Chapter 2: I felt like my heart was beating for the first time

It was almost two in the morning when Jake arrived home. By that time, the drug he took had already taken effect, and the sight that met Matthew was that of Jake high as a kite and completely out of his mind. At some point on the way back, the headphones were unplugged from the phone, and the heavy rock music sounded particularly loud in the quietness of the way too early in the morning.

Regardless of this, Jake's sobbing, even though silent, couldn't be counseled by all this noise. The young man was crying his eyes out, yet no sound came from him. His eyes were unfocused as if he was seeing things that weren't there, and his trembling hands mercilessly and anxiously scratched the skin of his forearms. The skin there had already turned red and had started bleeding, yet Jake was ignoring this. The morphine he took had made him numb to such pain.

Mathew, who had stayed up all night, sitting in front of the front door, worriedly waiting for his son, was startled. If he wasn't already sitting, his knees that went weak at such a sight would have failed him and made him fall to the ground while trying not to choke on the tears he was struggling to stop from coming out.

Seeing his own son in such a state... it killed him. He wanted to scold Jake. To yell at him, but Mathew knew he had no right to, for it was his own fault that Jake became like this. If only he didn't isolate himself from his sons when his wife died... if only he wasn't that immersed in his grief that he neglected his sons... if only he was there when Jake needed him...

He truly hated himself for what he had done, or better say what he hadn't done. Why should it have taken for Jake to take drugs for months for Mathew to remember that he wasn't only a husband, but a father as well?

But what good did that "what if" do?

It was already too late for that. It's always too late if the situation came to "What-if-s". All Mathew could do now was not to let things get worse. Maybe even though it's late, even though things can't get more messed up than this... maybe there is still hope.

Mathew stood up and walked to Jake. His shaking hand landed on his shoulder as the other one touched Jake's wet with tears cheek.

"Mom... does mom think I'm bad?" Jake asked. Mathew couldn't say anything. He simply took the phone from Jake and stopped the music. Then he grabbed Jake's hands, stopping him from hurting himself. "I failed a lot of classes... and... and then... will she scold me? I don't want to make her sad..." Jake's voice was soft and somewhat hoarse, yet it sounded too childish and innocent, not like that of a twenty-year-old man.

"She won't get mad," Mathew answered as he pulled Jake towards the kitchen. He poured Jake a glass of water and gave it to him.

"You're mad at me too," Jake said once he drank the water. "You hate me too." His soft voice suddenly rose, and his lips tightened in a straight line. Jake scoffed. "It's okay. I hate me too."

Shoving the empty glass into his father's hand, Jake walked up to his room and locked himself inside. He was already feeling drowsy, not sure if it was because it had been quite a while since he last slept or because of the drug's side effects. Still, he refused to sleep. The lingering fears were rooted deep down in his heart.

Instead, he lay down in his bed and in a daze stared at his hands. For some reason they were red, but he didn't remember touching red paint. It didn't occur to him that it was actually his own blood from all that anxious scratching. Staring at the hands, he smiled, finding the sight of them beautiful. His pale skin deeply contrasted the redness. The color looked so vivid, and it reminded him of Ryder... she had tied her hair with a red ribbon the first day he saw her... Jake remembered it well...

As he thought about it, a smile lifted the corners of his lips.

It was uncertain when Jake finally fell asleep while staring at the blood on his hands, a small silly smile still on his face, but when he woke up, it was already late in the afternoon. Warm golden sunlight invaded the room, falling on his face. It was this that woke him up.

Voices came from downstairs. Judging by the fact that they were loud enough to be heard from the second floor, Jake knew it was Jeremy fighting with Aiden or even his father. Most likely Aiden...

This little brother of his despised Jake, and this wasn't something he wasn't aware of. He could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. It's just that Jake chose to ignore it.

Jeremy couldn't though. He couldn't ignore it and pretend as if nothing was wrong.

Jake got up from his bed, ruffling his hair in a mess before walking downstairs to the kitchen. Compared to the previous day, he felt much better. His head didn't ache anymore, and he felt more energetic. Still, he had no appetite. The only reason why he was going to the kitchen was that he was in dire need of his loved coffee that he didn't get yesterday.

What Jeremy and Aiden were fighting about was uncertain, but one thing was for sure. The topic of their heated argument was Jake. And as the hot topic he was, Jake walked to the kitchen making coffee for himself as if the two other people in there didn't even exist.

Aiden hated this indifference of him. Why was it that nothing fazed this guy at all? No matter what, he was numb to everything. Just like a lifeless China doll. Cracked and broken and empty inside. A freak.

