Chapter 5

This chapter is dedicated for all the moms out there. Thank you for the unconditional love you never fail to shower us. You're one of the priceless jewel that we wouldn't trade for anything. We love you, mom!

Of course, to my dearest mommy, I love you more!

#OnePromiseWp

Chapter 5

When someone asked, what is a mother? G****e would have answered . . .

"The woman who loves you unconditionally from birth. The one who puts her kids before herself and the one who you can always count on above everyone else. Just telling her your problems makes you feel better because mom's always know how to make it all go away. Even if you fight, know that she's just looking out for your best interests."

But then, that was G****e's answer. If someone were to ask, what is a mother to you, what would've been your answer, then?

Most of the time, we tend to ignore mothers the most. We always take them for granted believing that God wouldn't take them from us anytime soon. Our mothers are our lifesaver. Our mom is someone who we always rely on, she'll always be our safe haven. As a child, we are selfish by nature, we all know that. But in reality, mothers are not superheroes, they aren't immortal. They're also delicate like anybody and only God knows when it's the perfect time for Him to take our mothers away from us.

"Your mother is gone, Naomi."

Kumunot ang noo ko sa sinabi niya.

"No, you've got to be kidding me." Umiling-iling ako, tila hindi makapaniwala sa sinabi. "Why the hell is Mommy gone? I was just gone for days lang! What the hell happened!"

Iniwas ni Auntie ang mata niya sa akin. Pinunasan niya ito.

"Naomi, pagkatapos kang ihatid ng mama mo, nahulog ang kotseng minamaneho niya sa isang bangin. It was too late nang matagpuan siya. Sabi nila, may pusa raw sa daanan kaya iniwasan niya. Others said she was distracted, kaya ganoon."

Yumuko si Auntie. "Ang daming haka-haka, Naomi. Nobody was around nang mabangga siya, so nobody knew what is the true story. She was able to wake up for a moment, until unti-unti na siyang binawian ng buhay." Naiyak na si Auntie.

Tumulo pa ang luha ko dahil sa sinabi niya. Agad nawalan ng pakiramdam ang aking mga binti. Napaluhod ako sa harap ni Auntie and I sobbed hard.

It was so painful! Gustong-gusto kong manakit ng iba para lang maibsan ang sakit na nararamdaman ko. Deep inside, gustong-gusto kong sisihin ang sarili ko. Kung hindi lang ako hinatid ni Mommy, hindi siya maaksidente! But then, alam kong hindi ko pa rin kayang paniwalaan iyon.

I badly wanted to inflict pain on others. I wanted empathy! I wanted to feel something! I felt so lost! I wanted to blame someone—anyone for this. But then I couldn't. 'Cause in the end, I was the one who's to blame.

I should've listen to Daddy. Ayaw niyang pumayag e. That was a sign. But then, ang tigas ng ulo ko. I insisted going to that camp and never imagined that it would cost my mother's life. Kung alam ko lang, e di sana, pinilit ko na lang siyang mag-drive kami. Then my little body could've done something to prevent that accident. Mommy wouldn't have died in that car crash, or better we could've died together. Hindi na ako maiiwan ditong mag-isa.

Daddy never loved me anyway. Bakit ko pa ipipilit ang sarili ko sa taong simula pa lang, never namang ipinaramdam sa akin na mahal niya ako?

Lumuhod na rin si Auntie. She hugged me tight. She cooed me with soft whispers of lullaby hoping it would ease the pain, but it couldn't.

I didn't think there was anything in this world that could ease the pain. It was just excruciating enough that it had overwhelmed my rationality.

Nothing. I felt nothing. It felt like I was trap in a blackhole and there was no way out but to kill myself.

I wanted to curse God for making this happen.

Bakit si Mommy pa? Of all the people na puwede niyang kunin, bakit ang nag-iisang taong kinakapitan ko pa?

God, haven't you hurt me enough? How much trials of life do I still have to fight, just to continue living peacefully? I'm tired. God, I want to rest. I want to sleep and never wake up anymore.

