Chapter 2

#OnePromiseWp

Chapter 2

When I was a kid, I always need to understand the situation. I should always accept what my parents said dahil iyon daw ang tama; dahil galing daw iyon sa kanilang karanasan. That's how life works for me. Ano naman ba ang magagawa ko sa liit kong ito? Wala. I couldn't even voice out my own thoughts because I was just a child. I know nothing . . . yet.

"Naomi!"

Napatingin ako sa likod ko nang marinig ang tawag sa aking pangalan.

"Oh! Othniel! Nandito ka na pala?" I blushed.

Othniel Lemuel Garcia, my long time crush. He was seven years older than me. I always admire him ever since I first met him in Sunday school. Unang pagkikita pa lang namin, he was already attractive to everyone in school. Othniel was always vocal and active on church services. He always stand out among the crowd. I was a newbie that time at siya ang na-assign mag-assist sa akin to guide me along the activities.

At first, I couldn't even believe it. Syempre, hindi naman ako ganoon kaganda o kaya't may nagawa sa bansa na deserving akong mabiyayaan ng ganito. Ang lakas ko naman kay Lord kung ganoon. Tandang-tanda ko pa ang laki ng ngiti sa aking labi nang malaman kong si Othniel ang magiging guide ko.

My heart flutters everytime I watched him ran towards me. Lagi akong nahihiya sa harap niya. I thought, Goodness, how will I be able to talk to him if I feel like fainting every damn time. I need confidence booster drink, saan ba nakakabili niyon at mamamakyaw ako nang ganoon.

Ngumiti pa ako sa kanya bago tumango. Nagulat naman ako nang biglang may yumakap sa akin mula sa likuran.

"Surprise, our little Naonao! I miss you so much!"

"Shaien!" nagagalak kong binanggit ang pangalan ng best friend ko.

Shaien Garcia was Othniel's only sister. We were batchmates and classmates. Shaien was moody and blunt. Kung ayaw niya sa iyo, ipararamdam niya talaga na ayaw niya sa iyo. If may ayaw siya sa iyo, sasabihin niya iyon at wala siyang paki kung masaktan ka. She would rather let you faced the hard painful truth than comfort you with a lie. In other words, hindi siya makikipagplastikan sa iyo to save your ego. That was why most of our classmates build up barriers against her. They were too scared to talk to her. Her intentions were all pure, but some mistook her actions wrongly, that was why she was also judged by others wrongly too.

Naging close kami ni Shaien when Othniel first introduced me to her. We talked, and she would always call me pabebe and mahinhin. I didn't find that demeaning because in the first place, that was just her natural attitude. Then she'd shout at me if I did something wrong, or I was a weak shit that couldn't even defend myself. But then, we just clicked that way. I didn't know exactly why. It just happened, I guess?

May mga pagkakataon talaga na kahit magkaiba ang ugali ninyo, you'll just click. You'll start up with small conversations until you became too close and familiar with each other. Looking back, you can't even remember how you managed to be friends in the first place, despite the contradictions of your attitudes.

"Kumusta? You were so busy in the classroom last time, hindi na kita nakausap nang maayos!" Shaien pouted.

I laughed. "Pasensya na. I was just preoccupied with some stuffs,"

Umirap si Shaien. "Probably that 'stuffs' is your fucked-up family, huh?"

Hinawakan ni Othniel ang braso ni Shaien to stop her from talking. Othniel and Shaien knew a brief background of my family problems. Shaien had always been beside me everytime I'd have a breakdown. Shaien saw me in my deepest and lowest self. Othniel was there too, but Shaien knew more. I wasn't keeping it a secret anyway, especially to them. But as much as possible, I wanted to be discreet.

I wasn't proud I had a fucked-up family. But regardless of that, I still loved my family and treasured it like my life. Dad might have a fucked-up mind, but I still had my mom. I needed to be strong to help Mom.

"Sinasaktan ka pa rin ba ng tatay mo? You know, Nao, Hinding-hindi ko makalimutan yung araw na halos maligo ka na sa pasa dahil diyan sa tatay mo. I pity you and your mom. You should've left your demonic dad when you had the chance." Umirap si Shaien.

