Eva
It's only the first day and I'm skipping already. But my mom's just started a job for the first time since ...well, I'm not exactly sure since when, and I haven't had the house entirely to myself in ages, so it's worth it.
It should be okay, we never do anything on the first day, anyway. It's been unusually sunny today and I'm sitting outside on оur small porch in my improvised patio chair, reading Tess of the D'Ubervilles. I signed up for ELA and Creative Writing this year at school, and I'll have to finish the book before we get to it. I'm occasionally glancing at the kids playing on the street. There isn't much traffic in the afternoon, so they don't care. One of them is lying on the asphalt and the other pulling him by the leg. A less than three-year-old girl stood there looking at them in confusion.
Although it's always seemed to me that really small kids often look like they're confused by the world and don't know what they're doing exactly. They just observe people doing random, unexplainable to anyone things.
It's how I often feel too.
It's the late afternoon, golden leaves are covering the pavement, and since my house is very close to the woods, I catch the faint scent of pine cones coming from the trees nearby. The neighborhood's dog is playing with something she found, although to me it looks more like she's watching over the kids. I don't remember where this big dog with its scruffy red coat came from- I'm pretty sure Rudy used to be someone's pet, but they just threw her away. Mrs. Jenkins, the old lady who lives next door feeds her and the dog's been too calm to hurt anyone. I guess she decided to just keep it, but most of the time Rudy just wanders around the whole area as she's not kept on a leash. I look around and realize that's the most melancholic scenery possible.
The sun's heavy in the sky and it's like time has stopped. I'm trying to catch the wind, so I inhale as deeply as possible. My stolen moment before my mother gets back from work and I'll have to listen to whatever she wants to criticize me about this time. She always has something to say. It can't be grades, because I'm a good student. So it's usually about things like the way I hung the laundry, or how I fail to put my clothes in perfect order every time, or why the milk I've just spilled hasn't been cleaned already. And ‘Sorry, I didn't see it’ doesn't work, not with my mother.
She's started working in a supermarket, and she'll probably be too tired after the shift, so I don't think she'll have the energy to talk to me. Unless she flips and starts explaining how difficult everything is, and how she sacrificed her life so I could have the things I do now.
I sometimes feel like she's reading from the same script every single day. We're all in the same play when I'm constantly trying to change my lines.
But life just won't have it.
I'll have to go to school tomorrow- I know. Besides, I don't normally skip. I just...Okay, I worked all summer long and today's the only day in months I didn't do anything besides reading. I just need a break sometimes.
I've always wanted to just be able to spread my wings freely without breaking someone's walls; preferably without losing my ability to fly in the process. The world can look very overwhelming from where I stand and for someone like me, even in this small town.
* * *
I kept my word - of course - and I came to school. Not that I had much of a choice, anyway. I almost missed the bus, and it's raining. Awesome, today's promising.
"And where were you yesterday, girl?" The friend I've had the longest in my almost eighteen years is standing next to me in the girls' restroom. She's checking her eyeliner in the mirror before going to our first class. Her dad always drives her to school, so we've never come to school together. I'm washing my hands for the third time in the last five minutes, because I'm really, really trying to focus on keeping myself busy right now.
"Hey, Chris. What's up?
"Are you all right?" she looks at me genuinely worried. I’m a terrible friend.
"Oh, yeah, yeah. I just…I wasn't feeling well yesterday. "
"You never share anything with me.” She says, frowning. “It's enough I could barely see you in the past months because you worked in that stupid store the whole summer."
"I do share, I promise. It's just, you know ... " I gesture vaguely. I remember I didn't brush my teeth this morning. But I am sure I did last night. I never skip brushing them in the evening. I start wondering if I was sitting next to anyone too closely on the bus, or if I spoke to someone earlier. I put my hand in front of my mouth and exhale. That would probably look dumb to anyone who might see me. Chris doesn’t notice, though, and continues applying makeup on her face while I wonder what else I forgot to do earlier today. After a few moments, I hear her ask
"We're going, right?"
"Well, yeah. We are, I guess."
Wait. Where. I'm usually good at both not listening and somehow managing to reply. But not today, not exactly.
"This new guy will be there, too.” She says, smiling at her face in the mirror, “Cloe was raving about him in the dancers' group chat last night. Said she can't find him anywhere. And if she can't - no one does."
I probably don't need to clarify, I'm not part of this group chat. But I'm used to Christina talking to me like I'm one of them; as if I know the pain of breaking up with the hockey team's captain, or the horror of not being able to grow your nails inches long because you might scratch yourself while doing bridge poses.