"Sshh . . . Naomi. I know, wala akong masasabi sa iyo para matulungan ka sa nararamdaman mo. But remember, you're not the only one who lost someone they loved. Tandaan mo ang daddy mo. Just think how painful it is for him to lose your mom," Auntie reminded me.

Hinarap ako ni Auntie. My face looked weary. My clogged reddy nose, my pinkish wet cheeks, my continuous drops of tears made me look like a wrecked mess.

I felt nothing for Daddy. Wala akong paki kung nasasaktan siya kasi in the first place, he never cared for us. Sinasaktan niya lang naman kami! Now that Mommy's gone, for sure, ako naman ang sasaktan niya.

She smiled sadly, and she gently wiped off the tears on my face. "Naomi, I think you should go to your father. He needs you now more than ever. Your father maybe cruel most of the time, but I know, deep down, he loves you both. His ways maybe crooked but he is still your father, Naomi. Huwag mong hayaang mawala rin siya sa iyo. Kahit gaano kasama ang isang tao, family is still family. He is your flesh and blood. Help him, guide him, support him, Naomi. That's what your mother would've wanted you to do."

I sobbed harder. Auntie was right. Lagi naman iyong pinapaalala ni Mommy sa akin. But then, kung pamilya ang turing ni Daddy sa akin, bakit niya ako sinasaktan? His ways are crooked? I already branded him as a monster! Gustong-gusto ko na siyang iwanan noon pa.

It was only because of Mom why I stayed. Ngayon, wala na si Mommy, paano na ako? What should I do next?

Pinunasan ko na rin ang mga luha sa gilid ng aking mata.

Pinapasok muna ako ni Auntie sa kanilang bahay para maghapunan bago niya ako sinamahan pabalik sa bahay para matulungang magbihis. Dadalhin ako ni Auntie sa pinaglamayan kay Mommy.

I wasn't ready to see my mom sleeping soundly in a coffin. Parang kailan lang, nagtatawanan pa kami. Parang kailan lang, niyayakap niya ako bilang pagbati ng happy birthday, o kaya't pinoprotektahan niya ako hanggang kaya niya akong protektahan kay Daddy.

Of all the people God could've take, why did He have to take those who are faithfully serving Him? Bakit yung mga mababait pa ang kinukuha niya? Bakit hindi naman yung mga masamang tao sa mundo ang kunin niya? Not that I want to lose my dad, but I certainly didn't want to lose my mom even more.

Mom was my superhero . . . but she wasn't immortal. Now, I am once again, awaken by the truth that our time on earth has a limit. That . . . we are all mortals. God's in control in our lives and it's up to him if He'll decide to take our spirits out of our body.

My heart felt like drowning from so much agony. Nawawala ako sa tamang huwisyo. Tuliro ako. I wanted to start a fight so I would feel something. I felt lifeless.

Tahimik si Auntie habang minamaneho niya ang kotse papunta sa La Funeral Paz. Doon daw kasi nakalagak ang katawan ni Mommy dahil sila lang ang may available slots noong time na iyon.

I was silent the whole trip. I kept thinking, regretting, and asking: Bakit ba ang hilig tayong pahirapan ni God? How could God take away my mom? Bata pa ako! I needed her now more than ever!

Then mauuwi ako sa tanong na ano ba ang right timing para kay God?

How could I save my Dad when I didn't even understand God! Why did I follow someone who didn't seem to care about me? He never once answered any of my prayers. He wasn't there when I was desperately pleading for help.

No matter how much I tried recalling our pastor's preaching, hindi pa rin talaga sapat iyon para maibsan ang sakit. Ang dami kong tanong na gustong ibuhos kay God, pero kahit tanungin ko siya, wala naman akong mapapala!

Lalong bumuhos ang luha ko nang makita si Daddy na mag-isang nakaupo sa funeral home. He was drinking again, but he looked calmer now. Yet, his eyes are puffy red like mine.

"Daddy!" pasigaw kong tinawag si Daddy.

