"Salamat sa pagpapatuloy mo sa akin dito," Harken says and looks around my house. "Ang aliwalas ng bahay mo."
Tahimik akong ngumiti. Hindi ko naman maaaring sabihin na ang sinasabi niyang maaliwalas na bahay ay maraming ibinigay sa aking sama ng loob. But on the good side, I am glad that he knows how to appreciate someone's home. That is a good way to start a conversation."Uhh…," I tried to say something interesting but my brain doesn't cooperate with me. "Take a seat?" I motioned him to sit on the chair in front of the dining table. He comfortably sat and look around again. I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but I am really conscious about the fact that my house is not ready for a visitor yet. Hindi naman makalat ang bahay ko. Sadyang wala lang talagang buhay at saka wala akong masiyadong gamit dahil itinapon ko na ang mga bagay na nakapagpapaalala sa akin sa nakaraan. First-time kong magpatuloy ng tao sa bahay ko kaya hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. "Should I offer you something to eat?""I mean it's almost lunchtime…," he pauses for a few seconds. "Puwedeng makikain?"I swear I almost giggle when I saw his puppy eyes and pleading for a food face. I admit, he is cute. Hindi naman ako maramot sa compliments. Hindi ko nga lang iyon sinasabi sa taong gusto kong purihin. Nahihiya akong ipahayag ang opinyon ko dahil minsan, hindi iyon naiintindihan ng iba. Kaya imbes na makipagtalo ay tahimik lang ako at sinasarili na lang ang mga bagay na gusto kong sabihin. "Puwede naman. Sayang naman 'yong dala mong ulam," sabi ko at itinuro ang dala niya.Lumawak ang ngiti niya. "Right. My specialty."We ate in silence. Paminsan minsan ay nagbubukas siya ng mga bagong pag uusapan na karamihan ay wala akong ideya. Nalaman kong isa pala siyang licensed engineer at nagtatrabaho sa isang firm na pagmamay ari ng pamilya ng mommy niya. Active volunteer rin daw siya sa mga churches and orphanages sa lugar nila. Marami pang bagay na interesante ang tungkol kay Harken. Bigla tuloy akong nahiya dahil wala akong masabi kung hindi, isa akong malaking pagkakamali. Habang nagkukuwento siya tungkol sa sarili niya ay unti unti naman akong lumulubog sa kinauupuan ko. I mean, compared to him, I am nothing. Wala pa nga akong greatest achievement sa buhay. To think na dalawang taon lang ang tanda niya sa akin. Suddenly I lost my appetite. I can't swallow the best kare-kare I've ever tasted in my whole life."Ikaw? What do you do for a living?" he asks, seems interested."I am a writer," matipid kong sagot. I don't have anything to brag aside from still being alive.Tumango tango siya. "Oh, that's nice. Anong mga sinusulat mo?""Poems, novels, at minsan mga scripts.""You must be good with words," he said then look at me. "I mean internally. You know?"I get it. "Yes. Sometimes."I feel sorry for myself instantly. I know I should not care about how status works but this time, it hits me like a bullet. All of a sudden I thought; What if I don't have a social anxiety disorder? What if I have good parents and environment? What if no one ever betrayed me? Baka siguro, maayos ang buhay ko. Baka siguro mayroon akong maayos na trabaho. Mayroon akong maipagmamalaki kahit na papaano.Hindi sa minamaliit ko ang pagiging manunulat ko pero minsan naisip ko, bukod sa mundo ng pagsusulat, ano pa kaya ang kaya kong gawin? Hanggang saan kaya ang limitasyon ko sa mga bagay bagay? I wish I could find the answer to my questions. Nakakasawa na rin minsan na magtanong sa sarili tapos sa huli wala ka pa ring makukuhang sagot.
