Why did this have to happen now? "I thought you said I was in the clear?" Don't panic, don't panic, don't panic. Huh, easier said than done. At least the shock wasn't as bad as the first time I'd heard those dreaded words. I wonder how most people handle stuff like this.The first time around, the fear had been so great I was sure there was no way I was going to make it. That time had come at the darkest time in my life when everything had been turned upside down, and I didn't really want to live until I was almost certain that I would die. Then my life became the most precious thing to me, and I would've done anything to hold onto it.Things were much different this time around. It was the complete opposite situation. I was finally able to see light at the end of the tunnel; I was finally coming back into my own. I'd found that sweet spot between loving life and not giving a fuck. Now once again, that news was dropped into my lap like a hot potato that nobody wanted."Yes, but we also
"Ryder, where are you? Everyone has been looking for you. They say you just disappeared, and you never called me back to let me know that you were okay. You didn't tell them where you were going? I thought you'd at least tell Scott.""I'm fine, mom. I'm staying at a hotel, and no one needs to know. Scott is my business manager; she's private. From now on, I'll be keeping the two separate.""Oh, Okay. What hotel are you staying at? You know what, never mind, I'm guessing you went to see Elena. Well, did you see her? How is she? How is our girl? Is she alright?" That's odd; mom still talks about her the way she used to when we were together like she was one of her own. She's never done that with Janie."I saw her, yes, but she was asleep. According to the guy I talked to, she's doing better; she just needs to rest.""Oh, that's good then; the news reports were freaking me out. Those bitches started a rumor that she was in rehab for drugs, but I knew that couldn't be it because she was ne
For the next three nights, I went to see her in that hospital bed. I'd just sit there holding her hand and watching her sleep the way I used to when we were together, and only the sight of her face in slumber could bring me peace.I paid a hefty sum for information on how she was doing since I could only see her while she was asleep. The reports were good; she was doing better with the tests they gave her and was even speaking up in therapy, which she wasn't doing when she first got here. I read between the lines enough to gather that though this last round of attacks had hit her hard, it was me and our breakup that was the real problem.Knowing that was twofold. On the one hand, it helped alleviate the fear I have been carrying around ever since I started coming back to my senses. The fear that she would never forgive me, never give me another chance. On the other hand, I hated this for her, hated knowing that she was still carrying that pain in her heart, and I wasn't there to mend i
"What the heck has gotten into you?""What do you mean?" I looked up from my plate to find Sydney staring at me as if I had two heads."What do I mean? Chicklet, when I took you to that place, I was almost certain that we were about to lose you in the not-too-distant future. Now here you are, acting like that shit never happened, and you're living your best life.""Don't get me wrong, I am here for it, but what the hell happened to you in there." If I told her the truth, she'd freak. I can't even believe it myself, or more to the point; I'm finding it hard to accept. But ever since I felt Ryder's presence in that room, it's like I have a new lease on life."Isn't that the point? Wasn't I supposed to get better?" She looked stumped by that one, and I was able to go back to my enchiladas in peace. I wanted a margarita in the worst way but knew it wasn't a good idea, not with all the medication I was taking. Though according to the tabloids, I was on a bender every other night. The fuck d
She looks good; she looks way better than she did in that hospital bed. And just the simple act of looking at her filled me with more peace and joy than I can remember. It was a bitch being this close and still not being able to approach her, but it was good enough for now. It will have to be. I watched her from afar and felt a smile in my heart when she threw her head back and laughed at something her friend said. She used to laugh like that with me, better even. Her laugh, like her cheeks, is one of those things I missed about her at night when I was lying alone beneath the stars, fighting to get the drugs out of my system and back to some semblance of humanity.If it wasn't for her, I'd have given up on the idea, especially in those first few days, which are always the hardest when going through detox. Add the psych shit to the mix, and it has been a different kind of hell. I just keep reminding myself that it's for her because, in all honesty, if it was just for me, I don't think
It can't be; there's no way. But I know what I saw. Or do I? Maybe I'm losing my mind again. Uh-uh, nope, I'm not going back down that rabbit hole of destruction again. I won't fill myself with doubts and what-ifs again because that shit takes forever to end. But what's the alternative? Should I believe what I saw or write it off as my mind playing tricks on me again?The way my heart was racing and my skin tingling, I was afraid I already knew the answer but was just too afraid to accept it because I didn't know what it meant. If I didn't accept what my eyes and heart had seen, then I'd have to make a trip back to the doctor and admit that I'd failed once again, and if I accepted, it'd just be opening a rusty can of rotten worms that I'm not sure I'm ready to deal with.Ryder? Here? How? Why? And why now? This is crazy. I barely made it through my last smile for the last fan without a complete meltdown or panic attack before making my excuses and heading into the ice cream shop.I was
She's going to pull a runner. I guess I should've expected something like this. Though the girl I knew wasn't one for running from anything, her behavior over the last five years had been quite different from the norm. I felt guilty that I was the cause of her giving up her vacation; in fact, I wasn't quite sure how to feel about her leaving after seeing me. But I also don't know what I'd expected.Yeah, I do; I expected her to run into my arms like some cheesy romcom movie, something I instinctively knew was not going to happen because, along with her sweetness, she had a stubborn streak a mile long that would not allow her to just give in to me at first sight.I'd built up the moment of our first meeting in my head for so long that I think I'd overlooked a few things, like the fact that real life hardly ever, if ever, follows the plans and ideas in my head. Still, the decision to follow her here was a compulsion I couldn't resist.I still have to work on my impulsiveness where she's
"It was a setup." I'd barely made it through the door after hours spent running around to get here, and this was mom's greeting."What're you talking about, mom? What was a setup?""This whole thing, everything. It was all a setup." Being here in front of her, I saw that the panic in her voice was nothing compared to the fear in her eyes.My mom has this habit of pacing back and forth, waving her arms around frantically when she's stressed. She was doing that now only at warped speed. For a minute, I almost thought she was on something, but this wasn't that look. I know what mom looks like high, and this wasn't it.She kept rambling about lies and conspiracies and blaming herself for believing the wrong people, and I still didn't know what she was talking about. I was too tired and, frankly, freaked out myself to have the patience she obviously needed."You're not making any sense, mom. Now stop pacing and tell me what the hell is going on .""Your marriage, your wife, her family, the