1: the shadow of me

10 months later

-  Nigel please give me a package! I begged in a trembling voice. I need it so much!

Nigel this guy tattooed everywhere that I know for almost 8 months and who thanks to his little drugs relieves my life. It is one of the best providers in the city and surrounding area. He started looking at me while he was smoking his cigarette...

"You owe me 100 petoches and you want me to give you back?" on credit and more.! ... He started. Laugh, laugh at me.

-I like you my little one but do not abuse it... It blows between two puffs of smoke...

I nervously tapped my index finger on my left leg and while trying to control this lack, I told him with all the composure that I had left in reserve. Damn it, I'm about to blow up a pipe!

-I promise you that as soon as I have enough to pay... I will come to see you.... goal... Steupleu....

(this time I can't put on a good face and he could read my distress in my eyes) I will do anything for sex....

My voice was jerky, my tone pleading... It's been 3 days! 3 days since I took anything and it stresses me out! I want to tear my hair out! To shout! To do anything even! ... except to stay there and think only about it! The way I'm going to feast on that little white powder that looked at me from the pocket of Nigel's sweet shirt. It's not his real name, like all the others. In this environment... We know less about you! The longer you live!

-You will do everything you say? he repeated, tilting his head to one side. I like to evaluate myself. My heart leaps into my chest as a glimmer of hope lights up in my heart... I shook my head up and down in assent... Then reflexively touched the thumb the recent scars that were there. Even killing someone seems ridiculous to me if it's for sex!

-I think we could find a solution, you and I... He comes off the wall and comes to stroke my hair and then.

-If you give me a good, I'll give you a bag of your smiley bae for free...

I could only understand the last sentence and nothing else existed... Yes..... Yes..... Yes...... I want my little bag!! And nothing else existed... I didn't even bother to think about what I was going to do... No! All I cared about was what Nigel waved under my net with a mischievous look. Who cares about dignity... After all, haven't I already been defiled? Nothing else! does not exist! I don't care! He undid his fly and released his huge already inflated Phallus and leaned against the wall... The hands were sticking out of everything... Yes everything. He took my head and pushed it against her sex, which I pray in my mouth.

-Come on, my little one, suck me well and you will have your cam. He said he began to undulate his hips.

My camera... my camera.... my camera... my camera... My... cam... It was the only thing running in a loop in my head. And as if my life depended on it... (And it is) I started sucking it until I had it in the back of my throat. faster and faster.... I even started kneading those testicles diligently and meticulously as he moaned with pleasure... until he tensed up and ejaculated Dans my mouth... I hurriedly stood up and wiped my mouth before hurriedly saying.

"Now give it to me.... I stretch out my trembling hand. He looked at my arm for a moment, which was scratched with many coarse scars and blisters, some still shiny and reddish, and I looked at his in a gesture of defiance to comment on my scars. And as always, with the power of my strange lavender eyes, he finally looked away with a shrug.

Then he gave me the bag which I hastened to take with relief...

-Honestly, you suck too much.... when you don't have money... We'll manage like this... All right?.. But I didn't listen to him anymore... I only had eyes for the little bag I had in my hands.... and the effect it will soon have on me... An effect that would top it off! I'm sure!

Arrived in front of my house, I climbed the steps and was about to open the door when something on the ground caught my attention... I bent down and picked up the envelope and opened it. There was a map. It has not been signed... But where were these words written. <<It's almost spring and he misses you>> Despite my foggy mind, I couldn't help but feel that there was an air of déjà vu with this text and me... a kind of feeling that something was wrong. I stood up swaying and looked around.... No one at this hour... Strange. My vision sometimes became blurry. Who can I miss? Who could need the human wreck that I am? I shrugged and threw away the envelope and card. After all, she is not signed this card! She was surely not meant for me this rosewater thing... Am I not alone? Haven't I always been? > I thought, clutching the small bag with a protective fist.... Especially since the horrible feeling of lack spread throughout my being this time... Having it on hand... Calmed me down a bit. few... But I have to take my dose quickly... I want to get high..... As I was about to open the door, a strange shiver flashed from head to toe and my neck burned me as if she couldn't bear the intensity of the gaze that was on me. Because yes, someone was looking at me. I turned around and looked down the street. No, there is no one! Or if... The neighborhood kids who are afraid to approach me and look at me from afar. I was about to turn around, but my gaze caught the card lying on the ground. Without controlling myself, I rushed over and picked it up to stuff it into my pocket. It was fragrant and the smell was not unknown to me. I opened the front door and without even glancing into the living room where the chaplain was probably glancing in front of the TV... I went straight upstairs to my room. I needed to get high.

♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️

The village of Sareel, a small insignificant point of the state of Idaho with few inhabitants. Kind of isolated old town, whose houses are isolated, isolated by a titanic forest and a mountain cover .....

A place where everyone knows each other! Where everyone knows everything about everyone... Brief! What rotten bloodletting!

This probably explains why every step I took on that fucking street was scrutinized and evaluated. ... Or maybe it's because of the way I dressed?

Today it was cold, yet I was barely covered rather convenient to try not to think about my tremors due to lack. You can't see the difference! And neither do I... Even if it's been a while since I bothered to hatch a few things. Today, I felt exceptionally aware of the weight of people's eyes on me.

I was no longer seen often at the sareel, I was more like a kind of ghost whoappeared here and there and provoked the same reason each time. Fear, mistrust, misunderstanding and finally pity.

They feel sorry for me and that's understandable. After all, I am the girl who, 1 year ago, was the one who was promised a bright future. Smart, beautiful, kind and talented, she was loved by all and lived in a perfect family!

Well! It wasn't as perfect as that my family!

The only thing I'm thinking about right now is not thinking about and so far it's working pretty well! Well, almost...

Because I didn't see Nigel again and we would have to wait until this weekend and I couldn't wait until then!

Basically, I had to pawn all the way to the town of Boise to find a dealer. Because it is rare to see this kind of guy during the week in villages like Sarreel.

There is no real deal because there are only sons, daughters with mom / dad too cowardly to go, nor to smoke a joint, especially since nothing really remains a secret here and they would be much too mortified that the locals look at them and whisper in passing. Above all, they don't want to be marginalized. Not like Lolary is.... That would be too difficult.

I know him very well thank you!

Before... I was like you.

But hey, I have my tablets in my pocket so the rest is pretty ridiculous, isn't it?

I couldn't wait to get home to clear my head and... From time to time, I brushed the back of my jeans to make sure my LSD was still there. . My hair that hasn't been washed in maybe 2 months fell to the front of my face and prevented me from encountering eyes that were becoming insistent.

ALL RIGHT! I only had dirty blood-stained panties from my period last month and a tank top with holes up to my boots and I was on my bike. But hey, I wanted my camera then....

Finally I turned left to take the path that leads to the back of the house. I threw my bike on the floor and burst into the house, heading towards my room.

But just as I was about to rush down the stairs, I was violently grabbed and pulled back. He was my father and every time I was in case I looked at him, I felt good. .... Tired.? Resentful? Enemy? Shorts! I wasn't well!

- You were the one who stole my money from the closet?

-yes and?

His eyes narrowed. He never knew how to react with me.

He hesitated and eventually opted for reprimand. Like a father does with his 8-year-old daughter.

- But let's see Lolary.... I need this money for. ... At.... pay the.... Bills!

I sneered, yes, that's

it! Bill for both of them!

We both knew that people felt so sorry for us that we were no longer asked for bills.

Still the whims of a small town with empathy.

-I don't care! I jerked away from him and turned around to climb the stairs.

- Sale little insolent! Where are you going to give me that money? ...

-OR WHAT A DAD!! I shout back.

His gaze was distorted by rage and he raised his right hand in the air in a gesture that left no room for doubt.

- Go ahead Daddy. I whisper as I lean closer to him. Hit me! His gaze became hesitant.

- Come on, you're dying! Go ahead! What are you waiting for to hit me?

