I sucked in a breath the moment the lighter grazed my skin. A shiver ran down my spine, making the hairs on my body stand in attention. This was a painful pleasure that I will never get over, or have enough.
A malevolent smile crept up on my face, as the fire burned deeply into my flesh. I wanted to feel the tingle of the flame and there was no way that sensation was missed. It sent me to cloud number nine and I never wanted to come down. The fire on my skin gave me a kind of deviled high that I could not get from drugs.
Throwing my head back to lean against my door, I exhaled. No one could understand what I was feeling right now and if only people were not shallow minded, insanity wouldn't be a word in the dictionary.
The ecstasy of pain has never been fully experienced before, it is a feeling which taste bittersweet and it is addictive like a drug that encapsulates reality into fiction with its realness. I have felt it and it has continued to fuel my insides with the illusion of my existence.
"Zamani!"
The music playing in my ears were loud enough to block out anything. However, whoever shouted my name in the most disrespectful and disturbing manner did it in a way that it rang through my eardrums.
Someone pounded on my door, prompting my head to vibrate from the impact. Acting on impulse, I flung the lighter under my bed and unplugged the earphones in my ear.
The knock continued rapidly and it was beginning to get under my skin. Swinging the door open, I was met with my brother's annoying face. "What do you want, Bilen?"
Bilen chucked his head into my room, a smile plastered on his face. Ever since I came to the realization that he was my brother, I have tried so hard to mould him like me and wipe that smile off his face. "Are you busy right now?" I rolled my eyes at his question. "Uh…what is that smell? Are you smoking in here?"
"What. Do. You. Want?" I enunciated, fighting the urge to kick him in his stomach.
Bilen shrugged, and walked through the door. My room was a mess, with clothes and books strewn across the floor, but he didn't seem to mind. He flopped down on the recliner and stretched out his legs as if he owned the place. "Are you busy?"
I took a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut. I exhaled at once and turned to stare at him. If he finds out that I was burning myself, he will report me to our grandparents and I will be forced to go back to therapy. "I am busy. As you can see, I have homework."
"It doesn't seem like it to me, Zamani," Bilen pointed out, clasping his palms together. "Anyways Orion and I are going to a party and I was wondering if you wanted to tag along."
"And be the third wheel to your boy band? No, thank you." I was not the usual antisocial type, the issue is that I hate going out on a school night despite being in college and I hate third wheeling with my brother and his friend.
"Why? Is it because of Orion?" Bilen questioned, raising his eyebrows at me. "Don't you want him to find out how little your wicked heart thumps for him?"
I have had enough of this man here. In a heart where misery and affliction existed, there was no space for affection. The only thing I felt towards Orion was pure hate. There was something about him that makes me want to slit his pretty throat with my teeth and watch him bleed. "Get out of my room."
"Uhh…come on, Zamani," Bilen groaned.
"Get out of my room, Bilen," I hissed.
"Really, Zamani? Are you seriously sending me out of your room because of what I said?" Bilen questioned, standing up from the recliner. He walked past me as I was stationed at the door.
"Get out and don't come back again."
Bilen sighed and left the room. I immediately shut the door behind him, letting out a long breath that I didn't realize I was holding. I placed my palm on my chest and my heart was beating faster like a caged animal that wanted freedom.
I hated it whenever I was feeling anxiety caused by little things. Truth be told, it was hard for me to tell whenever random feelings were coursing through me. All I know was that whenever my heart thumped fast, it was a call for my drug— pain.
Running to my bathroom, I grabbed open the drawer on my dressing table and brought out the bottle of zoloft, popping the cover up as I took two pills and swallowed. The effect of the drugs were slow and it was not relaxing my mind at all. I needed something instant.
My eyes trailed to the hair dryer on top of the table. Smiling mischievously, I picked it up and plugged it into the socket and turned it up, making it very hot. I raised my gown up to reveal my bare thigh.
Excellent!
The impact of the dryer scorched my thighs, sending hot shivers that made a new wave of adrenaline course through my veins. I blocked out the noise from the dryer and focused my energy on the excruciating agony I was inflicting on myself.
