Chapter 4: Fatherly bullshit

Natalie was hired by Mathew a year ago, which was the only good thing he did for Jake back then. After that, he pretty much let it all to Natalie to deal with. It was only recently that he would ask Natalie after every session about Jake's condition or call her from now and then when Jake's behavior was too unpredictable. The last time he called her was three days ago when Jake stayed outside the whole night and came back home only early in the morning, high as a kite, talking nonsense.

Now, Mathew was waiting behind the closed door of Natalie's office, where she and Jake were in the middle of the session.

Natalie was a middle-aged woman, with kind features and a soft voice that always gave Jake the impression of a children's storyteller. Jake was one of her favorite patients but also one of the most stubborn ones who just wouldn't even want to get better. This gave Natalie a headache.

"Your father said that you shouldn't stay outside until after midnight these days."

Jake didn't look at Natalie. He stared at a big painting hanging on the wall behind her. It was some abstract art that he never quite understood. The colors were a mess that always stirred him inside. The chaos of that painting made him uncomfortable for some reason.

"Mhmm."

"Where do you go?" Natalie patiently asked.

When she asked this question, a faint smile unconsciously appeared on Jake's face that left Natalie stunned. The pale, handsome face of the young man sitting in front of her suddenly looked gentler. The smile, even though small, was too beautiful to the point it made people angry. His soft pink lips curved slightly upwards, his long eyelashes trembled... This face was made to smile, yet this was the first time Natalie had seen him do so.

Now Natalie got curious. What is it that made him have such an expression on his face?

But Jake didn't say anything.

With no other choice left, Natalie tried to approach him differently. "Have you found something that makes you happy?"

The smile on Jake deepened as he hummed a soft response. Then there was silence. Natalie deliberately didn't say anything, hoping that this silence would make him talk. Sure enough, her hopes weren't in vain.

"I have met someone."

The answer left Natalie stunned. What is this development? Unconsciously, she straightened her back and shifted in her chair. "New friend?"

Jake shook his head. "I haven't seen her for a long time."

So it is a "she"?

Okay. Things are getting intriguing...

Natalie again chose to provoke Jake by remaining silent. Even though this trick didn't always work with him, today apparently was a fruitful day.

Jake remained silent for a while, absorbed in his thoughts which was, again, something new to Natalie. Usually, this young man would just stare at the painting behind her with furrowed eyebrows and a frown on his face. Never did he look so thoughtful.

Suddenly, Jake abruptly straightened his back and put down his legs that he had been hugging up on the chair until now. The sudden movement made Natalie jump back for a second for it truly took her by surprise. Unconsciously, her cheeks turned slightly red because of her reaction.

"Do you... Do you think someone can recognize the other by just listening to their voice?"

What the...

"Yeah. That's... actually, a question with a pretty obvious answer..."

Jake frowned and shook his head. "No. I mean... from two years ago. Let's say... you talked with someone only twice, and then you met them after two years... Would they recognize the person just by their voice?"

Natalie had a feeling that things were taking a rather strange turn. She didn't answer right away but studied Jake's expression for a while. A sigh was let out. This boy... seeing him look... livelier... than ever, it truly made one hate the fact that he always had a sad or blank expression on his face. After witnessing his smile and now his anticipating eyes, Natalie resented the fact that this probably wouldn't last.

But there was hope. She was confident that Jake would get better. Even if that was the last thing, she did in life.

"Is this about your friend?"

Jake bit his lip shyly. Was it that obvious?

It truly was torturing him. Knowing that Ryder hadn't seen his face, had no other information about him which she could identify him with, the only thing left was his voice. He truly didn't want Ryder to know who he was. What if she remembered what happened back then? What if she has heard what Aiden spurts out to his friends? It's no secret that this brat cursed and insulted him in front of his friends. There were a few occasions when Jake was even present when Aiden did so. But Jake never paid much attention to it.

He didn't blame Aiden. He understood that his little brother hated the fact that after their mother died, and their father ignored them for quite a while, even his big brother, who was supposed to stay by his side in such a difficult time, deteriorated into such a weakling. Jake knew Aiden hated how weak he was. He hated himself too.

So what right did he have to get angry at him when he said such things?