Angry, I pushed him with all my might and screamed.

- GO MAKE ME! He closed his eyes in distress, as if he wanted to flee. The coward! He gritted his teeth as his hand frozen in the air trembled. I chuckled bitterly and took a step back.

-You don't dare, do you?" You can't do it huh? Not after what you did? You don't feel entitled to hit me because I'm a boxing killer! We both know why! Why are you looking me in the face! To look me in the eye! He suddenly opened his eyes, turned his back on me.

-Get hell out of here! For a moment, there was silence in the room. A silence that cannot understand how our in-laws got there.

- Go away, I tell you!

I don't pray. I climbed the stairs, fleeing the remnants of the past. I can't spend another month here.

He approached me and knelt between my legs... took a knife out of his pocket and, under my frightened gaze, methodically cut my clothes. They had ripped off my panties... Calloused hands played in my privacy... while others kneaded my breasts. The chef falls on me... arch my loins towards him... and penetrates me violently!

- We're going to fuck you like never before, little flower.... You will remember me until you die... You will be forever marked by us.... You will never bear to be touched. A laugh.... His laughter.... cold and strong..... He was laughing... He liked to hurt me...

-NO N!!

The cry of terror and horror coming out of my throat was almost unreal.

The closer the date got, the more I panicked. I was shaking, emptied my bladder on my duvet and probably woke my dad.

Because he knows it too. He is terribly aware, that in a month it is my birthday and that 22 days later, it will be 1 year. 1 year since my life was messed up.

1 year since I died inside.

1 year that this family no longer exists.

And I don't know if I'm ready for that!

♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️

I quickly walked down the hallway to the << Alcoholic Beverages >> nonchalantly and quickly, I grabbed a bottle of vodka and stuffed it under my jacket. Then I headed to the checkout to buy myself this box of chewing gum with a different flavor.

1 euro. But damn it! It's nothing but chewing gum! And it costs a shovel!

But thinking about the bottle under my jacket. I think that is a good compensation.

I had already walked through the door when the store manager ran after me. Damn! I got caught!

-Lolary gives me back the bottle!

Quick, I take it out under my jacket! Open it and take a good sip.

-Damage! But it has already begun.

I laugh as I challenge him to approach me. Everyone knows that I am the best boxer in town and a black belt in karate.

Suddenly, the principal's shoulders slumped and he dropped his broom before saying sadly.

-It's not you... All of it..... I want to see my little Lary again....... You're never sober... You have... damaged your skin. ... Your eyes are always red.... And then.. You fly... It's not you!

"Don't call me that anymore, George, is that clear?" Otherwise I will redo the portrait for you!

I threatened him with clenched fists and teeth.

I put my hood back on and left. I wanted to find a place where I could drink in peace. But looking up at the sky, I noticed that it will rain soon.

Better to get drunk in my room.

The door to the store opened.

-Hi George!

- Eyyy! But it's my little lary! The store manager said, taking the 12-year-old girl in his arms to give her a kiss.

-How was the school?

-Awesome! I got 10 out of 10 for a quiz.

-He deserves a reward, right? He plunged his hand into the candy jar, took a handful and gave it to the little one.

-THANK YOU! She said delighted. Do you want me to help you? I don't have a lot of homework today.

- Don't you go to karate class today?

-No. Mine dejected, she whispers with the wrong hands.

-I am the only one in my group who did not get the upper belt. I feel useless!

The store manager approached the little girl and said to her, holding his gaze.

-Never let yourself be defeated my child, it is not because your other classmates had the upper belt before you that it means that you are less strong than that. Everyone at their own PACE, it's the result that counts.

-Do you think I'll get it? She asked timidly.

-You will have it my beautiful and I swear that in a few years you will be the best boxer in town and that no one will dare to attack you!

"And I could defend your store against thieves and other thugs?" she asked with interest.

-Obviously! I trust you 100% on that. Which quickly made the little girl smile. And she jumped into his arms to give him a hug.

-Can you help me organize my new products on the shelves? I showed you how.

