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your lifeguard
“ God, I don't know what I am doing-Crap.” I uttered to myself as I stared at the ceiling questioning myself with my abilities.
I just don't know what to write anymore. I just kept on hitting the backspace again and again. Then would read some books, writing and reading are the twins, but I just can't find the right words to say. I somehow feel writing isn't for me. This is crazy- I got the energy to write, but the page is still blank.
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I can feel my eyes stinging. Then tears just fall down to my cotton shirt, making my chest feels heavy. I immediately wiped my tears as someone knocked in my door. I looked myself at the mirror and checked my eyes if it is too obvious. The mirror said I look fine. Then I took a deep breathe and walked to the entrance.
I opene
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Living And Dying just breathe
I run quickly after I heard some screaming. It was loud and miserable-a scream that gave me goosebumps even though I am already used to it.“Here we go again.” Tim mumbled to himself as he washed the cups. He smirked at me and shrugged his shoulders.I opened the door and saw how the girl cried while holding a book. Her tears streaming down, and her feet- stomping on the floor. I glanced at Grandpa worriedly and talk to him by the eye asking him what happen. He shake his head no and other customers are glancing at the young lady, too.I took a deep breath and courageously took series of steps to the girl's direction. I cleared my throat first to take her attention but she seems fully concentrated while reading the book. “Uhm, can I talk to you for awhile?” I uttered with the
Living And Dying with feeling alive.
The room was perfect white when I opened my eyes. From the ceiling, to the walls, and to my hospital dress. The last thing I could remember was when I saw blood in the handkerchief and how the medical apparatus were being attached to me.The doctors examined my lungs, asked me a lot of questions- the ones you can't answer with a yes or a no. There was a thing called PET, MRI, CT scans and X-rays to see if there are abnormal mass. In my case, I know it's worst than what you'll expect since the tumor already spread in my spinal cord which is the cause of my back pains.I don't want to hear the truth.I'm trying to tell myself it was just overfatigue or anything caused by stress. I'm trying to act strong and unaffected- I am dying inside. Little by little, pieces by pieces. It's like my planets are getting attacked with giant asteroids without
Living And Dying It's enough for now.
The clock says 6:30 a.m.. Tim was sleeping in the sofa while Grandpa's on the folding bed. Miss Mia left yesternight to keep a track on her eldest daughter, and me-the sick kid who can't be part of the next decades.I felt guilt everytime I see them exchanging thoughts about where they would sleep or who would do this and that. And I can't do anything you about it. I don't want them to worry too much about me. I just want to hit rewind and stop time and stay at the moment where we are all celebrating life.I already told the doctor that I don't want to undergo any treatment. At first, he was trying to convince me that surgeries, chemotherapies are the best for me. Until I told him my side. I remembered how he took a deep sigh and spoke to me, ' Live your days. I'm happy to meet you in this lifetime.' And honestly, it hurts like hell. He is just
Living And Dying Stay.
We stayed here in the rooftop of the hospital while Grandpa and Miss Mia are talking health business with the doctors. Before we left the room, they are already having a conversation, and I saw how Grandpa wiped his tears- it made my heart shattered into million pieces. But then when he saw me, he gave me smile that hides his pain and it took me to a higher level of me sobbing internally.The atmosphere was caliginous, adding affection to my soul. The only thing I could hear is the sift evening whispers and my trouble breathing.“ Everything happens so fast, right? It's like.. just a glimpse and then everything went blank.. Feels like.. you almost finish your painting then suddenly... someone throw black at it then.. it's- it's dark.” I spoke softly breaking the defeaning silence while hugging my knees and my eyes are darted in the s
Living And Dying to the countryside
Morning air, the sound of my alarm clock with my heart ready to conquer the day, the music track in the stall, the quotes beside the plates and teapots-are the things I am longing for. The things that kept me alive.I closed the curtain by the window for the last time. We're leaving again. I suddenly felt lump in my throat as I walked through the door. It already looked like the first time I entered this four-cornered room. The lonely pillows, the chair in my reading corner, and the succulents in the table-little things that will remind me of how painful and amazing I've been through.I took a series of deep breaths as I scan the my now empty room. My things are already packed up. We left the hospital three days ago and now I am leaving the apartment with Tim. As I closed the door, I felt like I am closing another chapter of my life. Tim patted my
Living And Dying welcome home.
We traveled long enough until the only scenery that I could see from the window are trees.The tall buildings are slowly disappearing from the view, and my music being played in the van turned to ballad from rock. I couldn't fall asleep because I don't want to miss a single second of this travel... might be the last.“Are we still far away?” I asked Grandpa for the nth time. He's the only one awake aside from me.He glanced at me in the rearview mirror and gave me a gentle smile. “ Almost home.”I took a deep breath and rub my chest using my left palm as I felt a sudden pain. My eyes stayed still in the road we passed by. I felt like I'm having trouble breathing again. My lungs are really the worst of all the worst.“ Oh, gosh.” I mumbled as
Living And Dying I'll rather die.
“I felt like we're already living in a forest...like in the most beautiful way.” I uttered and sip my green tea which taste the worst but the best for my dumb body.Tim nodded and smiled looking at the view outside. Just people passing by with breads on their hands, or children running early in the morning, and the sound of the birds chirping- it made me feel alive. I took my cardigan from the chair beside me and wore it.“Where are you going, young lady?“ Tim asked.Since yesterday he's been calling me 'young lady' or would reply to me with words like 'my pleasure'. I couldn't count how many times I'd punch him because of that.“I want to visit the tree when you cross the lake, I found it really pretty. Gotta go. I'll be back-”
Living And Dying listen to me.
Should I wake him up?Should I go outside?Am I dying tonight?Should I just wait for the sun again?“Ugh, this kind of old drama again.”I mumbled to myself and sat down on the side of my bed again and took a deep sigh. It's freaking three in the morning and no single sign of sleepiness showed up. It's been a long time since insomnia hugged me. I've been walking back in forth here in my small room. I kept my moves quietly because the wall is thin, I might wake him up. I don't know what to do anymore. Insomnia and panic attack at the same time is the worst combination ever.I stood up again and walked through the door. I nervously twisted the doorknob with trembling hands. A deafening silence covered the whole area of
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