I sadly sighed. Iniwas ko ang mata ko sa kanila, probably guilty sa sinabi niya. It was true anyway. I didn't have to deny it because they both saw it.

It was when I tried to defend myself to Daddy. I tried to explain my side to him but he just wouldn't listen. He'd slapped me hard in the face and continuously pinched my shoulders and my arms. He forced me to confess and apologized for something I was wrongly accused of. He was my dad and yet he couldn't even believed on me. I got bruises all over my body the next day. Syempre, Shaien being observant as always, made me spill everything to her and her brother.

That moment, I felt I wasn't alone in this cruel world. Even though, I had my mom, it just felt different having that one friend to listen to your problems that you couldn't even tell your parents. A friend who would hug your flaws and accept you for being you. It felt calming and reassuring.

"Family hurts. Family wounds each other, but you're still family." Tinapik ni Othniel ang likod ko. "Just so you know, our family always includes your family to our prayers. I want you to grow a normal life, Naomi."

I blushed onced again. Parang may humaplos na mainit na kamay sa aking puso right after I heard him say that. Itinago ko ang ibabang parte ng aking ilong gamit ang mini booklet na binibigay sa amin tuwing Sunday school. Inside that mini booklet includes the schedule and little outlines of the topic to be discussed today.

Umirap si Shaien. She knew how much I admired her brother kaya tino-tolerate niya na lang ako. She loved me that much.

"Nga pala, pupunta ka sa Gideon Camp? Please go, Nao! Wala akong kasama kapag hindi ka pumunta!"

Tabi-tabi kaming tatlo umupo sa pinakalikod ng classroom. I sat between Shaien and Othniel. Tuwing Sunday school, pinagsasama na kami sa kahit anong level namin kaya iyon lang ang chance na nakakasama ko si Othniel sa upuan. This was how we usually sat, that was why nobody complained regarding our arrangements. And it was like our body have their own program and it was already set.

"I'm not sure. Kailangan ko pa kasing ipaalam 'yan. And knowing Dad, alanganin ako."

Tumango-tango si Shaien. Hinarap niya ang kuya niya at ngumisi nang napalaki. Mukhang may binabalak na naman itong lukaret kong kaibigan.

"Kuya, ikaw na lang ang magpaalam para kay Naonao!"

Halos masamid ako sa sinabi ni Shaien.

"Hoy, Shaien! Ako na, 'no! Dinamay mo pa si Othniel! Nakakahiya!"

Othniel's lips curved. He raked his fingers into his hair. "Sure!" Presko siyang sumandal sa upuan. "If that's okay with you, Naonao, I can ask permission to your parents."

I gulped.

"'Wag na, 'no!" Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kanya. I tried focusing my eyes on other things. "Kaya ko naman. Balitaan ko na lang kayo. Besides, bukas na 'yon, I think papayag naman si Mommy," I doubted.

"It's your birthday, right?" singit ni Othniel.

Nagulat ako nang bangitin niya iyon. Syempre, hindi ko naman ipinagkakalat ang birthday ko. But then, I had a very vocal best friend. Maybe, siya ang nagkalat.

Tumango ako at ngumiti. "Yup!"

Lumaki ang ngiti ni Othniel. Umayos na rin ng upo si Shaien at tinantanan niya na ako. I felt uncomfortable when I saw Othniel intently staring at me in my peripheral vision.

Shocks! I gulped to hide my uneasiness.

He continued staring at me, he only stopped when the pastor finally entered the room.

The pastor in his usual american formal outfit made him look smart and neat. He started to preach the gospel that day, but I was too preoccupied to listen to it.

I really wanted to come to that Gideon Troop Camp. But then, that camp cost much, and Daddy wouldn't let me go to that.

Buong seminar, I thought of a way para makapagpaalam ako nang maayos at sigurado akong papayagan ako.

