Eva
We arrive later, of course. According to the cool girls' code, only losers go on time. So here we are, Christina made my hair and I think it's not so bad. That doesn't mean I don't check if I've tucked my skirt in my underwear by accident every five minutes. Cloe throws a party at beginning of every school year, and I'm probably invited here because:
One- I've known Christina since we were kids and our mothers are somehow still friends, despite the huge difference between them.
Two - I sometimes help their whole group with homework, including Max (he's hopeless, by the way).
Three- well, I think there's no three.
"Chris, finally" she's suddenly surrounded by her girlfriends, hugging her, complimenting her eyeliner. Too much perfume, skin –lotion fruity scents, and brand outfits.
"Hi, Eva. You look nice!" one of them - Jodie - says. They're either making fun of me, or we've come later than I thought and they're drunk already.
"I'll go grab a soda," I tell Chris and leave them.
I'm heading for the kitchen where probably the improvised bar is. I'm trying to make my way through furniture, girls spreading hands like trees in attempts at dancing, the big empty-headed guys from The Wolves / okay- maybe they're not all so stupid. Kyle's smarter than he looks but if keeps hanging out with Jared, he'll lose a big number of brain cells. I'm squeezed, but halfway there when
when
what?
then
I see Him.
Time freezes. I make his face out among the many dull faces I see every single day. What I feel is nothing like what I've read in books, seen in movies, or whatever.
There's nothing nice about it. It's scary.
I can hear my heartbeat drumming loud in my ears, louder than the music playing. It's like I have something stuck in my throat and it lays heavy there. My palms are sweating and my heart keeps skipping beats. I feel that terrible tightening in my stomach, it's not exactly painful but it's that awful stir I get when we have a test and I see the sheet contains questions I have not studied for.
I keep walking but my legs are too heavy. Wait- did I miss a spot when I shaved my legs earlier? No, don't check, Eva. And don't you dare trip all over yourself. Please, not now.
I should've put on more makeup, done my nails in a different color. Taken the dress Chris was offering me, not the one I thought comfortable.
I'm so stupid.
And ugly.
He sees me watching him, I was probably staring too hard. A slow smile spreads on his face and he starts walking in my direction. He's tall- Cloe wasn't exaggerating- all right. But I swear he looks so different from what I thought the new guy would look like.
I don’t know what I imagined, another copy of "the player" stereotype, perhaps- all muscles and no brains. Whatever I may have pictured it turns out to be very far from the truth.
Wait- is he coming?
I'm halfway facepalming myself for being so dumb like he'd come when Jared pulls him into one of those bro hugs guys give each other. They've become friends already, I should’ve figured. Or maybe they aren't there yet, but they'll be hanging out together from now on.
"Oh, please..." I hear someone right behind me saying and I turn around, startled. The moment I look at him, I know.
It's not something obvious, or a certain way someone looks. It's just a hunch. A feeling- primal and plain- the recognition someone is just like you and can understand you better than people you've known for years. Chris's mom has always said we have to trust that feeling.
I've always thought it doesn't exist.
"Don't tell me you're another of the many fans, swooning over my cool, funny brother. " he continues "Hey, don't look so terrified. And no- I wasn't adopted."
"No, wait" too many things are going on in my head. I look back at the guy with Jared, then back at the boy standing next to me. I can’t believe they’re brothers. Besides, no one said anything about a brother.
They look nothing alike. And I'm not swooning, he may look different, but he's probably just like anyone else. Just more handsome. Okay, a lot more handsome, but the point stands.
"You thought I'm too weird and can't possibly be related to Nathan. That's his name, by the way," the guy continues.
He's English. Another thing no one said anything about. I feel like I'm the only one left out of a joke everyone else knows.
"Are you surprised I'm foreign, or you don't quite get all I'm saying?" He waves a hand in front of my eyes when I don’t say anything.
“Hello?”
"Wait, no...Geez, I'm trying to think here."
"About why I'm being an ass and still talking to you, or?"
"No, no...Are you always so defensive?" I've never been that direct with anyone in my entire life.
"Nah, I'm messing with you. And I prefer edgy," he replies "Anyway, unlike most guys, I don't want to be here." He has a cool accent. I don't want to think if his brother's voice is cute. Or sexy. Or anything at all.
"I'm Eva, hi."
"Just Eva, or it's short from something?"
"Just Eva." I notice something's a bit off with him. I'd say he's had too many shots already, but there's something else. It's like he's way too careful with his moves but not the same way a drunk person is. And I know perfectly well how a drunk person acts.
