Thank heavens Vicky is the first one to break the silence. " You have been called by Doctor Anthon." She tells Connor who gives me a sideways glance before he turns on his heel and walks away.
Now being left with Vicky, I decide to not fall back into that silence and go inside my room, where she follows behind and I won't be surprised if she questions me of my whereabouts.
I throw myself on the bed and stare at the ceiling, letting my body weight to take over. The silence still remains between us and I decide to sit upright on the bed. I see her standing by the door, watching me.
" New friend?" She finally asks.
I shrug, getting up off the bed and walking over to my closet, to search for something to change into. I finally find what I'm looking for, which is a short sleeved grey shirt.
I turn to face Vicky .
"Is he in trouble?" I ask her.
" You know that I can't share that with you."
" I know."
" Then why'd you ask?"
"Just trying my luck." I say, heading back to my bed.
Vicky is acting rather strange now, making me curious but not enough to question her.
" You missed your activity today and I don't want to know why."
" Okay." I simply say.
She turns to leave but then she changes her mind, she looks over her shoulder and says." Promise me, you won't come back."
I don't say anything.
I notice her eyes troubled.
" Are you okay?" I finally ask.
" I don't want to see you here again." She repeats before leaving my room.
I understand the meaning behind her words, in her own way, she is saying that she wants more for me and that I deserve better. I should be out there enjoying life, breaking the rules and making mistakes, instead I keep on finding myself here.
I walk over to the door to close it but am brought to a hault when I see Connor, heading my way. His head is hung low and I wonder if he is okay.
Ten feet from me and that's when he raises his head and looks at me, just like he sensed my presence. Our eyes lock for just a few seconds before his eyes leave mine and he walks past me, heading to his room. It takes quite a while for what just happened to register to me, it only happens right after the sound of his room slams shut.
A few seconds was all it took for me to acknowledge that he wants to be alone and that something is troubling him. Without another word, the sound of another door slamming shut echoes in the silence, and this time it's mine.
******
Group sessions, I'm not very fond of them. Actually I'm not a fan of eye, especially when the spotlight is on you and you have to spill out your guts out for everyone to hear, not so they only know your story but for the story itself to have some form of impact on someone. Whether it is for a person's boost of confidence, the understanding of ones place or to bring some sort of comfort to those still healing.
Sitting around in a circle while Mrs Shelton conducts the meeting, I listen as Nancy Shelton , our group therapist and advisor, an attractive woman with long red hair and black eyes speaks to us. She is a total free spirit, who believes so much in communication and usually has weird, funny but cool methods, in which we always have to conclude on the lesson learnt or hidden messages behind the task .
I sit silently as I let my thoughts overcrowd me while Candy Baker pours her heart out, not that I can exactly blame them for giving in to Mrs Shelton's persuading words.
" I thought things would be easy you know." Candy says, pulling me to attention.
" I thought that I could just come here and after a day or two, I could prove to everyone that I am not crazy."
" You aren't crazy." Mrs Shelton cuts in.
" I know, or at least I think I'm not. You see it's not that I - oh sorry, I really believed that I could do this." Candy slumps back into her seat in defeat.
" No, it's okay, these things take time, don't beat yourself up about it." Mrs Shelton says in a calm voice.
For a moment silence takes over before she speaks up again." Alright, Fiona, would you mind if you'd share a little something, so we may get to know you?"
Most eyes turn to her and I can just sense her nerves from way over here. You see Fiona is new here and by how she's vigorously playing with her fingers and eyes darting between us and the door, I can guess her next movement, almost as if I can taste it. It's not strange at all because not so long ago, that had been me, where I did a runner and it took me some time to return. Fiona is different and do you know why I tell you she's different?
Here's why.
" I'm leaving on Saturday." I blurt out and I know that I sound like a broken record right now, since I've mentioned this so many times but I don't care.
At the moment of my interruption, Fiona instantly relaxes but not before she froze for a second, thinking she's the one who might have said something outloud.
Only after realization of who it was, did she calm down .
Now eyes snap to me and I gulp in nerves. " And how do you feel about that?" Mrs Shelton doesn't miss a beat in which I'm grateful for.
" I don't really know, maybe I'm a bit afraid of what I may return to, that things are too different that I might not even be able to keep up."
" It hasn't been too long." Mrs Shelton says.
" It might not be so from here but outside is different."
" True, but in order for the change or taste of the different atmosphere to become adjustable for you, you too should have a sense of change in you too." She pauses.
"You know what I always say, things take time ,which means you too should be patient enough to fall instep with those times." She gives me a nod before her eyes dart between the clock and then to everyone in the room.