After Sunday school, I spent the whole day in school to finish my homework. Madalas magulo sa bahay kaya hindi rin ako nakakapag-concentrate kapag gumagawa ako ng homeworks. I didn't flunk my class, but I really adjusted a lot to maintain my grades.

Nag-ayos na rin ako ng gamit at napagdesisyunang umuwi nang mapansin kong madilim ang kalangitan.

Kinabahan ako noon. Minsan, nasa punto na talaga ako na napa-paranoid ako. Gusto kong bumukod na. But then, I reflected, ano namang maa-achieve ko bilang isang bata? Surely, hindi ako magtatagal nang isang buong araw, maiisip ko ring umuwi.

Ganoon naman tayo. Minsan, gusto nating gawin iyon ngayon, ang thrill sa simula. At kapag nagawa mo na, pagkalipas ng ilang oras o araw, magbabago na naman ang isip mo.

Napangiwi ako nang makitang may bagong basag na naman sa cabinet malapit sa mga trophy, kalat-kalat ang mga bubog nito.

I took one of the trophies and silently put it back on the shelf.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga bago sinalubong sina mommy sa dining area.

Naabutan ko silang tahimik na kumakain. Daddy was reeked with alcohol and vape smoke. I coughed when I inhaled some of his toxic smoke. I walked near them. I kissed Mom's cheeks and I did the same to Dad. Hindi ako pinansin ni Daddy at nagpatuloy na lang sa pagkain.

"O, anak, bakit ngayon ka lang? Kumain ka na," salubong sa akin ni Mommy.

"Opo, Mommy."

Umupo ako sa tapat ni Mommy, sa kaliwang gilid ni daddy. Tahimik at limitado ang mga galaw ko. I noticed Daddy was calm. I thought, perfect opportunity to asked permission.

I wasn't comfortable with the silence. Sa sobrang tahimik, I could feel the meat churning in my father's mouth. I shivered as I thought of those beyond the box things Daddy was capable of doing.

"Anak, how's Sunday school?" pagbasag ni Mommy sa katahimikan.

"Ayos naman po, Mommy. The topic they talked about is about singing gospel songs as an alternative signs of prayer. It's a fifty percent way to talk to God. Words conveyed in the lyrics should be felt as you sing it," I proudly said.

"I also learned that there are two ways to share God's word: It's our duty to gather believers, and singing gospel songs could help conveyed words more."

Ngumiti si Mommy sa akin. Daddy's jaw clenched. Padabog niyang ibinagsak ang mga pinagkainan. I flinched, my heart beat thumped. Pinagpawisan ako sa kaba kahit nanlalamig ako.

"How did you know that your God exists when you barely even know Him?" my dad spat. He chuckled with no humor. "Don't give a shitty answer that it was stated in that Bible book of yours. We both damn well know that's an unacceptable answer. Tell me, how did you know that what's written in the Bible are true? Were you there to witness it? For all we know, that could be some fallacy written by someone who wanted you to worship a false god. There's no god, Naomi. If there is one, he's not the god you'd expect. Because if He's God, He'd save you. He wouldn't allow us to go to that same cycle of painful scenarios again and again. He'd shower us with love, If He's indeed God, He won't hurt you. We don't need to go through all these shits of life."

That moment, my belief wavered. Dad said those exact words that scared me a lot. He was precised. His words struck those questions I had about God. I never saw God. I know deep down He did exist, but I never saw him. Now, what was my justification that the God I believed was indeed the Almighty God? Just how accurate was the Bible anyway?

Was everything written in the Bible true? How? God didn't even wrote it Himself! He asked someone to wrote it for Him.

No. I shook my head to removed those doubts. I thought, I'd trust God, I would trust His plan for me. He knew what was best, and I would accept what my faith had in store for me.

Dad frustratedly raked his hair.

"Stop that belief of yours. It won't do you any good," Dad said bago niya kami tinalikuran at lumabas ng bahay.

I didn't cry. I held in my tears despite how much I wanted to cry. I clenched my fist as if I held my life to it.