Aiden scoffed upon seeing Jake. "Why do you even care about him? It's not like he will be grateful to you." He said to Jeremy. Without waiting for Jeremy to blow up, Aiden walked out of the kitchen.

"Don't listen to him..." Jeremy turned to Jake who simply shrugged in response. The former sighed. "When did you come back home yesterday?"

"In the morning..." Jake answered, not quite sure. It was morning, right? He just remembered that at some point before falling asleep, the light from the lamp gradually melted with the sunlight.

Thinking of it, Jake frowned. His eyes fell on his wrists and hands, only then remembering that he had hurt himself. The vivid red color from last night had already dried to a sickening brown. Seeing it, something churned in his stomach, and before he could run to the bathroom, Jake threw up on the floor.

He hadn't eaten anything for days, and all that came out was only stomach acid that burned his throat.

Jeremy had already gotten used to such situations, reacting immediately. However, he couldn't get used to the helplessness and worry he felt every time.

After throwing up, Jake had no strength left in him to keep standing, and he fell to the floor, his knees hurting from the strong impact. His half-closed eyes stared at Jeremy who was rushing to clean up. "Leave it. I can do it myself."

Instead of saying anything, Jeremy simply glared at him and then chose to ignore him. After cleaning the floor, he sat next to Jake, both leaning against the cupboards. "Did you sleep well?"

Jake nodded. "Mhmm."

"Are you hungry?"

Jake shook his head.

"You still have to eat something."

"I... I saw her last night."

Thinking that Jake was talking about visiting his mother or even hallucinating her because of the drug's effects, Jeremy didn't think much of it. "She is..." he started to say, but Jake shook his head, before looking at Jeremy from the corner of his eyes, his lips curved in a faint smile.

"I'm talking about the freshman."

The sudden development of the events took Jeremy by surprise. His eyes widened, and he wasn't sure what to say anymore.

"She had cut her hair..." Jake said. Then as if he was reminded of something, he chuckled. "It still looked like a bird nest though."

Hearing Jake laugh, Jeremy was startled stiff, his mouth hanging open. Now he was almost certain that it was him who had taken morphine and not Jake.

Jake... Jake was laughing? How... How is that... Is this for real?

"Do you... Do you still like her?" Jeremy asked.

He remembered that back then, before Mrs. Caley died, Jake had developed a crush on a new transfer freshman, all because of her messy hair, the constant sleepy look on her face, and the fact that Jake had caught her trying to fix the broken drinking fountain near the library.

But after Mrs. Caley's death, Jake took a heavy blow. He fell into depression, he couldn't eat, couldn't sleep... even after taking a leave from school for a few months, his condition didn't get any better, until Jake finally dropped out. He never saw that girl anymore...

Yet now... why now? Why the day of Clara Caley's death anniversary? And why was Jake smiling and chuckling the next day? Usually, he wouldn't even get off the bed after taking the pill the previous night...

Jake shook his head. "No... that was two years ago..."

Denying it, yet smiling while talking...

Suddenly, Jeremy was hit by a wisp of inspiration. Surely such things as coincidences don't exist in real life. Jeremy was a firm believer that everything happened for a reason in this life.

"Did you talk to her?"

"Mhmm." Jake nodded.

Jeremy started to do the math in his head. Jake is twenty years old. Back then he had just turned eighteen, so the girl was sixteen, which means now she is eighteen... good. That's good. Perfect.

"What did you talk about?"

"Nothing much. I asked her for some water." The sleep-deprived and starved Jake, of course, found it completely unnecessary to mention the circumstances of their meeting.

On the other hand, Jeremy who was getting more excited the more Jake talked was almost on the verge of tears. He felt like after dealing with a math problem every day for two years, he finally found the solution. He found hope. Hallelujah!!!

"Why don't you go meet her again today?"

The unaware Jake, who had absolutely no idea that Jeremy had already found a new treatment for his chronic depression, was dumbfounded when he heard this question. What "meet her again"? Is this guy asking him to break into Ryder's house again? Why would he even do such a thing?

"What for?"

Controlling his excitement, Jeremy answered in a matter-of-fact tone. "To thank her, of course."

Jake stared at Jeremy as if he was growing a second head. "It was just water... and I already thanked her yesterday."

"No, no. That won't do. Act like you didn't and use thanking her as an excuse to see her again."

"Why would I go see her again?"

Upon hearing this, Jeremy couldn't help himself and smacked the back of Jake's head. "Brat, who do you think I am? I know you better than myself. Don't tell me you don't want to see her again. I dare you to say it. Say it and see if I will beat you up or not."