But with Ryder... for some reason he didn't want her to know that weak and dark side of him, in fear of being driven away by her. Even though he didn't quite understand the reason why Jake was reluctant to let go of these late-night meetings.

Maybe it was because Ryder didn't know he was such a broken thing that he could act as if he was okay with her like nothing was wrong with him because in those moments he truly forgot about it. He would be so absorbed in the moment, observing that little freshman that had grown up, like he was studying a painting...

Natalie noticed his shy reaction and her lips twitched. Fucking hell! All that was needed was to get this guy a crush? That's it?

But if the crush didn't like him back...

Natalie suddenly had a headache.

The secession ended and Jake walked out of the office still in deep thoughts. So deep that he almost didn't notice his father waiting outside.

The moment the door opened, Mathew stood up and studied Jake's face. Under that observing gaze, it was a bit hard to ignore him. Jake looked at his father and frowned.

"What are you doing here?"

He's twenty years old, for God's sake. He doesn't need his father to pick him up from his psychologist. He's not a kid.

"I..." Mathew hesitated. Seeing his son's displeasure, he gave up on the idea of talking to Natalie. "Are you hungry? Let's go out for lunch."

"I'm not hungry."

He didn't actually lie. Even thinking about food made him nauseated. However, when Jake remembered that he would have to walk all the way to Ryder's house and back... Sitting in his room and writing or painting didn't require that much energy, but walking all that distance... he needed energy.

Thinking of this, Jake sighed. "Okay."

Mathew, who had just gotten mercilessly rejected, got suddenly injected with hopes and expectations. Did... did he say okay? His eyes sparkled, and this didn't go unnoticed by Jake, who was completely dumbfounded. How come this old man became so happy just because of one word?

Both father and son picked a random restaurant and sat down to eat. Even though Mathew got too excited for this chance of spending quality time with his son, none of them actually knew what to say during lunch. Jake was too busy trying to hypnotize himself into thinking that the food was delicious, so he would at least take two bites but failed, while Mathew found the atmosphere too awkward.

They were almost finished when Mathew finally gathered some courage to talk. "Is it because you went to wake her up for dinner back then?"

Jake froze.

Out of all the conversation starters out there you chose THIS? Are you sure you're not the one with mental problems in this family?

"I'm just not hungry." Jake denied.

He understood himself well. Too well, actually, which made his hatred for himself worse for Jake knew exactly what was wrong with him and why it was so, yet he couldn't do anything to fix it.

He couldn't sleep because he was scared. He was scared of the nightmares consisting of his mother lying lifeless in a bed. As shameful as he found it, he also couldn't sleep because he was scared he would die in his sleep.

Jake couldn't eat because back then when he went to his mother's room to wake her up, he had just prepared dinner. He had gone upstairs to wake his mother up to eat dinner together like they always did. Yet who knew...

Both reasons were so stupid to Jake. So stupid they made no sense at all however, it was like he had no control over himself and his way of thinking. In the end, all Jake could do was surrender to this new lifestyle that resembled a process of self-destruction.

Mathew couldn't come up with a solution for his son's lack of appetite, so he changed the topic. "How is work going?"

"Fine."

"Are you writing a new book?"

"Yeah..."

"Is it..."

"You don't have to do this. Don't bother worrying about me and just do what you have been doing so far." Jake interrupted him.

But I want to do this... Mathew wanted to say, but the words stuck in his throat. "I'm sorry." He felt hateful towards himself. How could he be so inconsiderate and just leave his children to suffer on their own? "I know you don't want to forgive me, and it's okay... just let me worry about you, and don't push me away..."

The words were said in an almost desperate tone that took Jake by surprise. His heart felt weird as if it was trembling, but hearing that "I'm sorry"... it was like he had been waiting for those words for a long time.

Still, he got angry. What nerves did he have to ask him not to push him away! Wasn't it him who did the pushing first?

Jake stood up abruptly with fury in his eyes. They looked as if they contained a whole storm in them that was on the verge of breaking out and destroying everything. "Hypocrite." He spat that word at his father and walked out of the restaurant.

Matthew's face paled, and he looked as if he was about to cry, but no tears came out. His eyes were glued to the untouched food opposite his and had to bite his lip hard to blink away the haziness from his eyes.