"Darling, it's okay. Hayaan mo na ang Daddy mo. He's still far from believing God. But trust that one day, God's power will open his eyes. Remember, he was able to change Saul? Ganoon din 'yon, in God's time."

Tumango ako. Mommy smiled.

"Mommy, I want to ask for your permission if I can join in with my friends on the church's Gideon Troops summer camp in Laguna," ani ko.

Mom hesitated.

"Please, Mom!"

I didn't know Daddy was near us that time. Nagulat na lang ako nang bigla na lang siyang lumitaw at galit na naman siya.

"You really know nothing, huh, Naomi? Wala kang alam sa hirap kung paano kumita ng pera para lang masustentuhan natin 'yang pag-aaral mo, pati ang koryente natin!" Marahas na naglakad si Daddy palapit sa akin. I involuntarily stepped back because of his harsh steps against the concrete floor. Inatake ako ng kaba dahil sa inaasta ni Daddy.

Namumula na ang leeg ni Daddy sa galit. His jaw clenched too.

I was so tired dealing the same thing over and over again. I asked, hanggang kailan ba ako makararanas ng ganoon? What should I do to stop that cycle? I even asked, Am I not loyal to you, Lord? What do I lack in serving you? Every trial makes me doubt Your presence, Lord.

He's drunkard walk made him stumble a lot of times before he actually got near me. Marahas niyang hinatak ang buhok ko.

I yelped in pain. Tuloy-tuloy na tumulo ang mga luha ko. Napahawak agad ako sa kamay ni Daddy sa aking buhok. It was as if I'm bracing for my own life. Daddy didn't care if I was in pain. He didn't even flinched.

"Daddy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I begged. Mahigpit akong kumapit sa kamay ni Daddy na nakahawak sa buhok ko. I tried breaking free, but his grip just got tighter.

I continuously wailed in front of him. "Hindi ko na po ipipilit, Daddy. Please . . . let me go, Daddy. Na-nasasaktan po ako . . . " pumiyok na ang boses ko.

My hysteric cries just to be spared were useless. Dad's black stoned heart was unbreakable. He was merciless.

My plea and tears were nothing to him. It was as if he was not my dad and I was not his daughter.

"Hindi! Kailangan kong itatak 'yon sa kokote mo! Dahil paulit-ulit na lang! Palibhasa, mangmang!" Malakas na idinuro ni Daddy ang kaniyang hintuturo sa aking ulo.

"Daddy, sige na po! Patawad na po! Hindi na po ako pupunta sa camp na 'yon. I'm really sorry po! Daddy, please!" pagmamakaawa ko pa rin kay Daddy.

I was already hysterical. I kept crying and pleading for dad to stop and yet, he failed me again.

Mommy ran towards us. Lumuhod si Mommy sa tabi ko. Hinawakan niya rin ang kamay ni Daddy para tulungan akong alisin iyon sa aking buhok.

"Theodore! Anak mo 'yan! Tandaan mong anak mo 'yan! Tama na, please," pagmamakawa ni Mommy while tears fell from her eyes too.

Parehas kami ni Mommy na nakaluhod sa harap ni Daddy.

Binitiwan din ni Daddy ang buhok ko. Kinuha niya ang isang platong may pagkain sa lamesa at marahas pang ibinato sa akin.

The plate shattered and pieces of the glass hit my skin. I shuddered in pain. Ramdam ko ang sugat sa aking braso at pisngi dahil sa platong nabasag.

"Theodore, huminahon ka nga! Hindi naman gumawa si Naomi ng bagay na puwede mong ikagalit nang ganito! Maawa ka sa bata! Nagpapaalam lang yung bata. Kung ayaw mong payagan, e di sabihin mo nang maayos. Hindi 'yong sinasaktan siya nang ganito!" malakas na sigaw ni Mommy.

Tumayo si Mommy at hinarap si Daddy. Mabilis ang paghinga niya. Her neck was also red just like Daddy's. Kumuyom ang kamao ni Mommy, tila pinipigilan niya ang sarili niya para makapagsalita pa ng mga masasakit na salita.

