Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Championships, the moment everyone waited for, because that was the measurement of an athlete's skill. Because when you're in the championship, it's never about what you do. It's always about what other people do.

That's why I was really aiming high on this because being the head captain for the squad would mean something. I am a leader. I got to be followed. I got to show them what my capability is. I'd get to show something I achieved, something I could be proud of.

Masigla akong bumaba sa hagdan. I didn't know where Dad was. He was so drunk yesterday so I didn't get the chance to tell him of the good news.

Pagkababang-pagkababa ko, nagulat na lang ako nang may tumamang bote na may kalahating laman na gatas sa akin. I groaned in pain when the bottle hit my back.

Umigting ang aking panga at matalim kong binalingan ng tingin si Daddy.

"Ano ba'ng problema mo, Dad?" asik ko.

It was early in the morning and Dad was acting up! Nasa punto na ako na gusto kong ipa-ban ang lahat ng alcoholic drink sa mundo. Look what it was doing to my dad! He's irrational and his liver can also have a failure because of that stupid alcoholic drinks!

Daddy shrugged. "Sira na yung gatas. Ang asim. Hindi mo man lang tinanggal sa refrigerator 'yon! Muntik pa akong malason dahil doon!"

Umirap ako sa sagot niya. For something that petty, he threw me a bottle. He hurt me again.

"E di sana, Dad, you checked first the expiry date. I'm too busy earning and taking care of you kaya wala akong oras para mai-check pa ito."

Pinulot ko yung bote at inilapag ito sa lamesa.

Dad snorted. "Ang sabihin mo, sinadya mo iyon! Gusto mo na akong mamatay kaya sinasadya mo akong magkasakit!"

Nagulat ako sa mga ibinato ni Daddy na salita. Why the hell would he think of that? Hindi ko nga siya iniiwan . . . then, he thought of me that way? Kumirot ang dibdib ko sa halo-halong emosyon. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman pero mas umaangat ang sakit at pagkabigo.

My own dad thought I want him gone.

No matter how much pain someone may have caused us, it wasn't right to want them gone for good. It would only haunt us more, leaving us in the losing ends. That's why I didn't think wishing for such would mean better. Instead, wish they'd live long and torture them with regrets and sorry. Let them fix the damage they'd made while making them repent for what they'd done. That was the best counterattack for me.

I ignored Dad's hurtful remarks.

Hinila ko ang upuan malapit sa akin na nakatalikod kay Daddy at umupo na roon. I'd prefer to sit here than see my dad nagging and growling this early in the morning.

"Ha? May sinasabi ka? Ikaw, bata ka, napakainggrata!" Marahas niya akong binatukan kaya nasubsob ako sa lamesa.

Hinablot niya ang likurang buhok ko at marahas na hinatak iyon para maiangat ko ang aking ulo at makita niya ang mukha ko. I was hysteric and my tears were threatening to fall once again because of the pain of getting my hair pulled from my scalp. Pero nailunok ko ang nagbabadyang luha sa aking mga mata.

"Daddy! Wala po akong sinasabi, please! Hindi ko naman po kayo sinagot. Dad! Nasasaktan ako!"

Huminga siya nang malalim at marahas niyang binitiwan ang buhok ko. Naramdaman ko ang tumutulong dugo sa gilid ng aking ulo dahil sa lakas ng pagkatama ko sa lamesa. Napariin din ang pagkagat ko sa aking ibabang labi kaya nalasahan ko rin ang metallic na lasa ng dugo ko roon.

"Wala kang kuwenta! Walang silbi!" he growled.

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko dahil sa hapdi ng anit ko, at para hindi ko rin makita ang mukha ni Daddy.

He harshly pulled away from me, and then angrily stride as he walked towards the doors until he left the house.

Nagbuntonghininga na lang ako roon. I lost my appetite to eat. Siguro, sa school na lang ako kakain. Ayoko na ng ganito! Hanggang kailan ko ba titiisin ang mga ito? Kumikirot ang puso ko dahil sa nangyari.

Gusto ko lagi kuwestiyunin ang status ko sa mundong ito. Kaso sino ba ako para magtanong? They say I should be grateful for what I have now. I'm trying. But there are times I wanted to curse my life and give up, too. I'm no god, I'm human just like everyone else. I stumble and get hurt, too. I'm also easily swayed by the world.

Here I am, excited to tell Daddy the good news . . . only to get disappointed. Why can't Daddy love me? Appreciate me? Sabi nila, mahal niya ako, pero bakit never ko man lang iyong naramdaman?

How do a parent show their love, anyway? The love I only know is the love I felt from my mom. Iyon lang ang lagi ko nararamdaman. But what's love on my dad's side? His rash actions towards me? Setting up unreachable standards for me to be a better person? Is that it?