I let out a muffled moan, as tears rolled down my face. Every inch of me enjoyed what I was doing to myself and even though my brain was supposed to reject the affliction, it accepted it into the core of my being.
"Zamani!" Bilen's voice resounded all the way into my bathroom.
"What?!" I shouted back, turning off the hair dryer and stepping out of the bathroom, only to find Bilen in my room. "What do you want, Bilen?"
Bilen scoffed, his hands tucked in the pocket of his trousers. "I'm leaving already."
I nodded, a lump growing in my throat. "Send me the address."
"Okay." He was about walking out of the room when he stopped on his tracks. "Stop hurting yourself by neglecting your feelings for Orion. He's outside, just in case you want to greet him."
"Get out of my room, Bilen," I warned, glaring at him.
Bilen chuckled, his pearly whites on display. "I will tell him you love him."
"Bilen!" I was not having any of it and I was instantly pissed, which made me grab him by the collar of his shirt and pushed him outside of my room.
"Jesus! Zamani chill. It is just Orion," Bilen said.
I slammed the door on his face. Orion—no one could tell how much I despised the name and the owner of that godforsaken name. Orion was a vermin to my existence in the sense that he was the first person to call me crazy.
During my early years, Orion was someone I once enjoyed having around until we both were caught up in a situation that made him call me crazy and that was not the word used to describe me. I was an artist that refused to let the lines of fiction blur into reality and I was ostracized because of my difference in perception.
I despised Orion and I wanted so badly to watch him burn with the fire he started in me very long ago.
My phone vibrated on the nightstand and I was forced to look at the text message from Orion himself. I ignored the message even if it was just the address of the party and I know that man I called my brother put him up to it.
It was boredom that made me leave the comfort of my room in a short dress and leather jacket with sneakers and come all the way to Block 24 where the party was happening. I made it my sole mission to avoid Bilen and anything that resembled Orion tonight. I came to this party to while away time and try to meet new people. I needed someone who was a child of woe like me to keep me company but truth be told, I don't care about anyone's feelings because it was irrelevant.The party was crowded already and people were wasted. I pushed through the sweaty bodies in annoyance and pushed my way above the spiral stairs, trying to find something sadistic to keep me going for the night. Nothing seemed interesting and it all came pouring down on me like poisonous vines that sucked the strength out of whatever it got entwined with. I inhaled and exhaled at once since nothing seemed to amuse me in this party. I don't even get the fuss about it and according to the grapevine, this was tagged as the
My heart kept on pounding against my ribcage like a crazy prisoner that wanted freedom. For the first time since I was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, I have never felt real pain like what I was feeling. The agony of seeing Bilen on the floor, his arms spread out and one of his legs twisted in an unholy angle and his eyes wide open and devoid of life while thick crimson blood pooled beneath his head, made me so angry to the extent that tears began rolling my cheek.The metallic smell of the blood mixed with exhaust of cars filled my nostrils. Without thinking, I crashed down beside Bilen and cradled his head on my laps as tears streamed down my face. I blocked out the panic and shouts around me, while I begged Bilen to wake up and stop this unnecessary prank.I slapped his cheek with what little strength I had in me. I could not believe what was happening right now and it all felt like my fault. "Bilen, please wake up let's go home," I cried, cradling him as he star
I was empty, sad and upset. Everyone who knew Bilen were on black and my mind was as black as night because I tried so hard to feel fine, but there was a hole drilling in my mind and it needed to be filled with something, even if it costed me to raise hell and watch the world burn. Seeing my grandparents in turmoil unequivocally broke my heart because no matter how old they were, they loved Bilen more than anything in the world. I also loved my brother even though there are times I wanted to wipe his smile off. My head was heavy and throbbing like I have been hit by a thousand pounds linebacker and my heart was bleeding the color black like the exact color of dress I was wearing. I squeezed my eyes shut to try to send the thoughts that were gathered, away, but it proved abortive. I have never felt a great unrest like this before and I am stuck with a gnarly inkling that whoever murdered Bilen was closer to me, lurking in the shadows. Stepping into the church triggered a lot of emot
I was on my own, wallowing in an intensifying misery. If only I was bulletproofed and void of any emotions, I would be good. But I wasn’t. I had feelings. I was no Hawaiian porcelain doll or a robot, but then there are some robots that have feelings.Doing one thing over and over was making me sick and mentally dying of boredom. I failed to attend lectures because the last time I went to school, there was a shrine at the entrance of the faculty for Bilen Araya and it got me upset seeing the colorful hearts people drew for my brother, knowing it was all fake love.A knock at the main door caught my attention and I wondered who chose to disturb my peace this hot afternoon. Leaving what I was doing, I left my room and sauntered to the door. I did not bother to check who was at the other side.I swung the door open with annoyance and I was immediately taken aback when I saw who stood there with a police badge. "Miss Araya?" Monty stared at me in disbelief like he was surprised to see me.