Jake bit his lip. He actually wanted to see Ryder again. Last night things happened in a haze. By the time he came to realize what was happening, it was already over. It has been quite a long time since he had any desire to do anything anyway. It was too easy to give in. As a result, Jake found himself nodding.

"Great." Jeremy clapped his hands loudly once, a wide smile spread on his face. "Eat something and go to her." Not even thinking of waiting for a reply from Jake, Jeremy stood up and grabbed the first edible thing he saw, that being a granola bar, and stuffed it in Jake's mouth.

Just like that, Jake ended up being forcibly fed before getting kicked out of the house. Who knows what thoughts spun the clogs in Jeremy's head for it was already late in the evening when he kicked Jake out of his own house. Where was Jake supposed to find Ryder at such a late hour? Even worse, he didn't quite remember the way to Ryder's house. As weird as it is, he could find it while almost high, but now that he was sober, he got lost twice.

By the time Jake finally arrived at her house, he didn't have any expectations of meeting Ryder. After all, it was already midnight, and it was not like he could call her outside or anything. Who was he anyway? To Ryder, he was just the creep from last night that broke into her backyard, cried, drank her water, and left. Thinking of this, Jake wanted to go back. This was clearly a bad idea.

However, as he reached the house, he still walked around it until he could see the backyard.

Much to his surprise, the lights there were on. The quietness of the night was broken by music played on the phone while the owner of that phone hummed the lyrics while working on God knows what.

Jake felt like going back to the first time he saw Ryder. She was biting her lower lip, eyes focusing ahead, and he could tell just by her face that she was deep in thoughts making calculations and trying to come up with a solution. The only difference was that the girl was older now. Her hair was shorter, and she was holding a nail gun.

In front of her was something that resembled half a table and around her, all over the backyard, one could find everything starting from nails and a hammer to scraps of metal, a wooden statue of Medusa, and tools of all kinds. Truly, a junkyard, but why did it remind him of his own room?

As Ryder plugged in the nail gun on her hand, taking advantage of the fact that the song that was playing just ended, Jake talked. "What are you doing?"

The voice scared Ryder shitless. A high-pitch squeal came from the bottom of her heart as she jumped back in fear. The nail gun fired a nail that firmly nailed down on the ground just two inches away from her foot. With her body trembling, Ryder turned to the direction the voice came from, wanting to aim the nail gun at that person but didn't dare to for fear of accidentally killing him.

From her point of view, all she could see was a young man standing behind the fence that was around the backyard, his head resting on his crossed arms. His figure was hidden by the darkness since he was standing at the same spot from yesterday, the only spot where the light bulb didn't work and this dumbo forgot to change it after what happened yesterday.

"What are you doing here?" Ryder's voice shook as she asked. With swift moves, Ryder grabbed her phone and stopped the music. Her eyes glanced at the time. It was midnight. When the hell did it get so late?!

Her parents weren't home. The same thing was for yesterday. She was home alone and had wanted to use this rare chance of more me-time to work on her projects in the backyard, the said projects being things she found interesting to make.

Yet how unfortunate was she to encounter a stranger in the middle of the night two nights in a row? Yesterday she thought she would die and today... why was this guy back? Originally, she didn't call the police in case her parents found out and forbid her to work during the nighttime in the backyard, but now Ryder was regretting it. The stranger from yesterday was back.

"I wanted to apologize for last night," Jake said. However, his eyes were glued to that half table with interest. He remembered back then when he caught Ryder trying to fix the drinking fountain in school. He also remembered how he wanted to talk to her, but thanks to Aiden he missed the chance. After that, he couldn't go to Ryder anymore and strike up a conversation. Jake regretted it.

"Apology accepted. You may leave now."

"Mhm," Jake muttered, his eyes finally shifting to Ryder's face. For a moment he froze. The yellowish lights of the garden made her look like something out of a dream. The sight of Ryder with short, messy hair and a nail gun in her hand, standing in the middle of a mess of scraps and half-finished projects, the expression on her face showing how sacred she was yet didn't intend to run or scream or show her weakness... it made Jake's heart beat faster for a moment. Such sight hit him like a sudden wave of inspiration and left him stunned... he didn't want to let go of this moment.

"What are you doing?" He asked again, a poor attempt at dragging the time.

"If you're not leaving, I'm calling the police." Ryder pathetically threatened. Her voice shook, and her hands trembled, making her demeanor not look as threatening as she wanted it to be. Damn it, man, what's wrong with this man? Why is he back? Who the fuck returns to the "scene of the crime" to apologize?

"I'm just curious." I don't want to go...

Since he didn't intend to leave and since he was behind the fence, not intruding into her backyard, Ryder sighed and decided to just answer him. Maybe he would leave after satisfying his curiosity.

