprising. Eli walked through the door and came over to kiss my cheek. Every girl's dream was for their family to like her boyfriend, being in a small town where everyone knows each other. I was lucky because he really was great.

"Your parents aren't home, should we finish what we started last week?"

My eyes rolled hard to the back of my head. I wanted to wait to have sex, but sometimes it got so hard to do. He was patient even after three years, but I wasn't ready to give him the one thing I could never get back.

"Best I can do is a slice of bacon."

He laughed as he took it from my hand.

"You watch Pawn Stars way too often, but that's okay. I've been good to myself, as you have not."

He reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me down onto his lap. I did love him, there was no doubt about it. I always found myself questioning if it was merely just the fact he is good to me. He had no issue with showing how much I meant to him either.

"Prom is coming up, have you finally picked a dress so I can know the colors?" he asked.

SATs were really killing me, so I hadn't put much thought into it. It was a month away, but I was still slacking. I quietly continued to lay my head on his shoulder.

"I will take that as a no. I will pick your dress, have you looking like a nun."

I hit his shoulder, which caused him to jerk back and grunt to impact. Our relationship was really good. We could play around with each other always. I quickly grabbed his keys and ran outside to his truck. He never let me drive his pickup truck, but today he made an exception as we drove off to school.

The day had dragged on, the debate took long, and now that I was home I had my head in the books again. Mom and Dad were downstairs getting ready for the elementary school football game. Camila was at school, and Matteo was at work. I really hated when people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, because how does one really know? Hell, I wanted to be President one day, but we all knew that wouldn't happen. I don't want to work with kids. I don't want to be a nurse or a doctor, even though I was intelligent enough. I don't want to work with people, at this point in my life I felt smarter than everyone around me. But we never really get what we want. Here I am thinking that once upon a time, I had a choice of what I wanted to be in life. Then imagine having that choice ripped from you. I think during this moment and was counting. 1.. 2.. 3.. 4..

I heard yelling coming from upstairs which I couldn't decipher. Something inside me told me to stay where I was, that my parents would figure it out. Yeah, I was that stupid girl who walked down to stand on the stairs as I watched the show.

"Maria, Joseph, Matteo, and Nadia Hernandez you are being detained by U.S. Immigration," were the words that froze me in my tracks.

"Sir, we are protected by the city. We have done nothing wrong."

I stood there fear gripping my chest, this seemed like a dream.

"You being in this country with no papers, is wrong," said one of the agents as they strapped my parents in handcuffs.

A gasp escaped my mouth, as the other officer started walking toward me.

"Nadia, run!" my mother screamed, but that didn't get me very far. He was already throwing me against the wall and slamming the cuffs shut onto my wrists.

At this point, I was screaming for my parents, but they were already being loaded into a separate van and I didn't understand why. The thought that I might never see my family again crossed my mind as tears began welling up in my eyes. This was an everyday occurrence, to be honest, America is supposed to be the greatest country. Yet here I was filled with sadness and my heart was breaking. This country is for the powerful and the rich. As immigrants, we are dogs and rapists, who bring drugs and violence. This isn't the country that you see on TV. When I first came to the United States, I didn't know a hint of English. It was something I had to learn over time, and people who heard my broken English would berate me. Now I was going back to Juarez, a place I didn't know very well.

"Please don't do this. I don't want to go back!" I yelled at the agent, but he just laughed in my face.

The guy grabbed me by my hair and slammed my head into the side of the van, causing me to lose consciousness.

When I awoke, it was to whispers. I pulled myself up, there were other girls in the van. They ranged from all ages. An Asian girl walked over to me with tears in her eyes,

"I want my mommy."

I was still waking up trying to process what was going on. A raging pain clouded my head.

"How old are you?" I managed, but she continued to sob.

I felt movement to my left, an African American girl was waking up,

"Where am I?" She said completely freaked out, and I didn't know what to do. I was the oldest one there, and I felt responsible for it.

I started banging on the door yelling for help. A small voice echoed in the van,

"The man took me while I was asleep."

I looked over at her, she was older and looked unfazed.

"We were kidnapped?" I said.

She just rolled her eyes as I was only stating the obvious.

"I don't know why you're freaking out; we are going to die so just enjoy this until then."

Something snapped inside me as I reached over and grabbed her by the arms.

"These are kids and you are going to stand there and say things like this."

Her eyes were puffy as if they had already done their fair share of crying.

"I am a kid myself, what is it you want me to do? I can't protect them!"

I let go of her arms.

"We've been kidnapped, and we need to get out of here."