After returning home, Jake entered the kitchen looking as if he was going to war.

He had to eat something! He had to, or he would faint in the middle of the road.

Even though he was thinking this, he went right to the coffee machine. Only after the coffee was done did he realize that coffee didn't actually qualify as food. His eyes wandered around the cupboards, then he walked to the fridge. Yet no matter how many foodstuffs he saw, he couldn't bring himself to eat anything.

Defeated by his lack of appetite, Jake called Jeremy. The call went right through, but before Jeremy had the chance to say anything, Jake hit him with a question.

"What should I eat? Order me to eat."

Jeremy took the phone away from his ear and stared at it for a full minute. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the name of the caller and wondered whether he was dreaming or not?

"You want to eat?"

"Mhmm."

"Truly?"

"Yes."

"..."

"Jeremy?"

"You... you just wait there, I'm coming over right now." After that, the call ended.

Jake shrugged and took a sip from his coffee and waited for Jeremy to show up while sitting on the counter. Maybe it was because he didn't like the view from up there, so Jake took his mug with him and sat on top of the fridge.

Hmm... This is nicer. It had been quite a while since the last time he sat up there.

When Jeremy finally came, he saw Jake on top of the fridge drinking coffee and almost teared up.

"Daddy, I want to sit up there with Jay." Said Leah who was in his arms.

"..."

Why did he feel like his daughter loved Jake more than she loved him? What is this unfilial child? However, this jealousy was short-lived for it was cut short by Jake's next words.

"The old hag took me out for lunch today." Jake's voice was kind of gloomy, but it didn't seem to be for the reason Jeremy thought of. Mathew truly was an asshole for what he did. However, it couldn't be denied that he was trying hard to make it up for it. Even Jeremy that had been taking care of Jake like a nagging mother who had developed raging hatred towards this father and that jerk Aiden, had to accept such a fact.

Back then Jake and Mathew had such a great relationship... maybe it would be good for Jake to make up with his father... even though the jerk didn't deserve it.

Coming to this conclusion, Jeremy let out a long sigh. "Did he say anything to you?"

Jake nodded. His teeth dug into his lip. "He said he was sorry..."

"Do you want to forgive him?"

"I don't know."

Jake was truly conflicted, but he knew deep down why Mathew did those things in the past. He was also aware that he was being a bit selfish to require his father's care while he was in pain from his wife's loss. Still...

"Maybe a little bit..." Jake added after a while.

A small smile spread on Jeremy's face. Mhm... having more people around will surely help him get better. Jeremy was sure of it. He also decided that if Mathew fucked it up again, he would make sure the man regretted it his whole life. Jake was like his big brother who had always taken care of him. It was only fair to return the favor.

"Why don't you just... slowly warm up to him? If he makes another mistake, you can always just come live at my house. It won't make any difference anyway." His house was next door. Of course, it wouldn't make much of a difference!

Jake thought back to his father's face back in the restaurant, and guilt heaved on his heart... fucking hell, I'm too soft-hearted!

He still nodded to Jeremy's suggestion though...

It took quite a while for the food to be ready. Jake was finally willing to eat! Of course, this late lunch should be super delicious, so he will be willing to eat again later. Thinking this, Jeremy would surely cook a whole feast if it wasn't for Jake stopping him. In the end, he ended up cooking Mexican chicken soup.

With Jeremy there cooking and shoving food down his throat, Jake was finally able to eat lunch, even though by the time he finished eating it was already dark outside. With this task completed, Jeremy pulled the hood over Jake's face and patted his back. "Off you go. Say hi to Ryder from me." And just like that, he was kicked out of his own house.

Jake was dumbfounded. He couldn't quite understand how his friend's head worked.

As if he would say hi to her from him! Hmph! Not even in his dreams! 

EXTRA:

In the restaurant

Mathew: *blankly staring into empty space*

Mathew: *about to cry*

Author: *patting his back* There, there body. Don't be sad.

Mathew: You're the reason I'm like this!

Author: One must do what one has to do (●ˇ∀ˇ●)

Mathew: You killed my wife!!!

Author: Yeah, but I gotta hit readers right where it hurts, so...

Mathew:ヽ('Д')ﾉ

Author: ╮(╯▽╰)╭