"It's a drafting table."

Jake's eyes widened under his hood. He knew this girl was something, but he never thought she would actually have such interests. "You're doing it from scratch?"

"Yeah..."

"Amazing," Jake exclaimed in surprise.

Ryder waited for him to leave, but Jake just stood there, not moving, waiting for Ryder to continue working. This was the first time since he didn't remember when he felt nothing but interest. Pure interest. No pain, no bad memories, no depression that ate him alive bit by bit until there was nothing left of him. He wanted to observe and let himself take in all the sudden inspiration that the sight of Ryder gave him.

With none of them moving nor saying anything, the atmosphere became awkward for the asocial Ryder, who didn't know how to handle small talk.

Maybe it was because Jake didn't sound that dangerous, his voice sincere, or maybe because she didn't sense any hidden intentions, but most likely because she wanted to satisfy her curiosity as well, that made Ryder ask the young man. "Why were you crying last night?"

Jake went stiff for a second, his body suddenly feeling heavy. Looking away from Ryder, he didn't want to answer but felt as if he owed her some explanation. "Sometimes tears can ease the pain in one's heart." He answered with a sad tone.

Ryder frowned. This dude sounds smart. Smart people don't just jump on other people and carelessly kill them, right? Coming to such a conclusion, Ryder managed to relax a bit. For some reason, those words sounded familiar... She must have read them somewhere...

The awkward silence fell on the heads of the two people again, one in the light and one in the dark, both with gazes fixed on each other.

Seeing that Jake wasn't going to leave for the time being, and since he didn't seem like he had any intentions of harming her, Ryder decided to satisfy her curiosity a bit more. "Are you from this neighborhood?"

"Pass," Jake answered without hesitating, a frown lowering the corners of his lips. Only then did he realize that Ryder didn't recognize him. She probably didn't even know him at all. Or maybe she did... after all, two years ago, Aiden caused quite the ruckus, letting the whole school know that he wasn't mentally okay, making it sound as if he was crazy.

If Ryder only knew him like the mental case, Jake, from two years ago, he would rather not tell her who he was at all. Pulling his hood down to better hide his face, Jake decided that Ryder not recognizing him was a good thing.

Yet she wanted to know who he was. "What's your name?"

"Pass."

"Are you from Rosevale High School?"

"Pass."

After the third "pass" Ryder turned red from frustration. "Why did you break into my backyard last night?"

Ah, that... I can answer that...

"I was running away."

"From whom?"

"... life..." Reality, my fears... myself. There's a lot to choose from, actually.

"That doesn't explain why you jumped over my fence."

Jake sighed. He couldn't tell her he was kind of high at the moment, right? What would she think of him if he said that? So, Jake decided to lie. "Some guys wanted to beat me, so I tried to find somewhere to hide."

This answer convinced Ryder that this dude was an idiot. What fool would hide in a backyard that clearly had people in it, with all the lights on?

"How do you know me?"

This time Jake didn't answer right away but hesitated for a bit. If he told her, he knew her from school... maybe she would recognize him... he can't have that happen, can he? "We have crossed paths a few times..."

She has met him before? Ryder was flabbergasted. That would explain why she found his voice familiar. But then again... as asocial as she was, the number of guys she had talked to could be counted with the fingers of one hand. Yet for the love of God, she had no idea who this guy might be.

With his eyes focused on her face, seeing her cute confused expression, with the corner of her upper lip lifted a bit and head titled on the right like a little kitten, Jake's eyes softened and his lips curved up in a gentle smile.

"When?"

Jake shrugged. "It has been a while, hasn't it?"

"Can you give me another hint?"

Jake wanted to chuckle. What a curious kitten. She was too amusing. No wonder why I had a crush on her back then... "Why do you want to know?"

This question apparently angered Ryder. "Isn't it obvious? All this isn't normal. I want to know who you are."

Jake lowered his head that was still resting on his crossed arms and bit down on the back of his hand. She was curious about him. This only made him feel somewhat sweet inside. Jake pondered over it for a moment, but he didn't want to ruin all this by telling her he was Jake the mental case of Rosevale High school. She would probably call the police or just drive him away... he wanted this to last longer... With a voice sounding innocent and serious, sounding almost as if he was pouting, Jake asked. "Isn't it nicer when some things are left a mystery? Reality can be bitter, you know?"

Ryder was taken aback by his words. She wanted to disagree, but to some degree, she agreed with this. It would be too shameless of her to go against her notions out of spite.

"Ignorance do be sweet sometimes," Ryder admitted. "But this time it's bittersweet."

Those words made Jake sincerely smile.

She truly is an amusing person.