Agad akong tumakbo palapit sa kanya at niyakap siya nang mahigpit.

Daddy didn't move. He look so stunned to see me.

"Daddy?" Sinilip ko siya.

He looked disgusted. He wasn't happy to see me nor sad. In fact, I could see how much he hated me as of the moment. His accusing eyes made me feel that hell will rise between us.

"Sorry, Daddy." Lumayo agad ako kay Daddy at yumuko sa harap niya.

Nagulat ako nang bigla niya akong sinampal nang napakalakas! Napahawak agad ako sa aking pisngi.

"Ikaw, bata ka! Ikaw ang may kasalanan nito! Tang ina mo!"

Marahas na hinablot ni Daddy ang buhok ko at pinaghahatak iyon. I yelped in pain! Nagsimula na namang tumulo ang aking mga luha dahil sa sakit. Para na rin akong sinasaksak sa lahat ng nangyayari sa akin!

Bigong-bigo ako sa lahat ng akala ko.

Akala ko, magbabago na si Daddy. Akala ko, for once, he's mourning. Akala ko, dahil wala na si Mommy, Daddy would somehow realize how fragile life is. Ilang beses ko ba kailangang mabigo kaaasa ng imposible? Ilang beses ba dapat akong masaktan para maitatak ko sa sarili ko na huwag nang umasa? Para kasing involuntary ang puso ko e. Alam ko namang huwag nang umasa kasi mabibigo lang ako, pero asa pa rin ako nang asa.

"Sana, ikaw na lang ang namatay! You're nothing but useless sa pamamahay! Puro palamon ka lang! Napaka-spoiled mo! Tingnan mo ang ginawa mo sa mommy mo, Naomi! Wala na siya! Patay na at dahil sa 'yo 'yon!"

Lumuhod si Daddy para magka-eye level kami. Hindi niya pa rin tinatangal ang kamay niya sa aking buhok. Lalo niyang inayos ang pagkahawak nito at lalong hinigpitan bago hatakin ulit pataas para makita niya ang mukha ko.

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko. Alam kong tumutulo pa rin ang luha ko dahil ramdam ko itong dumadaan sa gilid ng aking mata hanggang bumagsak ito sa aking panga pababa sa sahig.

Pinaharap niya ako sa kabaong ni Mommy.

"Kita mo 'yan? Kasalanan mo 'yan! Pinatay mo ang sarili mong nanay! Inggrata ka kahit kailan!" parang kulog na isinigaw ni daddy.

Sobrang lakas ng sigaw ni Daddy, pati ang paghalo ng aking iyak. Idinilat ko ang mga mata ko para makahingi ng tulong. Nakita kong pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga tao sa labas. May ibang umaambang lalapit. May ibang usisero't usiserang nanonood lang. May ibang bini-video-han kami.

"Tulong!" I shouted with all my might. "Tulungan n'yo po ako, please!"

I desperately needed help. Kita naman nila iyon, di ba? Bakit kaysa tumulong sila, mas inuuna pa nila ang pagtsi-chismis sa nangyayari?

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mga mata ko. Patuloy pa ring tumutulo ang luha ko. Hinawakan ko ang kamay ni Daddy para tanggalin ang kamay niyang marahas na nakahawak sa buhok ko.

"Daddy! I'm sorry. I'm sorry po! Hindi ko naman gusto ang nangyari! Daddy! Please," I begged.

He snorted. He forcefully and murderously dragged me near to my mother's coffin. Halos magkanda-dapa-dapa na ako habang hinahatak ako ni Daddy mula sa buhok ko.

Sumisigaw na ako para humingi ng tulong kahit kanino. I was desperate and hysterical. Daddy was heartless and a demon! I should've had listened to my Auntie.

Daddy would never ever change. He was an alcoholic and jackass. A demon in disguise as a human being. He didn't deserve pity. He deserved hate.

"Daddy! Please! Bitiwan mo na ang buhok ko. Daddy, nasasaktan ako! I'm sorry!" Patuloy ko pa ring pagmamakaawa.

