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Who I Am
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Let Me In Telling Dad
EvieI slowly dressed, reaching for the zipper that ran up the side of the blue gown I was wearing to my father’s award ceremony. My arms felt heavy and my fingers felt like they didn’t want to work. The very last thing I wanted to do was get dressed up. My heart was broken. It literally felt broken in my chest. I stepped in front of the mirror and grimaced when I saw my puffy eyes and pale complexion.Tonight was going to require extra makeup. I didn’t want my father to see my suffering. Tonight was his night. I would not ruin it for him. I would sit at his table, a place of honor, and smile. I would drink champagne and make small talk with the other people seated at our table. I would play the gracious daughter and make my father proud.I carefully put on my makeup, hiding the dark circles under my eyes and doing my best to make my complexion look bright and healthy. I left my hair down and put on some very simple jewelry. It took every ounce of energy I had to get ready. All I want
Let Me In Gone
EvieThat was unexpected. “He doesn’t want me around. He made that very clear.”“Make him want you. He needs you. He doesn’t know it, but he does. He will push you away. I pushed everyone away. I didn’t want anyone to see me as weak. I refused to cry. I thought if I cried, it made me weak. It took me a very long time to come to terms with my grief. It was actually your mother who helped me to see it wasn’t my fault. Things happen. I had this idea in my head I was some kind of powerful creature capable of fighting fate. Your Xander is very much the same. He’s stubborn and bullheaded and he has the same mindset. He thinks he can do anything. This is going to be a blow.”My dad had never opened up to me. He had never been so honest with his feelings. I leaned forward and hugged him. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that.”“I’ve coped. Now, it’s time for you to help him cope.”“I don’t know how to do that.”“Go to him.”“Not right now,” I told him.He smiled. “No, right now, I’d
Let Me In I'm Done
Xander I stared up at the ugly ceiling with the plain tiles. There was a hint of yellowing in one corner. It was to be expected in an environment like this, I supposed. I wasn’t going to panic and demand another hotel room. I didn’t care enough to move.I’d made it to Oregon the day before and had yet to leave the hotel. I wasn’t sure what I was doing there. My dad would not be pleased to see me. The moment of kindness, if it could be called that when he called to inform me of my brother’s death, would be fleeting. I knew that as much as I knew the wind would be blowing at the beach.The ringing of a phone disturbed the total quiet in the room. At first, I assumed it was coming from the room next to mine or above mine. Then I remembered it was my new phone with a ringtone I wasn’t quite used to. The damn thing had been ringing pretty steadily since this morning.I knew why. I’d fucked up. I’d blown off the meeting. It was an important meeting, but it wouldn’t have changed my life, ex
Let Me In Go Away
XanderIt was time to face the very thing I came to Oregon to deal with. I was putting it off, but that wasn’t going to make it go away. I grabbed the keys to the rental car I picked up at the airport in Portland and drove out to my father’s modest house near the beach.I knocked on the door, feeling an acidic burn low in my belly. When he finally opened the door, I immediately regretted my decision to show up unannounced. He was drunk. I could smell the alcohol coming off him in waves. His eyes were bloodshot, and it didn’t look like he had showered in days. I doubted he had. Probably not since he got the news.“Dad,” I said, unsure of what to expect from him.“What the fuck are you doing here?” he asked.I shrugged. “What do you think I’m doing here?”“You shouldn’t have come.”He walked away from the front door. I followed him into the house and watched as he poured a glass of straight Jack before taking a drink.“I came to help with the funeral arrangements,” I said.He scoffed. “
Let Me In Felon
EvieI cleaned myself up after discovering Xander’s absence, but I was still a mess. I found myself randomly bursting into tears for no good reason. Half the time I didn’t even know what I was crying about.I just felt fried. My nerves were raw. Every little thing made me cry for no good reason. I stubbed my toe on a chair leg and I burst into tears. I looked at the ocean and I cried. I felt as if I was grieving the loss of not just Kade but Xander.I’d lost him. I’d lost the man I cared for and someone I considered to be a good friend, a companion.I wanted to help Xander. I wanted to know he was okay. I was terrified for him. I hated to think he was alone. I was imagining all kinds of things. I did have an active imagination. It was why I was so good at my job. In this situation, that imagination was not working well for me. I pictured him alone in a dark room, sad and distraught and hating himself.I knew the relationship between him and his father was strained. Who did he have to
Let Me In Not Easy
EvieNelle had no idea. “And now he’s gone. He wants nothing to do with me. He’s gone and that’s that.”She rolled her eyes. “And you’re just going to give up?”“He’s made his feelings abundantly clear.”“Would you want him to give up if the situation was reversed?”“What do you mean?” I asked.“Would you want him to be there for you if you lost someone important in your life? Imagine you lost your father. Can you imagine getting through it without him to lean on?”That hit home. “No. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t want to be alone, but it’s different.”“He might not know what it’s like to have someone. He doesn’t know what he’s missing.”I groaned. “But I can’t make him want my help.”“Evie, I know you, like really, really know you. You broke into the man’s house, and now you’re going to throw up your hands and walk away? That does not sound like you. Pity Party, party of one, sitting right here.”“I’m not giving up, but I’m not going to make things worse for him.”“Oh, you mean by being the
Let Me In The Funeral
XanderI parked the rental car on the opposite side of the street from the funeral home. I got out and leaned against the driver’s side door. A steady stream of mourners made their way inside. I had spotted my dad’s car when I drove by the first time. He was one of the first to arrive. Technically, I was first but I never stopped the car. I had been circling the funeral home for an hour.I couldn’t bring myself to go inside. It wasn’t like I would be viewing his body. There would be a big picture of him smiling.No, that wasn’t right. My father would have chosen a photo of him in his uniform. His celebration of life would be more of a celebration of his military career, something I was not a part of. I didn’t understand a lot of it. I certainly didn’t share in the joy of being a military man.A young woman wearing a very small black dress openly sobbed. I didn’t recognize her. Hell, I didn’t recognize most of the people making their way into the home. I didn’t feel like I belonged. I
Let Me In Here for You
Xander“I know him quite well,” Evie said calmly.“Don’t,” I warned when he opened his mouth. “You can hate me. You can say what you want about me, but she does not deserve your hatred.”He shot me one last glare but didn’t get a chance to say anything nasty. Someone approached him to offer their condolences, freeing me from being trapped in a back and forth with him. Evie led me away.The moment I stepped through the doors into the packed chapel area, I saw Kade’s picture on a massive screen above a platform that was littered with flower arrangements. I didn’t move. I stared at the picture of him smiling and wearing his BDUs.It felt like he was looking directly at me. My heart lurched as I looked into my brother’s smiling eyes. A sound escaped my throat.Evie dropped my hand and put an arm around my shoulders. With a strong but gentle force, she began to lead me down the aisle toward the front row.“No,” I said, pulling back. “Not there.”“You are family. You should sit in the front
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