It is one of the reasons I love him, yet I feel so alone right now like no one has any idea what I am going through. The car stops. Looking up, we are already home. Getting out, I walk into the house. Not saying anything, I walk straight upstairs. I can’t face the questions right now. Getting changed, I climb into bed. Right now, is the time I would love to fall asleep so easily, yet my mind just won’t stop. It keeps going on and on about everything I have done wrong that has led to this point. I can hear the faint talking downstairs. I can’t make out what they are saying and, to be honest, I don’t care. They can’t be saying anything about me worse than I am already thinking. Looking around this room, I can’t help but wonder if our relationship is toxic. Sure, it might not be like me and Max but all these issues, maybe it is a sign? Laying here, every possible thought goes through my head - why it is my fault, why I might deserve this and how much I hate myself. 

“Dinner is ready now.” Turning. Jackson is at the door. I have spent nearly four hours writing just for the blog. I have not even done work. Okay around three of those four hours I spent reminiscing about that night but still, a long time to spend on just the blog. “Okay. I will come down now and bring the laptop then I will finish everything downstairs with you.” Getting up, I grab the laptop. Going to walk out the door, Jackson takes it off me and carries it.  I can’t even carry a laptop, really? No arguing, just let it go and carry on. Following him downstairs, I sit at the table. I still, even now, find it strange to be sitting here without Marcus. He has become part of the family, which really is not a good thing.“Right, so we have a choice: more Christmas films, or we do something crazy and watch something like Easter films, just so we get a break from the big red guy.” Jackson laughs, looking at me and waiting for my answer. “I

“Right, he will be here in two minutes. Grab your things and say goodbye to my wife because she is going to bed.” Jackson walks in, helping her up, and to get her coat on Georgina pulls a face at him. “It is only eleven o’clock. Does daddy give her a bedtime now as well?” Yeah, she is gone. Poor Liam is all I can think. He has all this to come tonight now. “No, but considering she is pregnant, passed out, fell down the stairs and has to be up in the morning, I am making it an order tonight.” He looks at her and then at me. “I am more than willing to comply. I am tired now anyway. I will see you soon, Georgina.” After hugging her, Jackson walks her to the door just in time for Liam to open it. He looks at her in shock because of how drunk she is. “Really, did you share any of the alcohol with, Alena?” He is laughing so clearly isn’t too angry about the whole thing. “No, because she went and got pregnant again.” Oh great!

Walking upstairs to the office, I sit down. Going through paperwork, I try to concentrate but I just can’t, my mind constantly asking me why I am delaying finding out. Why am I delaying it? I could find out now and just not say anything until the girls are in bed, but then that would be wrong. I can’t hide the truth from Jackson.  I know I wouldn’t be able to look him in the eyes knowing he’s the dad and not tell him, and it would break my heart seeing him if I knew he wasn’t.  So, it waits until tonight. Sitting, I get into the paperwork, trying to forget everything. Right now would be a good time for Jackson to help me into my subspace. That is one good thing that came from today for sure - the baby is fine so we can use the playroom again. Nothing considered edge play, or too rough, but still, I can have some things in there.  I feel tired. Leaning my head against my arm, I close my eyes, the thought of today just making me exhausted

He smiles at me, his finger stroking along my cheek. “Just because you’re pregnant, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy sex. You can. I just need to tease you a lot with words and thoughts of what we have done before.” Looking up at him, I smile. “Oh, you did that already. Just teasing me with your words made me wet.” His slight chuckle is full of humour. “I did. Maybe tomorrow I will play one of the videos for you. Mmm, which one shall I put on?” Oh, now that would be amazing! “What do you mean which one?” Looking at him, I sense there are more than just two. “Well, every time we have been in here since you agreed to live stream is recorded and that time at work is also recorded, all for you. Beforehand at least one camera was always on recording, that was for safety though, not pleasure hence only one camera before.” Oh, now that sounds good. “The time at work, as in the Christmas party? If so, it has to be that one.” I don’