4 : ....hatred

The days that followed passed like a foggy, haggard dream.

I contacted Melz the next day to find out when I could start training, thinking that he would be the one to find me a place to train. But his sharp and clear response (Damn it's your job, I'm not your manager) ends up making me understand one thing.

I'll have to fend for myself!

And this is how, in addition to being a cameo, a fighter and a thief....I also became an expert in infiltration because every evening when the boxing club closed where I trained before I I slipped through the alcove that Sting never thought to close to drag me away.

After all, Saheel is such a cozy little town that people never really think about locking up.

But hey, he's an intelligent guy and I wonder how he understood but when I came back I found his key ring clearly visible on the table which lined the entrance.

I understood his recommendation. He wanted me to be properly equipped for these training sessions and therefore left me the keys to the equipment store which adjoined the other rooms. My tapes were damaged too so I wasn't going to be too proud either.

And then these distant conversations suited me well and the next few days that followed I would pass through the front door and each time, there was something waiting for me nicely on the high table.

My favorite chewing gum - sports magazines - a new wetsuit - new pairs of basketball shoes and even some money!

I knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to coax me like a domestic animal that had escaped into the forest and become wild. It took place little by little so that I could try to bring me back to my initial state.

He believed that the fact that I was resuming training meant that I was regaining a taste for life. That I was coming out of the abyss!

He and his townsfolk were going astray.

Him and his people as it should be!

Because of course everyone had heard of my sudden resurrection.

Even my two former best friends greeted me once as I walked past the school. They were in their final year this year, which further widened the gap between us.

But what they didn't know.

The closer the days approached, the more stressed I became. I didn't know how to hold myself still. How to deal with the idea that it will soon be THE day.

I was giving it my all on my punching bag. But nothing fixed that.

And Melz was nowhere to be found except for a few messages here and there.

But when days later he gave me an appointment with the docs just to give me the last details. I felt more or less relieved.

Because I realized that I wanted to see another PERSON besides the people of the city who knew like me what October 16 of this month meant.

-Suyakie is for Saturday 16th of this month your first fight. You have a week left to prepare. he said to me that afternoon while eating a burrito.

I faltered.

-L..... 16?

He looked up at me as if analyzing me.

-Well yeah if you have something planned you cancel! I had to go out of my way to get you to fight and find you an opponent with a reputation. ...it must be said that no one wants to bang a 15 year old kid....

He stopped, noticed that I had become livid.

-What do you have there? Don't tell me you're stressed.

My throat was dry, I shook my head.

-I ate something that didn't work...that's...that's all!

-Hmm!

He took the familiar little bag out of his pocket and handed it to me:

-The more the days pass, the more I will give you small doses. You have to not be too distracted by the lack of it on the day of the fight...but hey I think the adrenaline rush will wear off...

I had already dropped out of this last minute coaching. Because what caught my eye was the bag of cocaine full to the brim which had just fallen out of his pocket as he gave me the insignificant bag.

-You also need to...

-You know what? I interrupted him abruptly. I think you need to stop stressing me out with your floods of information. I already have enough problems with these stomach aches that make me want to shit....I'm going to go home...

-Damn Suyakie! It's not enough to fight! You also need to understand how the Dark World works....a simple deviation can earn you death.....

-Give me a briefing and send it to me by mail because at the moment I'm exhausted!! I lie shamelessly

-I'm not your fucking secretary!

-But you are my manager! And my actions will affect you, idiot!

He narrowed his eyes as if to probe me and with a disdainful gesture adjusted his jacket. And without a word he went off muttering nonsense worthy of a merchant.

He had barely turned the corner when I rushed to the ground to pick up the bag of cocaine, stuffed it in my pocket and turned around.

I don't think I could manage it at all!

Happy birthday Lolary!

No!

Truly not !!!

                                                                                    *****

1 week later:

Saturday October 16

Locked in my dressing room, I felt it.

