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46| Bruises
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Toxic Paradise 47| Midnight Chats
"Oh my god, Ryan, why did you pick this movie?" I said, cuddling further into his side.When Alec had mentioned doing a movie outdoors, I was hoping for a nice comedy. Instead, Ryan had decided to bring home The Conjuring, which was shaping out to be just about the scariest movie I'd ever seen, and it had just barely started."Oh come on, don't be such a wienie," he teased.I scoffed, turning my attention to our surroundings rather than looking at the screen. It was a clear night with a starry sky. The guys had set up the projector so that the movie was playing onto a large white sheet. I was seated on the patio couch beside Ryan while Alec hung out in an arm chair to my left. The blue and orange flames danced wildly across the glass stones as the wind began to pick up around us.I shivered and pulled the blanket up so that it covered my shoulders. It had been warm earlier with the fire, but now that the wind started up, I regretted not bringing a sweatshirt out here with me. Ryan had
Toxic Paradise 48| Nightmares and Admissions (pt. 1)
Since we had our movie night, things had been very calm around the house. Alec and Ryan had nothing but pleasant interactions, and as for Alec and I... well... we hadn't really had any conversations of substance. He still knew how to push my buttons just as I knew how to push his, but it seemed the toxicity of feeling like I needed to compete with him had vanished.Still, I wished we could have finished the conversation that we started in the kitchen the other night. I had feelings for Alec. I knew that, and I was now willing to admit it to myself. But, I was dying to know if he had feelings for me as well. And... if he did... how would we move forward? How would it impact my relationship with Ryan?I flopped down onto my bed, pulling my thick duvet up over my shoulders. Ryan and I took it easy today, heading to the beach to tan and play in the waves. Alec didn't join us. He said he had to get some work done, and he had been shut in his room with Nelson all day. Either way... it had
Toxic Paradise 49| Nightmares and Admissions (pt. 2)
"Do you want to know the reason I left my family?" Alec asked, his voice a whisper in the darkness. "You're willing to tell me?" I questioned. This was definitely something I'd been dying to know, but I didn't think Alec would ever open up about it. Even Ryan wasn't sure why Alec left."I know how you feel about abandonment, and I don't want you to think I just abandoned my family without good cause," he explained."If you want to share, I'm definitely here to listen," I encouraged.He took a breath. "Okay. Well, I'm not sure what you all know about my family, but we're pretty well off. My dad is a CEO and a total hard ass. But, he was always way harder on me than he was on Ryan. Nothing I did would ever please him; in fact, he would go out of his way to degrade me. I didn't get it at first. I would try so hard to make him proud, and he just turned his back on me every chance he got. I'm not sure Ryan ever even noticed."I squeezed Alec's hand in mine, trying to provide him with a li
Toxic Paradise 50| Caught (pt. 1)
Waking up the next morning wasn't nearly as peaceful as my slumber had been. "What the fuck is this!?" An angry voice drifted to me, pulling me violently from my sleep. It only took me a second to recognize the voice belonged to Ryan, and only another second to realize what he was referring to. Sunlight was streaming into my room and illuminating the fact that Alec was still in my bed... shirtless... with an arm around me.Oh shit...I sat up immediately, pushing myself away from Alec. "Ryan! It's uh... I swear it's not what it looks like..." I lamely tried to explain. "I think it's exactly what it looks like," he sneered before turning and leaving the room, slamming the door behind him. I had never heard him sound so angry… and hurt. Not even during the times when I overheard him arguing with Alec."Oh god..." I groaned, placing my head in my hands. I fucked up. Alec and I hadn't slept together, but it still looked really bad. I could only imagine what Ryan was thinking of me now
Toxic Paradise 51| Caught (pt. 2)
“Ryan, I'm so, so sorry," I cried. I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I couldn't focus on anything other than my overwhelming guilt as the tears spilled over.Ignoring me, he took a step into my room, still hovering near the doorway. "Are you leaving?"I nodded. "I thought you would want me to..."It was like he didn't know what to say to this. He just stood there, staring at my suitcase with a look of contemplation on his face; like he wasn't sure whether he wanted me here or not. And let me tell you, the fact that I was the one responsible for the hurt look on his face cracked my heart in half. I was such a terrible person. No wonder everyone leaves. "Ryan, please let me explain," I squeaked out when he didn't say anything. It made me so sad that he wasn't talking with me; I really hadn't meant to hurt him. Everything I had done to try and push down my feelings for Alec was all so that I wouldn't hurt Ryan. The guilt consumed me again as more tears spilled from my eyes."There's
Toxic Paradise 52| It’s a Date
Ryan and I sat together on the couch. I was relieved that our initial conversation was over, and he said that we were good, but that didn't stop me from feeling kind of awkward as we tried to focus on our movie. It was one I hadn't seen before, and honestly, I couldn't tell you what was happening in it. I also caught Ryan looking over at me several times throughout, like he wanted to say something, but then he changed his mind."Ask me anything, Ryan. I promise no more hiding things from you," I encouraged.He nodded, and it was like this invitation just opened the floodgates to all my thoughts and feelings from the beginning. "When did this whole thing start between you two?" He started.This was a hard question. I took a moment to gather my thoughts before answering, running my fingers up and down my water glass in a nervous gesture. "Um... that's a hard question because my feelings were so complicated, and I tried to push them down for so long because of everything you told me abo
Toxic Paradise 53| Jitters
"Eeeeeeeee!" Maddie screeched into my phone. "Shhhh, Maddie! His room is literally right next door!" I whisper-shouted to her. I was getting ready for my first technical date with Alec, and was feeling super nervous about it. So naturally, I called my best friend for support. "Sorry, I'm just really excited for you guys! The kiss sounds so romantic, and now he wants to take you on a date? This is the stuff of true love stories," she gushed.I shook my head. "Don't get ahead of yourself. I still don't know what this is. Alec has told me that he doesn't do girlfriends, so we really need to talk tonight about what that means for us." "Well, maybe he didn't do girlfriends in the past because he hadn't met you yet," she said. I let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a snort, "You're too much of a romantic." "Maybe," she agreed. "You used to be too."I sighed. I supposed David had ruined that part of me; the part that believed in a happy ending. Or maybe that part was never real
Toxic Paradise 54| Not Some Cliche
As Alec and I entered the restaurant, we were met with the smiling faces of 2 hostesses who were all too eager to greet us; or Alec, I supposed. He told them our names and we were immediately walked through the restaurant to our table. This restaurant was nice, and it was completely indoors, unlike the beach bars and outdoor restaurants we had been going to. I was happy to eat inside tonight though, as I knew I'd be chilly outside without a jacket. Inside was a nice temperature, with a dimly lit dining area speckled with candles on each table. It looked like your classic supper club, and I loved it.Alec pulled my chair out for me, and I sat down as he pushed it in towards the table. Once he had a seat, I was left feeling nervous again. Last time I had gone on a dinner date, I was dumped. "What are you thinking about?" Alec asked, settling in on the chair beside me. "Just about how cute this place is," I lied, not wanting to disclose my thoughts."Yeah," he agreed, "It's one of my
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