My heart kept on pounding against my ribcage like a crazy prisoner that wanted freedom.
For the first time since I was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, I have never felt real pain like what I was feeling.
The agony of seeing Bilen on the floor, his arms spread out and one of his legs twisted in an unholy angle and his eyes wide open and devoid of life while thick crimson blood pooled beneath his head, made me so angry to the extent that tears began rolling my cheek.
The metallic smell of the blood mixed with exhaust of cars filled my nostrils. Without thinking, I crashed down beside Bilen and cradled his head on my laps as tears streamed down my face. I blocked out the panic and shouts around me, while I begged Bilen to wake up and stop this unnecessary prank.
I slapped his cheek with what little strength I had in me. I could not believe what was happening right now and it all felt like my fault.
"Bilen, please wake up let's go home," I cried, cradling him as he stared at me with his eyes wide open.
There was no response from him, not even a blink of his eyes. He must have been scared and in a lot of anguish while he fell. I looked up at where people claimed he fell and saw that balcony was really high and someone…must have seen something.
It was as if Bilen was already dead before I came to meet him and as soon as the paramedics arrived, I was pushed aside and I watched as they put him inside a body bag like a fucking Christmas present. Another scream escaped my lungs when my brother was wheeled away into the ambulance and the cops cleared everyone out and taped the scene.
I stood alone in the crowd, watching the red and blue lights of the ambulance reflect everywhere. Words failed me and the only thing that was in my mouth was my brother's name. "Bilen." Just then it occurred to me that Bilen did not come alone to this party, just to wound up dead.
I pushed around the dispersing crowd, trying to find my nemesis and it was as if I was lost in a sea of confusion. "Orion!" I screamed his pathetic name, anger seeping through my bones like a volcano that was about to erupt.
It was not even my fault Bilen fell to his death. He did not even know that I was in the party and I hadn't seen him. He came here with Orion, that bastard and now, my brother was on his way to the morgue, while Orion was God knows where.
"Orion!!" I shouted one more time, hoping he would pop out and surrender himself to me.
A female officer approached me with a sad smile. "Ma'am, you need to leave this place, this is a crime scene." She directed me outside the tape and I just wanted to push her away.
I shook my head, trying to conceal my pain. "I need to find Orion." It was none of my business if she knew who he was or not. I just wanted to find him and beat the hell out of him for allowing Bilen to fall.
"Orion Blackwood? He has been taken in for questioning. Is he your family?" God forbid bad thing.
I shook my head. "My brother was the victim. I just need to find Orion."
"Ma'am, I am seriously sorry for your loss, but you need to leave so as not to taint the crime scene," she said, touching my shoulder.
I shrugged her hand off me, my eyes turning to slits. "Don't touch me. I will stay here and wait for Orion."
"Then I'll have to arrest you."
Bilen's blood wouldn't be the only one spilled on the floor tonight.
There was nothing to tell my grandparents when I get home, that is if they have not heard the news already and I'll have so much explaining to do even though I was not there when it happened.
"Was it suicide or murder?" I questioned the officer, trying to calm myself down and save my energy for Orion.
"It is inconclusive at the moment," the officer answered, guiding me to a sitting area that was filled with people.
I had nothing else to say except whoever caused Bilen's death would pay blood for blood and I don't care if I reach my downfall.
From where I sat, I watched people run helter skelter like sheep without shepherds. A thousand and one thoughts were running through my mind like horses left to race in a rodeo. I wanted to find something to do before I go home and tell my grandparents that Bilen…was no more.
No one paid attention to me because I was kind of invisible. For so long, I have been hiding in the shadows of Bilen and now that he was now a memory of shadow and dust, this is time for me to step up and give him eternal rest.
"My God, Zamani!" I whipped my head to the voice and wondered who really knew me as to call my name sympathetically. Not surprising, the person I have been looking for staggered towards me.