Do I have to please my parents with achievements every damn time just so they'd be happy for me? Can't he be happy for me even in the simplest things?

I wasn't spoiled by Dad. I was never given any importance after all. I tried really hard for my parents to notice me, to treat me as someone special. I'd never seek for other's attention, I only seek theirs because they're my parents.

Ilang minuto akong tulala sa lamesa. I was really disappointed with the outcome. Good news na nga ang ibabalita ko. Maybe, I was hoping again for a better outcome. Ayokong nabibigo, pero ako itong uto-utong asa nang asa naman.

Maybe over time . . . I already became a masochist. Every pain I felt since I was a kid . . . continuously built up until I became addicted to that pain—reaching to the point for that pain to be like my life key. That was why I realized I can't let go of the pain. Without pain, I felt empty.

I took out my daily bread book. Binasa ko ang mga sulat na nakasuat para sa araw na ito. It became a habit for me to start a day reading daily biblical books. Palaging ibinibigay ito sa akin ng pastor ng church. Every New Year, he'd give us this mini book to read for a whole year. Inside, may 365 entires written. Each day contains different verses and teachings. I made it a habit to read that 'cause it talks about various people who'd share their gospel or lessons. It always helps me with my spiritual growth, too.

Even if all hope seemed lost, I still had to continue persevering and hoping in searching of cures to restore what was once lost.

"Never, never, never give up." I read through the passage. "Hebrews 11:32-40; 10:35-26."

I realized, being a Christian came with a cost. If you want to be like everyone else, then talikuran mo na lang ang pagiging Kristiyano. Christian life was not about victories but about faithfulness. As we expect trials and difficulty, Jesus promised us His presence and the joy will be with us in the tribulation. The cross is an instrument of slow and tortured death. But we must hold on to faith cause that is what He expects from us. God expects us to be faithful. (Daniel 3:18). Remember that our God is able. Kaya ang buhay ng pananampalataya ay nananatiling tapat kahit ano'ng mangyari. The Christian life is not about our plans, but it is God's plan (fulfillment of the promise). Those people are pursuing God's plan and that they are willing to wait. Those who live by faith are convinced that God has not given up on us and so we should stay still and know that God's plan still works on us and doesn't give up.

It is too soon to give up. Hindi naman plano natin ang nilalakad natin kundi ang plano ng Panginoon. It's God's wishes. Christian life is not about imitation, but dependence. Karamihan sa atin, takot bumagsak o magkamali, lalo na kapag ginagamit natin ang lakas at sarili nating abilidad. Jesus is the author. He is the one who made you, and He is the one who started it. Jesus has the manual, and He will be able to help us through. The key thing is to depend on Him, honor Him, and seek Him. Don't turn to anyone else, but turn yourself to Jesus. Minsan, umaabot tayo sa punto na naghahanap tayo ng bagay para pagtuunan ng pansin kapag nasasaktan tayo or nahihirapan tayo sa buhay. Nakakalimutan nating nandito ang panginoon sa gilid natin. Depend on God more 'cause He is our God and He knows us more than anyone. I need to turn myself to the one who started all of this. The author and perfecter of the faith, then we should trust in His promise that He is with us through the darkest part of our life.

I stood up from my seat. I feel refresh and renew. At least, a little word from God can still help mend my shaking troubled heart. Hindi pa rin naman siya tuluyang nawawala, pero kahit papaano, umaasa pa rin ako sa pagbabago. May dapat pa rin akong asahan. Tama! Never give up! Nandito ang Panginoon para masandalan natin.

Iniligpit ko na lang ang kalat pati ang mga pinggan na pinaggamitan sa lamesa.

It's a good thing Daddy graduated from being childish. Hindi na siya ganoon kadalas maglabas ng sama ng loob o magalit to the point he'd destroy things inside the house.

Like how my usual normal routine, tahimik ang simula ng araw ko sa eskuwelahan. Othniel and Shaien always hang out with me. However, this day, ayokong sumama sa kanila. Not now . . . that I have new wounds all over my face. So I tried avoiding them the whole day. Iyon nga lang, nahuli nila akong mag-isa sa likod ng school bago ang uwian. I was stalling myself. Ayokong umuwi nang maaga dahil natatakot ako. But then, iyon ang dahilan kung bakit ako nahuli rito.

Agad akong kinilabutan ng maramdaman ang hangin sa aking tainga dahil hinipan ito ni Shaien.

"Boo! May umiiwas . . ." paninimula ni Shaien sa gilid ko.

Itinago ko ang kaba sa aking dibdib sa pamamagitan ng pag-irap. Alam naman nila agad na umiiwas ako kasi bihira ko lang silang iwanan. Minsan, bago ko pa sila iwanan, nagpapaalam ako para hindi nila isipin iyon. Ngayon . . . hindi ko nagawa iyon kaya alam agad nila. O nag-conclude na rin sila kahit hindi ko na aminin.

