.....the light is getting dimmer and dimmer but I don't mind because I'm finally embracing the darkness.....
I have to say, poetry is my coping mechanism. Reading and writing it is not only a form of self expression for me, but it helps me deal with my anxiety and depression. And right now I can't stop writing and it's because I'm one minute away from having an anxiety attack.
I have been the new girl at different schools for quite a number of times but I still can't get over first day nerves. You would think that due to all this constant moving and school changes, I would have mastered the art of being the new girl.
But no, I still get nervous everytime which results in awkward first expressions which ultimately leads to not making any friends. Yep, I don't have a social life of any kind.
"You know, you could at least pretend to be excited about this new school." My mother says as she drives me to school. I have been silent on the subject and I guess that's beginning to irritate her.
"I'm saving my excitement for the next school." I don't even bother to look from my journal as I say the words, knowing how much sarcasm irks my mother.
"And what do you keep writing in that diary of yours?" She asks, seemingly ignoring my earlier comment. "I would love to read it."
I immediately close my journal. "No no no. You can't read it, ever." I add, clutching the book close to me just in case my mother gets any ideas.
"I'm not interested in your diary, I just wanted to get your attention." She briefly smiles at me. "You are so weird, no wonder you don't have any friends."
You would think a comment like that from my mother would bother me but actually it doesn't because in her mind she isn't being mean.
My mother doesn't believe in sugarcoating the truth to spare anyone's feelings, and that includes mine. I suppose being Liesa Conte, a creative director for one of the world's biggest fashion brand, has really gone to her head.
And since vogue magazine, her bible, labels her an icon, she actually believes she is one.
"I thought the reason I didn't have any friends was because of the way I dress." I retort, knowing how much she enjoys criticizing the way I dress.
"Oh, who cares that you dress like a thirteen year old boy?" There she goes again.
"Whatever." I mutter under my breath. It's a good thing we are almost there because I'm done trying to have small talk with my mother.
Fortunately my mother doesn't make a big fuss when she drops me off. She's done this so many times so it's not really a big deal to me anymore.
Unlike my mother I'm not confident enough to be comfortable with any sort of attention or drop dead gorgeous and I have always been somewhat okay with the fact that I will never measure up to the level of the great Liesa Conte.
But right now I would give just about anything to be a younger version of my mother rather than be my nervous and awkward self.
Nomatter how many times I do this, I can never seem to handle this part. The part where everyone is starring at me like I don't belong, making me feel like I'm out of place.
Keeping my head down and my hands tucked beneath my oversized sweater, I walk further into my new school. I don't want to attract any attention to myself, I just want to find my locker, get to my first class and hopefully get through this day with no hustle.
But fate has other plans because before I can even make it to my locker, I bump into someone, instantly knocking onto the ground.
Hmmm, maybe ditching my glasses for my first day of school wasn't such a good idea after all. It's all I can think about as I lie on the ground with people looking and laughing at me.
Great, in an attempt to conceal myself and not draw any attention to myself I have done the exact opposite. This has to be the worst first day ever. Gosh, I just want the ground to swallow me.
Maybe if I stay down longer people will eventually get bored and move on. Even with my eyes closed, I can feel their gazes on me and the laughter that won't die down.
"Are you alright?" Suddenly I feel someone's hands on my shoulders.
I look up at the one person who doesn't seem to be amused by my clumsiness. He must a senior because he looks older than most of the kids and I would be admiring how h good looking he looks if I wasn't on the verge of tears. though I don't know if I should be saying that considering my vision is not the best at the moment.
But whoever he is he's provided me with the excuse I need to finally get up from the floor. Some people are still watching me but I don't pay much attention to them, I just want to run and hide so I can cry in person.
"Yes I'm fine." My voice cracks so I nod vigorously to convince by the only nice person here that I'm okay even though it's a complete lie. "Excuse me." I say without looking at him or anyone else for that matter.
I hastily grab my backpack and rush to the bathrooms. If I'm going to cry my heart out I can at least do it there.