It was hard to control my anger and the moment Orion got to me, I jolted up and pounced on him like a mad woman, slapping his perfectly shaped face. He did not even stop me, he just stood and watched as I kept on slapping him. Fresh set of tears rolled down my face and it was all Orion's fault. I grabbed him by the collar and now, people were gathering.
"Where were you?" I screamed at him. Orion shook his head, as tears streaked down his face. I was hurt all over again. "Why were you not with Bilen?"
Orion stared at me with those piercing green eyes that I seem to hate. He was perfect in all sense and was the world's definition of normal, while I was a freak. "Zamani," he whispered, holding my wrists. "I'm sorry, Zam."
"Why did you leave, Bilen? You should have been the one to fall," I screamed at the top of my voice. Orion deserved to be in Bilen's position and it angered me that he was here, holding me like we were friends and we didn't have our differences.
"I'm sorry, Zam," he said, as he wrapped his arms around me, giving me warmth in this cold night. "I'm sorry about Bilen."
My creature purred at the closeness of Orion and there was a tug in my heart that dragged the iron bars of toxicity and threatened to tear it apart. I was beginning to fall into a stupid trance and comfort that seemed to come with Orion whenever he was around me.
I hated him with every inch of me, however, he had an effect on my inner creature that longed for him. It was that creature that called out for him, while I wanted to kill him here and now.
"Let's get you home, Zam."
I was empty, sad and upset. Everyone who knew Bilen were on black and my mind was as black as night because I tried so hard to feel fine, but there was a hole drilling in my mind and it needed to be filled with something, even if it costed me to raise hell and watch the world burn. Seeing my grandparents in turmoil unequivocally broke my heart because no matter how old they were, they loved Bilen more than anything in the world. I also loved my brother even though there are times I wanted to wipe his smile off. My head was heavy and throbbing like I have been hit by a thousand pounds linebacker and my heart was bleeding the color black like the exact color of dress I was wearing. I squeezed my eyes shut to try to send the thoughts that were gathered, away, but it proved abortive. I have never felt a great unrest like this before and I am stuck with a gnarly inkling that whoever murdered Bilen was closer to me, lurking in the shadows. Stepping into the church triggered a lot of emot
I was on my own, wallowing in an intensifying misery. If only I was bulletproofed and void of any emotions, I would be good. But I wasn’t. I had feelings. I was no Hawaiian porcelain doll or a robot, but then there are some robots that have feelings.Doing one thing over and over was making me sick and mentally dying of boredom. I failed to attend lectures because the last time I went to school, there was a shrine at the entrance of the faculty for Bilen Araya and it got me upset seeing the colorful hearts people drew for my brother, knowing it was all fake love.A knock at the main door caught my attention and I wondered who chose to disturb my peace this hot afternoon. Leaving what I was doing, I left my room and sauntered to the door. I did not bother to check who was at the other side.I swung the door open with annoyance and I was immediately taken aback when I saw who stood there with a police badge. "Miss Araya?" Monty stared at me in disbelief like he was surprised to see me.
Let go of the light and fall in to the dark side. In as much as I was a sociopath, I really wanted to feel. I wanted someone to love me and want me, however, that was a big dream that was so out of reach.For so long, I have basked in solitude and thrived in chaos, but I don't want that anymore. I wanted to feel the company of someone else now that Bilen was no longer here to counter me and keep my behavior in check. I missed my brother so much.Although Monty was my new found acquaintance, something told me he was trying his best to step back from me since he was the detective in charge of the case of Bilen's murder.The school atmosphere was not really conducive for me and the moment I finished lectures for the day, I found my way home in order to relax my mind. When I got to my front door, I searched for my key to unlock the door. However, my key wouldn't budge in the lock and it became unsettling.Grabbing the knob, and turning the key, there was no pressure in the door. I steppe
I could not believe what was happening to me.The fire that I loved so much was burning me dangerously, scorching my skin with its flames and I was screaming in agony as each spark seared my flesh. I did not know where I was or what was happening, all I knew was that this wasn't my happy place.I was in hell.I continued screaming as the fire seared my flesh. I was burning and no matter how loud I cried, there was no one around who could come to my rescue. My whole self was disappearing into the flames and for the first time, I was over powered by fear."Zamani!"I grabbed my sheets tightly with my fists when I heard my name echo in the furnace. Maybe someone was here to help me."Zamani!!"There was a loud bang somewhere. I instantly felt the cold touch of my savior pulling me out of the fire. A loud gasp escaped my mouth as soon as I opened my eyes with force and was met with Orion staring down at me with concern in his eyes."Zamani, are you okay?" He questioned, caressing my face.