"Hindi, 'no! Busy lang kasi ako . . ." pagdadahilan ako.

"Wushu! Laos na 'yang excuse na 'yan, Nao-nao! Baka gusto mong turuan kita ng mas maganda at mas epektibong excuse?"

I covered my scar with my bangs bago nag-angat ng tingin sa kanya. "Ows? Like what?"

Nagkunwari siya na parang nag-isip pa. Ngumisi siya. "Like . . . puwede mo namang idahilan na iniiwasan mo nga kami!"

Umirap ako at tinalikuran na lang siya. Inayos ko ang upo ko sa bench.

Othniel sat in front of me. Sa gilid ko naman umupo si Shaien.

Iniwas ko ang tingin ko sa kanila para hindi nila titigan ang mukha ko nang sobra.

"Nasabi mo na ba sa tatay mong useless yung good news?" pamamalit na topic ni Shaien.

Umiling ako.

Kumunot-noo naman ni Othniel at masuri pa rin akong tiningnan. Hinahabol niya ang aking mata na patuloy ko pa ring iniiwas. Lalo tuloy lumalim ang gitna ng noo niya.

"Ha?! Bakit? Akala ko naman, sinabi mo na! Good news 'yon!" idiniin ni Shaien.

Nagsitayuan ang aking mga buhok. Pinapawisan na rin ako sa kaba nang magtama ang mga mata namin ni Othniel at nahuling mariin pa rin ang tingin ni Othniel sa akin.

"Naomi . . ." he leaned closer at agad humaplos ang kamay niya sa aking bangs.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa gulat. Pagkahawing-pagkahawi niya sa aking bangs, agad kong iniwas ang mukha ko sa kanya para hindi niya ang mahalata sugat ko. Agad ko ring inayos ang bangs ko.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo, Othniel?!" pagalit kong asik sa kanya.

"You tell me, what was that?" he darkly said.

"What was what?" naguguluhang tanong ni Shaien.

Ngumuso si Othniel sa bangs ko. His dark grim expression and lip pursed into a straight line told me that he knew what I was hiding.

"Ano 'yan?" Hinawi ni Shaien yung bangs ko kaya lumantad ang sugat. "Naomi, ano'ng nangyari diyan? Sinaktan ka ng tatay mo, ano? Kaya hindi mo nasabi . . ." ani Shaien pagkatapos ipagtugma-tugma ang kanyang mga tanong.

Hinawi ko ang kamay niya at agad inilayo ang mukha ko sa kanya. "Hindi."

"E ano 'yan? Makeup? New trend ang peg? Malayo pa Halloween, Bestie!" nang-uuyam na ani Shaien.

"Naomi, it's futile to lie when you know you're already caught," Othniel smirked.

Napabaling ako sa kanya. Sumandal siya sa sandalan habang nakahalukipkip at mariin akong pinagmasdan. He wasn't smiling. His jaw clenched and I could feel his tremendous restraint for something.

I blinked . . . once . . . twice at inirap ang tingin sa kanya.

He was right. Ano pa nga ba ang purpose sa pagsisinungaling ko, e yung mga sugat ko, halatang-halata na. The bleeding might stop but the wounds were there.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago simulan ang pag-e-explain.

"My dad was angry a while ago," panimula ko sa kanila. "Hindi naman niya intention siguro na masugatan ako." I tried to force this thought over and over again. Making myself believe this idiotic fallacy. Making others believe it too, just like how I did.

"Hindi sinasadya, huh? Wow! Sino'ng naglolokohan dito, little Nao? Ilang beses bang hindi sinsasadya ang dapat mangyari bago ka magising sa katotohanan? Naomi, you're such an angel! Too naïve! Just because you're a Christian, you can let others do that to you! Goodness, know your worth!" Shaien was fuming mad. Halos pasigaw niya na itong sinasabi.

Yumuko ako sa kahiyaan at dahil guilty rin ako sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko rin maipagtanggol sarili ko kasi . . . wala akong maidahilan pa.

"Dapat kasi iniwan mo na 'yang tatay mo. Mag-co-college ka na rin naman. Be independent. May kinikita ka naman kaya 'wag ka nang umaasa sa tatay mo. Leave him, Naomi. Sometimes, kapag lagi kang nasa tabi ng tao, hindi nila papansinin ang worth mo, kasi inilalagay nila sa utak nila na never mo silang iiwan. Kaya gagamitin nila yung chances na ibinibigay mo para abusuhin ka nila. Kapag iniwan mo ang tatay mo, baka mas malaking chance na magbago siya kasi mabibigyan mo siya ng pagkakataong mapag-isa. Kapag iniwan mong mag-isa ang tatay mo, ma-mi-miss ka n'on, at maiisip niya ang mga kamalian niya at mas malaking tsansang magbago."