Hoping that somewhere inside his heart, he still loved me as his daughter to hear my desperate plead and pain.

"'Yan! Nakita mo? 'Yan ang napapala mo kapag tumitigas ang ulo mo! Your mother's gone, Naomi! She left us! All because of you! Now, rot in hell and repent for the sins you've all caused us." Isinubsob niya ako roon. "Napakawalang kuwenta mo kahit kailan! Hindi ka gumagamit ng kokote mo! Hindi mo iniisip ang consequence ng actions mo! Inutil! Tonta!"

Tumama ang tiyan ko sa gilid ng nakaukit sa kabaong at kamay ko naman sa ibabaw niyon. I wailed in pain. Hinawakan ko agad ang kamay ko habang iniinda ang sakit.

Natulala ako nang makita ko ang mukha ni Mommy sa loob. She was sleeping quietly. Nakangiti ang labi niya. Para siyang anghel. She was blooming too much. She looked peaceful and happy now.

My heart clenched. Ang sakit tingnan si Mommy sa loob. I was torn inside. Gusto kong maging masaya siya pero ayaw kong iwanan niya na ako. Alam kong pagod na siya, pero hindi ba niya kayang tiisin pa kasama ako?

Mommy, I maybe selfish but you're more selfish than me. How can you leave me without even a proper goodbye? Nakakainis ka! You promised you'd always stay by my side. Now, where are you? Nauna ka na kay God!

I would never trust anything anymore. If mommy was able to leave me, what more if someone who wasn't even related to me? I would never ever love someone. I didn't want to experience the same traumatic scenarios again and again. I didn't want to get hurt. I would shield myself away bago pa mangyari iyon.

Getting hurt the first time is enough. Second one is stupidity. Repeating it for the third time is plainly ignorance already.

"I'm sorry, Daddy!" I hoarsely whispered. "If I only knew, then things would've been different, right? If I only listened, then we would've had to experience this, di ba? Kasalanan ko naman po." Pumiyok na aking boses dahil sa halo-halong emosyon.

Ipinatong ko ang kamay ko sa ibabaw ng kabaong ni Mommy. I caressed her face even if may glass na nakaharang. I still did, thinking that it was her face I was touching. Namumungay ang mata ko habang pinagmamasdan si Mommy.

Daddy laughed out loud with no humor.

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga at kinuyom ang kamay ko.

"Ikaw bata ka! Buti, alam mo! Napakainggrata! Sana hindi ka na lang ipinanganak! Sana hindi ka na nabuhay kung puro problema lang din pala ang idudulot mo sa akin!" Dinuro niya ako with pure disdain, pure disgust.

Hindi niya ako tiningnan. Umamba siyang susugod ulit sa akin nang maunahan siya ni Auntie.

"Theo! Huminahon ka nga! Sinaktan mo na naman si Naomi! Sa burol pa talaga ni Chezka? Gaano ba kakitid 'yang kokote mo? Bakit mo sisisihin si Naomi? Hindi naman siya ang naglagay ng pusa sa daanan! Hindi siya ang nagpumilit pumunta sa camp na 'yon. Si Chezka! Siya ang nagbayad para kay Naomi, di ba? Bakit mo ba inilalabas ang sama ng loob mo sa sarili mong kadugo! God, Theodore! Eleven pa lang itong si Naomi pero kung makaasta ka! Bata pa 'yang anak mo! Maawa ka nga! Ikaw ang last call ni Chezka! Baka ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit distracted siya!" pagtatanggol sa akin ni Auntie.

Umusog siya patalikod at mariing hinawakan ang kamay ko. She pressed it to assured me she would save me. She would protect me just like how my mother protected me.

"Umalis ka rito, Carol! Wala kang kinalaman dito! Problema ng pamilya 'to! Nanghihimasok ka sa gulo ng iba!" pagalit na sinagot ni Daddy si Auntie.

I flinched from Dad's overflowing wrath. He wasn't normal anymore.