"Canadians," he says with an eye-roll and I start laughing. "And don't ask me if I like Canmore, or Alberta or anything."
"No, no worries- I wasn't going to. It's not my favorite place either. "
"Yeah, I can tell." He snorts and finishes the contents of his plastic cup.
"Oh, really, how so?" I ask and turn to him. I'm joking – I probably look as out of place here as he does. But I can't know how he'll take it. And he replies seriously, all the humor from his earlier remarks gone.
"It's just that weird feeling you get when you meet someone who seems to be hating this whole mess as much as you do. Or even more, I don't know yet. " He looks at me and I try to think of an answer, but I hear Chris calling me from somewhere.
"Eva! There you are. You two met already, I knew it. What's up? "
The guy smiles.
How can two people born from the same womb be so different, down to the way they smile. If Nathan looks confident, with his broad shoulders and even more confident smile, the guy next to me, even if not much shorter than the other is much skinnier and looks fed up with everything. I've always believed I can't understand how siblings' similarities work as I'm an only child. Yet, I'm aware there's no connection more special than the one between brothers and sisters. It's like, sometimes they're so close to each other that people not from the family will naturally be outsiders about certain things, but still.
"Hi Christina" he replies and that pulls me away from my thoughts. "I'm going out for a smoke. Nice meeting you Eva, short from nothing. I'll see you guys in class."
"In class?" I turn to Christina once he's gone.
"Well, yeah. We're in the same class."
"But you didn't say anything..."
"You didn't come yesterday, otherwise you would've seen him. And I forgot, sorry. Anyway, whatever. " I don't get the chance to say anything from there on because she's is all over me, almost shouting in my ear:
"But did you see his brother? Oh. My. God. He's sexy from that taper cut to the red Converse he's wearing... So, Cloe said..."
I'm flooded with words, squeaking and then even more words, half of them lost to the music. I feel the phone buzzing in my pocket. Then what must be messages. My mom. I know it's her without even looking.
I knew it. There is a big joke going on around here and, I was the only one who didn't get it, so I couldn't laugh with them.
And my new classmate didn't even bother to introduce himself.
Kyle"Guys- this is Nathan". Jared announces and pats the new guy's shoulder. "He moved here from Winchester. Right?""Manchester, " Nathan replies super seriously with an exaggerated accent. We all laugh and I can't help but think he seems like a cool guy."Oh, right. Sorry.""No worries. Even I forget where I am or where I come from sometimes."I heard Christina talking about the two new guys the other day, so that must be Jeremy's brother."Do you play hockey too?" I ask."Nay. I'm not a very good team player. I do some kickboxing, though. I mean I did back home. But yeah, not much anyway. ""That's cool. ""Well, it explains the tattoos. Is that even legal?" someone asks."How does that explain tatts, man?""I don't know, kinda part of the style.""You're so dumb, Mike.""Wanna try my uppercut, Tylor?'"What? Go to hell, Jazz""Why don't you...."They keep fooling around and I look at Nathan's arms. He's wearing a plain white T-shirt which allows me to see they are mostly covered
Jeremy"You look terrible, " Christina tells me when she comes to sit with me and Eva in the cafeteria before going to PE. The cafeteria's become our usual spot for hanging out because we can talk shit and no one will hush us the way they would if we were in the library. The only disadvantage is I can't smoke in here- I mean I tried and Chris and Eva were going to kill me.I'm finishing my third coffee and that better be my last one as I'm starting to get restless. Eva's struggling with the package of her second Reese's bar and I'm pretty sure she has at least two more in her backpack."And you're exceptionally pretty today," I reply and lean back in my chair. I'm sure she's torn between thanking me and checking whether today she looks better than she normally does. She's most likely opted for the first since she still asks"Yeah, what happened to you?""I studied for the test all night. Maths can be very damaging." Eva laughs but Christina's oblivious to the joke. Instead, she only c
EvaOn days like this, I feel my skin too tight. Unfitting. I want to rip it completely off, throw it away, run out from it free. But I can't, because I'm trapped.It's like the sky's so heavy that it keeps pressing me closer to the ground. Breathing gets harder by the second. There's this huge snake, wrapped around my chest, tightening its hold more and more. I choke on all the thoughts, suddenly flooding my mind. Why can't I turn them off, or slow them down?Words go unspoken, unheard. They get stuck in my throat. I need to scream into the empty, open-air, but all sounds dissolve into the vacuum of the dark void, surrounding me. My mind's vibrating so loud that I have the urge to put my hands on my ringing ears and silence it. I'm getting dizzy with the overwhelming feeling of fear. The impending doom, hanging over me.What's scarier is I don't know where all this is coming from. Or why. It's invisible, but I know it's there. It's like you're dying, but you aren't. It's what a hea