The excitement that was in the air....this form of tension that distorted time in a certain way.....and.....the screams......

Those in the crowd delirious in the face of the violence which pitted two human beings against each other in a bloody fight....

We were hungry for blood... it was an almost bestial frenzy... instinctive!

And soon it will be my turn.

The room seemed to spin with me....under the electric sound of the music.

While in my tracksuit I staggered into the room. .....the floods of memories became even more intrusive in my head. ...

Even drugs didn't change anything!!

I remember. ....

I felt like it was starting again! That the nightmare started again....

I'm still in this clearing with mom. .....

And the four!

-Listen to me carefully Lola. she whispers with authority. We have to leave here immediately if we don't want something horrible to happen to us, okay? I will explain everything to you along the way but for the moment you keep quiet and just obey me...blindly

Maybe if I had obeyed without question...that I had avoided dragging my feet...maybe Dad wouldn't have woken up. ...

With a trembling hand I pour a row of powder on the table and with the energy of despair I snort....

-Mom......I let go firmly. What happens at the end! So where are we going?

-I...I'll explain everything to you once I'm safe! His tone was jerky... just know that your father got involved in some shady things and that has repercussions on us.

-Shady things....like the black car?

My mother nodded, confirming my intuition.

-I was planning to go to grandma's house, but we'll go straight to the police station....it's...it's safer!

The speed with which I downed the cocaine stung my brain a little.

For a brief moment I had the impression that all my senses were diminished... because I had the impression of being far from everything.

Far from this dressing room....far from myself!

Because the past is catching up with me!

And it all came back to me!

Again!

-But what do we have here! he gloated. So young and already such a beauty.

I tried to struggle...but he held me tightly.

Not the slightest opening.

-It's a real bomb!

- I could almost forgive her for hitting me...

-YOU ARE WELCOME! LET MY DAUGHTER GO....I SWEAR I WILL NOT FIGHT!

As if my mother wasn't there. he caressed my face as if fascinated.

-I understand that you wanted to run away with it! Having such a goddess under your roof with what we had come to accomplish at your house this evening could stress anyone out!

-Yeah, you look like an old house...yet even before yesterday you were super horny in my eyes.

-I AM READY! I'M MORE THAN READY! DON'T CARE ABOUT HER! I'M THE SUBJECT OF THE CONTRACT!

-I doubt the boss knows the existence of this creature! Otherwise he wouldn't have sent his loyal right-hand men to work on you!

My mother widened her eyes and stopped for a moment when she realized what he was referring to.

-No. she sighed. No..not my daughter! NOOO! Please! LEAVE THERE! Please...

My body was jolting. ...I turned my head from right to left to look for my cocaine! At the same time I was startled when screams even more powerful than anything I had heard came from the stands.

There was a winner for this fight and she was really popular.

And it is against her that I will oppose in a short time...

-Listen! Breathes my mother, her eyes almost crazy. I'M SORRY! PARDON! I SHOULD NOT HAVE RUN AWAY! REALLY! AND...AND NOW I WILL OBEY! LOOK..

She managed to escape from her captor's embrace and threw herself at the feet of the three others who were holding me.

His terrified gaze met mine's pleading one.

Mom! Please...get me out of here....I don't want him to do this to me....I don't want him to put me through this..

-I WANT YOU TO PURGE ME LIKE NEVER! FUCK ME! I CAN EVEN TAKE YOU IN TWO! ALL THAT YOU WANT! FUCK ME! BUT LEAVE MY DAUGHTER.....

Her voice broke...but she didn't flinch...she tore her shirt revealing her still firm chest.

The leader of the quartet seemed to hesitate....then smiled.

-No! he sneered, shoving my mother and settling himself better between my thighs.

Violent knocks on the door pulled me out of my reverie.

-Damn Suyakie it’s going to be your turn soon!!!!

Melz...

Oh yes, it’s true, I locked the door!

-But the hell open!!

I can not!

I hit rock bottom...

These blows became even more impatient...