"Paano ako hindi manghihimasok! Tingnan mo 'tong si Naomi! Theodore! Anak mo 'to! Tama bang saktan mo nang ganyan yung bata?!"

Ngumiwi si Daddy. "Anak ko 'yan kung may silbi siya, kaso wala e! Napakawalang kuwenta!"

Tinakpan ni Auntie ang tainga ko. Lumuhod siya sa harap ko, she kept cooing me with words I didn't understand. Hindi niya ako hinayaang tumingin kay Daddy.

Kumikirot ang puso habang pinakikingan ang mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig ni Daddy. Just how powerful words are. Madali silang bigkasin, pero masakit makatama.

He is my dad.

Daddy spat on the floor. He harshly walked away from us, living us alone at the funeral that day.

From then on, hindi na ako iniwan ni Auntie. She would always create a gap between Daddy and I. Para siyang tumayong peace line naming dalawa ni Daddy. Hindi na ako sinasaktan ni Daddy o kinakausap.

I didn't bother talking to him, too. Wala akong pakialam kung galit siya sa akin. I didn't have a space inside my head for his senseless accusation and tantrums.

Tahimik ako sa dalawang araw na nasa funeral ako. Shaien and Othniel with their family visited us. Axl too, and the other church troops went to visit Mommy.

Iniwas ko agad ang tingin ko kay Othniel. I wouldn't want him to see me on my worst state.

Shaien hugged me and Othniel tapped my back.

Mapait akong ngumiti kay Shaien.

Iniiwas ko pa rin ang aking mata kay Othniel. Patuloy lang din akong pinagmamasdan ng malalamig na mata niya.

Kahit tuliro ako, kinabahan pa rin ako sa paraan ng paninitig ni Othniel. Sobrang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko, at pinagpapawisan na ako. I barely even spare him a glance. Titingin lang ako sa kanya kapag alam kong busy siya. Kapag haharap na ulit siya sa akin, iiiwas ko na agad ang aking mata at itututuon iyon sa ibang bagay.

"I'm sorry, Naomi," malungkot na sambit ni Shaien sa akin.

Hindi ko siya kinibo. Tumango lang ako at iniwas ang tingin sa kanya—o kanila.

They stayed by my side for the last two days. Hindi rin sila umuwi. Tinulungan nila ako sa pakikipag-usap sa iba pang mga bisita. When Auntie left me for a moment, nandiyan sila para sa akin.

Daddy didn't mind their presence. Wala naman talaga siyang pakialam sa akin simula pa lang kaya walang kaso sa kanyang nandito sina Shaien.

On the third day, the night before ilibing si Mommy, pinauwi muna ako ni Auntie para makapagpahinga at makapag-ayos ng gamit. Simula nang umuwi ako galing camp, tuloy-tuloy na kasi ang nangyayari sa buhay ko at hindi na ako makahanap ng tamang oras para makauwi at makapag-ayos ulit.

Daddy was casual to me from then on. He never said sorry, but he's talking to me little by little.

I didn't want to go home, but I know deep down, I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally tired from all of these.

Sina Shaien and Othniel, umuwi na rin muna para mapaghandaan ang bukas.

I was silent the whole drive home. Auntie didn't talked to me much. Siguro, alam niya ring wala akong ganang makipag-usap kahit kanino, lalong-lalo na nitong mga nakaraang araw.

I plugged in my headset, I listened to Louis Tomlinson's Two of Us, at isinandal na lang ang ulo sa may bintana. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko at dinamdam ang kanta.

"Naomi, 'wag kang mahiyang lapitan ako kapag may kailangan ka, ha? Gusto ko sanang dito ka sa bahay, pero naiintindihan ko naman kung gusto mong mapag-isa."

Mapait kong nginitian si Auntie. Assuring her na ayos lang ako. "I need time to think . . . alone po, Auntie. Kaya ayos lang po kung mag-isa lang muna ako sa bahay."