Fortunately I locate the girl's restrooms with no problem. I sit on one of the toilets with my head in my hands as tears stream down my face. I can't believe I made a fool of myself like that. Why the hell didn't I wear my glasses? I feel so stupid and I don't know if I can ever live that down.
My crying halts when I hear a commotion. I start to panic but then I remember that this is a school restroom so anyone can come in.
I stay quiet, hoping that whoever is out there doesn't see or hear me. The last thing I want is to be bullied in the bathroom.
"I think it's empty." I hear someone say.
"Yeah, most people are already in first period." The other person says. "Wait, what are you doing?" She asks but her friend doesn't say anything. "Ashley, it's too early!" She chastises her friend and my interest is piqued. I slightly open the door so I can see what's going on.
It's a little difficult to see but I do see the two girls and one them, the blonde, is holding a packet of what looks like pills. Obviously they are medicinal drugs otherwise her friend wouldn't be scolding her at the moment.
"It's helps me calm down." The Blonde says.
"I think you are getting addicted."
"No I'm not." She says defensively but I can see that her friend has a point. The Blonde, whose name is Ashley, is obviously dependent on those pills. Im no expert but even I can tell that she's definitely addicted.
"Hey!" The dark haired girl catches me eavesdropping on their conversation. "What are you doing?"
The Blonde girl is startled as she drops all the packet in her hand in panic. "There is someone in here?" She sounds mortified as she cowers behind her friend, ignoring the scattered blue pills on the floor.
"I—." I stammer.
"Please don't tell anyone!" The Blonde says quickly.
"Hey calm down." Her friend tells her. "She won't tell anyone. Right?" She asks me.
"Yes yes!" I say immediately. "I won't say anything.
"Great." The dark haired girl smiles at me and it's actually genuine. "I'm Max by the way." She holds out her hand.
"I'm Kristen." I smile back at her. "I just started."
"No wonder you look so unfamiliar. Well now you know me and this is Ashley, she's a little clumsy." Max says and starts to pick up the scattered pills.
"Hi." Unlike her hyper friend, Ashley seems very shy. "I'm Ashley." Of course I already know that but I suspect she won't like it if I point it out.
"Hey." I greet her. "Im Kristen." I smile at her and she smiles back, her blue eyes shining.
And suddenly this school doesn't seem so bad after all.
I think my talent in this world is keeping secrets. I have even mastered keeping secrets from the people I'm closest to in the world, my three best friends, soon to be four.Yes I know a lot of things, like the fact that Max and Santiago have been hooking up behind everyone's back for a long time now or the fact that the sole reason why Tatiana wears makeup is to hide the occasional bruises 'accidentally' inflicted on her by her stepfather.Maybe the later isn't something I should keep a secret but it's a sensitive subject and I know Tatiana wouldn't appreciate me talking about it.But the biggest secret I have managed to keep to myself has to be about myself. It's something I have never been able to talk about with my parents, my friends or even myself.I have always been somewhat confused about my sexual preferences but I have never dared to entertain the fact that I might be anything other than straight, until now or rather until her.