"He's not just anybody, Shaien! He's my dad! Nilalabanan ko naman siya but I still have respect! Talk back, but with respect! Hindi ako makikipagsapakan or gaganti, physically. Kasi ano'ng ipinagkaiba ko sa kanya kung gano'n ako? It'll just prove to others na wala akong pinagkaiba!" giit kong sagot.

Nagulat si Shaien sa sinabi ko. Othniel sighed. "Then, hahayaan mong maapi ka lagi. Is that it, Naomi?"

Natahimik naman ako roon. "No, but I'll never stop praying. I'll still continue believing in miracles even though it's useless. Magtitiwala ako, Othniel! Di ba, ikaw rin naman ang nagsabi n'on?"

Tumango siya. He licked his lower lip, and cooly stood up. He placed both of his hands inside his pockets. "I'll continue supporting you, but if he'd do worst, you know the boundaries. Tawagan mo kami, Naomi. We're your friends. Lean on us at times, too."

Othniel has been vocal with his feelings. Hindi ako naniniwala sa una dahil sadyang mabait siya. But then, he'd starting doing gestures beyond friendship. That bothered me and made me question his motives. After years, napagtagpo-tagpo ko na.

I'm not naïve. I know what he feels. I felt it, too. Vocal naman ako sa feelings ko kahit noong bata pa ako . . . it's just that, I'm acting like I don't.

Kung panahon pa ito noong bata kami, I'll gladly accept him. Matagal ko nang gusto si Othniel and knowing he feels the same is beyond my expectations. Even in my deepest, wildest dreams, never ko inimagine ito. He'd be the perfect cure for the lost childish heart when Mommy died. He'd be someone I'd lean on all the time. May kakampi ako sa mga sakit na nararansan ko if magiging boyfriend ko siya noon.

But then . . . the Naomi now is different. Hindi ko matatanggap si Othniel even if I wanted to. If I did, I'd be using him as a distraction, a momentary decoy to evade the inevitable problems. Masyado akong aasa kay Othniel, and that was wrong. I wouldn't grow. I wouldn't be independent because I'll be obsessively clingy to him if that happens.

That's why, I can't be with Othniel like this. How can I accept Othniel when I'm too broken? I don't want him to fix me up. It's not his responsibility to do that. It's mine.

I warmly smiled. They're indeed my true friends. Alam nila ang pinagdadaanan ko noon pa man kaya naiintindihan nila ako.

How stupid for me to forget that. Even in those darkest days, sila ang nandiyan para sa akin. They help me climb up again. Bakit ko itatago pa sa kanila ito? Bakit ko ba sila iniwasan? They'd always be here for me and that will never change.

"Will do . . . always." I warmly smiled at them and nod.

Sinamahan na nila ako hanggang makauwi ako.

I went home with this light feeling. Somehow, knowing someone knows your pain is still relieving. Hindi man nila nararanasan yung parehas na pain na iyon, naiintindihan naman nila ako.

Natatakot akong pumasok sa bahay kasi baka bad trip pa rin si Daddy. Ayokong mangyari ang nangyari kanina, but do I have any choice?

I let out a sigh of relief nang makitang tahimik si Daddy na nanonood sa sala. He looked calm as he watch his favorite sport, football. Umiiba talaga ang timpla ng itsura ni Daddy kapag nanonood siya ng sports. That's why nang sabihin ko sa kanyang sumubok ako sa volleyball, he'd always give me advice to hit the main goal. Pressuring, but at least, he somehow cared.

If I win the championship, I'd have the opportunity to study in a better school in Manila. Like Ateneo, UP, La Salle or UST. It will be a blessing if I'd get to play in the UAAP, too.

Hindi na ako kumain ng dinner dahil I want to take my opportunity and try bonding with my dad. Good mood siya . . . maybe dropping the good news now would make things better.

He looked calm today, baka makapagkuwentuhan kami. I missed doing this. Dad may often hurt me, but there are times we'd have this kind of father-daughter talk. Hard man and distant, but at least, we still get to talk about a common topic.

I have to be contented with what was served. If I'd ask for more and it can not be given, I'd be disappointed.

Hindi niya ako pinansin nang dumaan ako sa harap niya. He looked focused on the TV.

Humilata ako sa carpet sa tabi ng sofa niya.

"Dad, I am the head captain for the championships," masigla kong ibinalita sa kanya ang matagal ko nang kinikimkim na good news.

I hugged my Hello Kitty pillow. Ibinaon ko roon ang aking kahalating mukha.