"May nasabi ba ako?" biglang tanong niya pagkakuwan."Ha?""Natahimik ka kasi. I wonder if I said something wrong o naka offend sa iyo in any way?"Umiling ako. "Wala naman. May naisip lang."Umayos siya ng upo at nagsimula ulit kumain. Masiyado ba akong mapagmasid o talagang kumportable kaagad siya sa bahay ko? It's weird to see a stranger being comfortable in span of ten minutes in a new environment. Talent ba 'yon?But I am curious about one thing kaya huminga ako ng malalim para magtanong,"Pu-puwedeng magtanong sa'yo?"Pasimple kong sinilip ang reaksyon niya. Hindi naman naiba pero may kung anong emosyon sa kaniyang mga mata. "Oo naman. Go on. Magtanong ka lang kahit kailan mo gusto.""Ganiyan ka ba talaga? Hindi ka ba nahihiya sa akin?""Hindi. Kaibigan naman kita kaya bakit ako mahihiya?""I mean, I don't think you know my name."Napataas ang kilay niya. "Your name means favor or grace. Alam mo ba 'yon, Hendell?"I blinked many times. I can't believe he took the time to know the meaning of my name. Kahit ako ay hindi ko alam ang ibig sabihin ng pangalan ko. "Pa- paano mo nalaman ang pangalan ko?"Dahan dahan siyang tumayo at niligpit ang pinagkainan namin. Akmang pipigilan ko siya nang ngumiti siya at pinaupo ako ulit sa upuan ko. "Ako na. At siya nga pala, kanino ko kamo nalaman ang pangalan mo? You wouldn't believe if I would say Marcio, right?""Si Marcio? Alam 'non ang pangalan ko?" gulat na tanong ko."Yes. Hindi nga rin ako makapaniwala noong una. I thought he was just bluffing. Pero noong kinonfirm ko kay tita Sabel, tama ang sinabi niya. Hendell nga ang pangalan mo," pagkukuwento niya. Hindi ako makapaniwalang alam nila ang pangalan ko aside na lang sa bansag sa akin na weirdo. I mean, no one asked nor was interested to know my name before. "Kaano-ano mo ba si Marcio?" kuryosong tanong ko."He is my half-brother. Technically he is my older brother but he doesn't really act like one. Pero okay lang. Ngayon lang kasi talaga kami nagkakilala." Tumango ako. I am observing his way of cleaning and he is doing it well. Halatang sanay na siya sa paggawa ng ganitong klaseng mga gawain. I wonder, what kind of family did he grow up in? He seems fine and happy and I assume that he was surrounded by genuine and kind people that shaped him into what he is now. He is somewhat a ray of sunshine. And… it's weird that it's all coming from me. Umiling iling ako ara maalis ang mga nasa isip ko. Kailangan kong tandaan na walang taong lumalapit sa akin ng walang motibo. For now, maybe he needs nothing but probably someday he will be needing my help. At iyon ang kailangan kong paghandaan. Pati na rin ang kaniyang paglisan kapag nakuha na niya ang tulong na kailangan niya. It really sucks how life works. "If you don't mind me asking, bakit nag-iisa ka lang dito?""I don't have anyone anymore," I say. As predicted, his forehead knotted in confusion. "What do you mean?"I sighed uncomfortably. I'm very anxious to talk about topics like this. Given that I never talked about my life for a long period of time. "Look, you don't have to. I understand," he says then gave me a reassuring smile.I put all my attention to the cup of ginger honey tea I was holding. It's hard to look in someone's eyes when you feel like crying. "They died," simpleng sagot ko sa tanong niya. He didn't utter any word about it after. He changed the topic, which I honestly appreciate. It's nice to be with sensitive people around once in a while. But sadly, people don't want me around. I was functioning as a side character in this world. Well, the side character isn't suitable for me as well. I think I identify myself as an extra. 