I
ANNA STARTS ANEW
It is often said that misfortune and heartbreak make you stronger. I wish I could believe that.
Having lost a brother might be a life lesson, but it was horrible when God decided Ben would pass away at the age of twenty-four. Just six years older than me, my beloved.
And damn cancer killed him. Why? I donât know.
It was different with Monica, my ex-girlfriend. She never wanted to tell anyone we were dating. But someone had to do it. I told my parents and theirs after a big argument. And, of course, we split up. I canât see the point of falling for a girl when sheâs not ready for life.
Needless to say, I cried throughout the summer. All those double-checks without an answer, just as if we were machines and our batteries had faded. Tired of love and not willing to lose our stupid self-pride. And only not to recognise that youâre hiding your true feelings.
All this being the case, I decided to apply for an Erasmus scholarship in Dublin and, although I knew Iâd miss my family, I havenât regretted since I did.
The house where I used to serve was near Malahide Castle, and it took fifteen minutes to go from there to university, which was really a waste of time. But I had to seize any job offer, as I was almost penniless. I only came here because I was fleeing from myself.
Mr. Radcliffe, the owner, was a chubby man with a peculiar high-pitched voice. As soon as I arrived at his home, he introduced me to his little son Roy, and told me that I had to teach him math and Spanish. I was fairly fluent, as I had practised a lot with my cousin, you know.
The child was lovely, and much more was Jack, his handsome brother. He was twenty-two, but itâs true that Iâve always liked boys and girls older than me. Not that Iâve been with many, apart from Monica and a few more mistakes.
âThis is your room,â Jack explained, in the role of the big boy of the house. âThereâs central heating, but it is sometimes offâ
âAre you working?â, I changed the topic.
Jack smiled at me in a few that made my heart-rate increase.
âYeah, Iâm a hotel receptionist, but studied Engineering.â
The first day I met him, we were rambling about college, music and films. All under the jealous look of his sister Beth, who saw me as a threatening outsider. While Jack was having a shower, she came to me and blurted out:
âWhat did you say your name was?â
âAnnaâ
âOkay, Anna. Look, donât distract my brother, will you? Heâs a very busy manâ I gazed at her face. She was pretty, but vain and rude.
âBut I am notâŚâ
âWell, weâve had other guests here, and I know how it goesâ
I hate it when people donât let you explain yourself, but I simply shut up because I didnât want more trouble. I spent the first week signing for different subjects, arranging papers, getting a passport and a monthly transport ticket.
Mr. Radcliffe said he was happy with the way I taught Roy. I thanked him and admitted the kid was very intelligent, but again Beth gave me the cold shoulder, as if I was just faking. However, she had to give up to evidence. I was doing a good job!
Once Iâd finished setting there, Jack offered to give me a lift for me to see the city. We went to the Viking museum and had a great time there. We spent three hours seeing everything.
In Dublinia, you can dress up as a real viking, touch the remains of authentic ships dating from the 7th and 8th centuries and write your name in the Rhunic alphabet.
We had our photos taken together and couldnât stop laughing. We looked so weird in those costumes with horns!
âBut donât they say Vikings didnât use to wear horns?â, I asked Jack.
âNo, probably not. It seems that horned helmets are an addition of Scandinavian artists from the 19th centuryâ.
I liked him because he was so cultivated. He would have an answer for every question, no matter the topic.
Another day, after heâd finished work, we went to the amusement park in Drogheda, another county. We rode in water slides and followed routes that imitated the life of pirates!
With all these things I forgot about misery and sorrow, although I was aware that it was only a temporary escape. The following Monday, I started classes at Trinity College. I was so nervous!
In the campus, there were a lot of foreign students, mainly Chinese and Spanish. I couldnât even start a conversation with them, because they seemed to already know each other and ignored me.
The good thing was that I chose a subject on Samuel Beckett, a playwright who wrote about the agony of being human. When the teacher told us about his works, it seemed to me as if the author could read my mind, even if he wasnât alive.
Then I joined in funky dance lessons and attended a couple of talks by local scientists.
Anything I did was only to fill my time. When we started going through the syllabus, though, I was busier than ever. But I lost my concentration when Beth reached me again, just to shout at me: âI told you to stay away from my brother!â
My depressive thoughts came back. I couldnât help thinking about Monica.
'We could have been blissful together,â I said aloud when nobody could hear me. I spoke to myself, cried and laughed for no reason and often had nightmares about my deceased sibling.
I dreamt about being in class and finding out that the boy sitting next to me was my brother Ben, but when I looked at him, his face was covered in blood and he couldnâeven blink an eye. I woke up shouting, which enraged Beth even more.
âAre you crazy? You ought to learn respect! Youâre only here because my father wants.â
I tried to explain things to her, but it didnât work. âIf only Iâd stayed in London,â I thought.
Guilt was overwhelming me. I had a big quarrel with Jack, who unexpectedly took the side of his sister Beth. As a result, our ongoing friendship threatened to fade. I looked for relief in theatre and books, of which Jack could tell a bit, despite also having a scientific mind.
So when the storm passed, we went to Phoenix Park and spoke about Shakespeare and Colleridge, about poetry and novels. Deer were roaming, and there was a sign warning visitors not to touch them.
âWhere did you learn all this? In high school?â
âNope, you know they only cover a bit of it. It was from my mother.â
I remembered Radcliffe had mentioned being widow, but hadnât received any explanation.
âOh, I see. What happened to her?â
I could see him sulking, as Iâd asked the wrong question.