-Yes! She said suddenly after finishing her embrace. She jumped from the stool where she was sitting and entered the shed.

♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️

-Fuck him!

-You dirty little!

- Go and make yourself your mother! Or your father!

- You're going to stop peeing yes!

- I WON'T BE ABLE TO STAY LOCKED IN THIS CASA MESS!

I was stressed, I missed! I'm crazy! Against God! Against bad weather! Against this time, fool prevents me from entering here.

I turned around with a jerky movement and began to pacing again in my room, which had become a real mess given the nervous breakdown that I kept fart every quarter of an hour.

It hasn't stopped raining since last night!

-God does not happen! I exclaim about to tear my hair out.

-Damn since last year keeps hurting me! And I have to keep my shelves if I want to hold out until tomorrow afternoon because of course the storm won't stop until 22 long hours!

I really have to search the room for narcotics that I left lying around otherwise it's dead for me.

It's going to be a very long night. I have to find something to take care of! Otherwise this storm will drive me crazy! I burst out laughing! But..... I'm already crazy mdrrr!

♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️

I looked at my old alarm clock that (miraculously) was still working, and then I sighed.

Only 5 short hours have passed since I decided to face the storm.

It seemed like an eternity though! Damn the economy!

I threw away my broom (I was cleaning the brothel in my room).

As I took my box to << Effect>> On the shelf of my room, another book followed and fell to the floor.

I swore, I went to get him. A photo escapes.

And I recognize this photo.

I remember very well what I had transcribed on the back of the photo.

PAO AND I AT THE FUNFAIR.

PS: First kiss>>

A sneer formed on my lips as I carefully contemplated this photo where I was only 10 years old.

Like the time when I saw life in pink! that I felt invincible and above all with an indelible faith that my future belonged to me and that tomorrow will be even better than today.

Naive, idiotic and foolish!

There are many things we don't know. For example, when I was 8 years old and Paolo came to live in the city, I knew we were going to get along well, but what I didn't know was that 7 years later he was going to leave this country.

At 12 for me and 14 for him, we officially declared ourselves as a couple.

It was the time when Dad worked a lot. Where my grandparents lived next door.

The time I spent most of the morning at their place... The time when I loved squatting at George's house with Pao.

The time when my mother was normal.

I didn't know ALL that! had an end!

One of the most horrible that can exist!

But that was all a long time ago, this time.

It even looks like I'm talking about another life.

We both lasted two years.... Not only were we in love with each other, but there was also this great dose of friendship between us that made our relationship fusional.

But everything fell apart the day I found out he was leaving.

"I don't want you to go away. I sob.

- It's my father who forces me to do it, but neither do I. He

took me in his arms

– I'll always be there for you, ever! No, I would never let you down! And... I will surely come back for the holidays.

-Do we send emails every day?

-That's fine with me. He smiled as he gave me a kiss on the hair.

But we all know human nature, don't we...... He said he would always be there for me... He said we would write H24. He said he would come back... But of all these "promises"... what I didn't know... was only 2 weeks later..... My special descent into hell will begin..... And this Pao, My first love or childhood love... will only be a memory.

♦️♦️♦️♦️♦️

I opened my eyes, but had to close them too quickly because of the bright rays of the sun. Waiting for the sun? I blinked furiously to discover an extremely bright room.

I sat down despite my feeling of woozy. I can finally get out of here. And I thought I couldn't make it through the night. As I sat down, my hand struck the book that... I hesitated.

It's weird, I have his name on my lips but I can't say it. It was still my first love.... I chuckled.

Who Cares! He's not here anymore, is he? But isn't not remembering my name even worse?

I stopped.

I don't remember my name. And all of a sudden, it wasn't just my memory that was paralyzed.

I couldn't feel my body anymore! I didn't feel like myself anymore! It was like I was disconnected... And the abyss engulfed me...

Finally!

I smile.

I understand!

In my mist, part of my intelligence resurfaces to whisper to me that I sink into an alcoholic coma.

Yes! Finally!!