I held Mommy's shaking fist. Dahil doon, napatingin siya sa akin.

She let out a heavy sigh to calm herself. Hinawakan niya rin ang kamay ko at malungkot na ngumiti. Reassuring me that she would handle this—that I didn't have to worry anymore. "Umakyat ka na sa kuwarto mo, dali. Lock your room's door too. Please," ani Mommy.

Tumango naman ako. I immediately stood up. I took a peak at Daddy and immediately regretted it when I saw his expression. He was angrier that time!

Umamba siyang susugurin ako nang biglang pumagitna sa amin si Mommy. She tightly hugged Daddy to stop him. Dahil doon, nakatakas ako.

Agad-agad akong tumakbo paakyat sa aking kuwarto. I was desperate to get away. My tears were making it hard for me to see the way kaya may mga pagkakataong natisod ako sa hagdanan.

I cursed when I tripped and badly fell on our floor. I didn't dwell on it much while I wiped my tears away so I could clearly see. I immediately stood up. I winced when I felt a sharp striking pain along my ankles. Itinukod ko ang aking kamay para makatayo, pilit na tiniis ang sakit ng ankles ko. I didn't care about the pain in my ankles. Daddy physically hurting me was more painful than my twisted ankle.

I kept running until I reached my room. I immediately shut the door locked. Sumandal ako sa may pinto and I held my head up, trying to stop my tears from crying.

I shut my eyes tighter when I heard Mommy and Daddy shouting at each other downstairs because of me.

"Theodore! Bakit ka ba ganyan makaasta sa anak mo? ANAK MO 'YAN! Hindi 'yan isang hampaslupa na puwede mong sabunutan just because you're mad! Ano naman ngayon kung gusto niyang pumunta sa camp na yon, ha? Maganda nga 'yon, at least, magkaka-exposure siya kay God! You're just possessed by all the worldly things kaya pati utak mo clouded na rin! Kung ano-ano na lang ang iniisip mo!"

"Anak mo rin siya, ah? Pero bakit hindi mo mapalaki nang maayos? Inaayos ko lang ang mali mo! Palibhasa in-spoil mo nang sobra, ayan, lumaking inutil at walang kuwenta!"

"Wow! So, ako pa itong mali sa pagpapalaki? Ano ang mali sa pagpapakita ng pagmamahal kahit sa simpleng bagay? Hindi siya lumaking mangmang! Matalino si Naomi, at surely, mas matalino siya ngayon kaysa sa iyo! At hindi ako magsasawang ilapit siya sa Panginoon kasi 'yon lang ang makakatulong sa kanya!"

"Wala ka nang pakialam doon, Chezka! You're just my wife! You don't have any power to rule against me, kaya 'wag na 'wag kang manumBakit tungkol sa pagpapalaki sa kanya nang maayos! Tandaan mo, ako pa rin ang padre de familia sa pamamahay na ito!"

"Wow! At sa tingin mo, Theo, magagawa mo 'yon? What can an abusive father do anyway? Hurt the child? Iyon ba talaga ang tamang pagpapalaki na ipinagmamalaki mo? Kung ganoon, you disgrace me. You're so disgusting! I don't even know who you are anymore! You're nothing but a monster!"

"TUMAHIMIK KA NA, CHEZKA! KAUNTI NA LANG, SASAMPALIN NA TALAGA KITA PARA TUMAHIMIK! WALA KANG ALAM. WALA!"

"Wala? After years of marriage, ngayon mo sabihing wala akong alam? Theo, tinanggap kita bilang ikaw! Gets ko, lumaki ka sa isang abusive na tatay. Oo, gets ko. Iniintindi ko lahat 'yon. Kapag nagagalit ka tuwing lasing ka, hindi naman kita sinusumbatan, di ba? Dahil iniintindi kita! Pero hanggang kailan na lang ba ako iintindi sa 'yo? Hindi ba dapat for this relationship to work, dalawa tayong nagtutulungan? Bakit pakiramdam ko, iniwan mo na ako, Theo? Ang sakit kasi lahat ng pananakit mo sa akin, tinatanggap ko. Pero, Theo, ang saktan nang ganoon si Naomi? That! Hindi ko kayang palagpasin. Sumosobra ka na! Hinding-hindi na tama ang ginawa mo. Hindi ka ba nalulungkot makitang takot sa iyo ang anak mo? Ganoon ka na ba kamanhid?"