He's thin face smirked. "Good then. May magagawa ka rin naman palang puwede kong ipagmalaki. Win it."

Parang may malaking batong nakuha sa aking puso nang sabihin niya iyon. It's not like everyday nakakatanggap ako ng ganito.

"I spiked four times in a row, Dad, at practice today. I scored a lot." And I started telling him what happened in practice.

"How many of trial and error did it take?" he nonchalantly asked.

My forehead creased. "Huh?"

"To get you to that spot. How many'd it take?"

Tumikhim ako. "Five, Dad. Besides, it's just practice. I'm sure I still deserve that spot."

"Five? Kapag ako ang nasa lugar mo, nobody could ever bring me down. Isang buong team ang magtutulong-tulong para mapabagsak ako. It's the way I live my life. Life hits me, I hit back harder. Hindi ako marunong sumuko, hindi ngayon, hindi bukas, hindi kailanman. Naintindihan mo?" Matalim ang tingin ni Daddy sa akin.

Marahan akong tumango. "Naiintindihan ko, Dad. Bukas, I'll make sure I'll give it my all for the preliminary. No one will ever take me down, too."

Dad shrugged at hindi na lang din ako pinansin.

The day ended peacefully than I imagined. On rare times, isa ito sa araw na mahimbing akong nakakatulog dahil hindi mabigat ang damdamin ko.

Ilan taon na rin ang nakalipas mula noong huli akong nakatulog nang ganito kahimbing.

***

I looked on my left and right para masigurado kong wala akong matatamaan habang pabalik-balik ang tingin ko from the ball. This day, maaga akong pumasok sa practice dahil gusto kong masigurado ang capacity ko. Kabado rin ako sa posibleng outcome sa preliminaries kaya sinigurado ko na lang na pumasok nang maaga.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita ang masasamang ngiti sa gilid ng mga alipores ni Nichole. She was with them but farther. Agad akong sinakop ng kaba dahil baka may gawin sila sa akin na hindi kaaya-aya.

The way their's and their leader's desperateness drove them, it wouldn't be a surprise if they will do something to sabotage me.

This is the championships after all. Never underestimate desperate people. You'll never know how far they will go to get what they want.

"Naomi, tired?" Nichole smirked.

Inirapan ko siya at binalewala na lang.

Humalakhak naman ang alipores niya. "Masyado kasing ma-drama lagi, kaya ayan ang napapala. She's such a sinner! Too much sins kaya napaparusahan." Sabay tawa ulit.

I plugged my earphones and made my music louder. Pinagpapatuloy ko na lang ang warm-up training ko at binalewala ang mga hinayupak na alipores ni Nichole.

I did lunges and other warm-up routines like sumo squat, high knees, quad stretch, and baby skips before I started the practice.

Iyon nga lang, hindi talaga makontento si Nichole and yung alipores niya. They kept pestering way too much! Si Nichole, harang nang harang sa harapan ko. Yung alipores naman niya, nakikiharang na rin. What a weirdos!

I wanted to fight back, but then what? Siyempre, talo rin ako kasi parehas kaming mapapagalitan. But if I didn't . . . talo pa rin ako kasi wala namang maniniwala na inaapi ako ng mga ito.

"Wait lang, Nichole!" I gripped her hand hard to stop her from her harsh pushes. Nagulat siya sa ginawa ko. I smiled with sarcasm etched in my face. Tinaasan naman ako ni Nichole ng kilay. "Salamat sa pagpapapansin. Feel ko, ang special ko, kasi gustong-gusto mong pinapansin kita. Pero babalikan na lang kita kapag may paki na ako. Which, I don't think magkakaroon ako . . . ever."

Padabog kong binitiwan ang kamay niya. Tulala pa rin siya sa akin nang gawin ko iyon.

Agad namang namula ang mukha pati tainga niya sa inis sa akin. Nanggigil siya nang talikuran ako, at naghanap ng kakampi sa mga alipores niya. She's one whinny little pest.

Her heavy stomps were audible. Agaw-pansin talaga ang pagmamaktol niya. Kaya yung mga kasama namin doon ay napahinto rin sa ginagawa nila at napatingin sa gawi namin.

Nagsilapitan naman ang mga alipores ni Nichole. Nagulat ako nang bigla nila akong itinulak nang malakas ng mga ito at agad akong napaupo sa sahig. Malakas ang pagkahulog ko at naitungkod ko ang aking kaliwang siko sa sahig. Mas nabigyan ko ng puwersa roon. Hindi ko alam kung ano iyon pero may naramdaman akong nabiyak sa may bandang siko ko.

Goodness gracious!

Nagulat silang lahat sa commotion na naganap sa gilid namin. Hindi ako makagalaw sa gulat. Ganoon din naman sa kanila. Iyon nga lang, nang makabawi . . . unti-unti nang kinakain ng kaba ang dibdib ko.