Kyle "Are you taking the medications I prescribed, McDavid?" The team's doctor inquires dead serious and looks at me from behind his desk, glasses pushed down low on the tip of his nose. "Nah, Doc. It's not that bad anymore. " I'm tying my shoelaces as quickly as I can, I can't wait to leave because I hate all those cabinets. The last time I did my checkup he gave me some kinds of painkillers, I don't remember the name and I don't care about them. I know most of the guys on the team take them, especially Jared, but it's not for me. The pills helped me with the pain, but they were also making me sleepy. I couldn't feel much, not just pain. Anything. And even if it sounds funny- I hated that. It was as if I was out of control, even of the discomfort. So I simply stopped taking them eventually. "You tore an adductor a few weeks ago, boy, "Doc continues, "it looks better than last time I checked, but you can't have fully recovered by now. Especially considering how serious the injury
EvaWe finish earlier on Fridays, so we hang out after school with Chloe and Chris. Jeremy and Max came with us too, but Max has a game later and can't stay much. Jeremy turned out to be way more patient than me when explaining Victorian Classics, although he didn't look like it at first. I'm heading home, it's almost 4 pm -mom should still be at work.Rudy's wandering around, so she comes my way and gives me the usual sniff and a lick on the hand."Did I pass the security check for today?"I scratch her behind the ears and once she's had enough, I'm good to go. I put the key in the locker and discover the door's open. Then I see the shoes my mom went out with this morning. I go inside and see her lying on the couch, covered under a blanket. You've got to be kidding me."Mom?" Don't tell me she got fired again. "Hey, Mom? Are you ok?"She pokes her head out of the cover and says, her voice hoarse. "I don't feel very well so they let me go home for the day.""Just for today?"I know I
"Fucking finally, " Jared says as we come in and kisses Christina. She pulls back, although I see she's not pissed off."Are you drunk already?" Chris makes a face at him and he leans towards her again for another smooch."We won, baby."While I'm wondering how come she forgave him for everything he did to her, I see Nathan.Right. He is here. Nathan's lying on the ground, his elbow propped on one of the cushions scattered around. I've always thought the huge living room Max's parents have is too-hippie decorated, but that's the first time I kind of like it. He's smoking and the two girls sitting next to him are giggling about something. Max's sitting cross-legged opposite them, strumming something on his guitar. Both his parents are musicians and I have no idea why he's on the team, but he seems to be very bad at music, so hockey was probably the only other option he had for an extracurricular activity. They're talking about something and I struggle to hear what it is when Nathan's
EvaThey had a private teacher...Jeremy's never mentioned what kind of family they come from, but everyone knows everything about anyone here. The first information that was quickly spread was the fact their father's business was among the most successful ones internationally. The second talks were vivid descriptions of the huge house by the lake they'd bought.I look back at Nathan, and I know I could've asked about how he finds the place, or whatever. But for some reason I say."Is this what you want to do? Play?""No, that's just to pass the time now.""But you're so good.""I just had a lot of time to practice, especially in the past year."I put my hair behind my ear and look ahead."Jeremy mentioned it. I'm sorry- I mean- he didn't say why or anything, just that you skipped a year.""It's fine, I don't hide it. I just spent a year off school. ""Okay...""I don't regret it, though." he says, casually. I was sure he wouldn't continue talkig to me, but he does. "I had more time t
Kyle It's late and the few people left are wasted already, smoking outside on the balcony. The light's dim and someone's put quiet music on Max's vintage record player. Jeremy's spread himself out on the big sofa in the living room, head on the backrest, his dark clothes in total contrast with the colorful furniture. I've noticed he assumes the posture whenever he's tense or uncomfortable, it's like a challenge where he says, "Here I am, come at me." He's still here for some reason, even though his friends left already; I mean even Nathan's not here, although they don't seem to be hanging out much. Now that I think of it, I've never seen them together at school and they don't even come together. Nate usually drives and I think Jeremy rides the bus, which I thought strange at first, but I guess they have their reasons. I wanted to talk to him and never got the chance, so it's a " now or never" situation, kind of. I approach and sit close to him. He flinches but doesn't open his eyes.