âSorry, it isnât my business. How silly I amâ
âItâs okay, Anna. She died from cancer. But what does it matter if you just want to gossip? You have no idea how it feelsâ
When saying this, it was apparent that he was seething with rage.
âI have,â I replied in a similar tone.
âYeah? How can this be?
âThat illness killed my brother tooâ
There was a kilometric silence. An uncomfortable one, Iâd have presumed, had it not been for the was I felt when I looked him in the eye. It was like swimming in calm sea, while his wild nature was conveying the opposite.
âIâm sorry,â he finally said.
And then it happened. He caressed my temples, put away a blond strand of my hair and softly kissed my lips. It was magical. After tasting him, I knew I would want more and more.
He put my arms around my neck and we devoured each other, ignoring the passerbies, who would feel envy of two young people necking and touching mutually. However, after a few minutes, Monica came to my mind.
That stupid invader! She was worse than pirates and vikings, entering a land to conquer them without being allowed. âI need time. We should only be friends,â I awkardly whispered, rejecting his further advances.
II The quarter progressed and, as I'd expected, I was unable to get Jack out of my mind. We would greet each other laconically in the hallway of the house, keeping quiet at lunch. My conversations with both him and Beth were limited to household chores. Don't mix colors in the washing machine, turn off the light when it's daylight, don't let Roy overindulge in cho- colate and sweets. The literature professor had set a group assignment, so we met in the library. Most of the girls had little initiative. They obeyed everything proposed by Erika, an arrogant girl who thought she was always right. She was tall and posh, dressed in leather and after every word s
III My joy ended as soon as I returned home. 'But why are you coming so late?,' Beth, Jack's sister, chided me. Then I remembered that Erika, the one boasting to have seducted Jack, had mentioned her the day before. "'If it's just that they're two silly girls, it's normal for them to be such good friends", I thought. I tried not to answer back. That would have made things worse. Now no one could know that I liked girls too, but I was also afraid that they would find out about my kiss with Jack. 'Has the cat got your tongue?' 'I'm a little fed up with you, Beth.' 'What? Who do you think you are, you little girl?' I thought she was going to hit me, but
IV It wasn't until the following Monday that my mind reacted to the fact that Monica had been hiding things from me. Then I felt as angry with her as I did with Jack. How can you play with someone's feelings like that? They both knew perfectly well who I was, which was unclear even to myself. I felt emotionally naked and vulnerable. When I got out of class, I told Monica I wanted to go to the Museum of Natural Science. We went in, and I soon realized that what was on display there was beautiful, sad and disgusting at the same time. Stuffed animals. Big elephants and giraffes whose bones, skin and gaze had been paralyzed forever, immortalized on wood in such a way that
V The next few weeks were spent running from building to building at the university, eating snacks and fast food, overwhelmed by classwork, upcoming exams, and visits to professors' offices. There was hardly any excitement that Monica had taken me into her shared apart- ment. The other roommate was a computer geek who was almost always in her room, and Monica and I didn't even talk more than necessary, except for the common assignment. I lost track of time. It's amazing how one can perceive eternity in a single minute and get sucked into the routine for months. Before I knew it, it was already June. In Irish Literature exam I had to answer a question about Samuel Beckett. I
VI The summer passed like an exhalation in my life. If this was living, stringing together seasons, routines, loves and disappointments, then I wasn't going to be the one to make sense of it. Just as I was about to cancel my projects and move back to London, I was called to work for a consultancy. Against all odds, I was selected as a part-time administrative intern. A temporary job, but better than nothing. My boss, Mrs. Stern, was strict but fair in her demands. But one day I discovered that she was a distant aunt of Beth and Jack. I was still living with them and was being paid a small amount for tutoring Roy, so I had enough money to send home to my parents. Whether I wanted to or not, my w
VII What happened over the next few weeks still clouds over in my mind. I only know that I slept little, started drinking and suffered anxiety attacks. I thought the office would be more understanding, but they were not. I had bitten more than I could chew and colleagues com- plained about my performance. I was fired from there too, to put it simply. I felt worthless and guilty for having to tell my parents that I could no longer send them money. My father told me that heâd found a new position and I shouldnât worry, but that didn't solve anything. I couldn't see myself getting ahead, I had to pass all my subjects and Iâd started drinking heavily. At first, I
VIII As embarrassed as I was, I had to make that call. So I gathered some coins I had begged for on Tara Street, next to the DART station, and plucked up my courage. Since my cell phone was broken, I gave the owner of the Internet cafe 1 euro and googled the phone number. With what I had left over I went to a phone booth. âGood morning, Mr. Redman.â âAnna, why aren't you here? You've ruined my project' 'I'm so sorry,' I cried, 'I'm on the street. I don't have a home. Maybe you could...' He was so surprised that it took him a while to answer. 'Well, I don't have space in my house, unfortunately. What I can offer you is something to earn the mo
IX Days went by and I had no alternative. I accelerated music lessons and got used to asking for money on the streets. My appearance was horrible, as if I were a doll placed on a stage to be pitiful. Dirt ate away at me from my neck to my ankles. I needed to take a shower. Begging for no one to recognize me, I managed to scrape together just enough money to buy a sandwich. I felt guilty for having let Rachel do the dirty work. We were the same. Even if she was hooked up to a machine and I was conscious. Since I hardly had any conversation with Bill, I spent many hours on those streets where I wasn't known. Classes with Mr. Redman had become daily and we played great songs such as "Knocking on Heaven's Door"