"What's happening here?" Sumingit ang mga teachers sa amin.

May isang lumuhod sa aking tabi at tinulungan akong iangat. Sinubukan kong umangat, kaso agad kumirot ang siko ko sa sakit kaya agad akong inalalayan ng mga coach. Tinulungan nila akong iangat nang mapansin ang paghihirap kong umangat. Nawawalan na ng lakas ang aking siko, at ang sakit-sakit niya talaga!

Pagkaangat na pagkaangat ko, agad akong napasigaw sa sakit ng aking kaliwang siko nang bitawan ako ng mga coach. Nataranta sila, at agad ininspectionan ang aking siko. Nang inaalalayan nila ako, hindi ko pa ito naramdaman, nang bitawan nila ako at bumagsak ang siko ko, doon palang siya kumirot ng sobra.

"Ang sakit!" I winced in pain."Coach!"

Para akong naputulan ng elbow! I felt helpless and weak. Nangangatog ang binti ko dahil sa halo-halong emosyon. Kinakabahan din ako kasi maling timing makaranas nang ganito!

Ilan oras na lang at preliminaries na!

"Hala! Bali ang elbow mo, Naomi!" natatarantang sinabi ni Coach.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya at agad napabaling ng tingin. Hindi kayang maproseso sa utak ko ang sinabi niya. Ayokong maisip iyon. Baka OA lang itong coach ko o ano?

"No . . . no . . . no . . . ! Coach, bawal mabali ang elbow ko! Not on preliminaries!" naiiyak kong pagmamakaawa sa coach ko. "Ilang oras na lang, preliminaries na! Coach, I can't let go of my spot! I worked hard for it!"

I wanted to touch them but I couldn't. My right hand was supporting my left injured arm.

She looked away. Malungkot ang expression niya and just by that expression, I realized . . . it was game over for me. Everything I've worked so hard for will now fade in front of me. Tapos na.

My heart sank. My mind was clouded and I lost judgement. All I wanted was to blame Nichole. Siya ang may kasalanan! Sinadya niya ito! Siya lang ang may pakana nito!

"You!" I glared at Nichole and her alipores umamaba akong susugurin sila pero agad namang pumagitna ang mga coach sa amin. My broken elbow was too painful! The burning throb of the pain is too unbearable.

"Dahil sa inyo! Kung tinantanan n'yo sana ako, e di, hindi mangyayari 'to! Kasalanan n'yo 'to! Sobra na ba kayong desperate? Alam n'yo namang may pinagdadaanan ako, and this is my only chance to redeem myself pero kinuha n'yo pa!" Pumiyok ang aking boses. "Bakit ba, Nichole? Ano ba'ng ginawa ko sa 'yo? Sa inyo? Galit na galit kayo sa 'kin, e wala naman kayong dapat ikagalit!" Nangingilid na ang aking mga luha. Marahas ko itong pinunasan at bigla na namang sumakit ang siko ko. "Nasa inyo na ang lahat, Nichole. This championship . . . I was hoping if I did it, mag-aayos na kami ni Daddy. Lumaki ako ng sira ang relasyon naming dalawa, Nichole. Only sports . . . and kaya ako sumali dahil only sports lang ang makakapagpasaya sa kanya. You took that chance . . . Nichole! Ano? Masaya ka na?" Tuluyan nang tumulo ang luha ko.

Yumuko sina Nichole. Kita ko rin ang nangingilid na luha sa kanyang mata. Nagulat din siya tulad ko. Pati alipores niyang natahimik rin sa gilid.

"What's the meaning of this, Ms. Lemirez?" Parang kulog na ang boses ng amin coach nang tanungin niya ito kay Nichole.

I continued darting her with piercing eyes. I wanted to kill her so bad! I wanted to take revenge! She took something important to me! I did kill her in my mind, though.

Agad umatake ulit ang sakit. I winced. Nawawalan na ako ng lakas sa legs. My heart was throbbing, too.

Agad akong dinaluhan ni Othniel. Hindi niya na ako hinintay magsalita. Agad niya akong binuhat nang bridal style. I hugged my throbbing elbow closer at hinipan ito, nagbabakasakaling maibsan ang sakit.

"Othniel . . . it hurts." Tuluyan nang nabasag ang boses ko at mas lalo akong umiyak.

Othniel leaned foward and whispered soothing words. Hindi naman iyon sobrang nakatulong, pero kahit papano, may nagawa pa rin ito sa nagpa-panic kong puso.

Doctors rushed in to tend me pagkadating namin. I saw Dad rushing in, too. Kita ko ang pag-aalala sa kanyang mukha nang maglakad siya palapit sa akin.