'Yong taong dumadaan lang sa mga pelikula para lang magkaroon ng buhay ang paligid. That is basically me and I am completely okay with that. Matagal ko nang tanggap na hindi ako magiging bida sa isang pelikula at maging sa totoong buhay pa. Harken offered his hand to me. I look at him with confusion written on my face. He smiled brightly. "Mall tayo. Libre ko.""What for?" bigla kong naitanong bago ko pa mapigilan ang sarili ko.Harken's expression changed. "Lahat na lang ba ng gagawin ko may dahilan para sa'yo? Hindi ba puwedeng gusto ko lang talaga makipag kaibigan sa'yo?"I bit my lips to stop myself from blurting stupid words again. After a while, I look at him apologetically. "I'm sorry. Hindi ako sanay na may ibang taong kumakausap sa akin at saka hindi ko alam kung paano sagutin ang mga simpleng paanyaya," I truthfully answered. His face softens. "I see. Don't worry we will work on that. And I understand you completely.""Thank you." "So," he offered his hand again. I'm in awe while looking at him more closer this time. I can't believe someone could be this beautiful. "Shall we?"Like a damsel in distress, I accepted his hand like my life is really gonna depend on it. "Okay."We walked hand in hand. People in Route 88 starting to form their own theory on their minds for sure. And I also have my own speculation. First and all, why is Harken holding my hand like I am his own?We arrive at the mall after about one hour of driving. 'I missed the mall.' My first thought when we arrived. It's been a long time since I stepped into this big and wide mall near San Madrid, which is the town where you can find Route 88. I honestly like to hang out with myself in the mall but lately, my money is hindering me from doing so. My salary is just fine to secure my primary bills like electricity, water, groceries, and a wifi subscription. Only when I have spare money, I go to the mall to breathe.Honestly speaking, based on my own perspective, introverts like me really love to be in a place without anyone with them but will need someone when it involves and needed to talk to other people on our behalf. It's like having a representative to talk about things that we cannot say alone. But in the end, I am still alone and I need to speak or else I will be in trouble for not asking. Kahit hirap na hirap ako ay sinisikap kong labanan ang malakas na tibok ng
My dearest Harken,I hope you will take the time to read this letter until the very end. I don't have the courage to introduce myself to you. Not yet. I am still gathering some courage and I hope you are interested to know who I am…Mariing binura ni Hendell ang itinipa niyang sulat para kay Harken. Napakamot siya ng ulo habang pinagmamasdan ang nakasabit na kalendaryo. Pakiramdam niya ay mauubusan na siya ng oras kahit wala namang ibinigay na palugit si Monica kung kailan niya dapat tapusin ang pinapagawa nitong love letter. Pero kahit na ganoon ay kailangan niya pa rin na magmadali. Baka isang araw ay biglang sumulpot si Monica at bulyawan siya kapag nalaman nitong wala pa siyang nagagawa kahit dalawang paragraph.Eh kasi naman! Ang hirap talaga ng ipinapagawa nito. Oo nga't nakasama niya si Harken sa mall at sa cliff noong nakaraang araw, but that doesn't mean na magkakaroon na kaagad siya ng idea kung paano gawing makatotohanan ang l
Umiiyak na napaupo si Hendell at napasandal sa pinto ng kaniyang kuwarto. Inaatake na naman siya ng kaniyang kalungkutan. Wala sa sariling napatingin siya sa orasan. It's two in the afternoon.Isa isang nagfaflashback sa kaniya ang lahat ng nangyari noon. Ganoon palagi ang nangyayari tuwing inaatake siya. Lahat ng masasakit na alaala ay nagiging dahilan ng kaniyang paghagulgol. Sa sobrang sakit ay parang mawawasak na ang kaniyang ulo pati na rin ang kaniyang puso. She just wanted to live a normal life, mahirap bang ibigay iyon? Gusto niya lang magising ng walang bigat sa dibdib at walang tinatakasan at kinakalimutang bahagi ng kaniyang pagkatao. Gusto niya lang mabuhay.Pero bakit ayaw siyang tantanan ng kalungkutan?She opened her laptop. Kailangan niya ng distraction at umaasa siyang online si Syria para kahit papaano ay mayroon siyang mapaglabasan ng kaniyang mga sentimiyento. Tuloy tuloy lang na pumapatak ang luha niya at nanlal
"Now tell me, do you still want to be friends with me?"It was a tricky question coming from Hendell but Harken never thought of giving up just because of her self-doubt. Hindi ganoon ang gusto niyang ipakita rito. He always saw Hendell as a beautiful and strong woman hiding in a girl who can't move on from her past. Aaminin niya, noong una ay curiosity lang talaga ang nag udyok sa kaniya para lapitan ito. But later on, every single day that he spent with her? Hindi na curiosity ang kumikilos sa kaniya. It's the willingness and the wantness to be with her that talks.Because he likes her. Yes, in that short period of time. Hindi niya alam kung paano o kailan nag umpisa. He just found himself waking up in the morning and wanting to jump out of the window to see her right away. To start his day right. 'Cause seeing her felt right.Mas lalo niyang hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay nito. Sa ganitong paraan man lang, maramd