"Ano, iiwan mo na rin ako? Tutal kayong mga babae, mahilig naman sa pa-victim effect, di ba? Iyan mga forte ninyo! Porke't nasaktan, mang-iiwan na," Dad said reek with sarcasm.

"Bakit kayong mga lalaki ba sinubukan kaming intindihin? Di ba, hindi rin? Stop blaming us, girls! Marunong kaming tumanggap ng pagkakamali namin basta alam naming mali. Kayo ba? 'Sorry, ako kulang e.' Isn't that mostly used excuse ng mga lalaki?"

I didn't want to hear those words anymore. Lumayo na ako sa pintuan at pinagbabato ang lahat ng librong makita ko.

I even saw the Bible. Ngumiwi ako nang mahawakan ito. At dahil sa sobrang galit, ibinalibag ko ito nang sobrang lakas palayo sa akin.

I prayed, God, I want these to stop! I don't think I can take more of this! It hurts, God, Why do I need to experience this? Once is tolerable, twice is enough, thrice is abusive. Ang sakit. I was losing faith. God's silence, wasn't the comfort I needed that night.

I sorrowfully thought, how could I continue trusting God? He wasn't even there to save me.

Inilagay ko na lang ang aking headphone sa aking tainga. For once, I wanted to be free again. I wanted to forget everything that had happened that day. That didn't only happened once. Noon, sinturon lang ang ipinampapalo ni Daddy sa akin. Later on, he became a sadist and a demon. He was not worth to be saved.

I hated him.

I couldn't even trust God anymore. He was supposed to saved me. I kept my spirits high, hoping He'd touch Daddy's heart. Then I realized after what had happened, that was enough proof He never listened to me. I got tired of trusting when I never saw an assurance.

Ilang minuto rin akong natulala noon sa aking bintana. I recalled everything Dad did. Shaien was right, we should've left Dad. Inisip kong baka kapag mag-isa siya, matauhan man lang siya!

I glanced up the sky. I saw a circle of delicate light transmitting from an extraterrestrial being, alleviating a lovely sight, bluishly brilliant, illuminating a dull night with hope that emanated through the dim hours of one's life.

Funny, I was able to describe the moon exactly like my life. I'd had never liked the dark, but it seemed the dark liked me.

Naglakad ako palapit sa kama. I felt a little calmer.

Napabaling ang aking mata sa gilid ng kama at nakita ang Bible sa sahig. I removed my headphones momentarily. I walked near it. Lumuhod ako para pulutin iyon.

I glanced at it, nakabuklat iyon sa Gospel of Peter. I scanned the whole pages out until my eyes landed on one set of verses.

Mahina ko itong binasa.

"Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you." I touched the last words of the passage. "1 Peter 5:7-10"

I mumbled these verse again and again. The verse hit me on spot indirectly.

Umayos ako ng upo sa gilid ng aking kama. Hawak ko ang Bible na ibinato ko. New fresh tears fell from my face as I hugged the Bible tightly. I closed my eyes as I mumbled that verse again and again.

I prayed to God asking for forgiveness for what I did to His word.

I'd always repent for doubting God's word, right after. That was what a sinner like me is good at. I'd commit that same sin everytime I'm mad. Then once I was more calm, I'd repent, again and again. I'd doubt God for allowing these shits to happen in my life, then repent right after. It was like a cycle. A habit I kept tolerating. A bad practice I was used to do, God was lenient to condone.

A sinner like me still didn't deserve God's grace and comfort, and yet, He'd always find ways for His love to reached me.

Just like how my tragic day usually ended. I closed my eyes as I lie myself to bed, continuously hoping that one day . . . everything would change.