Naninimbang ang mga mata ni Auntie sa akin. Tumango na lang siya bilang paubaya sa aking kahilingan. "O, siya. Bago ko makalimutang ibigay. Nakita ito sa loob ng bag ng mommy mo. Hindi ko nakuha ang pagkakataong ibigay ito sa 'yo no'ng nasa funeral dahil alam kong busy kayo. Ngayon na mag-isa ka muna, baka mabasa mo ito at mahimasmasan ka kahit papano," Auntie said.

She handed me an envelope na may cursive writing na "My Little Naomi" sa gilid. I know that handwriting. I'm positive, iisa lang ang may-ari niyan. Walang iba kundi si Mommy.

Inangat ko ang tingin ko sa kanya. She warmly smiled. Pinunasan niya rin ang mga luhang nasa gilid ng mata ko.

Hinarap ko ang buong bahay namin. Nakatayo ako sa harap ng pinto at bigla akong natakot pumasok sa loob.

This dark lonely house made me realize na mag-isa na lang talaga ako.

Pagkapasok ko sa loob, binati ako ng iba't ibang memoryang nangyari sa loob ng bahay na ito. May mga masasayang memorya, may mga malulungkot din. All memories I had in this house includes Mommy.

Inaatake na naman ako ng sakit. My tears unconsciously fell again when I opened the lights.

The house I treated as home . . .

The whole place felt empty.

Hinaplos ko yung soft cream blanket pantakip ng sofa . . . natandaan ko ang panahon na naghahabulan kami ni Mommy rito dahil gusto niya na akong paliguan pero ayoko pa. I was so happy that time while Mommy was so annoyed.

Those cabinet near the sofa that I used to help Mommy fix everytime na bad mood si Daddy.

Pumunta ako sa kusina para sana uminom ng tubig. I stopped on tracks na pasadahan ko ng tingin ang buong kusina. Lalong kumirot ang dibdib ko.

I could freshly remember every damn memories na meron dito. Dito ako lagi pinapatahan ni Mommy. Our giggles and laughs everytime nag-ba-bake kami.

Unti-unti na silang nawawala hanggang sa mamulat na naman akong mag-isa na lang ako ngayon sa bahay.

"Mommy, I miss you so much. Sana kinuha na rin ako ni God. Ang sakit-sakit, Mommy. I'm longing for your presence, and all I have are painful memories to remember. Bakit kailangang humantong sa ganito? Bakit ang bilis mong mang-iwan?"

Umakyat ako sa hagdanan. Every step felt like a blackhole. Parang gustong-gusto ko nang sumuko. I reached that point of . . . of wanting to commit suicide to stop all these pain. Gusto ko nang tapusin ito dahil pagod na ako.

Pagpasok ko sa aking kuwarto, lalo kong ibinuhos ang luha ko roon. I hugged the nearest pillow I could find. I cried and cried, I screamed all my frustrations.

Marahas akong tumayo. I took out a cutter in my drawer at tinangkang sugatan ang aking pulso. If this pain won't stop, then I will stop it myself.

Mommy, hintayin mo ako.

Desidido na akong hiwain ang aking pulso ng cutter. The first attempt failed dahil sa nanlalabo kong mga mata. My tears flowed too much it cover my eyes. Marahan kong pinunasan ang mga luha ko. Kita ko ang dugong patuloy na lumalabas sa aking pulso. I didn't care. I didn't bother wiping it, too. I attempted to do it the second time nang mahagip ng mata ko ang sulat ni Mommy na nasa sahig.

I stopped what I was doing. Inilapag ko ang aking cutter sa tokador malapit at naglakad palapit sa sobre at ipinulot ito.

Umupo ako sa may bintana. Dahan-dahan kong binuksan ang sobre. My heart felt heavier than usual. I wanted to stop. Maybe . . . I can read this some other time, and not today?

But then, at some point, I know kahit gaano ko ipagpaliban iyon, dadating pa rin ang puntong kakailanganin ko na rin ang closure. Hindi ako makaka-move on kung patuloy kong iiwasan iyon. May oras ang pag-iwas pero hindi iyon ang sagot para maka-move on.