-SUYAKIE IF YOU DON'T OPEN THIS DOOR I SWEAR TO BREAK YOU SO I CAN BREAK YOUR DIRTY METHIS MOUTH!!

He didn't understand...I wasn't there. ....I got. ....

Again, I snorted a new dose.....if I could listen to Melz's talk that means I'm not high enough!!

-Since no one told you anything, I'm going to do it. Your drunken father owes our boss money! Well since he can't pay...in his kindness our boss agreed to be paid in another...way.

And without gentleness and with perverse joy he began to come and go inside me!

His smile was replaced by grunts of pleasure that made his eyes roll back...

At one point he widened my shirt to knead my breasts with beastly violence as if to cling to my body and this time his thrusts were strong and brutal....

The other 3 were laughing and were also impatient to take their turns...it was visible that the chef was having fun.....

-But damn Suyakie! Holy SHIT!

Melz stood in front of The Broken Door with a skinny little guy with an unreadable expression and I could almost see through those eyes...

A teenager slumped on the ground, half dead and her eyes flooded with tears... a lot of tears!

He rushes next to me and with this mini flashlight that he was never without, he shines my eyes to look for I don't know what!

-You really are an asshole!! I try to wean you off and you, at the first opportunity, steal my coke to get high the very night of your first fight.

I snickered as I looked at his half-furious, half-worried face.

-It's you who.....e....is stupid....you dropped him without paying attention. ..bah....jeee mmme am served.....you....you...see!

He took a deep breath before turning to the other guy...

-Find Telly and tell her to make me her weird anti-junkie concoction.

He nodded and hurried out of the room.

Meanwhile, Melz puts his hands under my arms and legs, pulling me against him. Which made me panic again 1 year ago in my brain!

-Stopped ! What are you doing! Don't touch me!

Without paying attention he got up and carried me as if I weighed nothing.

-There is no question that you will ridicule me tonight in the same way that there is no question that I will fail my investment!

-But I....

-Whore! Do not look for me! I don't know what your fucking problem is girl! But I have 1 hour to get you back on your feet before your fight and that's what I'm going to do, so you shut up!!

With that, he left the room and wandered down the corridors until he turned left to reach a more luxurious dressing room in which I was. I noticed a small door and he headed towards it.

He suddenly released me angrily, opened the door and pushed me into what is a bathroom.

Like a recalcitrant kid, he orders me to undress and get in the shower for a cold shower.

Seeing me inert, he huffed and unceremoniously grabbed my t-shirt to take it off me. ..

And that's when everything went wrong!

-Let go of me! Do not touch me ! Whore! I don't want to be touched! I'm dirty! Dirty! DIRTY!!!!

I started to punch him with punches unworthy of a boxer...but I didn't care!! I had hatred! I was at the end! I had just broken down!!

Almost tearing my hair out and out of control. Almost crazy...between my sobs I poured out everything I had in my fucking heart to Melz!!!

-I'm hurt Melz! I have this fucking hole in my chest that won't stop getting tighter until. ...until I couldn't breathe! I did everything to forget, to escape from this nightmare! All! But....but tonight.....I...don't....I can't pretend. ..BECAUSE I SEE THEM! I SEE THEM BEING....BEING AT ME....

And as if all that wasn't unrealistic enough.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me to his chest and held me tight, whispering Spanish words. ..

For a moment the contact froze me...

Then little by little...I don't know why for the first time since that night when I went into lethargy realizing that no one was going to come....

I let myself go, suffocating, in tears and stammering everything that my denial has until then dared to say.

-Nothing...will ever be the same again. I have. ..I lost everything! I have nothing left of my family! Of my joy of living! Even my body no longer belongs to me! ....all...the....the time....their faces above me....I....they are...engraved...by...everywhere Melz!

My tears redoubled.

-Everywhere. ....they are everywhere!.....and while I am like this! They continue their lives after having destroyed mine...and...everything else.

His lips brushing my temples, he stopped rocking me and let out a whisper.