"Sir, are you the parent of Naomi Angeles?" tanong ng isang nurse sa amin.

Tumango si Daddy.

"Sir, kailangan na po naming operahan ang anak ninyo," agad sinabi ng nurse. Kumuha siya ng machine at may X-ray na nakalagay roon. The machine lit up, and nakita namin X-ray ng elbow ko roon. "The bone that holds her elbow, the medial epicondyle is cracked. Kailangang ayusin ito para hindi na lumubha. Hindi rin puwedeng patagalin ito dahil lalong masakit ito para sa pasyente."

Napatayo si Othniel sa narinig niya. Daddy sighed. Marahan siyang tumango sa nurse. Hindi ako sinusulyapan ni Daddy.

I felt sad! I felt disappointed! I hated the world so much!

Agad akong sinasaksakan ng general anesthesia. The doctor said, puwede na akong maging outpatient kung kaya kong bumangon agad. Kapag hindi naman, a day will do.

Hindi ko alam kung ilang oras akong nakatulog. Nahimasmasan na lang ako nang makarinig ako ng nag-uusap sa aking gilid at kaluskos ng upuan.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Angeles. Pero talagang mahigpit ko nang ipinagbabawal na makalaro siya."

Nakahalukipkip si Daddy sa may paanan ko. Nakatayo naman ang doctor sa harapan niya. Othniel was beside my bed holding my hand, nakatingin rin sa kanila. He looked sad and disappointed.

"Wala na ba talagang pag-asang makahabol, Doc?"

Umiling ang doctor. "I'm sorry."

"Daddy—" my hoarse weak voice.

Agad silang napabaling sakin.

"What does he mean?" paos ang aking boses.

Hindi nakakibo si Daddy. Iniwas niya na lang ang kanyang tingin sa akin. Othniel tightened his hold of my hand.

"I'm sorry, Naomi, but you can never play volleyball again. Your elbow was severely injured. Maaayos man siya sa therapy . . . through time." Maingat na banggit ng doktora sa harap. I felt relieve with what she said at first.

"But I'm sorry to tell you that you have to give up on that championships," she finished.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at umawang ang aking labi sa gulat. Gusto kong tumayo agad, pero hilo pa rin ako sa anaesthesia. Hindi maproseso ng utak ko ang huling mga sinabi ng doktora dahil ako mismo, hindi ko kayang tanggapin iyon.

"Huh? What do you mean?" naguguluhan kong tanong.

"Sabi nila, hindi ka na makakalaro, Naomi," pagod na ani Daddy.

Kinakabahan na lalo ako. I know I can't play for preliminaries, but even championships?! No! Hindi ko tatangapin ito.

"For preliminaries, right?" I faked laugh. "Momentarily lang naman ito, di ba? After a week, I'll be able to go back, right?"

Malungkot akong tiningnan ng doctor. Iniwas ni Othniel ang kanyang tingin sa akin. Si Daddy naman, matalim at inis ang tingin sa akin. "Naomi, you can never play volleyball . . . again. As much as possible, iwasan mo na para hindi bumigay ulit ang siko mo."

Tumulo na ang luha ko. "NO! You're kidding, right? Sa tingin mo, gano'n-gano'n lang 'yon? All my life, I served and trained well for this moment, then sasabihan n'yo 'kong g-um-ive up na lang? Are you crazy?!"

"Naomi, ano pa'ng silbi sa paglalaro kung lagi ka lang mapipilayan? Don't you get it? Your elbow cracked! Hindi basta-basta gagaling 'yan kasi may bakal nang naka-implant diyan!" Naiirita na si Daddy nang sabihin iyon sa akin.

Umiling-iling ako. "You're a doctor, right? Gawan mo ng paraan, please! I just can't accept this!"

Agad akong dinaluhan ni Othniel at niyakap. I kept wailing. Yumuko si Othniel at hinigpitan ang pagyayakap niya sa akin.

"It's disappointing, yes, but that's life. We don't hold the future, Naomi. What happened, happened for a reason. We don't know what reason is, but surely, aside from sport, you'd excel in something you haven't notice yet," malungkot na sinabi ng doctor. "Even if we really wanted to help you, wala kami magagawa kapag buto na, Naomi. Nasa tao na 'yon. We're human, too. We're not God."

I didn't care. I didn't listened. Sinarado ko na lang tainga ko sa lahat ng pinagsasasabi nila.

"You know what, wala rin naman kayong naiintindihan sa nararamdaman ko. Mas mabuti pang iwanan n'yo na lang ako."

Hindi ko sila binalingan ng tingin. Inalis ko rin ang kamay ni Othniel sa akin gamit ang aking kanang kamay at marahas na itinulak siya palayo.

"LEAVE! GET OUT! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I shouted at them.

