II
The quarter progressed and, as I'd expected, I was unable to get Jack out of my mind. We would greet each other laconically in the hallway of the house, keeping quiet at lunch.
My conversations with both him and Beth were limited to household chores. Don't mix colors in the washing machine, turn off the light when it's daylight, don't let Roy overindulge in cho- colate and sweets.
The literature professor had set a group assignment, so we met in the library. Most of the girls had little initiative. They obeyed everything proposed by Erika, an arrogant girl who thought she was always right.
She was tall and posh, dressed in leather and after every word she put her hand in her pocket to touch her purse, as if it were a magic lamp from which ideas could spring.
'King Lear is hardly interesting.'
'But it's a universal story,' I countered. 'It reflects fratricidal struggles, greed and how they can lead to self-destruction.'
'Wow, I see you're a smart ass. Why don't you organize everything?'
'Come on, stop arguing. Let's go do something,' said Kate, one of the teammates, trying to appease us.
Once we had divided the topics among the members, they all started talking about boys. They mentioned sex in a way that was too ordinary for my taste among strangers.
'Well, haven't you, Anna, had your first time?' asked Diana.
'If she's a prude, don't you see,' mocked Erika.
'I don't like to talk about what I do in bed. Besides, that shouldn't have to be areason for comparison.'
'I knew it, you don't hook up with anyone. You should come with me and learn a little.'
'Yeah. And you, when was your last time, Erika?' Kate prodded.
'When I was with Jack,’she showed off.
'Jack?'
'Yes, he's the one who lives in Malahide, over by Artane Roundabout, don't you know him?'
'What do you mean, that Jack? And what did you do, you slut?' Diana went on laughing.
'Everything. I'm not going to tell you.'
The lump in my throat wouldn't let me speak. Maybe to Jack I was just a trophy. I was burning with desire to ask that idiot for details about her relationship with him, but I didn't even explain that he was my roommate.
But what was clear to me was that he needed to tell me everything. What did he have with Erika?
'Okay, girls,' Erika said, clapping her hands. 'Enough chitchat. Kate and Diana, you develop the historical context. Rachel, you with me, we'll do the comedies and the poems. You, Anna, the tragedies, which I can see you're a little freaked out about. You'll do it with the new mate.'
'What new mate?'
'Monica, she'll be here in half an hour.'
'What a coincidence, she's called like my ex," I thought. When she appeared through the door, I thought someone was pulling my leg. "It's her!"
She was wearing an elegant red printed dress and her hair was up in a bun. She looked stunning and irresistible even without wearing lipstick.
I began to feel a tingling in my back and my heart skipped a beat. The librarian scolded some brats who were making noise and I took advantage of a moment of absent-mindedness to signal Monica. She understood instantly.
'Hi, I'm Anna,' I said holding out my hand, which she shook weakly.
'Monica,' she replied indifferently.The best thing for both of us was to pretend it was the first time we had met. So we disguised ourselves as skillfully as we could by talking about the genius of Stratford-upon-Avon, until we were shooed away and the room closed.
Then I lagged behind with her. 'Anna, we're going to miss the bus!" announced Kate, the only one I got along with. I improvised an excuse about some supposed notes I was going to lend Monica, until we were left alone in front of the facade of Trinity College. The light from the street lamps and the rattle of cars in the rain bore witness to our reunion.
'Did you bring an umbrella?'
'No, did you?'
'No'
'Let's go to the bridge, I want to talk to you.'
We laughed and walked through the puddles as if the water couldn't get us wet. We finally reached Samuel Beckett's bridge and, when the rain stopped, we sat down next to it to look at the horizon.
'Forgive me,' I managed to stammer.
'You're not to blame. I should have been braver,' she acknowledged.
'Shall we go up to my house?'
It was hard to resist. So many hours had passed, so I had to call Radcliffe and let him know I wasn't coming up for dinner. I told him I was staying at a friend's house without further expla- nation. He didn't take it badly, so as soon as I hung up the phone, my worries went away. I praised the way Monica cooked chicken and we drank steaming hot coffee.
As much as she tried to hide it, Monica could tell I was looking at her with desire. So she marched to the bathroom for a drink of water. "She must be uncomfortable," I thought. When she came out, she was wearing only white panties and a lacy bra. I felt a tingling in my legs and couldn't help but move closer to her.
As if my body was weightless, I let her undress me and entertained myself by running my tongue over her neck, breasts and nipples. I raised my head and gave myself to her as if we were two teenagers.
Then we searched each other with open palms, until she laid me down and, from top to bottom slid, letting her whole body fall down my belly until she reached my inner thigh. Then it was my turn, so I put her face up and I reached her pubic bone.
She moaned in a way that sent a shiver down my spine and then I kept circling her labia majora and minora, like the folds of a beautiful flower, until I got to her clitoris.
The gasps she intoned as I rested my face against her thigh made me aroused, and then I remembered Jack again and how some other night I had fantasized about him after kissing.I felt guilty, but didn’t let that thought curtail my instinct.
