Elliot pulled on the sleeve of my shirt to lead me in the house and we made sure the doors were locked before going upstairs. We took turns to use the restroom preparing ourselves before getting in bed and the whole time I waited outside my bedroom until Elliot was done because I didn’t want to be alone in my room. I wanted to say that the room felt tense, but I also think that it was just me as we moved to lay down and laid down closer together as we realized that the bed was a bit small. Elliot wrapped his arm around me to hold me closer as I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath, as I tried to remain calm and hoped that I could fall asleep soon.
“Do you want to know what I worry about when I can’t fall asleep?” Elliot asked me as he leaned his head closer towards me and I can feel his fingers brushing across my palm as if trying to get my attention.
“What?” I asked him.
“Before meeting you, I wondered a few times about
Elliot stood up as well. “How was your weekend?” he asked Luis.“Alright,” Luis said as he rubbed the back of his neck and I could see a hint of blush on his cheek.“What did you do?” I asked, curiously.“Well, after the hangout, I spent almost the whole weekend talking with Jennifer.” He started to say and cleared his throat as if he’s unsure how to continue on from there.“Wait, so did this get serious?” I asked him.“Well, no, not like it’s that serious as you think but maybe we might go out when we’re free,” he answered.“Like a date?” Elliot asked.“Yes, but I’m not sure when I should take her out or where to take her,” Luis replied as we started walking inside the building.“Well, I was kind of hoping for all of us to try and hang out again this weekend…” I said, beginning to feel shy
We all started making our way to an ice cream parlor and we got in line. “I know how hard it is coming out and it can be hard when they don’t understand. It’s harder when they don’t want to accept it.”Elliot sighed as he hugged me, “How did it go when telling your mom? You always talk about how it went with your dad, but you never talked about coming out to your mom.”“I never really did. She found out while I was recovering and I’m sure they told her everything after my therapy sessions. I didn’t have to say it to her.” I told them and glanced at Luis. “She was pretty open about it which surprised me, but I think she was just accepting to help me be comfortable around her and also to be living with her.”“How old were you when your parents divorced?” Luis asked.“Um, six, I think,” I tell them as I try to remember. “I was in both of their custody
“The last real friend I had… He knew what was going on between Chris and I so he tried to help me, but I was scared.” I tell Luis. “He was a good friend that wanted to help me and get me out of that abuse, but I got scared that in the end I only pushed him away so that he could give up on me.”“He said that he didn’t mean it.” Elliot cut in and I glanced over at him.“I know, but still,” I mumbled.Turning away as I felt like I’ve shared enough and I wasn’t too sure if I wanted to answer any more questions that Luis might ask me. I think I’ve reached to an extent that I just want to close myself off from saying something that might be viewed wrongly or having to go to details that I’m not comfortable enough to do so.“We still have a bit of time, should we go somewhere? Want to go walking around the pier?” I heard Elliot say.“No,” I answere
I hung up, putting my phone on the side, as I laid down again taking a deep breath, and just tried to clear my mind. For a while, all I heard was my phone ring and I know this time it could be Luis, either trying to call or text me, but I didn’t bother to look at my phone. I reached for my covers to pull it over my face and I honestly wasn’t sure how to feel because it was all just a mixed emotion between frustration, annoyance, disbelief, and more that I don’t want to recall. I laid there for another couple of minutes before sitting up, reached for my keys, as I’m getting out of bed deciding that I’m just going to take a walk. I didn’t want to be alone in the house with these thoughts and I still didn’t want to talk to anyone so I just kept my phone on silent when I stepped outside.I began walking down the block, putting on my headphones, just wanting to be distracted from my thoughts and it seemed like many feet were on autopilot.
It took me a second to find the strength to get up, he wrapped his arm around me, as he began to lead me to his car. I don’t know what was happening because my head felt heavy and I’ve cried so much that I didn’t even know how I could see where I’m walking. Elliot put the seatbelt on me after getting inside his car and he waited for a second to look me over before getting inside the car driving off towards my house. We got out of the car once we arrived then walked to the front door and he searched through my pockets to grab my keys.“I’m sorry.” I began to say once we’re inside the house.Maybe because I’m back in the comfort of my home that made me able to talk, but my emotions began to build up again like I was trying to catch my breath after running a marathon.“For what?” He asked, making our way to my room.“Of what I said. What I felt and all that was going on in my head. I was
I closed my eyes as I rested my head back on his shoulder again and he moved slightly as he grabbed his phone to make the phone call. “Hello… yeah, he’s fine now. He says that he needs you… Okay.” Elliot pauses for a second and talks to me now. “She wants to know if you want to go to the hospital?”I can feel my fingers slowly grab his shirt as if desperately making sure that I’m not being pulled away and I shake my head. “I’m not going to do anything, I promise. I don’t want to go so they can force me to stay by myself.”“He says no… I-I know..” He says as he goes back to talking to my mom. “I’m not sure. Okay, I will.”I can feel Elliot lowering his arm as he hangs up and I open my eyes to look at him. “What did she say?”“She’s coming in… Actually, I had already called her when I made my way to the park and she&r
I didn’t go back inside until I heard his car turned on and I made my way back to my mom’s room laying down beside her pulling the covers over myself. I decided that I wanted to sleep a bit more since it was still early and I believed I slept for another two or three hours when I woke up again and my mom was still laying beside me as she was on her phone.“Mom,” I called her.She put her phone down, “You're finally awake.”“Yeah, about what happened…”“No, there’s no need to tell me. Elliot was able to explain everything that happened and I think I understand what was going on,” she said as she moved to sit up. “You should have told me. When you saw Chris, the panic attacks, or how you were feeling about school or college.”I shook my head, “I’m sorry. I was going to tell you, but I never found a good time or it felt like maybe you wouldn't want to know
I continued eating until my plate was empty and we spent the rest of the night watching anything that was on television and I got another serving after a while realizing that I was a little more hungry then I thought. At nine, my mom decided to go to bed and I went to bed a little past ten, finally able to go to sleep after an hour of laying in bed. By morning we got ready to head out of the house after having breakfast and it seemed like the only psychiatrist that was available was at the local hospital and it made me nervous just thinking that we still had to go to the hospital in the end. My mom had to do a few paperwork while we waited and gave them our insurance information before they could call me in.I was trying to not be nervous because it’s not my first time meeting a psychiatrist, but it was still unnerving, and played with the rubber band on my wrist hoping the fidgeting can help calm my nerves. It might have taken us almost an hour just waiting to be calle