"I haven't seen him yet, but she said he's super tall and hot. Not cute or sweet. Cloe's exact words were: "Fucking sin on legs", Chris continues, applying pink matte lipstick now. She's read another erotic novel recently, I can tell. I mean, who talks like that? And yes- I've spent enough time with her to know the difference between rose gold and pink rose color. I look at her- she's pretty, but she always is, a beautiful mixture of features. Her mother was born in Mexico, her dad's French, and I'm pretty sure she has relatives somewhere in Asia. I've somehow always envied her for that.
"I only know the guy's in Jared's class. Stupid Jared, he's everywhere. I know I shouldn't text him and I won't, he simply doesn't deserve my attention anymore. I don't care how sexy his chocolate skin is, okay?" she applies the color almost angrily now.
I'm wiping my hands on my jeans, trying not to laugh at the other thought that pops up in my head. I'm sure if that guy's that hot, he'll be dumb as hell.
If he is not that stupid, he wouldn't be that hot. And if he is both- and chances are slim -he'll be the biggest, arrogant ass in the world.
It's a never-ending cycle.
And in case I have to listen to all the girls obsess about him, I'll set myself on fire. I’ll do it in the schoolyard before math class in front of everyone. Good riddance, Mr. Turner, and your integrals.
I'll make a huge slogan saying, "We have enough jocks here, thank you very much. "
"Cool, it's a deal then,” Chris says, putting her things in her brand bag. “Come to my house later and we'll get ready together and go."
Maybe I have just agreed to something I don’t remember even being asked about.
"My mom wanted to see you too, so be prepared. “my friend declares, “She likes talking to you, and you're the only one who doesn't refuse her cakes. Okay, I've got to go- I need to give Maddie her shirt back."
"Yeah, ok. See you, Chris."
I've never understood why girls refuse cakes. I mean- I do, yes- but I'd never give up eating a chocolate cake for anything in the world.
And I mean - anything- there's nothing better than sweets.
Thinking of cakes distracts me from focusing on the thought I've somehow said yes to going to a stupid gathering, instead of staying home and reading.
Daydreaming will cost me and eventually end me one day, I'm sure.
EvaWe arrive later, of course. According to the cool girls' code, only losers go on time. So here we are, Christina made my hair and I think it's not so bad. That doesn't mean I don't check if I've tucked my skirt in my underwear by accident every five minutes. Cloe throws a party at beginning of every school year, and I'm probably invited here because:One- I've known Christina since we were kids and our mothers are somehow still friends, despite the huge difference between them.Two - I sometimes help their whole group with homework, including Max (he's hopeless, by the way).Three- well, I think there's no three."Chris, finally" she's suddenly surrounded by her girlfriends, hugging her, complimenting her eyeliner. Too much perfume, skin –lotion fruity scents, and brand outfits."Hi, Eva. You look nice!" one of them - Jodie - says. They're either making fun of me, or we've come later than I thought and they're drunk already."I'll go grab a soda," I tell Chris and leave them.I'm
Kyle"Guys- this is Nathan". Jared announces and pats the new guy's shoulder. "He moved here from Winchester. Right?""Manchester, " Nathan replies super seriously with an exaggerated accent. We all laugh and I can't help but think he seems like a cool guy."Oh, right. Sorry.""No worries. Even I forget where I am or where I come from sometimes."I heard Christina talking about the two new guys the other day, so that must be Jeremy's brother."Do you play hockey too?" I ask."Nay. I'm not a very good team player. I do some kickboxing, though. I mean I did back home. But yeah, not much anyway. ""That's cool. ""Well, it explains the tattoos. Is that even legal?" someone asks."How does that explain tatts, man?""I don't know, kinda part of the style.""You're so dumb, Mike.""Wanna try my uppercut, Tylor?'"What? Go to hell, Jazz""Why don't you...."They keep fooling around and I look at Nathan's arms. He's wearing a plain white T-shirt which allows me to see they are mostly covered
Jeremy"You look terrible, " Christina tells me when she comes to sit with me and Eva in the cafeteria before going to PE. The cafeteria's become our usual spot for hanging out because we can talk shit and no one will hush us the way they would if we were in the library. The only disadvantage is I can't smoke in here- I mean I tried and Chris and Eva were going to kill me.I'm finishing my third coffee and that better be my last one as I'm starting to get restless. Eva's struggling with the package of her second Reese's bar and I'm pretty sure she has at least two more in her backpack."And you're exceptionally pretty today," I reply and lean back in my chair. I'm sure she's torn between thanking me and checking whether today she looks better than she normally does. She's most likely opted for the first since she still asks"Yeah, what happened to you?""I studied for the test all night. Maths can be very damaging." Eva laughs but Christina's oblivious to the joke. Instead, she only c