Kusang loob na sumama si Hendell kay Harken, hindi dahil sa nakokonsensiya siya o napipilitan. Gusto niya subukan na maging normal katulad nito. Now that Harken is beside her, she suddenly felt brave. Not the brave like no fear like. Iyon bang nagkaroon siya ng kaunting kumpiyansa dahil alam niyang nasa tabi niya lang ito."Ready?" nakangiting tanong nito nang makarating sila sa orphanage. She gulped. Ngayong nasa harapan na siya ng gate ay parang hinigop yata ang lahat ng lakas niya. Nanginginig at pinagpapawisan na rin ang mga kamay niya. It is funny because nothing happened yet but here she is, acting like everyone already harmed her."Yeah, I think so," alanganing sagot niya."Kung hindi mo talaga kaya, puwede naman tayong bumalik. Hindi kita pinipilit o inoobliga kitang samahan ako. My intention was to help you come out of your shell and I thought, this was the perfect place you could adjust. Dito kasi walang manghuhusga
First time na maramdaman ni Hendell ang kalayaang ipinagkait sa kaniya nang matagal na panahon. Kalayaang, sabihin ang nasa loob ng kaniyang puso. She finally confessed. At wala siyang makapang pagsisisi o pangamba. He made her brave and she will be forever grateful because he managed to awaken her inner strength. At sa pamamagitan nito iyon unang lumabas.She's trembling but she anticipating his response. Oo nga't nagtapat ito sa kaniya noong nakaraang linggo, pero maaaring mag iba ang magiging sagot nito ngayon. Kailangan niyang maging handa sa kung ano man ang kalalabasan."You like me?" Basag ni Harken sa ilang segundong katahimikan na bumalot sa kanilang dalawa.Nakagat niya ang ibabang labi niya saka tumango. "Oo. Gu- gusto kita."She is proud of herself for not sounding stupid. She wants to congratulate herself for finally being true to her own emotions. Na sa wakas, napagbigyan niya na rin ang tinitibok ng puso
Ilang araw nang walang paramdam si Harken kay Hendell magmula noong biglaan itong umalis ng restaurant kung saan sila dapat magdidinner. Noong gabi rin na iyon ay nagdesisyon siyang umuwi na lang dahil hindi siya ganoon ka kumportable na kasama si Marcio at Tres. Ni tawag o text ay wala siyang natatanggap mula rito. Nag uumpisa na siyang mag alala at hindi siya mapakali sa isang tabi. Her mind can't stop thinking over things that don't make sense at all. Kapag tinatanong niya naman si Marcio ay puro pagsusungit lang ang natatanggap niya. Napansin niya rin ang pagbabago ni Marcio matapos ang gabing iyon. Mas naging iritable ito at mainitin ang ulo.Hindi naman siya manghuhula para malaman ang lahat ng nangyayari. She hates being clueless! She hates it when she is worried about a blank space. Kahit update man lang sana, okay na siya doon. Pero ni 'ha' ni 'ho', wala.Mariin niyang hinilot ang kaniyang sintido. Nananakit na ito dahil sa walang tigil
Four months later…It's summer again. The heat of the afternoon used to make her the loneliest, but there's a lot of things changed in span of months. Every single trace of her old self seems to vanish in the air.She combed her hair with her fingers as she went to the cemetery to finally visit the grave of her parents. Not because she already forgave them, she just wanted to make sure that the pain they caused still lingers in her heart. She sighed. It's getting harder to breathe every time she remembers the heart-clenching moments she experiences way back. But the only consolation she was happy taking is that those horrible things made her stronger."You're suffering down there," She stated after her eyes landed on her father's grave. She took a deep breath, trying her best not to show any emotion. "I bet you both paying for your sins."Biglang umihip ang malakas na hangin. Pinakiramdaman niya ito at bigla siyang natawa ng