-Then destroy theirs.

I was still sobbing trying to understand what he was saying to me.

But nevertheless he must have thought that I had not understood because he slowly pulled away from me and with a careful gesture lifted my chin with a finger so that he could look into mine.

-Lolary, don't let them get away with it. Don't let them destroy you, you hear me?

He grabbed me with such force that it hurt.

-You must not be weak! Get up fucking because the weak get crushed!

As silent tears continued to flow down my cheeks, I pursed my lips to prevent any sobs from escaping.

-My father was the most respected man in town, people considered him a wise man and often came to him for advice like he was a fucking saint!! But what they didn't know was that behind the walls of our house, this honored man was a sadist and beat and raped his own wife! That she died! But while my mother was being put underground, and “daddy” was taking my little sister in his arms and caressing her in a questionable way. ...I knew she was next.

He comes close to my ear and whispers.

-Two weeks later I killed him with his M7.

Then He turned me towards the full-length mirror in the shower and forced me to look at myself in the mirror.

-If I hadn't done it. My sister would have become like you but Lolary, unlike her, was not destined to be that, to be a rag! You can be better. I knew as soon as I saw you that you were made to shine and to dominate and These guys before you and after you, how much life did they destroy and they got away! They get away with it every time! So I tell you, as I did it! Make sure there is no next time! Avenge yourself! GET REVENGE THE FUCK!! BECOME STRONGER AND BECOME POWERFUL! NO ONE CAN HARM YOU ANYMORE! IF YOU ARE AT THE TOP YOU WILL NO LONGER BE FUCKING PREY! BUT THE HUNTER! DON’T GET OVERWHELMED BY THIS TRAGEDY! YOU’RE FUCKING 16 YEARS OLD! AND LIFE AHEAD OF YOU!

-I...I...but...

-There are no buts! It's up to you whether you're going to let your past overwhelm you or use it to become stronger!

He grabbed a lock of my hair and twisted it in his fingers.

-If you choose the first option, you will end up dead in a gutter or you will join your mother in this psychiatric hospital. If you choose the second, you will have the chance to find them and make them endure a thousand sufferings, you will taste power, you will be able to Suyakie; chase their marks from your mind and especially from your body....while they beg you on their knees to spare them after you delight in making them taste ten thousand tortures of your choice....aren't that not tempting?

I met his gaze in the mirror, this time I had finally finished crying.

Get them out of my mind and...from my...body?

And my answer came out in the most natural way.

-Then fuck me.

He shifted slightly surprised by my calm tone and my request.

I turned around to face him and looked determinedly into the sky.

-I want to erase their traces from my body Melz, regained power over my body....so fuck me!

I was already in scantily clad clothes, but it was as if Melz, looking over my body, realized again that I was indeed a girl.

When he looked at me again, those eyes were clouded with desire.

Without a word, he grabbed me and threw me in the shower and joined me there.

I needed to be cleansed.

*****

Later, exactly 45 minutes later, when my name as the new kid in the ring was announced, I was still clouded by my overflow of emotion.

But........

My gaze was no longer haggard.

My hands no longer shook.

I no longer craved sex.

No.

As I approached the center to greet my opponent.

She met my dark, hateful gaze.

She shivered.

I smirked.

-Indeed! Today is not your lucky day. I whisper to him. Because your opponent, me! I cry out for vengeance and you will be the first to taste its dark flavor.

But she had already taken back the beauty's hair and squeezed my hand until she crushed it.

-The ones who brag are the most pathetic. She giggles while giving me a suggestive smile.

I just shrugged my shoulders because I knew that from now on I would be merciless!

From now on I am no longer Lolary.

This girl is truly dead in my eyes!

But Suyakie will one day avenge her.

RIP Lolary!

Yes rest in peace...

And let me handle the rest.

I will become powerful enough for that.

The bell rang.

The match could begin.

And I would be able to start letting off steam.

Thanks Melz.