EvaOn days like this, I feel my skin too tight. Unfitting. I want to rip it completely off, throw it away, run out from it free. But I can't, because I'm trapped.It's like the sky's so heavy that it keeps pressing me closer to the ground. Breathing gets harder by the second. There's this huge snake, wrapped around my chest, tightening its hold more and more. I choke on all the thoughts, suddenly flooding my mind. Why can't I turn them off, or slow them down?Words go unspoken, unheard. They get stuck in my throat. I need to scream into the empty, open-air, but all sounds dissolve into the vacuum of the dark void, surrounding me. My mind's vibrating so loud that I have the urge to put my hands on my ringing ears and silence it. I'm getting dizzy with the overwhelming feeling of fear. The impending doom, hanging over me.What's scarier is I don't know where all this is coming from. Or why. It's invisible, but I know it's there. It's like you're dying, but you aren't. It's what a hea
Kyle "Are you taking the medications I prescribed, McDavid?" The team's doctor inquires dead serious and looks at me from behind his desk, glasses pushed down low on the tip of his nose. "Nah, Doc. It's not that bad anymore. " I'm tying my shoelaces as quickly as I can, I can't wait to leave because I hate all those cabinets. The last time I did my checkup he gave me some kinds of painkillers, I don't remember the name and I don't care about them. I know most of the guys on the team take them, especially Jared, but it's not for me. The pills helped me with the pain, but they were also making me sleepy. I couldn't feel much, not just pain. Anything. And even if it sounds funny- I hated that. It was as if I was out of control, even of the discomfort. So I simply stopped taking them eventually. "You tore an adductor a few weeks ago, boy, "Doc continues, "it looks better than last time I checked, but you can't have fully recovered by now. Especially considering how serious the injury
EvaWe finish earlier on Fridays, so we hang out after school with Chloe and Chris. Jeremy and Max came with us too, but Max has a game later and can't stay much. Jeremy turned out to be way more patient than me when explaining Victorian Classics, although he didn't look like it at first. I'm heading home, it's almost 4 pm -mom should still be at work.Rudy's wandering around, so she comes my way and gives me the usual sniff and a lick on the hand."Did I pass the security check for today?"I scratch her behind the ears and once she's had enough, I'm good to go. I put the key in the locker and discover the door's open. Then I see the shoes my mom went out with this morning. I go inside and see her lying on the couch, covered under a blanket. You've got to be kidding me."Mom?" Don't tell me she got fired again. "Hey, Mom? Are you ok?"She pokes her head out of the cover and says, her voice hoarse. "I don't feel very well so they let me go home for the day.""Just for today?"I know I
"Fucking finally, " Jared says as we come in and kisses Christina. She pulls back, although I see she's not pissed off."Are you drunk already?" Chris makes a face at him and he leans towards her again for another smooch."We won, baby."While I'm wondering how come she forgave him for everything he did to her, I see Nathan.Right. He is here. Nathan's lying on the ground, his elbow propped on one of the cushions scattered around. I've always thought the huge living room Max's parents have is too-hippie decorated, but that's the first time I kind of like it. He's smoking and the two girls sitting next to him are giggling about something. Max's sitting cross-legged opposite them, strumming something on his guitar. Both his parents are musicians and I have no idea why he's on the team, but he seems to be very bad at music, so hockey was probably the only other option he had for an extracurricular activity. They're talking about something and I struggle to hear what it is when Nathan's
EvaThey had a private teacher...Jeremy's never mentioned what kind of family they come from, but everyone knows everything about anyone here. The first information that was quickly spread was the fact their father's business was among the most successful ones internationally. The second talks were vivid descriptions of the huge house by the lake they'd bought.I look back at Nathan, and I know I could've asked about how he finds the place, or whatever. But for some reason I say."Is this what you want to do? Play?""No, that's just to pass the time now.""But you're so good.""I just had a lot of time to practice, especially in the past year."I put my hair behind my ear and look ahead."Jeremy mentioned it. I'm sorry- I mean- he didn't say why or anything, just that you skipped a year.""It's fine, I don't hide it. I just spent a year off school. ""Okay...""I don't regret it, though." he says, casually. I was sure he wouldn't continue talkig to me, but he does. "I had more time t