" Another process to healing is to not rush into things, you need to sit back and be in deep thought, take yourself to those times before everything went downhill and compare it to those dark times, see how different you were then and how you still can be that . I'm not saying it will be easy to just switch off those voices and those haunting moments, no. It all comes with self recognition and self discovery, confrontation, removal of old things passed and and and......." She looks around at each and everyone of us.
" That seems like a lot of hard work." One of the guys, Frankie complains.
"But the results are great, now I hope we all took a little something from today's meeting and that you'll hold on to it and use it, of course. Alright thank you everyone, I'll see you next time." She says, rising up from her chair, followed by everyone else.
As I place my chair in its place, I feel a light tap on my shoulder and I jerk around in surprise.
" You know Bailey, maybe you aren't afraid of the change you'll run into but the change in you." Mrs Shelton says.
I don't say anything.
" Look ,you've come too far now, embrace the change and look after yourself of course." She tells me, patting my shoulder before she turns around and walks away, leaving me in deep thought.
Still in thought and walking out of the room, totally heading to my room for an early night cap, I'm brought to a hault when I notice Fiona right outside the door, leaning against the wall. Meaning to walk past her, she suddenly comes over to stand infront of me, now blocking my view and pulling me to a stop.
She's inches taller than me, I realize.
" Hi." She says.
" Hi." I respond.
" Um, I just want to say thanks, for back there." She trails off while shifting awkwardly on her heel.
I simply stare at her for a while until she returns my gaze.
" I don't like eyes too, so....." I trail off, not quite sure of what to say next.
" Sure didn't look like it." She mutters, making me frown at her.
" I mean the way you just stepped in and took charge."
" I should go." I cut in and don't waste time in sidestepping her.
" Hey!" She calls after me and I look over my shoulder at her.
" Thanks again." She says before she walks away .
Not wanting to think too much about what just happened, I decide to continue on to my room, where I had planned to go in the first place.
Now the funny thing is that when I got to my room, almost through out the night, I spent my time just staring up at the ceiling, not being able to sleep.
*****
There's certainly no more days to count now , today's the day that I leave the center to go to my own home. I'm not exactly sure of how I really feel about today, since my mind has been clouded by thoughts about yesterday.
I can definetly say that yesterday was different and Connor too, I didn't see much of him yesterday and when I did, he never talked to me once nor even say hi. Oh and he didn't even dare look my way, it was like we were perfect strangers.
It was almost like we had never spoken to each other before, not that I can blame him. We aren't exactly friends and I'm leaving today, so what was the use of us getting to know each other in the first place, not that we needed to anyway.
Now all I'm doing is sitting on a chair, staring out the window, trying to take everything in.
" Your mother's here." Vicky says from behind me.
I sigh, rising to my feet and turning to look at her.
" Ready to go?" She asks me but I don't respond, taking my already packed suitcase.
Before I can take my other bag, Vicky takes it. "Bea..." She calls me.
I look at her." Tell me what's in your mind?"
" I...."
With words etched in my tongue, just at the moment of releasing them , a knock on the door cuts me off. We both turn to look at the person, who is none other than Patrick.
" Ladies, thought I should check on you, maybe you might need some help "
"Umm, sure." Vicky quickly says and by the expression on her face, I'd say she didn't quite expect the word to come out.
" Thank you." I intervene and hand my suitcase to him, in which he takes ahold of . I decide to head out first so I can give them some privacy for a bit, while walking away.
Honestly something feels amiss and the more the distance grows between me and my room, the more I become instantly lonely. Shrugging the feeling off, I near the entrance room, more like the reception, only to not enter but stand frozen by the front door, my eyes focused on the sight infront of me.
My mother is here, in conversation with someone, Dr Anthon.
My feet are too slow today, it's like they are made of steel or something and I'll explain why I feel this way. All the way from my room, down to the reception area, I have been dragging my feet and it's not by choice but my feet which are like rooted to the ground.It's as if they don't want to move at all while my mom is moving about normally. I watch her talking to doctor Anthon, who's standing by my mom's car with her arms behind her back, giving off a more relaxed and content like expression while she listens to my mom blabber about God knows what.When I said that my feet are too slow I meant it, I'm still standing in the front door, staring at my mom and doctor Anthon.A soft hand touches my shoulder and I already know who it is. I watch the two ladies for a bit, being busy in conversation."You know how bad I am with goodbyes, so I won't say it."" I know." I tell Vicky.