Whoever said life is a game but it's not fair wasn't kidding. Life is definitely unfair, it can keep knocking you down while continuously lifting up others. Unfortunately when it comes to life my situation is the former.With each passing day my resentment grows and grows. It's directed to everyone, my mother and her boyfriend, my friends and even myself. But especially towards my mother because she's the exact definition of a failure, as a woman and most definitely as a mother.And while my resentment towards my friends is unjustified, I can't help the unsettling envy I have towards them. They have everything I could ever want in life and sometimes I can't help but feel extremely jealous."Do you like your bracelet?" I'm sitting on Mckayla's bed as she organizes her closet. I always come here after school because going home is my least favorite time.I look down at the bracelet in question. It's platinum with silver trinkets, it's so cute and of co
They call me the queen of all bitches and I own it. I am the queen alright, and I will take fear over friendly any day.But that being said, I do have friends and I'm fiercely protective of them. As the mature and intelligent one, I feel it's my job to look out for them.But despite being the smarter than everyone else, I don't know how to help my best Tatiana. I play no favourites but she's the one I'm closest to and that's including my little sister Max.Tatiana has a rough and unpleasant lifestyle compared to all of us and while that has never been a source of conflict between us, I suppose it can be overwhelming and frustrating to be surrounded by people who seem so out of touch with how the less privileged live their lives."As much as I'm enjoying this show of yours," Lukas, the only boy allowed in my bedroom, says from my bed where he's lying lazily with his shoes on my sheets! "You have been pacing for more than an hour now, why don't you just cal
We all have our vices, bad habits we can't seem to kick off no matter how many times we vow to let go of them. For example, Ashley will never stop chewing on her nails nomatter how many times Mckayla threatens to throw her an intervention.Well mine is a little more complicated than that because my bad habit, the one I can't seem to shake off, is Santiago Monroe, twin brother to one of my best friends, Tatiana.Messing around with socially labelled 'bad boy' Santiago started out as nothing but a harmless game we both enjoyed but now it's become something so secretive that neither of us can define.Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend, he's everything to me. But somehow I always get caught up in Santiago, I can't help it, I have tried.Speaking of Santiago, he's looking effortlessly presentable while I struggle to make myself look as normal as possible.Maybe
I have always wanted to be part of a group, to have ever lasting, intimate friendships and now I have that and more.When Mckayla said she's throwing a slumber party for my initiation I thought she was just being metaphorical. I had no idea there was going to be an actual initiation.The five of us are seated on the carpeted floor of Mckayla's vast bedroom, surrounded by lit scented candles. We are all wearing matching red silk pajamas.My new red silk pajamas are a courtesy from Mckayla of course. I have a feeling she's the mastermind behind all but anyway, if I had known this was going to be fancy I would have done a little shopping of my own.In true style we are all brushing each other's hair, something Mckayla swears is therapeutic. We are also playing secrets and sins, a game the girls invented.It's a game which involves talking about, you guessed it, your deep
I never thought I could ever feel like this, everytime I look at Kristen my heart flutters. Even behind those glasses she's still the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and her green eyes are stunning.I can't stop looking at her. I want to be near her, so I can touch her and smell her.Geez, I'm coming off as creepy but then again I have staring at her for the last twenty minutes of gym class so maybe, yes, I am creepy.Suddenly she catches me looking at her, our eyes meet and like an idiot I continue starring at her. I know I should quickly look away but I just can't.But Kristen being the angel that she is, smiles at me and even waves at me. Now I feel even more idiotic because I can't seem to wave or even smile back which is crazy because she's one of my best friends. I should be able to act normal around her.But my feelings for Kristen are anything but normal.
It all started as a game, a way to entertain myself and escape the occasional nightmare that is my life. But here I am, fully invested in the world of internet dating.While it may not be the most conventional way to date, I'm doing it for two reasons and that's attention and money.Yes, money. Apparently there are so many weird people out there who are so lonely that they would pay for a little affection.Here I was, resentful and bitter towards everyone who has it better than me when I have had the solution to have it just as good right infront of me."So Lily," Jeff, my lastest internet friend purrs from the other side of my laptop, his half naked body in full view. Well, at least he's not fully naked."Yes Jeff?" I briefly wonder if that's even his real name because Lily Rose is most definitely not my real name but who cares, he's paying and that's all that matters.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend and I should know, after all my father often showers my sister and I with the fanciest of jewels and yes, that includes diamonds. And like most of the female population, I'm not immune to their charms.Except for today. If there's something that Lukas and my father has in common, other than the fact that they are the only significant men in my life, it's that they both know how to please and spoil me which is not an easy task.There's so much tension between Lukas and I that not even the diamond studs he bought me can improve my mood. It feels like he's apologizing and not actually spoiling me and it's only making things more strained between us."Don't you like them?" Lukas asks, finally breaking the awkward silence between us in his car."Of course I like them. I love everything you get me." It's always top brand and it's costs him a lot of money. After