My sweet little Naomi,

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I won't be able to be with you as you grew older anymore. I'm sorry I couldn't fight for a longer life, Naomi. I never meant to leave like this. I'm sorry for leaving you behind alone, Naomi. Pero, pagod na rin kasi si Mommy. Masyado nang pagod na pagod si Mommy. Huwag ka sanang magalit kay Mommy, ha? Patawad kung kailangan mong maranasan ang ganito at such a young age. My heart breaks every time I would think of what you're going through. Patawad kung hindi kita nabigyan ng isang magandang buhay. Patawad kung hindi na kita hinintay, Anak. Patawad sa lahat ng kasalanan ko.

I was told that I have cancer, Anak. It was at critical stage, that's why the doctors can't seem to find a solusion for that. Mahirap lang tayo, Anak. I was given three months to live . . . pero ayokong makita kayong nahihirapan habang nararanasan ko ang sakit ko, Anak. Mahal ko kayo ng Daddy mo kaya ayokong nakikita kayong nahihirapan. Pasensya na, Anak, hindi kita nabigyan ng isang masayahin pamilya.

Maaaring may mga malungkot na bagay na nangyayari sa iyo ngayon, and you might be feeling really overwhelmed right now . . . but don't lose hope, Anak. I know you're maybe sad right now, and feel like crying sometimes, pero huwag mong kalimutan, mahal na mahal ka ng Mommy mo. Ikaw lang ang naging kapitan ko, Anak. Noong nalaman kong may cancer ako, ikaw lang ang nagbigay ng pag-asa sa akin para lumaban nang matagal. Pasensya na kung malayo na ako para mahawakan mo, but don't always doubt my presence. Lagi-lagi kong yayakapin ang lost soul ng aking little Nao-nao. Anak, huwag mo sanang sisihin si God kapag nalaman mo na ang nangyari sa akin. I did this to myself, Naomi. Ginusto ko ito. But I don't want you to lose faith in God dahil si God lang ang makakatulong sa iyo. Alam kong hinding-hindi ka iiwan ni God.

I maybe a selfish mother for leaving you alone, but I made sure you'll receive one's priceless gift, and that is God presence. I can leave without regrets because I know, God is with you, Naomi. God will protect you for me. God is our God. He's the God who answers our hunger and needs. Our God who knows better than anyone.

Pasensya na, Anak, kung maiksi lang ang maisusulat kong letra para sa iyo. Ayoko lang kasing umalis nang hindi nagpapaalam sa iyo. Patawad, hindi na kita mahihintay, Anak. Pero huwag kang mag-alala, Anak. Sigurado akong masaya na ako sa piling ni God. Magiging masaya ako sa piling Niya at gagabayan kita habang lumalaki ka. Babantayan kita.

I left you money for college. Sapat na ang kinita ko para makapagpatuloy ka ng pag-aaral. Huwag mo na lang ibigay ito sa Daddy mo. Your daddy has issues but it's not enough for you to leave him, okay? I assume na kaya mo nang maging isang independent lady soon, Anak. Nasa cabinet mo ito lahat. Pasensya ka na, Anak, kaunti lang ang naipon ko. All my insurances and lahat ng perang makukuha ninyo pagkamatay ko, itago mo iyon, ha? Mag-ipon ka, Anak. Magtapos ka, Anak, at ituloy mo ang pangarap mo. Kahit ano pa iyan, susuportahan kita.

Paalam, Anak. Huwag mong kalimutan, mahal na mahal ka ni Mommy.

Namamaalam,

Mommy.

Patuloy na tumutulo ang luha ko. Kumikirot nang sobra ang puso ko nang mapagtantong hindi aksidente ang nangyari kay Mommy. It was intentional. Mommy committed suicide. It's not God who took her away. She pulled herself away. Si Mommy na mismo ang naglayo ng sarili niya sa amin. I wailed my heart out. Niyakap ko ang sulat ni Mommy para sa akin habang paulit-ulit na binibigkas ang pagmamahal ko sa kanya.