Nothing seems worse then what I had experienced 10 minutes ago. I woke up with me in the emergency room where I was bombarded by people, oh and not just any people, Mom, Vicky, Doctor Anthon and a doctor .I got both a scold and hug from my mom, the doctor telling me of my sugar levels being low and me being dehydrated, oh and that I need to get the necessary foods since my body was still very much small, whatever that meant. Doctor Anthon was just Doctor Anthon, who said a few words apart from Vicky who has not spoken anything.So now it is two hours later and I am sitting on the bed that I was lying on and my mom is just standing by the window, refusing to look at me while we wait for Doctor Anthon to come in." I'm sorry." That's all I manage to say which almost sounds like a whisper.My mom shifts slightly and looks at me. Looking at her now, I see both concern and a bit of hurt deep within. Now
Calm. That's me right about now.I had a fulfilling spiritual therapy and now I'm sitting on a bench outside , enjoying the cool air but of course plans are thrown out the window when I see Connor coming my way.The memory of last night invades my calm thoughts and now regret plays deep within me. Last night shouldn't have happened.I shouldn't have revealed myself so much, having myself exposed and vulnerable and letting him see me so weak. It shouldn't have to be up to him to comfort me and bear my baggage, I just can't do that to him when he too is dealing with his own stuff, I just can't be that selfish.My thoughts soon disappear when I see him standing in front of me and he is smiling at me, not a big smile just a small one." I think I might be in trouble," he says as he takes a seat next to me."Bound to happen." I say and he smirks at me and my lips lift int
It's been 2 days since I last talked to Connor and in all honesty, I feel utterly bored and have been down.I can't blame anyone but me. This is my own doing and now I will have to deal with it.I'm pretty sure that I'll be annoying Vicky soon with how I have been been in these two days. I've withdrawn a little bit and we don't talk as much and that I know greatly, how frustrating it can get for Vicky.I can't lie and say that there isn't that twinge of hurt, when I walk past him or have him avoid me at every chance he gets. It's there and damn it, I can't help but admit to missing him. I still don't get what it is about him that makes trying to put distance between us so hard, I mean we don't exactly know each other but gosh, if I don't miss that boy.Even through my internal battle of trying to suppress any thoughts of him or the fact that I miss him, I can't ignore that I pretty much asked him to stay away from me and to leave me be. I was doing
Nothing seems better than today, being under nice cool weather and having a nice book in hand, to keep me entertained. I'm seated under the same tree that I've sat at, for all these years and just like the last time being here, I feel relaxed and feel like nothing can mess up my mood.I'm all done with my activity and now have nothing better to do but let thoughts of Connor to invade my mind. It's hard not to miss him, even after days have passed, I miss our friendship and just having someone in my corner.Well I may feel all these emotions and fight with my decision of whether to let him back into my life or not, whilst still here at the center. I know that I should do as Vicky had advised and do all I can to actually leave, but leaving seems like my last priority when I think about Connor and our little friendship.Thinking about what I want at the moment, I think back to a time when I'd had those book moments whic
Distracted, that's me.I've been like this for most of the time mom has been here, telling me all about her Mr Perfect.Okay, I love my mom but gosh, the way she has been carrying on about this person makes the idea of meeting him one thing to dread doing. I feel like she's trying way too hard for me to be impressed, which is not the case at the moment.I mean I'm not very fond of the way their relationship seems to moving , its pace proves quite fast and I don't want my mom to get burnt and crash like her past relationships, where I was one left to help her get back onto her feet. In those times I've found myself neither having a choice but to be dragged into watching soppy romantic movies, eat alot of junk food and listen to heartbreaking songs.No, not this time. I can't go through all that again.Placing all concerns aside and actually taking a good look at my mom now, I notice something I haven't seen before, it's diffe
"Okay, it's simple, we introduce each other and go with the basics. It's just a way to get to know more of each other." Conner explains and I just stare at him.Both Connor and I are sitting right outside my door, it's late but I can't sleep. Connor surprised me by rocking up on my doorstep, whining about not being able to sleep too and that he's bored, so as a good friend, I thought I'd keep him company, right outside my door and not in my room." I think we should skip introductions, we are way past that." I suggest.He quirks his brow at me before saying, " I'm tall, good looking and -""And you are bad at this.""How come?"" All I hear from you is about how you look but not about you." I say, making him sigh out, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes."Okay, I'm the last born at home and I dislike the responsibilities that
I knew that I shouldn't have asked him, now I'm instantly starting to regret it.Okay, so after I asked him about the way he was looking at me, I got my answer. Not much was said but his actions spoke for him, when he started to climb the tree that I was sitting under.Now here I am, busy climbing the tree and mentally praying that I don't fall."Ha." A sigh escapes me after I finally join him and I am sitting as comfortable as I possibly can.Looking down, I realize that it is a bit high, which doesn't help that dizziness wants to take over right now.Moving my eyes elsewhere but the ground, I feel his eyes on me, making me to look at him, only to see a frown on his forehead." Are you okay?"" Yeah, just trying to figure out how much injury I'll get once I make the jump."" You are not jumping from here." He says, shaking his head." Why not?" I ask , frowning at him." Because I don'