Inirapan lang ako ni Daddy at umalis. Othniel and the doctor hesitated, but defeatedly went out, too.

Nang maiwan akong mag-isa, agad kong pinaghahahagis ang gamit sa loob ng hospital room. No one dared enter my room. I screamed all my frustrations out.

I continuously did that hanggang kumalma ako. Hilo pa ako sa pampamanhid na isinaksak sa akin noong inoperahan ako.

I hate God. Wala na talaga akong pag-asa! Hindi ako naïve and delusyonal, I trust God so much, and yet . . . I hate Him! Why bother believing in Him? Wala naman siyang naiparamdam sa akin kundi sakit!"

When the sky changed from bright to dark, and the stars are twinkling above the sky, I looked on my left. My hospital room is small but luckily I have a window that is overlooking the whole city.

Dad didn't bother staying in my room. Noong umalis si Othniel, umalis din si Daddy. All my needs were supervised by the nurse.

Puno ng galit at poot ang aking puso. I lost the championship, and my dad wasn't even here to console me. Iniwan niya ako mabulok dito mag-isa!

Sa bagay, sa mundong ito, mag-isa lang naman talaga ako. Ako lang ang tumatayo para sa sarili ko. Ako lang ang nakakaintindi sa sarili ko.

Sana nandito pa si Auntie, but she wasn't around. Sana nandito pa si Mommy, but she took her own life.

I was tempted to follow Mommy's footsteps. They say the afterlife is painless. Maybe I can try feel it too. Baka sakali, all these trouble and pain I felt will be gone too.

Marahas kong hinatak paalis yung IV na nakatusok sa akin. I pulled out my bag and changed my clothes. Ayoko rito sa hospital. Kung wala rin namang may paki, then I'll leave, too.

I'll live my life away from misery.

Kinuha ko yung black tennis skirt and black off-shoulder top. Nag-makeup din ako para maitago ang pamumutla ko.

I booked my Grab to the nearest bar I know.

Nang makapasok ako sa loob, I ignored those wild people, and head straight to the bartender. I asked for something mild at first, hanggang maging pa-hard drinks na ang iniinom ko.

Shots of whiskey and coke! I sipped on the lime right after.

Phew! Kadiri!

Ngumiwi ako nang maramdaman ko ang init sa akin lalamunan pababa sa aking damdamin.

I drank my heart out. I partied like there's no tomorrow. I danced with most strangers I could interact with. I made something out of my lifeless life!

I tell you, it's worth a distraction, at least! Tama sila, ang sarap magwalwal kapag walang patutunguhan ang buhay mo. My life's a trash afterall.

"Naomi." Isang familiar na baritonong boses ang narinig ko that made me stop from what I was doing.

I stiffened. I know that voice. Deep down, I'll never forget that voice.

Agad kong hinahanap ang boses na iyon, and I saw him not far from me.

He was seriously looking at me. Sa talim ng tingin niya at sa isang guhit ng kanyang labi, I can tell he wasn't pleased or happy.

How long have he been watching me? Para akong nahuli sa krimen. Parang nabuhusan ng malamig na tubig ang damdamin ko, and I felt wide awake.

His jaw clenched, as he took big steps towards me. His uniform is untidy, and nakatupi hanggang siko ang kanyang long sleeves. He muscled protruded nang kinuyom niya ito.

Goodness, kahit ba lasing ako, may pagnanasa pa rin ako sa lalaking ito?

I licked my lips and my mind wandered to those ungodly thoughts. Ano kaya ang pakiramdam na mahawakan si Othniel? Surely, he wasn't that innocent, too? Should I seduce him? Besides, what's more to lose? Nawala na rin naman sa akin lahat. Baka virginity ko na ang susunod. At least, I should give it to the person I loved?

I was now somebody useless. I'm academically slow now, I barely even pass the college I want, I'm already banned to become an athlete. So what's the use of living when I no longer have anything to prove to myself and to anyone?

I'm useless and my life sucks.

Parang may mga sariling utak ang aking paa, unti-unti itong humahakbang patalikod habang si Othniel patuloy na humahakbang palapit sa akin.

He momentarily stopped when he saw how my body reacted towards his strides. My mouth slightly opened, when he clenched his jaw the second time around. This time, he took huge steps, and bago pa ulit ako makaatras, agad niya na akong kinulong sa kanyang bisig.

His hoarse breathing near my ear, made my heart clenched. My unwanted tears start forming again, his hugged got tighter when he felt my tears fell.

"That's enough, Naomi," he softly whispered.

Hindi ko na maintindihan ang mga susunod niyang sinabi dahil nahihilo na ako sa rami ng alak na nainom ko. Unti-unti na ring naging blurry ang aking paningin hanggang tuluyan nang naging itim ang paningin ko.