"I love you, Mommy! I love you!"

Regret attacked me. I didn't even get to say I love you back that time. Kung alam ko lang na iyon na pala ang huli naming pagkikita, sana sinulit ko na. Sana sinabi ko sa kanya kung gaano ko siya kamahal. Sana araw-araw ko na lang iyong ipinaramdam. Sana hindi ko pinalagpas ang araw-araw na nakakasama ko siya without significantly doing something that is worth the moment.

Nakakain ako ng sana. I regretted it too much.

I only realized it now—that we're all mortal. Hindi natin hawak ang oras o ang buhay. Anytime, puwedeng mawala sa atin ang minamahal natin sa buhay, puwede ngayon, puwede mamaya, puwede bukas. Kaya dapat, sinusulit natin ang mga pagkakataong ibinibigay ni God sa atin. Dapat lagi nating ipinararamdam sa magulang natin kung gaano natin sila kamahal kasi hindi natin alam kung ano ang plano ni Lord.

Masakit mamatayan ng magulang. Masakit mawala si Mommy. Pero mas masakit na hindi ko nasulit ang mga panahong nakakasama ko siya. Bakit ba lagi ko na lang pinababayaan si Mommy? Ni ultimong sakit niya, hindi ko man lang na-realize iyon. Ano nga ba ang ginagawa ko kapag nandiyan si Mommy? Ah . . . wala.

Lalambingin ko lang si Mommy kapag may kailangan ako. Hahanapin ko lang si Mommy kapag may kailangan ako. Maiisip ko lang si Mommy kapag may kailangan ako.

Mariin kong niyakap ang sulat ni Mommy. I hugged it like my whole life depends on it.

"Mommy, I don't believe you're truly gone. I can still feel you deep inside my heart. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that throughout my childhood, I took you for granted. I took your presence for granted. You were, and still are, the best mother a girl could have. Thank you Mommy, dahil nandiyan ka tuwing kailangan kita. More importantly, you taught me how to love. In the times that I didn't even love myself, you stood strong for me. You taught me that it is okay to make mistakes—that it's part of life. Miss na miss na kita, Mommy. Nangungulila ako nang sobra sa presence mo. Natatandaan ko noon, yung palagi mo sinasabi sa akin. "When you forget how beautiful you are, I'll be the one to remind you." And you always do, Mom. Kapag sinasaktan ako ni Daddy, nandiyan ka para sa akin. When I hated every aspect of my body, you reminded me of everything I had to be thankful for. But I'll never understand how I never noticed that you also fought the same demons. You are my closest companion. You are my stone. You are breathtaking, Mommy. You're truly amazing, Mommy. You tell me all the time how proud you are of me, but you don't realize that I am who I am because of you."

Inangat ko ang aking ulo para makita ang kalangitan. I saw a big bright star shining in the middle.

Si Mommy kaya iyon?

I unconsciously touched the last memorabilia Mommy left me. I touched my heart and key necklace.

"Mommy, sana binabantayan mo 'ko, a! 'Wag mo 'kong pababayaan. Gabayan mo 'ko para matupad ko ang pangako ko sa 'yo. Binigyan mo 'ko ng lakas, tinuruan mo 'ko kung paano magpatawad at magmahal nang walang hangganan. I pray one day you see your hard work pay off in me. I pray that one day I can instill the same values in my children that you have in me."

From now on, I would live one life for the two of us, Mommy. I will keep you day and night here until the day I die. I'll finish the promise I made to you, Mom. I will be the best of me, always keep you next to me. I won't give up hope. Magtitiwala ako na matatapos ko iyon. Dahil kahit mag-isa na lang akong lumalaban, alam kong hindi ako nag-iisa, alam kong gagabayan at lalaban ka rin with me, Mommy. Tatandaan ko na parang tattoo ang iyong paboritong mga verse at aral na iniwan sa akin. I know you'll be looking down and one day, I will make you proud.