I noticed how she finished, drenched in sweat, without me being able to reach orgasm. She must have been aware of my predicament.
'Didn't you like it?'
'Yes, of course I did. It's just that...'
'I see, it takes a while after all this time, doesn't it?'
'Yes, that's right. Besides, I'm a little tired today.'
'Stay here to sleep.'
'No, it's okay. I'll call a cab'
I looked for the station phone and the taxi soon arrived. It had stopped raining. That night I didn't think about anything. My body seemed to be anesthetized, as if a bunch of scorpions were holding my organs immobile.
III My joy ended as soon as I returned home. 'But why are you coming so late?,' Beth, Jack's sister, chided me. Then I remembered that Erika, the one boasting to have seducted Jack, had mentioned her the day before. "'If it's just that they're two silly girls, it's normal for them to be such good friends", I thought. I tried not to answer back. That would have made things worse. Now no one could know that I liked girls too, but I was also afraid that they would find out about my kiss with Jack. 'Has the cat got your tongue?' 'I'm a little fed up with you, Beth.' 'What? Who do you think you are, you little girl?' I thought she was going to hit me, but
IV It wasn't until the following Monday that my mind reacted to the fact that Monica had been hiding things from me. Then I felt as angry with her as I did with Jack. How can you play with someone's feelings like that? They both knew perfectly well who I was, which was unclear even to myself. I felt emotionally naked and vulnerable. When I got out of class, I told Monica I wanted to go to the Museum of Natural Science. We went in, and I soon realized that what was on display there was beautiful, sad and disgusting at the same time. Stuffed animals. Big elephants and giraffes whose bones, skin and gaze had been paralyzed forever, immortalized on wood in such a way that
V The next few weeks were spent running from building to building at the university, eating snacks and fast food, overwhelmed by classwork, upcoming exams, and visits to professors' offices. There was hardly any excitement that Monica had taken me into her shared apart- ment. The other roommate was a computer geek who was almost always in her room, and Monica and I didn't even talk more than necessary, except for the common assignment. I lost track of time. It's amazing how one can perceive eternity in a single minute and get sucked into the routine for months. Before I knew it, it was already June. In Irish Literature exam I had to answer a question about Samuel Beckett. I
VI The summer passed like an exhalation in my life. If this was living, stringing together seasons, routines, loves and disappointments, then I wasn't going to be the one to make sense of it. Just as I was about to cancel my projects and move back to London, I was called to work for a consultancy. Against all odds, I was selected as a part-time administrative intern. A temporary job, but better than nothing. My boss, Mrs. Stern, was strict but fair in her demands. But one day I discovered that she was a distant aunt of Beth and Jack. I was still living with them and was being paid a small amount for tutoring Roy, so I had enough money to send home to my parents. Whether I wanted to or not, my w
VII What happened over the next few weeks still clouds over in my mind. I only know that I slept little, started drinking and suffered anxiety attacks. I thought the office would be more understanding, but they were not. I had bitten more than I could chew and colleagues com- plained about my performance. I was fired from there too, to put it simply. I felt worthless and guilty for having to tell my parents that I could no longer send them money. My father told me that he’d found a new position and I shouldn’t worry, but that didn't solve anything. I couldn't see myself getting ahead, I had to pass all my subjects and I’d started drinking heavily. At first, I
VIII As embarrassed as I was, I had to make that call. So I gathered some coins I had begged for on Tara Street, next to the DART station, and plucked up my courage. Since my cell phone was broken, I gave the owner of the Internet cafe 1 euro and googled the phone number. With what I had left over I went to a phone booth. ‘Good morning, Mr. Redman.’ ‘Anna, why aren't you here? You've ruined my project' 'I'm so sorry,' I cried, 'I'm on the street. I don't have a home. Maybe you could...' He was so surprised that it took him a while to answer. 'Well, I don't have space in my house, unfortunately. What I can offer you is something to earn the mo
IX Days went by and I had no alternative. I accelerated music lessons and got used to asking for money on the streets. My appearance was horrible, as if I were a doll placed on a stage to be pitiful. Dirt ate away at me from my neck to my ankles. I needed to take a shower. Begging for no one to recognize me, I managed to scrape together just enough money to buy a sandwich. I felt guilty for having let Rachel do the dirty work. We were the same. Even if she was hooked up to a machine and I was conscious. Since I hardly had any conversation with Bill, I spent many hours on those streets where I wasn't known. Classes with Mr. Redman had become daily and we played great songs such as "Knocking on Heaven's Door"
X "Homelessness is still a problem," said a very serious announcer on the small radio station Bill was listening to. He had a transistor that a scrap dealer had given him, after he had sold him all kinds of wires, toy boxes and pieces of iron. With that and some snacks his acquaintances had given him, fat Bill had more than enough to survive on. And what else can I say? Music lessons went on, gigs became more frequent and I continued to embarrass myself on the street. I lived like an artist, with standing ovations, admirers and fans, and then I would go back to my burrow until the next day. It was the best and worst of two worlds. One day Bill came over in the wee hours of the morn