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T w e n t y - t h r e e
I'm standing in the curve waiting for the big red Dodge my dad drives, it has been fifteen minutes, and I'm starting to get desperate. There's also the unforgettable presence of him around me. I thought I had gotten rid of the way he made me feel, the way he abandoned me, but it is all there. I tried clutching my hands to the sides to avoid doing that thing I used to do whenever I felt the piercing ache in my chest. Is all coming back, bits and pieces, good memories and the bad one, that one night.
I feel my phone vibrate once more in my back pocket, and I ignore it too. I know is Beck wondering why I haven't replied to his texts. I was about to, but then I didn't want to. I'm having mixed feelings and all because of one single picture. I'm pretty sure he must be laying down on some beach at some exotic place with a beautiful woman with bee-stung lips and curves for days. That image alone makes me angry. All I can do is pull my baseball cap even lower, to the point where I c
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Baby T w e n t y - f o u r
I have half-moons in the palms of my hands and can't help but stare at them; I don't remember making a fist so hard that my nails cut through the skin, and now I can see a little red in the tiny marks. I must have pressed for a long time since some parts of my palms are ghostly white while the others are ruby red. He's talking to me. I'm sure he is. His mouth is moving, his eyes keep staring at me, but I hear nothing, there's a buzzer in my head, and I can't understand a word. He still looks as good as I remember. Three years have changed nothing but to make him more tractive. At least I find him more than before. He photographs well, so it is not that; maybe having him in front of me is different. "What are you doing here?" I blurt out before I can stop myself. And I mean here on a train and not some limo or private jet. As soon as it hits me, the talk a
Baby T w e n t y - f i v e
""You left her lock up in a bathroom three years ago." Just like I wanted, my voice came out flat and without feeling. Of course, I didn't want him to think I still cared. It seemed that my words struck home; he shifted uncomfortably in his seat while I took back my cap and pulled it down, covering my hair. "You left," I repeated again and continued to hold his gaze, knowing quite well that I wasn't as strong as I was making him believe that if he hadn't looked away first, I was seconds away from breaking. It did cross my mind once or twice that I could burst into tears any minute, and I for sure was an ugly crier. The awkward silence that followed opened up the overthinking gates and the what-ifs. Relieving the past never got me anything, yet just by a few exchanges of words, I remembered everything, every word, that one kiss. How was it possible that I couldn't shake him off after years?
Baby T w e n t y - s i x
He's flat on his back on the mattress while she humps up and down over him like a lunatic while she lets out these awful screeches of pleasure, is all wrong, and as much as I want to stop watching it, I can't, I can't peel myself from this sad attempt of some kind of mediocre porn. The continuous moans, grunts, and the slap of bodies and the thrusting of his untanned ass cheeks, which are ridiculously white because now he has made a quick change to doggy. At least with her, he shows some enthusiasm. For the longest time, I sat there watching them. I'm surprised to notice that instead of being jealous and betrayed, I felt disgusted. A little bit of anger since they were going at it over my new overpriced white duvet. How had then not seen a third person standing watching them? I had no idea, so I did the only thing I was able to do; rap my knuckles at the opposite wall and wait until I was heard or noticed. Both freeze
Baby T w e n t y - s e v e n
I loathed those words as quickly as they left my mouth. Just hours ago, I struggled to keep away and pledged that I would never require or need someone as I did before. Now, I’m squatting on the cool tiled floor of my tiny one-bedroom apartment, expecting a man that had withdrawn himself from my life years ago. “Please,” I urged. Begging time to run faster, praying for Liam to manifest in front of me. “Dolores?” He sounded strange, but soon the noise quieted down, and the surrounding space seemed to open up. “Where are you?” “At my place. My boyfriend is here. I ordered him to leave, and he’s trashing my bedroom. I can make out things breaking.” Knowing the sound of my voice sounds as terrified as I seem. I told him to come ready for anything that might happen and sent him my address in a quick message. I must have stayed inside the bathroom for the longest time until nothing else broke until he got tired. The noises of the night filtered in, and I em
Baby T w e n t y - e i g h t
I'm honestly trying here, making my most exemplary attempt to control my mind, wondering towards the woman who now lives close by I can't understand one word from another. I can't comprehend the summary report I have opened in front of me, and no matter how many times I struggle to read the pie chart, it is just colored with numbers. I guess that the amount in blue means that all is running as steady as it would like. I will be in trouble next week at the quarterly meeting when it is time for me to add something relevant. Someone is going to have to explain this to me. I give up. On my feet once again, I can't control de urge anymore. Every 10 to 15 minutes, I have been checking on her, the last time she had finally fallen asleep, face stained with tears. She's just a little lump on my bed. Elevated by the pillows surrounding her, I can finally see how she looks like while she sleeps. There is no barrier anymore, nothing that stops me from getting closer. Back then,
Baby T w e n t y - n i n e
I've secretly stolen something of his while he was in the room, oblivious to my doing. He was distracted, looking down at his phone while I took his worn shirt and pushed it all the way to the bottom of my small duffel bag. I couldn't quite believe my brazenness and quick actions, but the memento was already in my possession, and it scared me that he found out about it. The minute I sniffed it, my reaction was quicker than I thought. I just stole a dirty shirt, well not dirty it just smelled like him, a wood-like minty scent. All I can think of right now is my bag with a shirt that doesn't belong to me. I still had a chance to put it back. "Weren't you hungry?" I feel as if someone has let go of an elastic band on my brain. The return to reality is quite painful and unsettling. He is, after all, sitting in front of me, gazing at me with a frown. "I yes, sorry." "Go on then, eat, they brought that thing ages ago." He looks down at the untouched plate i
Baby T h i r t y
I'm in bed, his bed, the same bed that I had previously slept on before, but instead of a comfy mattress, all I felt was a rocky surface on my backside. I couldn't lay back and relax; I mean, he could come out any second and find me there, on the bed. His bed. After those words, he implied that I was his property and then forced me to head to the bathroom to prepare for bed. It all felt so weird. I had done it, and of course, I had tried not to, but he was a bully, a big and scary bully. I had a few more minutes until he was done since the water was still running, and then I started imagining him under the warm water; his chest wet, water rolling down his back and down in between his....fingers! JESUS. I couldn't even fantasize about him without my heart getting all wild and crazy. I needed something to keep myself busy, like a game or something. Looking around the room, I remembered I still had my phone. I could text someone, anyone. Lin was my first option as always, and I
Baby T h i r t y - o n e
"He really said that?" "Every single word. I'm telling you he's not playing around this time I had to bite my tongue to stop from screaming at the top of my lungs 'fuck me, fuck me hard'." "Go Westbrook!" "Oh please, you hate his guts." "I hate Beck's. Hold on." There's a bang and a crash; I place the phone back in my lap and tap the speaker option. Jameson is cooking, which means it is all messy but good. He is fantastic with meats but a disaster around the kitchen. They're arguing for a few moments. I considered hanging up, but then I remembered there it's not my minutes. She's the one who called me, so it's on her. I stare at my muted TV and think about the last few days. Is all vivid, the words, the smell, and his touch. I can't help but moan. "So, you have the shirt on?" "Nope," I exhale dramatically. "I'm saving it for later, I'm masturbating furiously tonight." "Fuck, that's hot and too much info by the way." I can hear
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