Although exhaustion had pulled me into sleep, I did not get a great night of sleep. The floor was hard, and cold, and my headache would spontaneously wake me up during the night. My arms were also starting to throb, as were my thighs. I sarcastically made snarky comments to myself about how I wish I were in better shape. My body felt like it had gone through ten rounds with a professional wrestler. As the clock got closer to six am, I finally drug myself up off the floor, intent on making some coffee.My brain still feels like it is in shock. I am still trying to process everything from last night, and now I need to figure out my next steps. Where do I go from here? How did I even end up here? I am trying to be as quiet as possible. I am not ready to face Jax this morning, and truthfully, I do not want to deal with the kids either.Fate is a truly cruel witch though, because as I am leaning over the counter, waiting

I headed into the kitchen, I felt like I needed to keep busy. Jax did not stop me from walking out of the bedroom, and I could not process the emotions I was feeling. I wanted to believe that he did not remember everything. I wanted last night to be erased from my memory as well. I could not forget though, and a part of me hated that he could forget so easily.Since I had cleaned earlier, there was nothing else for me to do but to start preparing dinner. It was a little early, but I figure an early dinner is better than nothing. As I was taking vegetables out of the fridge Helen came into the kitchen.“What is for dinner?” I do not detect any change in Helen’s voice when she asked about dinner, so I felt slightly relieved that the kids had not heard me yelling at Jax.“Well since it is early, I thought about doing a nice roast with yummy vegetables.” I flash her

Jax and I went back to not talking to each other. Once again, he claimed not to remember what he had done, but this time I did not believe him. This attack was deliberate and planned out. It was not a moment in anger. Jax purposely waited for me to be asleep, then he went and drank the rest of the bottle of liquor. Once he was inebriated, he had to get my cell phone off my dresser, unlock it and then proceed to go through my phone relentlessly. Then he planned and executed a full-blown attack against me. So, when he tried the same lame excuse that he did not remember I told him that I did not believe him.He also tried telling me that he wanted to stop drinking. I was not going to fall for that lie again. It hurt to see him cry, but not as much as he had hurt me that night. I knew that this was not how love was supposed to be, I just was not sure how to get out.Not that it truly mattered in the grand scheme of thin

I reached a new level of depression that I did not know even existed. I struggled to get out of bed. I no longer cared when or if I showered. I threw out all my makeup, and hardly ever wore jewelry. I felt tired all the time, but my brain was constantly moving. I hardly ate, food just was not appetizing. I no longer drew, played little phone games, or read books. Nothing held my attention, I just wanted to sleep. When I was asleep, I did not have to live in the nightmare I was in. Sleep was my escape from my own hell.Jax did not care that I was withdrawn. He was back to drinking and it was steadily getting worse. As long as I kept my mouth shut, and the kids stayed quiet and out of his hair, he was usually content. Occasionally he would release the biting remark reminding me of how fat I was, ugly, or his personal favorite insult whore. It had been three weeks since he forced himself on me, but since then he has not physically touched me.

The second week of March Jax found a new way to make my blood run cold. I came home from school, and Jax was already home. As soon as I hit the front foyer, he was calling me into the bedroom. My blood froze in my veins, I knew that the children were still in school, so it was just Jax and I in the house. Quick flashes of the last time he attacked me when no one was home started flitting through my brain. I quickly pulled out my phone, I had a detective’s number on speed dial that one of the women gave me at group.Even having my phone in an easily accessible place did not stop my legs from feeling heavy as I walked through the hallway towards the bedroom. There was no way of telling what awaited me when I would get to the room. I had no idea if Jax was already drinking, if he were in a good or bad mood, or even if I had done something that would upset him.Reaching for the door handle I took a deep breath bef