"There is something wrong with you, Zamani. It is obvious. I can see it and I see the way you try so hard to find relief in pain.""You don't see me, Orion." The tears I have been holding back threatened to spill and there was no absolute way I will cry in the presence of Orion.He moved closer to me and lifted my chin up. "I see you, Zamani.""No." I whipped my head away from him, as tears began streaming down my face. "You don't know me."He turned my face towards him as he leaned closer and began kissing my tears. My heart fluttered, as a kaleidoscope of butterflies swirled in my stomach. "I see you, Zamani and I want you even though you don't want me."I fell into his warm embrace as I broke into a train of sobs. "I don't want to live with my grandparents."Orion held me closer to him, not wanting to let go of me and my creature squealed in excitement. "I know, Zamani. It is just for the meantime. Once you get better, I'll make sure to come whisk you away."Orion was filled with l
The car pulled into the long driveway of my grandparents mansion. And I instantly felt a sense of dread."Your grandparents are big shot, huh?" Orion questioned as he turned off the ignition of the car.I sighed and darted my eyes around the compound that was stationed with bodyguards. "It is just show off. Don't read meaning into it."Orion unlocked the car and we stepped out, my luggage in his custody. We approached the front door and my heart started to race when the guard at the door bowed down to me. I felt a slight tremor in my legs."What is with the ceremonial people hanging around the house?" Orion asked.I shook my head, not wanting to spew family secrets to a stranger, however, Orion was family. "When you see my grandmother, who's your best friend, you can ask her.""Are you always sarcastic?" He sneered and I chuckled."Welcome home, Young mistress. Mama Araya has been waiting for you," the guard at the door greeted.There was no familiarity in him whatsoever, so it was sa
To say I was losing my grip was a very big understatement. I mean, have you ever gone through a psych evaluation before where all your answers point to you being a nut-job?I fixed my burning gaze on Dr. Dawit as he kept on assessing my medical file. It's been three years since I left rehab and I don't know why my grandmother and this doctor decided to open old wound. I am totally fine and no one wants to agree with me.Dr. Dawit shifted his gaze from my file and looked up at me, a smile growing on his face. “Zamani, I want you to know that this is a safe space and anything you tell me is between us.”A scoff unknowingly slipped out of my mouth. “So no telling my grandmother anything?”Dr. Dawit nodded. “Client confidentiality. I want you to trust me in order for me to help you.”“Then you must think I'm crazy,” I retorted. I was not having any of this. I only agreed to do this so that my grandmother and Orion would roll off my back. I owe no one sanity.Dr. Dawit shook his head, a sm
“Christ Zamani!” I jolted up from the toilet seat when the door to the stall flung open and I was met with my grandmother’s stern look. The lighter in my custody felt the need to fall off my hand at that particular moment and everything around me told me that I was screwed.Words were stuck on my tongue as I stared from my grandmother to the lighter on the floor, and then back to my grandmother.“See, I told you that she loses her grip whenever Bilen is mentioned.” A familiar voice resonated from a distance and my legs were forced to start moving.I walked past my grandmother, slamming my shoulder against hers in the process in order to have a word with the traitor, but grandmother dragged me back and before I could say anything, her palm landed on my face.I held my face as tears threatened to spill.“How could you, Zamani? I gave you the benefit of the doubt, but this…this is the last straw,” she spoke in an angry tone as her eyes became glossy. “Even with a psychiatrist, you still