Let go of the light and fall in to the dark side. In as much as I was a sociopath, I really wanted to feel. I wanted someone to love me and want me, however, that was a big dream that was so out of reach.For so long, I have basked in solitude and thrived in chaos, but I don't want that anymore. I wanted to feel the company of someone else now that Bilen was no longer here to counter me and keep my behavior in check. I missed my brother so much.Although Monty was my new found acquaintance, something told me he was trying his best to step back from me since he was the detective in charge of the case of Bilen's murder.The school atmosphere was not really conducive for me and the moment I finished lectures for the day, I found my way home in order to relax my mind. When I got to my front door, I searched for my key to unlock the door. However, my key wouldn't budge in the lock and it became unsettling.Grabbing the knob, and turning the key, there was no pressure in the door. I steppe
I could not believe what was happening to me.The fire that I loved so much was burning me dangerously, scorching my skin with its flames and I was screaming in agony as each spark seared my flesh. I did not know where I was or what was happening, all I knew was that this wasn't my happy place.I was in hell.I continued screaming as the fire seared my flesh. I was burning and no matter how loud I cried, there was no one around who could come to my rescue. My whole self was disappearing into the flames and for the first time, I was over powered by fear."Zamani!"I grabbed my sheets tightly with my fists when I heard my name echo in the furnace. Maybe someone was here to help me."Zamani!!"There was a loud bang somewhere. I instantly felt the cold touch of my savior pulling me out of the fire. A loud gasp escaped my mouth as soon as I opened my eyes with force and was met with Orion staring down at me with concern in his eyes."Zamani, are you okay?" He questioned, caressing my face.
"There is something wrong with you, Zamani. It is obvious. I can see it and I see the way you try so hard to find relief in pain.""You don't see me, Orion." The tears I have been holding back threatened to spill and there was no absolute way I will cry in the presence of Orion.He moved closer to me and lifted my chin up. "I see you, Zamani.""No." I whipped my head away from him, as tears began streaming down my face. "You don't know me."He turned my face towards him as he leaned closer and began kissing my tears. My heart fluttered, as a kaleidoscope of butterflies swirled in my stomach. "I see you, Zamani and I want you even though you don't want me."I fell into his warm embrace as I broke into a train of sobs. "I don't want to live with my grandparents."Orion held me closer to him, not wanting to let go of me and my creature squealed in excitement. "I know, Zamani. It is just for the meantime. Once you get better, I'll make sure to come whisk you away."Orion was filled with l
The car pulled into the long driveway of my grandparents mansion. And I instantly felt a sense of dread."Your grandparents are big shot, huh?" Orion questioned as he turned off the ignition of the car.I sighed and darted my eyes around the compound that was stationed with bodyguards. "It is just show off. Don't read meaning into it."Orion unlocked the car and we stepped out, my luggage in his custody. We approached the front door and my heart started to race when the guard at the door bowed down to me. I felt a slight tremor in my legs."What is with the ceremonial people hanging around the house?" Orion asked.I shook my head, not wanting to spew family secrets to a stranger, however, Orion was family. "When you see my grandmother, who's your best friend, you can ask her.""Are you always sarcastic?" He sneered and I chuckled."Welcome home, Young mistress. Mama Araya has been waiting for you," the guard at the door greeted.There was no familiarity in him whatsoever, so it was sa