III-TWO HURDLES FOR THE PRICE OF ONE

                                                                         III

My joy ended as soon as I returned home. 'But why are you coming so late?,' Beth, Jack's sister, chided me. Then I remembered that Erika, the one boasting to have seducted Jack, had mentioned her the day before. "'If it's just that they're two silly girls, it's normal for them to be such good friends", I thought.

I tried not to answer back. That would have made things worse. Now no one could know that I liked girls too, but I was also afraid that they would find out about my kiss with Jack.

'Has the cat got your tongue?'

'I'm a little fed up with you, Beth.'

'What? Who do you think you are, you little girl?'

I thought she was going to hit me, but before she did, I apologized in a stammer.

In the afternoon I had to do my homework with Roy and I couldn’t get around to it. He wouldn't correct his mistakes, and when he got distracted with toys or wasted time asking me about my previous city, I didn't know how to keep order.

My mind was still on the night before, lost in Monica's sheets. The time of pleasure did not compensate for the guilt. I felt like someone who takes drugs to forget the problems that immediately bounce back like a boomerang.

And if I thought we could be a couple again, I was wrong. If we didn't row toge- ther, there was no point in getting on the boat.

My ramblings stopped when Beth came back into the room.

'Fuck, Anna. Are you nuts? What did we hire you for?'

'Don't talk like that in front of Roy'

'So now you're going to teach me manners when you can't even teach a kid to add up.'

'I already know how to add and multiply, sister,' Roy said.

'That's why, as smart as you are and this... Anyway, I'd better not say all I think about you, Anna.'

'You're very unfair to me, Beth. I never treated you badly. I'll have no choice but to talk to your father.'

'Ah, so now you're a snitch, eh? Well, I'm warning you, I'm going to beat you up if you go on like that.'

'Are you threatening me,' I said in a tone that could not be violent. It just didn't come out.

'You're making me do it, Anna.’

'I wish we could be friends, but it's impossible.'

'Yes, I wish, if you weren't so stubborn.'

For the first time I sensed some humanity in her, but I couldn't let my guard down. I got the impression that she was only acting that way so as not to scare Roy off any more, even though he was very mature for his age.

We were watching a comedy when the key turned in the door. Radcliffe. Time for a truce. "You can't let them treat you like this, you can't let them treat you like this."

I avoided men-tioning the incident. It was better that I first talk to Jack, with whom the friendship continued as if we had never tried anything else.

Our interactions, however, were shorter. We didn't  want to make it worse until Beth forced me to leave. It wasn't the first time, Jack confessed to me, that previous tenants had made any pretext to move out. Suspiciously they would go to much more overcrowded hostels or guesthouses, claiming proximity to the new job.

'Don't hold it against her' Jack asked me one day. 'She's reacting like this because she's hurt about our mom. She didn't use to be like that.'

Then I understood. Behind every unbearable person there may be a major trauma. If I had tried to solve mine by sleeping with my ex when I'd sworn I would never do it again, there were others who fell into depression or became unbearable. They would deploy an armor to keep anyone from entering their hearts.

'If only we all did something to understand each other,' I lamented aloud.

'Yeah, absolutely,' Jack agreed.

The semester progressed and my grades were acceptable. I couldn't wait to leave for London, as my parents might be looking forward to it. Mr. Radcliffe seemed to detect the bad atmos- phere and, rather than create an open confrontation, he took Beth and little Roy to Cork and left me with Jack for the weekend.

Then we talked about books, shooting stars, death and the secrets of the universe. He was the one I really felt comfortable with, but I didn't want to make him suffer. So I plucked up my courage and told him about Monica.

I thought he would be surprised that I had dated a girl in the past and angry that I hadn't told him, but I had to be honest. When I told him, he grimaced sadly.

'I already knew. You were together.’

‘What? You knew each other already?’

He hesitated before answering, as if the answer weighed a ton.

'Do I know her? Too much, I'd say'

'Don't tell me you dated as well. I didn't know she liked boys too'.

'No, no. Listen, Anna. Monica is my stepsister'

'What?'

'I'm not kidding. She's my father's daughter, with a woman who used to be his lover. The woman said she was going to have an abortion and we believed it, until we found out she'd tricked us.'

'How did you find out?'

'Easy, her brother was aware of it and showed up at the house. He told us the whole truth. He said that his sister was a despicable being'.

'And what happened then?'

'Well, my father reported her and got joint custody, when the girl was twelve years old. That's why Beth doesn't accept strangers. She harbors anger towards Monica, this sister she's barely known'.

'But when the judges ruled in her favor, did you see her?'

'Very few times, because she didn't want to meet us. Her father and we biological siblings are of no value to her. I would like to think that it is not because Monica's mother has maligned against us, but I don't know what to believe, Anna'.

He began to cry like I had never seen it before. His tears were beautiful. Then I comforted him by wiping them away. He misunderstood the situation and kissed me on the lips twice.

'No, Jack, don’t do that.'

'What do you mean, you prefer her, don't you?'

'I didn't say that. It's just that...'

'What, I'm a wild card to you?'

'I need time to sort out my feelings, Jack! It's all so sudden. And I was coming from a breakup. A breakup with your stepsister, for God's sake! I've lost a brother, I've changed cities, and it's all so confusing....'

'Okay, I understand. But you have to be determined and brave. Otherwise, you may end up dragging people down in your wake.'

How right he was. I had no right to use others for my emotional experiments. "You only live once." I thought about what it might be like if I got naked for him to possess me. But that wouldn't fix our problems either.

We spent the rest of the weekend holding back our desires, like two old acquaintances burying the hatchet. "Sometimes the choices we make go totally against who we are, and on our mind's screen we create alternate endings."

That must be it. A matter of pure statistics. For every happy couple there are others who want to be and don't make it, others who live their impostured attitude as if they were mere extras in a film and, finally, many others that don't mind about love. "Who am I supposed to be?"