Staying in Rai’s room proved to be more difficult than I had thought. Most nights, I couldn’t sleep at all, just sobbing quietly, thinking how usually Rai was there to hold me.   The time I could sleep, I always woke up frantically looking for Rai, thinking that his passing away was just a nightmare, and I’d go to Damian to wake him up to tell him about ‘the dream’. Damian had to tell me that it was all real, not a nightmare, and I would break down and cry, and he’d comfort me.   Other times I would wake up with so much anguish that I screamed out Rai’s name hysterically. Then Damian would come to my rescue again.   With me unable to sleep properly, Damian asked me to sleep with him instead in Rai’s room. I agreed with him, so I never spent the nights in Rai’s room anymore.   I thought sleeping with Damian would help, but it wasn’t the case. I still couldn’t sleep properly, and I couldn’t eat because

For the next few days, I helped Damian pack his belongings. He didn’t pack much since he had more things in the US. “I don’t have to pack anything, Baby girl. These things are the things I need when I’m visiting, so I can leave them here,” he told me. “Ohh..” was all I could say. I didn’t know what else to say. He then helped me pack my things. I didn’t realize I had so many belongings in his place - three suitcases were not even enough, that I had to borrow his bags. It seemed like I had moved all my possessions to his place. I guessed it wasn't a wonder with all the time I had spent at his place. “Damian, do you want to take Leah with you?” I asked him as we were packing my things. “I’d like to, but I think you need her more than me. You can take care of her, Baby girl,” He said as he looked at me. “Thank you, Damian,” I said softly. Even up to this point, he still thought about me, about my happiness. Having Leah with me would remind me of them, which would make me sad, but

“Beep Beep”..   “Beep Beep”..   “Urgghhh..” I reached for my phone on my bedside table. I looked at it and saw that it was only 6 am, which I knew since I set the alarm myself though I wished I didn't have to. I switched it off and stretched myself. I could hear Leah barking beside my bed, and I scooped her up.   “Morning, Leah,” I cooed as she licked my face and ran around the bed.   “Are you hungry yet?” I asked her as I picked her up and set her down on the floor after some time.   I went to fill her bowls with dog food and water and went to the bathroom to freshen myself up. After that, I sat down at my home office. I looked at my phone to check any appointments I had for that day and any work I needed to do. I only had two meetings and nothing else regarding my work.   I sat back in my seat, looking at the photo of Rai, Damian, Leah, and me together that

During the drive, Damian was silent.. and so did I. I was lucky that little Rai came along with us. He talked non-stop, telling us stories of the past two days he spent with my mom, how he met his cousin - my brother’s son - what game they played, and everything else. Damian and I listened carefully, giving answers here and there when Rai needed them. I had never seen little Rai look and sound so excited before. He seemed comfortable with Damian, even more comfortable than with Cole. It must be because I always told him stories about his daddy and Damian. Traffic was even more of a nightmare at this time of day. Damian decided that we should go to a restaurant to have dinner instead of a coffee shop so Rai could eat too. I agreed with him. When we reached the building where the restaurant was situated, it was already dinner time. I didn’t really notice where he brought us to until he parked the car and ushered us to the restaurant. Nearing the restaurant, I looked up to see it. I re

The next morning I woke up feeling dreadful. I didn’t know how to tell Rai’s parents about little Rai. I didn’t even know why I kept him a secret from Rai’s part of the family. How could I explain the reasons for hiding him when I myself didn’t know it?   It wasn’t like we didn’t keep in touch. I always called Rai’s mom every week and texted her often too. I told her about every aspect of my life - my businesses, how I was feeling, even when I was depressed, I would call her rather than my own mom. Rai’s mom was a great listener and advice giver. I even told her about Cole. Everything.. except little Rai.   How was I supposed to tell her that she has a grandson all this time, and I've been keeping him a secret? Guilt and shame washed over me. I had taken away nearly five years of little Rai’s life from them. I just hoped they would still love little Rai even if they ended up hating me.   I got off my bed and did my morni